If LotR Had Been Written By Someone Else!?

Cafe Society
,
722

Re: LOTR Musicals

Ooh, wonderful, guys! Gee, too bad the rights would be so ridiculously high. We could all change careers. Whoot!

I’m working on one for ‘Cats’ (which has no cats in it, of course). Need to do one for ‘Chess’… “One Night in…”…? Hmm. Evil writer’s block. Blarg.

Yes, I was a theatre major in college. Note that I’m still a wanna-be now. :wink:

What other plays?

Into the Woods
Grease
Annie
Les Miserables
Fiddler On the Roof
The Sound of Music
Little Shop of Horrors
Oklahoma!
Sweeney Todd

I can think of more (heck, so can you all) …

Consider the above as requests, though! throws down the gauntlet

723

Excerpt from the Summa Tolkeinia
(With apologies to Thomas Aquinas)

III C 2 Whether Balrogs have Wings

i. It would seem that Balrogs do have wings. The Professor states " the shadow about it reached out like two vast wings" and "“its wings were spread from wall to wall”

ii Further, a Balrog is, like a Dragon, an evil creature associated with the element of fire, and it is clear to everyone that Dragons do have wings.

I assert that Balrogs do not have wings. For, it is a natural impulse to act to preserve one’s life, and in doing so, to make full use of one’s capabilities. If the Balrog did have wings, it would not allow itself to fall to its death in the mines of Moria, but save itself by the use of its wings

Reply to Objection i. It is clear from usage that the Professor was using a metaphor here, and not being literally descriptive

Reply to Objection ii. Dragons and Balrogs are alike in that they are both servants of evil and of flame, but they differ in their accidential traits. Because two things are alike in one way, it is not proper to argue they are alike in other ways.

724

Oooh, Into the Woods, my favorite. And here’s one of my favorite songs from that show, reworked a la LOTR.

Agony

Gollum:
Did we abuse it
Or show it disdain?
Why does it run from usssss?
Now that we’ve lost it
How shall we regain?
The preciousss must come to ussss!

Agony!
Beyond power of speech,
When the one thing we wantssss
Is the only thing out of our reach.

Sauron:
High in my tower,
I sit by the hour,
Seeking my ring.
Evil and cunning,
All goodness I’m shunning.
Where is that thing?
Where oh where oh where oh where oh-

Agony!
For the One Ring I cry,
Once I had all the power,
Now I’m a big flaming eye.

Both:
Agony!
Can you hear our loud screech?

Sauron:
What’s as intriguing-

Gollum:
Or half so fatiguing-

Both:
As what’s out of reach?

Gollum:
Are we not treacherousss,
Clever,
Ill-mannered,
and paranoid,
Ravenoussss,
Scheming,
As rude as we’re ugly
And 500 years old?

Sauron:
You are everything the ring could wish for!

Gollum:
Then why no-?

Sauron:
Do I know?

Gollum:
The world must be mad!

Sauron:
You know nothing of madness
Till you’ve lost your One Ring
And you can’t do a thing,
All your plans are on hold,
Without one band of gold:
Where oh where oh where oh where oh where oh where oh

Both:
Agony!

Gollum:
Misery!

Sauron:
Woe!

Both:
Though it’s different for each.

Gollum:
Nassty hobbits! They took-

Sauron:
I’ll slay them with a look!

Both:
But it’s just out of reach.
Agony!
Oh, that glittering thing!

We must find the One Ring!

725

…yet more variants from that well loved musical :
“The Sound of Mordor”

Legolas: You wait Little Dwarf, on an Empty Plain
To fight the Uruk hai on

Your Axe, Little Dwarf, is an awkward way
which you’re as like to die on
(To di-ie on…)

I’m on sixteen, going on seventeen
And you’re still stuck on two
Give it up Gimli
I’m much more nimble
and better skilled than you
I’m much older, and so much wiser
My features are more fa-ir
The only thing Gimli
That you could beat me
Is in a fight for Hair.
Totally unprepared are you to fight with Elf and Man
Timid and Shy and Scared I bet, of things beyond your clan…

Take the word of someone who’s wiser,
Telling you what to do-oo
Dearest Gimli, heeding this tally
I’m far a-head of you.

