You are in a chamber inside a volcano. It is dark. To your north is a gaping chasm, filled with lava. In the chamber is also: a Hobbit, wearing a ring.
The hobbit won’t let go of the ring.
The hobbit won’t let go of the ring.
You bite the hobbit’s finger. His finger comes off.
You have: A ring. A finger.
It is dark. If you proceed you will likely fall into a pit.,
In Search of Schrodinger’s Hobbit - Gribben
In the world of quantum literature, the laws of physics that are familiar from the everyday world no longer work. Instead, events are governed by probabilities. A ring of power, for example, might bind its keeper to darkness, say; or it might not. It is possible to set up an experiment in such a way that there is a precise fifty-fifty chance that the ring of power will become powerful enough in a certain time and that its keeper will register this power and be bound to darkness if it does happen. Schrodinger, as upset as Tolkien about the implications of quantum literature theory, tried to show the absurdity of those implications by imagining such an experiment set up in a closed book, or story, which also contains a live hobbit and a ring of power, so arranged that if the ring of power does become powerful enough then the darkness will be unleashed and the hobbit succumb to its power. In the everyday world, there is a fifty-fifty chance that the hobbit will be bound to darkness, and without looking inside the book we can say, quite happily, that the hobbit inside is either free-willed or bound to darkness. But now we encounter the strangeness of the quantum literature world. According to the theory, neither of the two possibilities open to the ring of power, and therefore to the hobbit, has any reality unless it is written and read. The ring becoming more powerful than its keeper’s will has neither happened nor not happened, the hobbit has neither been bound to darkness or not bound to darkness, until we look inside the book to see what has happened. Theorists who accept the pure version of quantum mechanics say that the hobbit exists in some indeterminate state, neither bound to darkness nor free-willed, until an observer looks into the book to see how things are getting on. Nothing is real unless it is observed.
As I watched the other faces seated around me at the Prancing Pony, I felt so alone, so different from everyone else. Not one of them knew the truth.
They didn’t know how I had been kidnapped at birth, how my high school boyfriend turned out to be my brother, and how I had been saddled with this horrible responsibility, this ring that nobody wanted to speak of, and this awful grandfather who wanted me dead. I had spent two years locked in that hobbit-hole, and I never wanted to return.
“Frodo, what’s wrong? You seem upset.”
“It’s nothing, Merry”, I said. “I think I just need to lay down.”
I took off and ran up the stairs, barely making it before I burst into tears, my vision blurring as I threw myself on the bed, crying uncontrollably as all my pain became too much for me to bear.
I felt someone sit down next to me on the bed; my loud sobs must have covered the sound of him entering. I tried to control my tears as he started softly stroking my hair.
“Shhh, my sweet Frodo.” said Sam. “Don’t cry, my darling…someone as…fresh…and lovely as you should have no worries.”
I regained control of myself as his soothing touch calmed my fears. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad…Maybe this would be the beginning of a wonderful new life for me. Maybe…
I gasped suddenly as I felt Sam’s hands slowly traveling south. My body stiffened as I tried to shrug him off.
“Sam, what are you doing? Please, stop that!”, I said fearfully.
He pushed me gently but firmly onto my back. I was fairly strong, but his bulk was too much for me, and despite my resistance he climbed on top of me. He buried his face in my neck and I could smell the mead on his breath.
“Shhhh, Frodo. This is the way it’s supposed to be, I know it. Just let me show you.”, he muttered drunkenly.
“SAM, NO! You’re my BROTHER! It’s not right!”
“Your mouth says no, but your body says yes…”, he mumbled as his hand travelled between my legs to find the proof of my arousal.
“No, please! It’s sick!” I shouted.
“Then let us be sick!”
The next morning I awoke to find myself alone in the bed. As I got dressed for the quest ahead, I wondered how I would ever face the others. Could I ever care for Sam again? The ring seemed to burn against my chest, reminding me of the burning I had felt last night…
Ok now I just feel dirty. Those books were such SMUT, and every girl in my 7th grade class had read them.
