If LotR Had Been Written By Someone Else!?

Cafe Society
,
842

Fresh from an escapade with his old nemesis Sauron, we caught up with Gandalf as he was trying build a new tower. He’s been involved in so many things in Middle Earth, we weren’t sure where to start our interview, but, as his friend Bilbo Baggins was always fond of saying, “Start at the beginning.” So we chatted with him a bit about his early time with the aforementioned Bilbo. We then moved on to his most recent escapade with Sauron, Aragorn, and of course Bilbo’s nephew Frodo. Along the way, we learned the infamous formerly gray wizard has had some escapades that have yet to make it into print…

PB I see your new tower is coming along nicely. Is it going to be taller than the one at Isengard was?

Gandalf Oh, I hardly think that matters. I am hoping to attract some newcomers though. The thing about wizards is that there are so few left in the world. I have high hopes to attract a few Men, perhaps some of the few elves that remain, and definitely a hobbit or two. I think that both Merry and Pippin would have an interest.

PB So it’s to be a regular wizard’s college?

Gandalf That would be the hope.

PB Let’s talk a little about your early years. Actually, how many years do you have?

Gandalf Let’s just say I make Hef look like a spring chicken and leave it at that.

PB My, my, that would be on in years then. How do you stay so healthy then? Is it your magic?

Gandalf Partly. Mostly I attribute my continued health to generous amounts of pipe-weed. [Laughs] And my association with the hobbits. Hobbits live quite long you know. And the elves, of course, are immortal, and I have learned a trick or two from them.

PBDid you attend a wizard’s college when you were young, then?

Gandalf Heavens, no. They didn’t have such things then. Actually, there’s only been one in the history of Middle Earth, and I am afraid it didn’t last long. I am hopeful that my effort will last longer.

No, no, I did things the old fashioned way; I was an apprentice to Saruman.

PB I imagine that name might be a tender subject. Did you have any idea when you were taking Bilbo to meet Smaug that Saruman would become so corrupted?

Gandalf No, I’m afraid that was a complete surprise to me. It wasn’t until he caught me with my pants down in Isengard that I learned of his fall.

PB You don’t wear pants.

Gandalf That’s true. The ladies appreciate that, actually.

PB Would that include Illwyn, Elrond’s lesser known daughter?

Gandalf Oh, you’ve heard that rumor, have you? [Laughs] Yes, she does, actually. But she’s sailed away now, so I am completely single at the moment.

PB Do you find your age to be an impediment to finding willing women?

Gandalf Does Hef?

PB Point taken.

Gandalf I should also say that I know more spells than those used for fireworks. Let’s just say I have magic in every part of my body.

PB No surprise there, I guess! So, how does it feel–and I guess this is the most obvious question to ask–now that Sauron is defeated for good?

Gandalf Let’s just say I am very relieved. One can only hope that not only does he stay defeated this time, but that no-one manages to forge a new One Ring.

PB Have you heard the rumors, then, that there’s a newsgroup on the MiddleEarthNet circulating a recipe for creating the One Ring.

Gandalf Of course. Who do you think created that lovely recipe?

PB You?

Gandalf Absolutely. Check the history, the original post is by GrayToWhiteBadAss12.

PB Then the formula is…?

Gandalf Absolutely worthless, except to cause those who try to use it a great deal of trouble.

PB Very clever of you.

Gandalf Thank you. I am a wizard, you know.

PB Yes, I suppose you are. Was there any point during your recent 3-part adventure that you feared for the success of the mission?

Gandalf Oh, I was nervous a time or two, I’ll admit. I knew the fellowship wouldn’t last–Boromir was sure to be an end of one sort or another to that. But hobbits have never let me down and have constantly surprised me, so I kept faith. In the end, things worked out for the best, after all.

PB That depends on who you ask. I understand that Frodo sued you for indirectly causing the loss of his finger.

Gandalf That’s hogwash. Frodo knew the risks and accepted them. Actually, when it was over with he was terribly pleased to find me still alive. We had a lovely celebration.

PB What do you think of his decision to sail away with the elves?

Gandalf A wise decision. I plan on catching a boat soon myself, once I have things established here.

PB What, a Middle-Earth without Gandalf? Say it ain’t so!

Gandalf I’m afraid so.

PB Any words of wisdom you want to share, then, in parting?

Gandalf Yes. Always check your jewelry before putting it on. You don’t know where it’s been.