(musical interlude while they fight back to back, in a circular fashion.)

Gimli: Your score sixteen, going on seventeen?
You must think I’m naive!
I know elf lads
Are just fops and cads
And their words I don’t believe.
You are older - but not so wiser
Telling me what to do-oo
I’ll beat seventeen - going for eighteen!
I will (I swear, Elf!) beat you.

(L: I’ll wait a ye-ear,
I’ll wa-ait - a ye-ear - or two…)

Athelas, Athelas
Kingsfoil, asëa aranion
Small and Fair -
Somewhere here - has anybody got some?

Blossom of kings may you bloom and grow
-Minas Tirith, weeded?
Athelas - Elessar!
Hard to fi-ind when needed.

The Eye Superior sings:

Riders from 'Morgul
Search high and low
Follow every byway
Every path you know

The hobbit has had all the help he will get
Find me the one ring -
I’ll have it yet!

Nine riders, Nazgûl
Ford every stream
WAIT! the river Bruinen…sigh

  • Stupid Wraiths, 'though keen.

On a hillside…

**F:**How do you solve a problem like the One Ring
How do you reach Mt. Doom and drop it down?
How do you find an entrance into Mordor?
This sort of thing can really make you frown

G: “Precious is ours!” we know we want to tell him
Precious is ours - he ought to understand
We leads them night and day, we does what Master say
But how do we gets rid of nassty Sam?

All: How do you solve a problem like the One Ring?
How do you get it safetly through this land?

F: When I’m near it I’m confused, I’m distracted and bemused,
And I never know exactly where I am.
S: Gollum’s as fickle as the weather, Frodo’s flighty as a feather
G: We wants it - no we donts - and we hates Sam
S: Gollum is a bloody pest and I can’t get any rest
He’s a slinker and a stinker and a turd
He is wicked, he is wild
F: He’s a poor wretch Sam, be mild
S: He’s a danger, he’ll cause havoc, mark my word

All - How do you solve a problem like the One Ring?
F - looking down: Why do I hold the One Ring in my hand?

:smiley:

726

Okay, I’ll try one …

Lord of the Rings, by Michael Crichton

Gandalf has a PhD in Differential Topology from Cambridge and has been a project manager in the Shire for the past ten years. Coding spells is really a young wizard’s game, with all those all-night coding sessions, but he still couldn’t help getting his hands into the code from time to time. He required his underlings to provide natural language summaries of program structure since they are easier to read and it helped the coders solve logic problems as they wrote them.

Frodo entered the room with a ring dangling on a chain from his extended hand. He said, “Gandalf, we’ve found a bug – a big one!”

–
sam@rightclick.ca

727

Ring Bearer’s License Agreement

Please read the following license agreement (hereafter referred to as “AGREEMENT”). You must accept the terms (hereafter referred to as “TERMS”) of this license to bear the Ruling Ring (hereafter referred to as “RING”) to the Crack of Doom in the land of Mordor (hereafter referred to as “DOOM”).

GRANT OF LICENSE: This license grants you the right to bear RING to DOOM. You may bear RING only to DOOM, and any other land that is required to pass through in order to reach DOOM. Once you have reached DOOM, you agree forthwith to toss RING into the Crack that are found at DOOM. Any hesitation or deviation may be interpreted as a breach of TERMS, causing immediate and irrevocable termination of AGREEMENT.

LIMITATIONS OF LICENSE: This AGREEMENT does NOT grant you permission to allow others to bear RING, except where circumstances make such a transfer desirable. Such circumstance will be interpreted as a transfer of license, and the new bearer shall be bound by the TERMS put forth in AGREEMENT. You are further discouraged from wearing RING, except in circumstances where the protection and insight provided by RING are deemed useful in reaching DOOM. Under no circumstances are you permitted to transfer RING to one Sauron (hereafter referred to as “ENEMY”) or any employees or representatives of ENEMY.