FatboyTim… having watched several of those ‘Mail Call’ shows on the History Channel yesterday, that post was timely for me. I nearly spit out my coffee. (I appreciate classic literature and old movies like any other intellectual, but ‘Full Metal Jacket’ done LOTR-style was damned amusing.)
I’ve been reading this thread for ages now – and you ALL just ROCK. I really should gather some nerve and post something myself. (I’ve been brainstorming ideas here but haven’t finished anything I’ve liked enough yet.) And to think I once said I wouldn’t get involved in online communities anymore… this place proves that ‘wasting time’ can be very productive! 
The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Ring-Bearers
by Bilbo Covey Baggins
To be a truly effective ringbearer, you must first apply the first habit, Be Proactive. After all, the ring won’t throw itself into Mount Doom, as was illustrated when my nephew Frodo had a ring of power, and he…
Long, trite anecdote of dubious veracity about the author’s family deleted
…so it is apparent you have to challenge your paradigms about rings of power in order to achieve interdependent synergy with your Fellowship. Remember to sharpen the Sting at all times to achieve balance between production and productive capacity, while challenging your paradigms. Also ensure that all relevant stakeholders, such as the Lorien elves, have input into your game plan and milestones. And did I mention that you should work past your paradigms?
IF you’d like to know more about the Seven Habits of Highly Effective Ringbearers, here’s a list of overpriced books and products:
Book: Putting Rings of Power First - 40 GP
Principle-Centered Fellowship - 65 GP
“Seven Habits” Cloak Clasps - 10 GP
“Seven Habits” Horns - 15 GP
Seminars on Seven Habits by Gandalf the Grey - 60GP/hr
“Seven Habits” Pipes /w Seven Habits Pipe-Weed - 5pp/ea.
Light of the Seven Habits - 100 GP
Seven Habits Palantir - 200 GP
(etc, etc)
“RingWar: Carrying the Ring” by Harry Turtledove:
“We make progress,” remarked Sauron, the Dark Lord of Mordor. He hadn’t had many opportunities to use that phrase since the invasion had begun, and he was getting exasperated with the slow progress of the forces at his disposal. “And yet, we face stern opposition at every front.”
“Truth, Exalted Mordorlord” replied the Witch King of Angmar, Sauron’s closest assistent, indicating his agreement with a nod of his cloak. “Then again, no-one could have excepted to know what we would face when we first started our offensive.”
With a sigh, Sauron moved over to face the Palantir and called over a familiar image. The magically projected hobbit, wielding but a slingshot and clad in no kind of an armor, appeared; a familiar image. It was as if the hobbit was mocking him and his slow progress, again and again. “This was what we excepted to face!” Sauron exclaimed with a hiss of resignation.
“Indeed it was,” asserted Witch King. “However, I find it most fascinating, if not little repulsive, that this creature has hairy feet.” Witch King had a soft, inward chuckle at the thought of a hairy-footed creature.
