If LotR Had Been Written By Someone Else!?

Cafe Society
,
642

Hehe…I’ll try, uberunderdog.

(A peaceful forest. Enter Gollum dressed in hunting gear and carrying a sling.)

Gollum (looking at the audience): Be very quiet. I’m hunting Bagginssssessss…

(Gollum notices big footprints and follows them. Looking at the ground, he doesn’t notice Bugs Baggins until he runs into him.)

Bugs: Eh…what’s up, Smeag?

**Gollum{/b]: Shhh…I’m hunting Bagginsssesss!

Bugs: Bagginsssesss? You don’t want one of those! They’re tough and stringy. What you want is a Gamgee.

Gollum: Gamgee?

Bugs: Absolutely! Why, here comes one now.

(Enter Daffwise Gamgee.)

Daffwise: What about me? And why’th Froggyboy here drethed up like an L.L. Bean model?

Bugs; I was just telling my buddy Gollum here that it’s Gamgee season.

Daffwise: It ith not! It’th Bagginth theathon!

Bugs: Gamgee season!

Daffwise: Bagginth theathon!

Bugs: Gamgee season!

Daffwise: Bagginth theathon!

Bugs: Baggins season!

Daffwise: Gamgee theathon!

Bugs: If you insist…

Gollum: BLAM!

643

Happy birthday to you,
happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday, dear
JohnRonaldReuel Tolkien… whew
Happy birthday to you!

o/Eleventy-one next yeeeeeear...o/

644

I can never wrap my head around smalltalk; you’ll have to settle for C++ for now. (By the way, this is probably the geekiest thing I’ve ever written on the internet, and that’s saying a lot.)



class Ring
{
friend class Sauron;

public:
   bool Wear(Person& theRingBearer) {
       theRingBearer.TurnInvisible();
       return mWraithList.Alert(theRingBearer);
   }

   bool Rule(PersonList& themAll);
   bool Find(PersonList& themAll);
   bool Bring(PersonList& themAll));
   bool Bind(PersonList& them, Darkness& theDarkness);

   const string Heat() const { return mInscription; }

private:
   Ring() {};

   ~Ring() {
      delete gSauron;
      gThirdAge.End();
      gFourthAge.Begin();
   }

   list<RingWraith> mWraithList;
   string mInscription;
};

typedef Ring Precious;
645

Shakespeare:

From out the darkness then his mind did stir,
and thought him then he heard a distant voice.
Dernhelm, it seemed, but also strange, and fair.
Recalling back from long ago a voice
He’d heard in times before the war began.

“Begone, foul demon, lord of carrion!
Return to darkness, leave the dead in Peace!”

But voice both cold and hard did answer thus:

“Come not between the Nazgul and his Prey!
Or he shall not slay thee when comes thy turn.
But bear thee back to tortures far away.
To Houses Lamentation, past darkness,
where all thy flesh shall be devour-ed,
and then will your ruined, hollow and cold
mind be left naked to the lidless eye.”

A sword rang out as it was drawn from sheath.

“Do what you will as best you may but I
Will do my best to hinder your fell deeds.”

“Thou Fool, no living man may hinder me.”

Then Merry heard of all the sounds the one
That in that darkest hour did seem most strange.
It seemed that Dernhelm laughed out sharp and clear.
With clearest voice as light and strong as steel.

“It is no living man who does stand here.
I am a woman, a shieldmaid of old.
Eowyn, I am, Eomund’s daughter.
You stand between me and my lord and kin.
Begone if you be not deathless, black knight,
For live or dark undead I smite you will,
If touch you hair or thread upon my King.”

Scary how many of Tolkien’s lines fit iambic pentameter without changing. Just a nudge here and there. What do you think?

646

*odd this is… caffienated mind at 1 a.m. is a strange mix… :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye: *

  1. J.R.R. HORTON, The Singing Gondorian, audio tape side A

    -The Battle of Helm’s Deep
    -Young Aragorn (Make a Tall Tall Man)
    -Bill (The Brave Pony)
    -Whispering Ents
    -Sink the OneRing

  2. Scene from BRAVEHOBBIT: at the Council of Elrond

LEGOLAS: Him! That can’t be Frodo Baggins! I am prettier than this hobbit! Alright, Mother, I’ll ask him! If I risk my ears for you, would I get a chance to kill Orcishmen?

GIMLI: Is your mother a ghost, or do you converse with the Almighty?