TERMINATION OF LICENSE: This AGREEMENT shall be deemed terminated under the following circumstances: (1) RING is tossed into the Crack found at DOOM; (2) Your death, and the death of all your companions; (3) Major deviation from the path to DOOM; or (4) RING is transferred, voluntarily or involuntarily, to ENEMY or an employee or representative of ENEMY. In the case of (4) with voluntary transfer, the Valar in the Undying Lands would like to have a word with you.

728

LotR in a Nutshell, 50th Anniversary Edition
By the Staff of O’Reilly & Associates; ISBN 1-56592-001-5, 444 pages.

Table of Contents

Preface by Christopher Tolkien (CJRT)

Part I: Getting Started
Chapter 1: Timeline
Chapter 2: LotR Characters
Chapter 3: FotR - The Fellowship of the Ring: An Overview
Chapter 4: TTT - The Two Towers: An Overview
Chapter 5: RotK - Return of the King: An Overview
Chapter 6: Other References (Silm, HoMe, UT, Hobb, ATB, BoLT)

Part II: Language Basics
Chapter 6: The Quenya Scripting Language
Chapter 7: The Westron Scripting Language
Chapter 8: The Sindarin Scripting Language
Chapter 9: The Entish Scripting Language: Part 1
Chapter 10: The Entish Scripting Language: Part 2
Chapter 11: The Entish Scripting Language: Part 3
Chapter 12: The Entish Scripting Language: Part 4
Chapter 13: The Entish Scripting Language: Part 5
Chapter 14: Other Language References

Appendices
Appendix A: The Hobbit Family Tree
Appendix B: Maps

:slight_smile:

729

For SWEENY TODD-

“Attend the tale of Gollum-Smeagol
who can smell out his Ring like a beagel!”

ducks the rotten tomatoes & brickbats

For LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS-

"Little ring, little ring of power
Little ring, little ring of power…

*during Sam’s Temptation-"

“SUDDENLY SAMWISE is standing above you!
I’ve carried the pans, now I’m bearing the Ring!
I’ll remake MiddleEarth because I love you!
No! That power is eeeeeeeevil! I’LL NOT BE KIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNGGGG!!!”

SARUMAN-
“She said ‘Son, be a Wizard!’
Tho she did not see that I would go bad!
‘Be a Wizard!’
For the Eye has now driven me mad!
My ambition drives me from the Maiar!
Sauron as my Lord I confess!
I’ll be his Ring-Bearing Wizard-
and a Success!”

Shrdlu- I did do a Lucy’s Staking parody a few pages back- look for
BRAM STOKER’S SAURONULA

I might try to think up a Gollum-Renfield parallel scene.

Now, my request- an Apocalypse Now parody with Dennis Hopper’s Photographer character as Gollum.

730

Bilbo had already left. Frodo and I saw him off at Bag End Greyhound station. Inside they had a place where you could make paintings for a quarter. Bilbo took off his Ring and looked sinister. Frodo made a profile shot and looked coyly around. I took a straight picture that made me look like a thirty-year old Nazgul who’d kill anybody who said anything against his mother. This picture Bilbo and Frodo neatly cut down the middle with a razor and saved a half each in their wallets. Bilbo was wearing a real Shire business suit for his big trip back to Rivendell; he’d finished his first fling in Hobbiton. I say fling, but he only worked like a dog in the tavern lots. The most fantastic tavern-lot attendant in the world, he can back a turnip-cart forty miles an hour in a narrow space, back swiftly into tight spot, hump, snap the cart with the emergency so that you see it bounce as he flies out; then clear to the ticket shack sprinting like a track star, hand a ticket, leap into a newly arrived cart before the owner’s half out, leap literally under him as he steps out, kick the horse with the reins flapping, and roar off to the next available spot, arc, pop in, brake, out, run; working like that without pause eight hours a night, evening rush hours and after-theatre rush hours, in greasy wino pants with a frayed furlined jacket and big beat hobbit feet that flap. Now he’d bought a new suit to go back in; blue with pencil stripes, vest and all - eleven dollars on Bagshot Row, with a watch and watch chain, and a portable inkpot and mad quills with which he was going to start writing in a Rivendell rooming house as soon as he got a job there. We had a farewell meal of franks and beans, and then Bilbo set off with his stick in one hipster hand and humming The road goes ever on and on, wailing like a crazy sax, blowing great whooping blasts of smooth hobbit hiking sounds of travel and adventure and maybe a stone Troll or two, and roared off into the night. There went our wrangler. I promised myself to go the same way when spring really bloomed and opened the land, but first I had to have a look at that Ring.