…
Cue in 20 different storylines 5 of which are interchangeable, numerous references to hobbits having hairy feet (lest we forget that important fact) and at least 7 creepily underdescribed sex scenes…
Awesome stuff people… Here’s 2 I’d like to request: The X-Files (“The Ring Is Out There?!”) and Musashi’s Book of Five Rings…
“Isengard Uber Alles”, by Dead Isildurs
I am Saruman the White
You will admire my power and might
Soon I will be the Dark Lord…
Sauron’s power will soon go away
I will take his place one day
I will command all of you
Your kids will learn Orcish in school
Your kids will learn Orcish in school -
Isengard Uber alles
Isengard Uber alles
Uber alles Isengard
Uber alles Isengard
Uruk-Hai will control you
Creatures unnatural
You will be bred with the Orcish race
And always wear the happy face
Close your eyes, can’t happen here
Wizard in white cloak is near
Morgoth won’t come back you say
Join my side or you will pay
Join my side or you will pay -
Isengard Uber alles
Isengard Uber alles
Uber alles Isengard
Uber alles Isengard
Now it’s 3084
Knock knock at your hobbit hole
It’s the feather-cap secret Shirriff
You better not be scared stiff
Come quietly to the keep
It will all be like eternal sleep
A final look at this here tower
Now let me demonstrate my power
Die on a lopsided magical duel
My hordes will like you in their gruel
You will croak, you half of a man
When you mess with Sar-u-man
Isengard uber alles
Isengard uber alles
Uber alles Isengard
Uber alles Isengard
After seeing the Dead Kennedys version (nice!), I figured I’d throw some requests out (mainly since I am having problems writing these requests on my own!): So… I request to anyone with the talent I apparently lack today:
U2
Bram Stoker
The Osbournes
Rocky Horror Picture Show
Indiana Jones
Phantom of the Opera (or Chorus Line – double-dog-dare! Yes, I’m a theatre geek.)
I’m working on the some other ones on my own (if I ever finish them). Danke!
I came here from TheOneRing.net’s link. I am in awe–AWE–of the depth of creativity and humor of the posters to this thread. Following is my lame, humble attempt at a contribution.
With deep and heartfelt apologies to Tolkien and The Beatles:
Norwegian Rings
I once had The Ring,
Or should I say,
It once had me.
She showed me our doom,
In Galadriel’s glass,
What might come to pass.
“The Fellowship’s breaking, in fact it’s already begun.”
“He’ll try for the Ring, so alone you must bear it, The One.”
I sat on the Seat,
Amon Hen reeled,
Would the Fellowship yield?
I felt so alone—
(And Boromir dead)
With Samwise I fled.
Then Gollum (nee Smeagol) on Preciousss to guide us did swear,
Then left us for dead in the darkness of cruel Shelob’s lair.
Orodruin loomed,
Gollum’s last lunge,
Into Mount Doom he’d plunge.
And when we awoke,
We weren’t alone.
Gwaihir had flown.
[Editorial stanza]:
Oscar he deserves,
Isn’t he good,
Elijah Wood.
I could never resist a Double Dog Dare. 
Again deepest apologies to everyone involved in any capacity with the creation of Lord of the Rings and A Chorus Line. I am not worthy.
So, without further ado, here is…
A Chorus Ring
“ONE”
Sung by Frodo, Sam and Company.
(Imagine two kick lines: Aragorn, Gandalf, Legolas & Boromir in the back, and Merry, Pippin & Gimli in front, with Frodo & Sam downstage center. Instead of canes and top hats, they’re dancing with swords and helms.)
(All—indicating Frodo.)
ONE
Ringular sensation,
Ev’ry little step he takes.
ONE
Thrilling combination:
The Fellowship ‘til it breaks.
One quest Galadriel says no one else can do,
(Frodo to Sam)
I know we’ll make it to Mordor with You Know Who!
(Fellowship & Sam to Frodo)
ONE
Moment in its presence, and you can expect the worst.
For the Ring is evil—curs’d! So run, son.
(Frodo)
Ooh! Cry!
Nazgul’s flying higher!
Can I
Throw it in the fire?
(All)
It’s the…
ONE!
Respectfully submitted,
KathleenTheCritic
P.S. If anyone with influence ever reads this–I want to write & direct the musical adaptation of LOTR. Have your people call my people. 
from THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING RINGBEARER, by Oscar Wilde
LADY GANDALF: Well, I really must say, Frodo, that I think it is high time this Mr. Aragorn made up his mind whether to be King or not. This shilly-shallying with the question is absurd. Nor do I in any way approve of this modern obsession with rings. I consider it - morbid. Smoking pipe-weed is the primary duty of life. I am always telling that to your poor companion Smeagol, but he never seems to take much notice, at least as far as any improvement in his taste in jewelry is concerned. I should be much obliged, Frodo, if you would ask Mr. Aragorn from me to kindly reforge the shards of Narsil by Saturday, for I rely on you to destroy the one ring for me. It is my last epic quest, and one wants a Fellowship that will encourage success - particularly at the end of the Age, when everyone has already fought over practically everything worth fighting over, which in most cases was probably not much…
[I know Wilde was done already, but that’s one of my favorite plays ever, so I couldn’t resist.]