LEGOLAS: In order to find his equal, and Elvishman is forced to talk to Elbereth! Yes, Mother! The Almighty says, don’t change the subject, just answer the fookin’ question!

GIMLI: Mind your tongue!

GANDALF: Insane Elvish.

LEGOLAS: Smart enough to get a bow and arrow past your guards, Old Man.

FRODO: That’s my friend Elvishman. And the answer to your question is yes. You fight for me you get to kill the Orcish.

LEGOLAS: Excellent! Legolas is my name. I’m the most wanted elf in my forest. Except, we’re not in my forest, of course. More’s the pity.

GIMLI: Your forest? You mean Mirkwood?

LEGOLAS: Yeah, it’s mine!

GIMLI: You’re a madelf.

LEGOLAS: I’ve come to the right council then.

647

Creedence Clearwater Revival, anyone?

Who’ll Bear the Ring? (Who’ll Stop the Rain?)

Long as I remember, the ring’s been hangin’ round
Clouds of mystery falling, confusion on the ground
Sauron through the ages tried to find the One
And I wonder, still I wonder,
Who’ll bear the ring?

I went down to Rivendell, seeking shelter from the storm
Caught up in the council, I watched the towers grow
Sauron plans a new deal, wrapped in iron chains,
And I wonder, still I wonder,
Who’ll bear the ring?

Heard the black speech spoken, Elrond cried, “No more!”
The council raged together, no one held the floor,
Still the ring kept calling, on and on in my ears,
And I wonder, still I wonder,
Who’ll bear the ring?
Mount Doom Rising (Bad Moon Rising)

I see Mount Doom rising
I see Nazgul on the way
I see earthquakes and lightning
I see bad times today
Don’t go out tonight, it’s bound to take your life
There’s Mount Doom on the rise.

I hear the horns of armies blowing
I know the end is coming soon
I fear the Black Gates overflowing
I hear the voice of raze and ruin
Don’t go out tonight, it’s bound to take your life
There’s Mount Doom on the rise.

Hope you’ve got your ring together
Hope you are quite prepared to die
Looks like we’re in for nasty weather
One Eye is taken for an eye
Well, don’t go out tonight, it’s bound to take your life
There’s Mount Doom on the rise.

648

Loved the Braeheart knock-off… the Irish guy was my favorite character in that movie, and imagining legolas as him is just too funny. Especially beacues Mirkwood IS really his forrest.

649

Marvin, engaged in a titanic struggle with Bugs the White (formerly known as Bugs the Grey) at the gates of Minas Tirith, waits as the last inch of fuse on his Acme Destruct-O-Gate burns.

Unbeknownst to Marvin, however, Bugs the White has already slipped the REAL Destruct-O-Gate through a chink in the rear of Marvin’s force field, when Marvin had his back turned, and put a plain old Fourth of July-variety firecracker in its place against the gate.

The fuse before the gate burns out. There is a mere “pop” as the firecracker explodes.

Marvin: “Where’s the kaboom?! There was supposed to be a gate-shattering kaboom!!”

[Marvin himself is immediately engulfed in a large explosion which reduces him to a small pile of smoking ash. But the ash soon re-assembles itself into a somewhat charred Marvin.

Marvin: “You have made me SO angry!!”

650

The Lord of the Rings in the style of Red Dwarf

The Place:
The middle decks of the mining ship Dead Dwarves.

The Crew:
Frodo “Lister” Baggins
Sam “Rimmer” Gamgee (aka “Simmer”)
Legolas the Cat
Hollydalf the RGB Wizard

IN THE SHIP AT A DOORWAY LABELED “Moria Nivelo 1”

Legolas the Cat: [Poking Frodo.] Remind me why we’re going in there.

Simmer: [Backing up while eyeing the vanishing scutter Bill as it heads back into well-lit decks.] Yes, remind us why you are going in there.

Lister Baggins: Because we’ve got to throw the ring into Mount Doom – or something hotter.

Hollydalf: It doesn’t make it any easier that the original Mount Doom expired about 3,000,000 years ago – give or take an age. But we’ve got the Dead Dwarves’ nuclear engines. Someone’s going to have to make the supreme sacrifice.

Legolas the Cat: [Insincerely.] That’s too bad! [Grudgingly responding to Lister’s stunned expression.] Couldn’t we just hide the ring in the decorations on my gold sequin suit? Or make an earring out of it?

Lister Baggins: [Drooping to one side in fatigue.] Won’t work. It’s becoming . . . too . . . heavy.

Legolas the Cat: [Cheerfully.] I don’t mind suffering for fashion.