  • From “On The Road to Mordor”, by Jack Kerouac
731

CERT® Advisory CA-2002-03 Multiple Vulnerabilities in Frodo Baggins (Of shire)

Original Release date: 9th day from the shire.
Last Revised: Tue NOv 5 12:04:32 EST 2002
Source: CERT/CC

A complete revision history can be found at the end of this file;

Systems Affected

Hobbits from all over the shire might be effected. See vendoer information for details of affected hobbits.

In addition to the vendors that have provided this feedback, a list of whom CERT/CC contacted regarding this problem is

Gandalf the white
Aragorn (Also known as strider)

Many other hobbits may be effected, but were not specifically tested.
Overview

Numerous vulnerabilities have been reported in multiple vendors hobbits. These vunerabilites change the wearer of the
ring to a ghostly appearance and seem to loose touch with self and current surroundings. If you know a hobbit please
check the advisory and follow the advice provided int he solutions section below.

  1. Description.

Hobbits (Halflings from the shire, not often seen publicly) is a race of beings based in the publicly known area such as the shire. This race was chosen to hold the “One ring to rule them all”, also known as “The ring of the dark lord” for the last two generations of hobbits. Numerous hobbits have been exposed to the ring, but few have been successfuly exploited.
VU#19301302

Bilbo Baggins was the first affected ring bearer,  nowing to have visible signs of change such as longevity and youthful valour.  Greed and seperation were beginning to surface in his character.

VU#29101030
Froddo Baggins (Nephew of Bilbo, no known mother) was the second effected halfling of the ring. Visible signs ofselfishness and emerging hyper agression are present. It is not known how long he will stay in his current form.

II. Impact

These hobbits can cause the destruction of middle earth, general darkening of the sky, the dark lord overthrowingthe world of men.

Solution:

Note that many of the mitigation steps recommended below may have significant impact on your everyday lifestyle. Unfortunately
these hobbits are chosen as part of a fellowship, and should not be distrupted on their journey. Their mission is to destroy the ring, by minimising contact with these individuals, less halflings can be affected.

Destroying the ring is the only way that the world can be saved from domination by the dark lord. (See cert advisory Dark Lord).

– This post is intentionally in accurate, as the ring effects others as well, but was kept as such to keep to traditional cert style –

732

CERT® Advisory CA-2002-03 Multiple Vulnerabilities in Frodo Baggins (Of shire)

Original Release date: 9th day from the shire.
Last Revised: Tue NOv 5 12:04:32 EST 2002
Source: CERT/CC

A complete revision history can be found at the end of this file;

Systems Affected

Hobbits from all over the shire might be effected. See vendoer information for details of affected hobbits.

In addition to the vendors that have provided this feedback, a list of whom CERT/CC contacted regarding this problem is

Gandalf the white
Aragorn (Also known as strider)

Many other hobbits may be effected, but were not specifically tested.
Overview

Numerous vulnerabilities have been reported in multiple vendors hobbits. These vunerabilites change the wearer of the
ring to a ghostly appearance and seem to loose touch with self and current surroundings. If you know a hobbit please
check the advisory and follow the advice provided int he solutions section below.