843

I don’t know LOTR well enough to pull whatever material I need out of it to deconstruct it… and I’m not gonna spend hours and hours glossing it just for a gag. :slight_smile:

844

Shel Silverstein…

“Siq”

“I can’t go to Mordor today.”
Said young hobbit Frodo Baggins.

“I have not eaten breakfast yet,
look over there, see the plates set.”

“This Hornblower weed needs smoking,
sitting here I planned on toking.”

“I have to drain a keg of mead,
I have supper guests I must feed.”

“The hair on my feet I must trim.
Who? Sauron… haven’t heard of him.”

“The midday nap is almost here,
of bed and pillow I’m quite dear.”

“I strolled about just yesterday.
Think, what would Lobelia say?”

“Who will keep dear Sam in the straight?
I think today I’ll oil the gate.”

“What’s that? What’s that you say?
You say the Nazgul are on the way?
G’bye, I’m leaving the Shire today!”

845

Another first-timer here, but not [directly] from SlashDot…

Haven’t seen this done yet, so here goes nothing:

Shall we sing of Frodo Baggins,
Sing a tale of humble Hobbit,
Sing the Song of Frodo Baggins,
Nephew of the mighty Bilbo,
(Bilbo Baggins, late of Bag End,)
Bearer of the Ring of Power,
Sing of how he left the Shire,
Followed close by Samwise Gamgee,
Bravely fleeing with the One Ring,
Fleeing toward mortal danger,
In the company of others,
With a Fellowship of Heroes,
Questing into distant Mordor,
At the word of ancient Gandalf?

  • “The Song of Frodo”
  • Henry Wadsworth Tolkien

(Hiawatha anyone?)

846

Mixing two of the best movies of last year…I’ve come up with…

Mordor Rouge

847

Okay, some great smarts, some real brilliance on this thread…but I gotta say…

“Elrond Hubbard”??

Unbelievable. I thought I was bad because I can’t leave the Beavis and Butthead treatment of words like ‘poker’ and ‘uvula’ alone. (much less words like ‘period’, ‘colon’ and ‘ellipsis’) I thought I was bad when I made a pun about Reeses’ Pieces that involved monkies. But…

“Elrond Hubbard”?

Too cool.

848

Heh. I felt much the same way about Chomsky. :smiley:

Has anybody done Umberto Eco yet??

849

Terry Pratchet - Ring Lord :-

'It was a dark night in the Shire. Being a rather dull but sensible people, few asked questions on what could be going on outside on such a dark night, and it was generally agreed that this was a Good Thing. In fact, very little ever did go on, which would have been a Very Good Thing Indeed if anyone had ever ventured out to see.
'But tonight was no ordinary night. Today, dark powers were focussing their efforts on this peaceful village. Shadowy figures were converging, drawn to something so small and so innocuous that you’d be forgiven for snorting through your nose on hearing about it. And this thing, the centre of all these unwanted attentions, was a ring*.
The philosopher and Istari Laot-se Phungle finally demonstrated that, of all objects which a sensible person would possibly want to put their power into, a ring is one of the most useless and pointless*, coming just before the platypus and, even worse, another person. Most useful was a filling. Since few truly evil people really want to put their money where their mouth is, they normally would not want to do such a thing, base on the simple equation ‘Money = Power’.
Incidentally, it was also the most common, according to a survey by Cosm.*
***A magazine containing not only poinless and potentially inaccurate quizzes, but recursive asterisks to boot.

A terrible attempt, by all accounts. I will later try to write a better one, once I have slept. Also, who wants to write a Bill Bryson edition? I call it ‘A Walk in the Shire’ - or perhaps ‘Notes from a Small Hill’.

  • Jordan
850

[This isn’t mine, alas. It was written by *Verrain, who is just hideously busy and can’t get time to get to the boards so I’m posting it for him ]

And now, because Arden dared me, I present:

Mojo Jojo from the Powerpuff Girls as Gandalf

Scene the Bridge at Khazad Dun.

The Balrog comes clumping out. Mojo Gandalf stands in the center of the bridge staff raised.

“You shall not pass! You will come no further. Your advancement shall halt right here for I shall stop you. All forward movement will cease immediately. Behind me is the other side, which you will not get to, for I will prevent it. You will try to use fire against me but it will not work for I, Mojo Gandalf, have come prepared with anti dark fire devices. The fire will fail, go out, and otherwise be completely ineffective. I shall not be burned for the fire will not work.”

The Balrog brings the sword down and Mojo brings up the shield completely shattering the sword.