Frodo parsed the data given to him via gestalt by Gandalf.
Ve asked uncertainly in linear, ‘The Ring makes me invisible?’
Gandalf replied, ‘Not quite. It shifts you into one of the rolled-up spatial dimensions. Unfortunately, Ring Theory guarantees that Sauron will have a duplicate of verself monitoring that dimension at all times. You have to be sparing in your use of it.’
Sam emitted a linear exclamation, ‘Eep!’
Gandalf caught vim immediately.
Ve skolded, ‘How dare you violate our privacy and the laws of this polis?’
‘But… but… you said the Name of the Enemy.’
Gandalf relented as Frodo looked through vis memory banks.
‘Saying the Name of the Enemy? There’s nothing wrong with saying the name of anything! I cannot believe that such an ancient superstition is still in vogue.’
‘Now, Frodo, saying the Name of the Enemy won’t attract vis attention, but putting on the Ring surely will. Sam, remind vim of this on your joint journey to Mordor.’
‘Mordor? But that’s a teratau away on foot!’
I have only read Greg Egan's Diaspora twice, so my fanboy imitation is very poor.:)KathleenTheCritic… WOO! That was good, thanks muchly! Very, very nice. Encore! If you’re near the west coast, we should get together and do the next ‘Forbidden Broadway’… (oh, I know there’s a lot of other playwrights out there - hrmmm)
I was hoping someone couldn’t resist the double-dog dare.
back to plotting something cute to post, um… eventually
GANDALF saunters in, leaning on his walking-stick. He stares, mouth slightly agape, at FRODO, who is sitting on the couch with the ring in his palm.
GANDALF: Wot th’bloody BEEP Frodo! 'owmanny times I got to tell ye to gnnanrm nbwmpnh ring hrmpnb Doom!
FRODO: Aw for BEEP’s sake, Gandalf, I bloody well told yeh that I’d get over withit after my foot appointment! BEEPing BEEP.
GANDALF: AWROIGHT, 'ats BEEPing enough of that, Oi’ve 'ad enough of this blramgbm bfmlanp BEEP. Oi t…t…told you once before, Oi says “Frodo, you got t…t…to take the Ring and blmabmn hmaphbmnat BEEP BEEP Doom!”
SAM runs in, carrying a SMALL, UNATTRACTIVE DOG.
SAM: THE ROTTEN…! IT PISSED ON MY - Say, Frodo, oughtn’t you be takin’ that thing to Mount Doom already?
FRODO: BEEP BEEP BEEEEP. That’s th’last time I want to hear about the BEEPing Ring and BEEP BEEP BEEEPin’ Mount Doom, you hear me Sam? Can’t get a moment’s peace around here without one of yeh tossers at my neck fer this, I’m bloody sick of it, won’t BEEPing take it.
SAM: Now wait just a BEEPing –
FRODO: ALL I BLOODY WANT is a BEEPing moment’s relaxation, is all! BEEP BEEP BEEP. D’you ‘ave any BEEPing clue how much BEEPin’ stress I’m under lately? DO YOU
GANDALF: Hrgblfgh brhmph echanenbl.
SAM: BEEP BEEP.
FRODO: BEEP.
GANDALF: BEEP.
SMALL, UNATTRACTIVE DOG: woof!
Re: Osbournes
** APPLAUDS **
How about RENT?