  1. Description.

Hobbits (Halflings from the shire, not often seen publicly) is a race of beings based in the publicly known area such as the shire. This race was chosen to hold the “One ring to rule them all”, also known as “The ring of the dark lord” for the last two generations of hobbits. Numerous hobbits have been exposed to the ring, but few have been successfuly exploited.
VU#19301302

Bilbo Baggins was the first affected ring bearer,  nowing to have visible signs of change such as longevity and youthful valour.  Greed and seperation were beginning to surface in his character.

VU#29101030
Froddo Baggins (Nephew of Bilbo, no known mother) was the second effected halfling of the ring. Visible signs ofselfishness and emerging hyper agression are present. It is not known how long he will stay in his current form.

II. Impact

These hobbits can cause the destruction of middle earth, general darkening of the sky, the dark lord overthrowingthe world of men.

Solution:

Note that many of the mitigation steps recommended below may have significant impact on your everyday lifestyle. Unfortunately
these hobbits are chosen as part of a fellowship, and should not be distrupted on their journey. Their mission is to destroy the ring, by minimising contact with these individuals, less halflings can be affected.

Destroying the ring is the only way that the world can be saved from domination by the dark lord. (See cert advisory Dark Lord).

– This post is intentionally in accurate, as the ring effects others as well, but was kept as such to keep to traditional cert style –

733

Picks up the gauntlet

STOP ME!!! :slight_smile: Oops! I’ve done it again. (Wait, that’s Brittney Spears.) I’m having such a great time with this. My co-workers think I’m losing my mind…I keep humming show tunes and cackling under my breath.

Here’s the latest product of my warped imagination: From “Grease” (another one of my favorite musicals) with apologies to any and all involved.

"It’s the Ring that I want!"

(The scene: Saruman sings from the balcony at Isengard, backed up by Grima Wormtongue & Lurtz.)

I’ve got Orcs, they’re multiplyin’,
And I’m gainin’ control
Cuz the power they’re supplyin’
It’s so Eye-defyin’! (Eye-defyin’, Eye-defyin’)

Better give up…
Uruk-Hai will crush (Uruk-Hai will crush)
Anyone who’s in my way
Better give up…
Cuz I’m gonna prove (better prove)
The Riddermark is mine today!
(Mine today, the Riddermark is mine today)

It’s the Ring that I want
(It is the One I want
Oooh, oooh, ooh, Power!)

The Ring that I want
(It is the One I want
Oooh, oooh, ooh, Power!)

It’s the Ring that I want
It is the One I want
Oooh, oooh, ooh, it’s what I need, oh yes indeed!

I’ve got Grima the Wormtongue
Edoras in my sway,
Isengard is gonna crush them
(gonna crush them, gonna crush them)

Better give up…
The White Hand will smite (Hand will smite)
Stable-brats like Theoden!
Better give up…
Cuz my Uruk-Hai (Uruk-Hai)
They will clear Rohan of Men!
(end their rule, they will end the rule of Men)

It’s the Ring that I want
(It is the One I want
Oooh, oooh, ooh, Power!)

The Ring that I want
(It is the One I want
Oooh, oooh, ooh, Power!)

It’s the Ring that I want
It is the One I want
Oooh, oooh, ooh, it’s what I need, oh yes indeed!

(Fade out as Treebeard et al begin pulling down parts of the outer ring of Isengard for their own amusement.)