Simmer: At least it would be you instead of us, for a change. No, I’m afraid somebody’s got to take the plunge. [Steps smartly in the doorway, then smartly out.]

Lister Baggins: What’s wrong?

Simmer: [An octave too high.] Wrong? Nothing! What could be wrong? [Prods Legolas toward the doorway.] How about a little suffering practice?

Legolas the Cat: [Sniffing.] Uggh! It smells like dwarves in there!

Lister Baggins: Dead dwarves.

Legolas the Cat: [Puzzled.] They don’t always smell that way?

Simmer: [To Hollydalf.] You know, I can’t help noticing that the individuals inside were either in the middle of an extreme knitting event, or alternatively, that they’ve been struck down by scores of unhygienic goblin arrows.

Hollydalf: [Nodding with assurance.] Yeah, they were great ones for knitting bees, those dwarves.

Legolas the Cat: [Peering in.] Look at those suits! Poor guys! They must have been desperate to get out of them! Struck down while undressing. What a terrible way to go!

Simmer: [Sounds of loud smashing behind.] Uh, Holly? Did you put in a order for lunch?

Hollydalf: Would I forget something like that?

Simmer: And by any chance did you happen to use the dispenser outside our room? Because you ought to know Lister was trying to clone vindaloo sauce with a sheep.

Hollydalf: Cor. Not with a live sheep?

Lister Baggins: At the beginning.

Hollydalf: Well then, the good news is that our lunch is self-delivering.

Lister Baggins: And the bad news?

Hollydalf: O, ye of little faith.

Simmer: Skip the sermon, Hol. How bad is it?

Hollydalf: Do you want the full 90 second explanation, or the economical 5 second version? [Loud sounds getting very loud.] Maybe the 5 second one would be best. . . .

Simmer: Does it start with “RUN!”?

Hollydalf: [looking miffed] How did you know? You been looking in my files, again? [They hurry in, swinging shut a heavy armored door, and locking it firmly.]

Legolas the Cat: Man! Is it dark in here!

Hollydalf the RGB: No problem, dudes. I’ll just turn up my IQ, and then you’ll bask in my reflected brilliance. [There’s no visible change whatsoever.]

Legolas the Cat: Man! Is it dark in here! [Sounds of consternation.] I can’t see a thing! I wonder how I’m lookin’? [Peers into the palantir in Hollydalf’s pocket.] Hey! I’m lookin’ good! Hair is good. Clothes are good! My eye is enflamed, though. . . .

Hollydalf: [Snatching it away.] You barmy git! That’s a highly sophisticated . . . device.

Lister Baggins: What’s it for, Hol?

Hollydalf: [Pauses, purses lips, looks to the side evasively] Well, it’s for highly sophisticated communication, isn’t it?

Simmer: [Scoffing.] Counts you out, then.

Legolas the Cat: [Uneasily.] Why can’t they dig mines in the sunlight where you could see where you’re going? Where are we going, anyhow?

Hollydalf: I know the way. I’ve been before.

Simmer: Are you referring to the time you were lost between decks 32 and 45 for six millenia?

Hollydalf: I was doing was a little exploring. Looking for my evil counterpart, an entity whose existence goes right back to the foundations of the Dead Dwarves. It lives hereabouts. . . .

Simmer: [Incredulous.] Lives here? Someone lives in this dismal stench? [High-handedly dismissive.] What a flaming lunatic he must be!

Hollydalf: Funny you should put it that way, really. . . .

651

Best Shakespeare ever. I liked the other Shakespeare ones, but they were all adapting a particular soliloquy or text to Tolkein characters – this one, done the other way around, is cooler still. Also a great choice of a scene to do. Kudos!

652

“Supreme”, “Ring when you’re winning” by J.R.Robbie Williams.

Oh, it seemed forever stopped today
All the lonely elves in Ri’endell
Caught a ship and sailed away
And, oh, pretty Arwen’s carried
By her love; but he is gay
You feel deprived

Yeah are you questioning your size?
Is there a tumour in your Ring,
We can’t see you with our eyes.
Do you leave Sméagol where your sit,
Are you getting there a bit?
Will your survive
You must survive
O what are your really looking for?
This gorgeous Ring in your live to abuse and to adore?
Will it let your do your stuff,
Will it make your path so rough?
Get on your knees

Yeah turn down the love songs that it sings
‘Cause you can’t avoid the mind-boggling
That’s the danger with these Rings
Throw it away – will stop the pain
Into the fire – kill the fear
Do you believe
You must believe