“Ha, ha, ha! Did I not tell you fire would not work? Your fire is utterly useless! It has shattered, exploded, scattered into a million pieces. Pieces which you shall not put back together for many of them have landed behind me and you shall not be able to get behind me for you cannot come any further!”

Balrog takes one step forward. “Do you not get it? You’ve lost! Give up! For I Mojo Gandalf will not let you advance. Backwards is the only direction of movement allowed for I, Mojo Gandalf, will not tolerate any more forward advancing!”

Balrog takes another step forward.

“Very well. You have forced me to use my ultimate weapon! Behold Mojo Gandalf’s Ultimate Plan for the Prevention of Balrog Advancing!”

Mojo brings down his staff on the bridge which crumbles sending the Balrog tumbling into the Abyss. Mojo looks down laughing.

“Mojo Gandalf has defeated you! I have won! I have prevented the forward movement as I said I would. When people ask who has defeated the Balrog, the answer will be, Mo-Jo…”

Whip snakes out and catches Mojo pulling him into the pit. Echoing up from the chasm the fellowship hears,

“Cur-ses!”

851

Ooops, accidentally clicked to send before I had written anything! Sorry, here we go again…

Mixing two of the best movies from last year, I’ve come up with…

Mordor Rouge

[Opening shot is silent-film-style black and white, various scenes of Middle Earth, with Frodo singing]

There was a ring,
A very strange, enchanted ring.
They say it wandered very far,
Very far,
Over land and sea…
A band of gold,
And very old,
But precious it was, to me.
And then one day,
One tragic day Gandalf passed my way.
And while he spoke of many things,
Fools and kings,
This he said to me…
The greatest thing
You’ll ever learn
Is just to bear
This ring…It must…burn! [music swells]

[Shot focuses on a dissolute Frodo, sitting in Bag-End]

Frodo [voiceover]:
The Mordor Rouge… A nightmare, a hell hole and a wasteland. Ruled over by Sauron. A kingdom of hellish horrors, where the evil and powerful came to play with the old and ugly creatures of the underworld…

The most evil of all these was the ring that I bore. The One Ring. A ring of power, it was made to rule all. They called it…Isildur’s Bane, and it was the star of the Mordor Rouge.

The ring I bore is…gone…

[Shot changes to flashback of Bilbo’s party]

I first began my quest one year ago… It was 3018, the summer of love. I knew little of the Mordor Rouge, Sauron, or the One Ring. Middle Earth had been swept up in the impending doom threatened by the eastern shadow, and I had left home because of it. Across the Ford of Bruinen lay the refuge of Rivendell. It was not, as some hobbits said [cut to shot of imposing, judgemental hobbit] “a village of SIN!” but one of the centers of the elven world! Elves, dwarves, men…they were to be known as the Fellowship of the Ring. Yes, I had come to go on a dangerous quest, to destroy the One Ring in the name of Truth, Beauty, Freedom, and that which I believed in above all else: Love!

[back to shot of imposing judgemental hobbit] Always this ridiculous obsession with love!

Frodo: There was only one problem - I’d never been in love!

Ok, I can’t think of any more - anyone care to finish it?

852

Make no mistake
I have the Ring
All who is not with me and my ring
Is against me
I shall not yield
You shall not pass

I have an army
It is bred for a single purpose
Make no mistake

LotR by George W. Bush, and his speech writers

853

Opening to “Nova”, sweet.

854

Cue Antiques Roadshow theme music

Announcer: Welcome to the new season of Antiques Roadshow. Today our setting is none other than the Party Field in Hobbiton, nestled in the heart of The Shire. The weather has been beautiful, and the turnout overwhelming.

Cut to a table, around which are seated an elderly hobbit couple and an appraiser. On the table are several miniature instruments: flutes, pipes, horns, and the like.

Appraiser: Well, we certainly have a lovely collection here. May I ask how you began collecting miniature instruments?

Woman: As a matter of fact, it began right on this very spot, at The Party.

Appraiser: You mean the party after which the field here is named?

Woman: Yes. I received this flute as a gift at The Party, and since then I’ve picked up the others for a few silver pieces each. My husband keeps telling me I’m spending too much on them.

Appraiser: Well, it’s a good thing you haven’t listened to him, because you’ve done really very well with these. If you look here, you can see dwarven runes that spell out DALE, the famous city by the Mountain, and these are really top quality manufacture, and much sought after by collectors. At auction, I should have to say pieces of this quality would sell for 5 to 10 gold pieces each.