“One Ring Glory,” from the hit Broadway musical, RING
[FRODO]
One ring
Glory
One ring
To rule them all
Glory
One ring to be destroyed
Find one ring
One last quest
Glory
From the ringbearer hobbit
Who took on his noble quest
One ring
He had much hair on his feet
Glory
In the sight of the all-seeing eye
All-seeing eye
Find glory
Beyond the gates of Mordor
One ring
Before the war ends
Glory – from Gollom’s empty life
Time flies – Orcs die
Glory – One blaze of glory
One blaze of glory – glory
Find
Glory
In a ring to be destroyed
Mt. Doom like a blazing fire
An eternal flame
Destroy
One ring
A ring about power
Glory
With the help of my friend Sam
My friend Sam
Destroy
The one ring
Before the battle in won
Glory
Like a sunset
One ring
To redeem Middle-Earth
Time flies
And then - no need to bear anymore
Orcs die
HEE hEE hEEHJEEH hehee heee ehheh eh
(gasps for breath)
will contribute some poetry as soon as i can see straight again…
Someone requested 80s-era Chris Claremont, I believe. You just had to set off that long-dormant, formerly excised part of my brain, didn’t you? I’ll get you for this…
[FRODO is walking towards the Cracks of Doom, having just incinerated GOLLUM and five NAZGUL with a flick of his bushy toe. He is using levitation to tow SAM, who is completely paralyzed except for his mouth.]
FRODO: “But you see, Sam, the progression is inevitable. From Frodo Baggins…” [we see him in an outlandish greenish-gold traveling outfit with a normal-size Ring on his finger] “…to Master Underhill…” [suddenly changes to heroic brown outfit with cape and mithril shirt and a Ring the size of a doughnut on a chain] “…to Dark Frodo.” [suddenly changes to gray and black orc-rags and a Ring the size of a toilet seat around his midriff] “As inevitable as the tides of the sea, or of death. I can’t stop it. I don’t have the power, or the will.”
SAM: “No, Mr. Frodo, no! Together, we’ll work this out! It doesn’t have to be this way!”
FRODO: “Yes, it does. You but seek to delay the denouement of a fate long scripted. An admirable ploy, but it has failed.”
[Scene changes to the elven flagship, five times as big as the Titanic, floating on the Anduin. HALDIR watches the screens while GALADRIEL sits in a throne and PROFESSOR GANDALF sits in his wheelchair.]
HALDIR: I’m detecting a power signature from Mordor! It’s unlike anything I’ve seen before…off the scale! Discharging!
[A bolt of raw energy leaps outward from the Ephel Duath and blasts the elven fleet, turning several ships into charred kindling.]
Sound effect: ZZZRRAKK!
HALDIR (shouting): Majesty, we’ve been hit! All sectors reporting damage!
GALADRIEL: It’s the Frodo Effect! I knew it! Call all of Elvendom! Call the Valar! They must burn all of Mordor – burn all of Middle-Earth, if they have to! Dark Frodo must be destroyed, or Ea is doomed!
PROFESSOR GANDALF (reaching out with his magical mental powers to the other CIRTH-MEN – all exhausted in the previous thirty pages of pulse-pounding battle, some fallen, and some almost certainly dead, but this gaping plot problem is lightly passed over): My children, my charges…get up! Attack Dark Frodo, for the sake of the world! For the sake of all that is!
[ARAGORN hears the call, staggers up, and extends his adamantium Narsil-claws.]
ARAGORN: I hear ya, Professor…on my way…
[EOWYN summons a strangely horse-shaped cloud to lift her into the air.]
EOWYN: Frodo, what have you done? I pray we’re not too late!
[BOROMIR swims to shore and switches to his shining ithildin-armored form, glad that for once he has remembered not to do so until his feet touch bottom.]
BOROMIR: Frodo! Frodo, dearest comrade! I know ze power of ze sink you bear! Can ve brink ourselfs to destroy it and ze sink you heff become? I don’t know – but ve heff no choice!