When the Ring’s in Mount Doom
This forsaken Era will start to bloom
All the places you have been
Trying to destroy that Ring supreme
That Ring supreme
I spy with my fiery eye
Something beginning “R”
Got my Nazgul up
And now Sméagol’s screaming so I’ve got to turn the track up
Sit back and watch the Fellowship stack up
I know this wizard, he likes to switch teams
And I’m a fiend but I’m living for a Ring supreme

When the Ring’s in Mount Doom
This forsaken Era will start to bloom
All the places you have been
Trying to destroy that Ring supreme
That Ring supreme

Come and bring the Ring supreme
Don’t let them get you down
Everybody lives for the Ring….

Repeat….
This was surprisingly easy to do… I had to change almost nothing…

653

um… can’t I edit? I left out the first Chorus and wanted to add it but I can’t…

654

The Lord of the Rings,
or, Pride and Proudfeet,
by Miss Jane Austen

 It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a simple hobbit in possession of a magic ring must be in want of a reason to destroy it.  However little known the feelings or views of such a hobbit may be on a wizard first entering the neighborhood, the truth is so well fixed in the mind of such a wizard, that some such reason, however unlikely it might seem, must be devised posthaste.

Fortunately for the wizards of this world, and, indeed, of the next world as well, wizards are subtle and quick to invent excuses. The hobbit in question was a personage of mean understanding, little information, and uncertain digestion, and it took but a few suitably mysterious hand-gestures from the wizard to convince the over-scrupulous hobbit that it was his duty to embark upon an uncomfortable and unprofitable quest with the object of finally destroying this ring without receiving any recompense for such an untoward act.

655

FriarTed!

Yes, that is quite definitely Samwills Gamsenberg, the mystically inclined, tweed-wearing she-hobbit who finally and, quite romantically, ends up in love (and other places) with Tarosie. However in MY version, all of the Fellowship, including Samwills, bring home lovely Mithrill shirts that Samwills ends up giving to Tarosie.

Turns out to be a good thing, because later on Grima Warrentongue takes a repeater crossbow and goes to take vengence on Buffagorn. In my version, the arrows bounce off their Mithrill shirts and everyone lives Happily Ever After.

656

I’m posting this for a friend… :smiley:

ee cummings

el(the

ri
ng

fa
ll
s)

rond
l
eaves

657

someone want to try Dr Phil (with all the Dr Philisms?)

658

this came to me while I was napping… ack

Scene: a purple foam fellow standing in a fake castle, wearing fangs and a cape. Looks down. Sees something shiny on the ground.

Count: One! One ring! Ah! Ah! Ah! … Vell, zat is not much to count…

Slips ring on finger. Dissappears. Takes ring off finger, reappears. Sounds of hoofbeats. Zoom out. As Count counts, riders come on screen, form semi-circle around Count, making a nice stage picture.

Count: One! One Nazgul! Ah! Ah! Ah!
Two! Two Nazgul! Ah! Ah! Ah!
Three! Three Nazgul! Ah! Ah! Ah!
Four! Four Nazgul! Ah! Ah! Ah!
Five! Five Nazgul! Ah! Ah! Ah!
Six! Six Nazgul! Ah! Ah! Ah!
Seven! Seven Nazgul! Ah! Ah! Ah!
Eight! Eight Nazgul! Ah! Ah! Ah!
Nine! Nine Nagul! Ah! Ah! Ah! Nine Nazgul

Nazgul draw swords. Point at count. Fade out to the sound of battle.

This parody has been brought to you by the number 9 and the letter S.

(ack! my childhood! what have we done to my childhood?!)

659

As we crest the rocks overlooking the Dead Marshes I am struck with a sense of familiarity. He has been here before. he took this road many times - before the torture racks of Mordor and 800 mills of amperage at 0.5 to 1.5 seconds twenty times over liquidated his identity. He and I will never meet. But I still have his notes, Smeagol left copious notes.
My foot starts making a squeeking sound and I notice that the webbing has come slightly loose between the second and third toes on the left. Better get that tightend up before we get to the lower altitudes, or it will be flapping like a flagpole rag before we get to the black gate.

Zen and the Art of Ring Maintenance by Robert Pirsig

660

Awesome Count episode!!! :slight_smile: This is an awesome thread! Keep up the genius everybody!

661

“There was me, that is Gollum, and my two droogs, Precious and Precioussss…” – Anthony Burgess, A Clockwork Ring