If LotR Had Been Written By Someone Else!?

Cafe Society
,
942

Excerpts from The Underhill Identity, by J. R. R. Ludlum

Bree. The answers would be in Bree. They had to be. Underhill dismounted the pony and approached the gate. The gatekeeper let him in without question. Was it just Underhill’s imagination that a flicker of recognition crossed the man’s face? Riding along the main street, he came to an inn. A sign bearing a picture of a white pony reared up on its hind legs swung above the door. The image burned in his brain. He had seen it before. He had been here before. Why couldn’t he remember?

Underhill rode past the inn, continuing down the street until a dark ally opened up to his left. He ducked into it and tied the pony to a rail. He crept down the shadowy ally until he arrived at the back of the inn. Somewhere inside was a clue as to his identity, he was sure of it. He slipped through the back door of the inn. Where had he learned to move like this? To use ambient noise to camouflage his approach? He froze as he heard voices coming from the front desk. Peering around the corner, he saw a tall man in a black cloak confronting the obese innkeeper. The innkeeper was shaking in fear as the man in black stepped towards him. The man’s voice was thin and shrill and menacing.

“Where is Baggins?”

Baggins. He heard the name and the echoes erupted into cracks of deafening thunder. And with each crack, pain jolted him, bolts searing one after another through his head, his mind and body recoiling under the onslaught of the name. Baggins. Baggins. The mists were there again. The darkness, the wind, the explosions.
Arda, Baggins, Cirth, Dagor. …Baggins, Dagor. Dagor, Baggins.
Baggins is for Bilbo. Dagor is for Baggins.

943

A quick attempt at “The Dark Ring” by Stephen King. I don’t have time to format this, you’re going to have to imagine the gratuitous overuse of italics for yourself. Also, if King had written it, about three quarters of the series would have taken place in the Shire, with only a quick trip to Mordor at the start of the third Act, and most of the war would be narrated to Frodo via phone calls from his lawyer or sister.

Frodo looked down at the small band of metal
(ring)
that lay in the glowing embers of the fire, and something tickled his memory. A tale told by Myriam Furrfoot, one morning over elevenses, a tale of a … ring
(one ring)
… a ring old and ancient as the elves.
He remembered that day because of the way she had looked, as she visited on her way to the local shop. She had been wearing a hat with a veil, that Frodo had thought looked like a spider. It had been to hide the bruises, of course, but he had not mentioned that. Upjohn “family correction” was well known in the Shire, and it was considered by the old men who sat outside the general store that either one day Myriam would get up and leave or one day they’d bury her, but it weren’t no matter for outsiders. “Ayup,” they’d say. “Family business shouldn’t go no further than the family dooryard”.
The Shire was full of old stories, dark stories - people had a way of going missing in the Shire, young children in particular - but this one was darker than most.
Hey there, Frodo boy, he thought to himself. How did it go?
He thought he knew the answer, and he had the suspicion that the answer started with a war…

944

With apologies to Tolkien, Sondheim & Bernstein (Hey–sounds like a law firm.)

From the new musical, Westron Side Story

(Legolas)

Moria!
The most hideous place that I’ve ever been
Moria, Moria, Moria, Moria…
A more hideous horde of fell beasts I have never seen
Moria, Moria, Moria, Moria…

Moria, I just left a mine called Moria!
And suddenly that name
Will never be the same
To me.

Moria!
I’ve just left a pit called Moria.
A Balrog straight from hell
Where Grey Mithrandir fell,
We flee!

Moria!
Orcs and goblins and cave trolls for slaying…
Khazad-dum—dwarves are crazy for staying.

Moria!
I’ll never stop cursing Moria.

The most hideous place that I’ve ever been
Moria!
Respectfully submitted,
KathleenTheCritic

945

Oh, also I read some Piers Anthony recently, to remind myself why I had stopped reading Piers Anthony. Why must every conflict be resolved by the application of logic to a brainteaser?

