per request
–note, bishounen and all of its derivatives (e.g. bish-y, bishiness) means ‘general all-around pretty-boy’–
(by the way i bow down to all of you!!! you’re amazing!)
PART I. The Dark Forces and the Fellowship
the history of all of middle earth is the history of power struggle.
dwarf and elf, gondor and rohan, dark overlords and wizards, samwise gamgee and the gaffer, have stood in constant opposition to each other, carried on in both in secret and in open war for ages, over who exactly is the most bishounen of all.
in all of history, there has been an order of society: the elves dominate, making even pointy ears look hot. the men, while cute, spend too much time in the mud. plus they all fancy themselves prettier than the rest of their companions. the wizards, while not very bish-y, do lead around all the bishes and are cool by association. then the dwarves, well, we can just skip right on past them, can’t we?
so this little heirarchy of bishitude, while causing enviousness from basically everyone but the elves, and probably the wizards (although you never can tell with those maiads), was simply accepted as the way of middle earth.
then a gent called sauron came along and got together some evil friends, all of whom were incredibly ugly. and they wanted desparately to be bishounen, but just couldn’t see how ugly they really were. poor chaps. so they came around and stirred up some animosity by handing out rings to some elves, men, and dwarfs, saying that ‘the more your race got, the bishier you were’ which, of course, stirred up even more animosity, since they gave the elves 3, dwarfs 7, and men 9. so they all were used as pawns into the dark lord’s evil chess game of bishiness. all they had to do was beat each other up enough to make them all hideous beyond recognition, and the orcs could finally feel pretty.
but one man named isildur had his eye on a golden ring that the dark lord was keeping for himself. he cut it off his hand with a broken sword and took it for his own. and he pranced around gondor wearing his ring, but realised soon that it made him so pretty he was invisble to all other eyes. just completely beyond the bishy limits of the eyes of men.
so no one was surprised when he died and the ring disappeared. some ugly hobbit with a horrible grasp of grammar took the golden ring and turned into a frog-man. not very bishy. not at all.
meanwhile the rest of the races middle earth were just bishing about, hating each other. silly silly creatures.
the frog-man lost his golden ring to a hairy guy named bilbo who was not bishy at all, even without the feet. but he took it home and hung out with all the other hobbits for a long time. the ring, it seemed, did have a l’oreal effect after all, it was observed, when bilbo was the youngest looking hobbit at the hobbiton nursing home. but alas, he started to go froggy and gave it to his nephew, who was very very much a bishounen reincarnated into a hairy-footed hobbit for bad behaviour in a past life.
so he and some pals, who were not very fond of the ring and the company that came along with it when the dark lord (rising again to power) found out from frog-man that he had the golden ring and sent out some super-ugly wraiths to deal with him. so frodo and his non-bishy-but-heartwarmingly-loyal pals set off for the elves’ bachelor pad in rivendell to give them a birthday present. after all, they were bishy, now weren’t they? they’d know what to do with such an artifact.
well after much trouble they made it to rivendell and tried to pass it on to someone else. however, it seemed that there was a meeting of the middle-earth chapter of the u.n. going on at the same time.
so they brought the ring to them, but of course they just talked and talked and talked about it but didn’t actually do anything. something about vetos.
so the bishy-hobbit, now fully equipped with a stab wound and psychic ring-connection, snatched back the ring. jealous of the bishy air this hobbit could produce in spite of his giant feet, two men, a wizard, a dwarf, and an elf all said they’d help him destroy it for the sake of middle earth. so all the other hobbits got jealous and signed up.
and that’s how the fellowship was formed.
the esential condition for the existence, and for the sway of the fellowship, is the destruction of the golden ring; the condition for that destruction is hard labour and compromises of bishitude. the creation of the new dark forces, whose promoter is saruman, replaces the need for fellowshippers to feel pretty, due to the overall abundance of nasty orcs, and their association with the elf legolas, the bishiest of all bishounen. what saruman and sauron, therefore, are producing in these orcs and other evil alliances, is its own downfall (once someone finally decides to get them a mirror and they realize how hopeless their case is). plus, this is only the first half of three long-ass books. their fall and the victory of the fellowship are equally inevitable.