Respectfully submitted,
KathleenTheCritic

(Still waiting for that phone call from the Producer(s) of “Lord of the Rings: The Musical”)

734

“The Sound of Mordor” – GENIUS!!! OMG, these are great! :slight_smile:

Musical theatre and LOTR. An unbeatable combination. I already have “One Ringular Sensation” choreographed a la Busby Berkley. (sp?) :slight_smile:

Keep up the great work everybody! Anyone know how to get in touch with Howard Shore??? :wink:

Kathleen

735

Chapter 1

IF YOU REALLY WANT TO HEAR about it, the first thing you’ll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that Bilbo Baggins kind of crap, but I don’t feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth. In the first place, that stuff bores me, and in the second place, my parents would have about two hemorrhages apiece if I told anything pretty personal about them. They’re quite touchy about anything like that, especially my father. They were nice and all, I’m not saying that—but they were also touchy as hell. Besides, I’m not going to tell you my whole goddam autobiography or anything. I’ll just tell you about this madman stuff that happened to me around last summer just before I got pretty run-down from taking that goddam ring to the goddam Mountain of Doom. I mean that’s all I told Bilbo about, and he’s my uncle and all. He’s in Grey Havens. That isn’t too far from this crumby place, and he comes over and visits me practically every week end. He’s going to make the journey with me to the Grey Havens when I go next month maybe. He just got a great Elf-built boat. One of those lithe Lothlorien jobs that can do around two hundred miles an hour. It cost him damn near four thousand. He’s got a lot of dough, now. He didn’t use to. He used to be just a regular writer, when he was home. He wrote this terrific book called “There and Back Again: A Hobbit’s Tale”, in case you never heard of him. The best part in it was when the trolls were going to eat the dwarves and Bilbo. It was about this time when these three trolls were going to eat the dwarves and Bilbo and Gandalf saved them. It killed me. Now he’s out in the Grey Havens, Bilbo, being a prostitute. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s the movies. Don’t even mention them to me.

Where I want to start telling is the day I left Hobbiton. Hobbiton is this place in that’s in the Shire. You probably heard of it. You’ve probably seen the ads, anyway. They advertise in about a thousand magazines, always showing some hot-shot hobbit on a horse jumping over a fence. Like as if all you ever did in Hobbiton was play polo all the time. I never even once saw a horse anywhere near the place. And underneath the guy on the horse’s picture, it always says: “Since 1888 we have been molding boys into splendid, clear-thinking young hobbits.” Strictly for the birds. They don’t do any damn more molding at Hobbiton than they do at any other school. And I didn’t know anybody there that was splendid and clear-thinking and all. Maybe two hobbits. If that many. And they probably came to Hobbiton that way.

Anyway, it was the Saturday of the big party for Bilbo’s 111th birthday. This 111th birthday party was supposed to be a very big deal around Hobbiton. It was the last party of the year, and you were supposed to commit suicide or something if you didn’t get invited. I remember around three o’clock that afternoon I was standing way the hell up on top of a hill, right next to this crazy cannon that was going to be used for the festivities and all. You could see the whole field from there, and you could see all of the hobbits preparing for the party all over the place. You couldn’t see the stage where Bilbo would make his speech too hot, but you could hear the hobbits all yelling and shouting orders, because practically the whole town except me was there.

– Catcher in the Deep, J.D. Salinger

736

You wanted Homer, you’ve got Homer.

Tell me O Mithrandir of that unexpected hero who travelled far
after the destruction of Dale by Smaug of the Ered Mithrin. Many
cities did he visit and many were the nations with whose manners
and customs he was unacquainted; moreover, he suffered much
over land while trying to save his own life and bring the ring safely
to its home; but do what he might, he could not save all of his
companions, for one of them perished through his own sheer folly
in succumbing to the temptation of the one ring; so the power
of Sauron prevented him from ever reaching home. Tell me, too,
about all these things, O Olorin, from whatsoever source you may
know them.

So now all who escaped death in battle or by magic had got
safely to shelter except Frodo, and he, though he was longing to
return to his friends and country, was detained by the Orcs of
Sauron who had got him into a large cave and wanted to destroy
him. But, as the days went by, there came a time when Samwise
would rescue him and free him from his bonds before they would
continue on their quest; nevertheless, all those who knew of his
task had now begun to pity him except for the ring which still
persecuted him without ceasing and would not let him get home.