Woman: Oh my!

Man: Goodness, I had no idea!

Cut to another table. A young hobbit lass sits across from the appraiser. He is examining a small leather pouch. He pulls several items out of the pouch and lays them out in a nice row.

Appraiser: Here we have a bit of a curiosity. It’s a ranger shaving kit. Here’s the miniature silver mirror. Here’s the straight razor. And here we have the shaving brush. Can I ask how you came by this?

Girl: Those rangers are just sooo dreamy, I collect all the ranger stuff I can find. I pestered my father for months before he finally caved in and took me to Bree, where I found this kit in a second hand shop for only 10 silver pieces. I just HAD to have it! It’s in such good condition; it looks almost new!

Appraiser: Well, I’m sorry to tell you this, but while you’re right that it’s in very good condition, every ranger shaving kit I’ve ever seen looks almost new. In fact, I’ve never seen one that’s looked like it’s been used at all. This is a delightful curio, but it’s only worth 2 to 3 silver pieces.

Cut to a mail shirt hanging from an armour rack. An appraiser and a middle-aged hobbit stand next to it.

Appraiser: I must say, this is truly a delight. I don’t think I’ve ever seen any piece of this quality before. Here we have a mail coat of dwarven manufacture, and judging by the style of the jewel settings, I should say produced around about the 11th century, Second Age. We can tell exactly where it was produced because it is, in fact, made of mithril, and as is well known, the only source of mithril in Middle Earth was Khazad-dum, or, as we call it now, Moria. Judging by its size and shape, we can tell that it was not produced for a dwarf - it is much to small. Considering the expensive adornment with these lovely white gems, and the age, it seems most likely that this would have been produced for a young Noldori prince in Eregion. This IS truly remarkable. Can I ask where you got it?

Hobbit: Well, I inherited it from my uncle, actually. He’d done some contract work for a group of dwarves, this would have been back in 1341.

Appraiser: 1341 Shire Reckoning?

Hobbit: Yes, Shire Reckoning. Anyways, as I said, my uncle had done some work for these dwarves, and the mail shirt was a part of the payment. My uncle passed it on to me a few years back when I had to make a lengthy journey to the south.

Appraiser: Well, it certainly is a magnificent piece of metalwork. Tell me, do you have it insured?

Hobbit: No. No, I don’t.

Appraiser: Well, I’d recommend that you get it insured as soon as possible. Here in Hobbiton, of course, it wouldn’t bring that high a price, but at auction in Minas Tirith, I would have thought it should bring at least 30 to 40 thousand gold pieces.

Hobbit: Really, so much as that?

Cut to table where an appraiser sits across from an elderly man with a long grey beard and bushy eyebrows. The appraiser is examining a ring.

Appraiser: This really is extraordinary. If this is what I think it is… (Long pause while he turns the ring over and over in his hands. We can see the ring consists of a large ruby set in a plain gold band.) …yes, I do believe that what we have here is the work of an elvish smith named Celebrimbor who made this ring as part of a set of three back in the latter part of the 16th century of the Second Age. Have you had it long?

Man: I received it as sort of a welcoming present upon my arrival in Middle Earth, about 2000 years ago.

Appraiser: Really? So long as that! Well, I must say that it’s in truly fabulous condition for an item of such age. Rings such as this, made by the elvish smiths of the mid-Second Age, most of them belonging to sets, of three, or seven, or nine, are really very collectable and highly sought after. I’ve heard stories of one rather wealthy and powerful collector sending entire armies to search for them. Sadly, a great many of them have been destroyed. You wouldn’t happen to know whether the other rings belonging to this particular set have survived?

Man: Yes, in fact the other two rings in this set are in the possession of good friends of mine.

Appraiser: Well, you really ought to think about getting these rings together. Do you have any idea what it’s worth?

Man: I have always thought its true value could not be measured in gold.

Appraiser: Well, be that as it may, I would have to say this ring, on its own like this, would bring, say, 6 to 8 thousand gold pieces at auction. But, if you had the set of three, that would be much more desirable, and might bring as much as 50 thousand.

Cut to announcer standing in front of an extraordinarily beautiful tree.

Announcer: Well, there you have it. We’d like to thank the people of Hobbiton for sharing their treasures with us. Until next week, when we’ll be coming to you from Frogmorton, farewell.

Cue theme music

855

:eek:

That’s AWESOME! I have no more words. This now my favorite of the thread.

Welcome Slashdotters! (I’m famous, ma, I’ve been quoted in a Slashdot article!)