[Back on the elven flagship, GALADRIEL is aware of PROFESSOR GANDALF’s machinations, and speaks to him mind to mind.]
GALADRIEL: Do you imagine they will succeed? An admirable ploy, but it will fail – and I will do what I must!
[FRODO holds his smoking hands in front of him, horrified by the force he has just unwittingly unleashed. He stops at the brink of the Cracks of Doom. At his summons, a machine of unimaginable monstrosity lurches upward from the depths and aims itself at him.]
FRODO: Sooner or later, Sam, I will lose all control, and the evil that will follow staggers the imagination…yet I can see it clearly. I can’t let that happen. I have to purge this power from existence before it consumes the cosmos.
SAM (straining hopelessly to unleash his garden-hothouse-lamp eye beams against the machine): Don’t you do it, Mr. Frodo!
FRODO: I love you, Sam!
[The machine disintegrates FRODO with a bolt of raw energy, colored slightly differently from the one that hit the elven ships to aid our comprehension.]
SAM: FRODO!
FRODO: SAM!
SAM: FRODO!!
FRODO: SAM!!
[The remaining CIRTH-MEN, NAZGUL, ELFJAMMERS, GONDORAN and EASTERLING ARMIES, and SAURON arrive in time to see SAM cradling a pile of ash. They kneel around him, overcome with emotion, in a tableau that will later be enshrined forever in a foil-embossed poster by Byrne and Austin.]
SAM: I love you, Frodo…
[Far away, in the legendary “blue area” of Middle-Earth, THE WATCHER, better known as ULMO, ruminates.]
ULMO: Humanity! I will never tire of watching them! A blighted race, it’s said…and yet, in the face of certain disaster, they exhibit sacrifice that would shame the Valar themselves! There have always been forces like the Ring, trying to tempt and corrupt them into betraying their true destiny…but in the face of love and courage, those attempts are doomed to defeat! All admirable ploys – but they’ve failed!!
[Stay tuned until next month, when the CIRTH-MEN will do a lot of crying and looking at sunsets and being attacked by GRIMA THE WENDIGO on their way home. Excelsior!]
Many thanks!!! I’m serious about doing the musical (actually, it would have to be more like grand opera) version of LoTR. I wonder, on a scale of 1 to 10, how impossible it would be to get the rights. I’m pretty sure I can’t count that high!
Now that I’ve started, I can’t seem to stop. Here is Andrew Lloyd Tolkien’s recently-discovered masterpiece, “Don’t Cry for Me, Oh Elessar!” [Sung to the tune of that famous song from “Evita”] (Of course, apologies and profuse thanks to Andrew Lloyd Webber & Tim Rice for what I think is the perfect musical, and to Tolkien, who brings out the poet in me.)
The setting: A balcony in Rivendell. The lights come up to reveal an elf-maiden who looks remarkably like Liv Tyler.
I couldn’t bear to leave him,
So I choose love.
Couldn’t live all the ages alone,
Sailing out on the Sundering
Seas, to the West.
My heart is with him,
Finding his fate on the Pelennor Fields,
His banner I wrought with my hands
to travel the Paths of the Dead.
Don’t cry for me oh Elessar,
I was supposed to have been immortal,
An elven princess, daughter to Elrond,
But in the end we
will die together.
I’ll bear you many children,
And you’ll be King,
Heir to Isildur crown’d.
The White Tree will flower
And Gondor will bloom.
My heart is with you,
And with you I’ll stay to the end of our time,
The ringbearer goes in my stead,
He’ll part from this world and find peace.
Don’t cry for me oh Elessar,
I was supposed to have been immortal,
Arwen the ageless, daughter of Elrond,
But in the end we
will die together.
Don’t cry for me oh Elessar!
Respectfully submitted,
KathleenTheCritic
Somewhere in the Middle-West