Now, Gandalf had gone off to the Ents who were in the middle of
the world that lie in two halves, the one looking West and the
other East. He had gone to convince them to aid the race of Men
to help in their battle against the East. In this time, the races of
Middle Earth did meet in Meduseld and the King of the Rohirrim
did speak first. He was thinking of Theodred who had been killed
by Orcs; so he said to the others:

“See now, how men lay blame upon us for what is after all nothing
by their own folly. Look at Theodred; he must needs make love
only to the earth unrighteously, for he went into battle knowing it
would be the death of him; for I sent many Protectors of the Mark
to aid him, hoping that not either of these things would come to
pass, in asmuch as Eomund would be sure to take his revenge
in his own time. The Second Marshall of the Mark was facing
overwhelming odds, but he would not listen, and now he has paid
for everything in full.”

Then, Eowyn said, “Uncle, son of Thengel, King of Rohan, it served
Theodred right, and so it would any one else who does at he did;
but Theodred is neither here nor there; it is for Frodo that my heart
bleeds when I think of his sufferings in that lonely desolate land,
far away, poor Hobbit, from all his freinds. It is a land covered with
ash, in the middle of a wall of mountain and a Dark Lord lives there,
one of the Maia of Aule, whose power grows with every passing
day, and watches from his keep of Barad-Dur…”

It’s pretty accurate as far as the Greek is concerned

737

The Precious - by Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails

needs it
dreams it
finds it
tastes it
uses it
scars it
drops it
loses it
hates it
loves it
bites it
erases it

738

Rocky Horror, The TimeWarp…

It’s astounding, Elves are waiting,
Saruman, takes his toll.
But watch for Gandalf, not for very much longer,
Retribution, is inward bound.
I remember, doing the bow-shot (twang, twang)
Thinking, about those moments when,
the arrows would be flying,
and the orcs would be dying
Let’s do the bow-shot again,
Let’s do the bow-shot again.

It’s just a bow from the left
Arrows from the right,
You nock one up,
Then you let it fly
It makes twanging sound
That drive the Urak-hai insane.
Let’s do the bow-shot again
Let’s do the bow-shot again

(I know, I know (nervous giggle))

739

<i>Mr. Baggins said he would buy the flowers himself.

For Sam had his work cut out for him. The doors would be taken off their hinges; the Sacksville Baggins’s men were coming. And then, thought Bilbo Baggins, what a morning–fresh as if issued to children on a beach.

What a lark! What a plunge! For so it had always seemed to him…

He stiffened a little on the kerb, waiting for a cart to pass. A charming man the driver thought him (knowing Bilbo as one does know people who live next door to one in Hobbiton); a touch of the bird about him, of the jay, blue-green, light, vivacious, though he was over fifty, and grown very white since his 100th birthday. There he perched, never seeing the driver of the cart, waiting to cross, very upright.

For having lived in Hobbiton–how many years now? over twenty,–one feels even in the midst of the traffic, or waking at night, Bilbo was positive, a particular hush, or solemnity; an indescribable pause; a suspense (but that might be her heart, affected, they said, by influenza) before the Hobbiton clock strikes. There! Out it boomed. First a warning, musical; then the hour, irrevocable. The leaden circles dissolved in the air. Such fools we are, he thought, crossing the street. For Heaven only knows why one loves it so, how one sees it so, making it up, building it round one, tumbling it, creating it every moment afresh; but the veriest frumps, the most dejected of miseries sitting on doorsteps (drink their downfall) do the same…they love life…

He had reached the Park gates. He stood for a moment, looking at the carts in the center of town…He felt very young; at the same time unspeakably aged. He sliced like a knife through everything; at the same time was outside looking on…

…Did it matter then, He asked himself, walking towards the ale-house, did it matter that he must inevitably cease completely; all this must go on without him; did he resent it; or did it not become consoling to believe that death ended absolutely? but that somehow in the streets of Hobbiton, on the ebb and flow of things, here, there, he survived…?