Trollificus’s Shakespeare is the best yet (no offense to the previous ones, which were all great too.)

And Verrain’s Mojo Gandalf had me in tears.

Brain Donor, while I appreciate the sentiment, you might want to check the copyright notice at the bottom of the page. They don’t take kindly to that sort of thing round here…

856

Hey, The Antiques Roadshow!
One of my favourite series :slight_smile: nice to see it represented here as well!

857

4’33"

by J.R.R. Cage

Thank you, thank you.

858

We were somewhere around Mordor on the edge of the marshes when the ring began to take hold. I remember saying something like ‘I feel a bit lightheaded…’ And suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge Nazgul, all swooping and screeching and diving around the three of us, who were going about a 3 leagues a day under no cover to Mount Doom.
…
‘Despite his race, this man is of extreme importance to me. I mean, I just didn’t pick him up off the strip. I think he’s probably one of the ancient river folk.’
…
Hunter S. Thomson

859

More ideas: A le Carré version, and an Umberto Eco translation… (Yikes!) I think I’ll try my hand at the latter, when I have time!

  • Jordan
860

Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale
A tale of a fateful quest
That started from this quiet Shire
At old Gandalf’s behest

Now Sam was a nosy gardener
And Frodo quite unsure
Four Hobbits crossed the Brandywine
For Bree and Butterbur
For Bree and Butterbur

Now Stryder joined them, big and tough,
The Nazgul, they were cross
If not for the courage of Frodo (in the book)
The Ringquest would be lost
The Ringquest would be lost

The 'Ship takes shape in the halls
Of Rivendell around a pyre
With Legolas
And Stryder too
And Boromir
And the dwarf
The Grey Wizard
And the rest
Will burn the Ring in fire!

(Second part)

Now this is the tale of the Fellowship
They walk for a long long time
They’ll have to make the best of it
Through Moria and the mine.

Old Gandalf leads them through it all
When Pippin starts a mess
Of fights with Orcs and Cave Trolls
Til the Balrog scares the rest.

They run! They hide! “You shall not pass!”
Shouts Gandalf as they flee
And as the bridge collapses
His death they think they see

They meet the Lady of the Woods
And having seen her powers
They headed down the Anduin
What’s next? Read The Two Towers!

861

From “Middle Earth Histories” by Herodotus
This next part was related to me by the Gondorians and not confirmed by the Mordorians. When Belecthor II was chief steward of Gondor, he rode with a small contingent of men out of Minas Tirith, crossed the Anduin, and crept over the pass below Minas Morgul. Coming into Mordor by night, he saw a detachment of orcs training for war, led by one of the ringwraiths. He spread his men out, silently surrounding the orcs, then attacked from all sides at once. Belecthor himself went for the ringwraith, fighting valiantly and eventually slaying him. When his sword cleaved the ringwraith’s neck, the body disintegrated, leaving just a black cape lying in the dirt. With their leader gone, the orcs quickly succumbed and were killed to the last man. Belecthor and his men returned to Gondor with the ringwraith’s cape, where it was hung on the wall of the dining hall, just to the left of the main door, and can still be seen there in my day.

The Mordorians tell a different story. I’m not inclined to believe it myself, but I’m just relating it as they told it to me. According to them, it was Ecthelion II, not Belecthor II, who ventured into Mordor with his son, Denethor II, and a few of his best warriors. They came across a contingent of orcs–on that part at least the Mordorians’ account agrees with that of the Gondorians–but they say it was near the top of the pass near Minas Morgul, not actually on the plains of Mordor itself. The orc party caught Ecthelion by surprise, captured him and his men, and led them to Minas Morgul. In one of the corridors, Denethor managed to free himself, released his father, and the two of them disappeared into a tunnel, hotly pursued by the orcs. As they raced around a corner in the dark, they ran into the lair of the giant spider, Shelob, who picked up the two Gondorians and wrapped them in heavy silk threads. The orcs, not daring to go any closer, turned and fled back to Minas Morgul, where they promptly impaled the rest of the Gondorian warriors and dumped their bodies on the high peaks for the crows and vultures to pick at. Ecthelion and Denethor were eaten by Shelob, and never seen again.

The Mordorian account seems less likely, even if you can accept giant spiders in hidden mountain caves, as Denethor’s name appears again in later stories concerning the battle of the Pelennor Fields. However, I’ll leave those events until later, when I give my account of the downfall of the dark lord Sauron.