The ale house always fascinated him; the ale house early in the morning in the season; its flags flying; the shops nearby; no splash; no glitter…

–Mr. Baggins by Virginia Woolf

740

The Lord of the Rings, by Clive Barker (in manner of Coldheart Canyon)

And, through another power other than his own, Frodo slipped the ring onto his finder. He was in another world. The Ring Wraiths’s faces were clear now, and Frodo was suprised to see that they were gasping in pleasure and screeching terrifically. The Wraiths were engaged in an orgy, pleasuring each other in various ways and Frodo found himself aroused. One of the Wraiths licked Frodos face and carressed his body, and Frodo found himself drawn down into the writhing heap of Wraiths’s bodies…

741

Frodo:
I am the very model of a hairy footed hobbiton
I have in my pocketses, a ring that I cannot put on
I know of the Fellowship, and I fight the orcs hysterical
From Bag End to Rivendell, nearly dead, it is a miracle
I’m very well acquainted, too, with iron swords of the Nazgul
I understand my quest is, just to travel and ignore the pull
Of the One and Only Ring, and Sauron he ahead doth loom
So I must travel onwards and toss this ring deep into Mount Doom

**Fellowship: **
So we must travel onwards and toss this ring deep into Mount Doom!
So we must travel onwards and toss this ring deep into Mount Doom!
So we must travel onwards and toss this ring deep into Mount Doom!

**Sam: **
I’m very good at gardening and watching after Bagginses
I’m loyal, hairy footed and I know just what my task just is
I have to care for Frodo while he carts that ring both low and high
Defend him from the ravages of Nazgul and the Uruk-Hai

**Fellowship: **
He has to care for Frodo while he carts that ring both low and high
Defend him from the ravages of Nazgul and the Uruk-Hai!

**Legolas: **
I’m the elven archer, Prince of Mirkwood and I’ve long blonde hair
I shoot with many arrows many enemies that might appear
I joined the Fellowship at the old Elven city Rivendell
I’ll travel with this troupe of beings right down to the gates of hell!

**Gimli: **
The dwarven part of this old group, minority of all I see
I’ve axes, beard and attitude enough to cover five of me
In every battle that takes place the enemies forever flees
Because if they get in my way I’ll take them off right at the knees!

**Fellowship: **
Because if they get in his way He’ll take them off right at the knees!
Because if they get in his way He’ll take them off right at the knees!
Because if they get in his way He’ll take them off right at the knees!

**Aragorn: **
Aragorn of Isuldur, a ranger with the skill to see
The power that a hobbit holds within his own delinquency
I’ll shield that little bugger from all danger while we travel on
To take that Ring of Power and dispose of it until it’s gone!

**Fellowship: **
We’ll shield that little bugger from all danger while we travel on
To take that Ring of Power and dispose of it until it’s gone!

**Gandalf: **
A mighty wizard that I am, I’m sorely tempted by the Ring
I must resist the deadly siren call of that infernal thing
By taking the Ringbearer down to Mordor where the lava waits
Along with four more others and with Frodo’s foolish Hobbit mates.
I’ve wrestled with Balor, and bleached my robes and beard with Napisan
I’ve raised my powers backlit and staff whitened as I ever can
I know that without my help the Fellowship simply won’t succeed
So I’ve done all I can to overcome and thusly meet that need!

**Fellowship: **
So he’s done all he can to overcome and thusly meet our need!
So he’s done all he can to overcome and thusly meet our need!
So he’s done all he can to overcome and thusly meet our need!

**Frodo: **
With Smeagol’s help and Shelob’s fright I’ve travelled far and yon to here
To reach the crack of Doom at where my quest shall ever finish clear
I’ve tossed the ring via Gollum’s gut into the fiery pits below
And now we’ll sail off to Aman, into the sea and western glow!

**Fellowship (minus Boromir, naturally): **
He’s tossed the ring via Gollum’s gut into the fiery pits below
And now he’ll sail off to Aman, into the sea and western glow!