So, thought Frodo. There was some mechanism of revealing the magic of the ring. What might it be? Putting it on? He had tried that already. Certainly that had been most interesting, but he was led to believe that it was something further. He turned to Gandalf.
“Gandalf, can you tell me the means of activating the magic of this ring?”
Gandalf nodded, his thick beard shaking.
“What is it then?,” asked Frodo.
Gandalf was silent.
“Can you speak?”, he tried.
Gandalf shook his head.
Ah! His thick beard was acting as a gag! It was dangerous to be an old man indeed! Well, then, he would have to approach the puzzle from a different direction.
“Can you answer me yes and no by nodding and shaking your head?”
Nod, nod.
Now he was getting somewhere!
“Is the magic of the ring activated by something I say?”
A shake.
“Something I do?”
The wizard nodded enthusiastically.
“Does it require me to interact with some other item?”
Nod.
“Something I have on me?”
A shake.
“Something in my house?”
Nod, nod.
Progress! But what could it be? His table? His larder? Somehow that didn’t seem right. The ring of power had been forged in the fires of Mount Doom. Perhaps it retained some affinity with - of course!
“Gandalf, do I need to use fire?”
A happy, energetic nod. He had the answer! Frodo turned and cast the ring into his fireplace.
Slowly, strange symbols appeared around the ring. A phrase, previously dormant, was being revealed by the action of the heat. Potent magic indeed!

946

KathleenTheCritic:

That was wonderful! :slight_smile: I especially liked the line:

Kudos!

947

In the final words of Gollum Wilde

“Either this ring goes, or I do”

948

This Is Just to Say
by William Frodo Williams

I have destroyed
the ring
that you kept
in your chest

and which
you had been
using
at parties

Forgive me
it was evil
though shiny
though gold

949

Oh my… I thank you for your praise, and bow in humble reverence to the superiority of your post. I am DEFINITELY not worthy… :smiley:

950

Berry Kercheval <berry <at> kerch <period> com> wrote elsewhere:

So this dark rider walks into the Prancing Pony and orders a pint.
The Ranger in the corner says “Hey, tall dark and wraithlike, what’s a Nazgul like you doing in a place like this?”

951

The Balrog unleashes 800 rounds with a Gatling gun, which Gandalf skilfully avoids by running just ahead of the stream of bullets in extreme slow-motion.

Gandalf makes a flying leap for the C4 explosives detonator, which is teetering on the edge of the abyss having been knocked out of his hand by the Balrog in earlier combat.

White doves fly across the screen.

GANDALF (dubbed, mouth moving out of sync): “You are not pass!”

He performs a triple-flip, cracking the bridge with his bare hands.

GANDALF (to the doves): “Fry, you fools!”

Later, in the Two Towers, Gandalf re-appears, wearing the Balrog’s face.

952

Not sure if it’s already been done, i didn’t wanna read thru all 19 pages >.<

Here it is!

The Lost Chapter of The Two Towers

MiddleEarthDate 352112421.8
The nine walked down the dark corridor, swords drawn. Suddenly, out of nowhere, an orc popped up! “Look Out!” Gandalf cried. Everyone hit the floor. The orc dumbly looked around, and not seeing anything, dumbly wandered in their direction, then walked right past them. “Whew, that was close” muttered Gimli. “We must be more careful” stated Gandalf, “our scouts have reported many more in this area.” They walked further, when suddenly, they came across a seemingly empty clearing. They wandered into the middle of it. Gandalf dug his staff into the ground, closed his eyes, and muttered an incantation. Suddenly, he looked up. “We’re not alone…” he whispered. A cracking stick in the brush caused everyone to jump. They turned in the direction of the noise, swords drawn. “See what it is” Gandalf told Legolas. Legolas crept fowards, when suddenly, a dark figure jumped on him. Then, the screams of many more came from the bush. They were under attack! Suddenly, hundreds of elves showed up, killed the attackers, and then they all sat down and discussed what had hapened to them.
The End

It’s not TOTALLY Gene Roddenberry/Star Trek, but at least the ending is :slight_smile:

953

Someone mentioned it earlier…

little hobbit
running
fromthe big bad ringwraiths

running

ring
in
pocket

runningtohis

d
o
o
m

mount doom burningsaurons
e
y
e
westward lookstosee

hobbits elves dwarvesandhumans
hobbits
faterests

on
ho
bb
its

ee cummings

wow what a great thread, though. :slight_smile:

954

I went back and nicied a really good ee cummings one, and if the silly thing would let me delete my post, I would… but apologies for that poor excuse for an attempt, I’m really not up on my poetry I guess. :stuck_out_tongue:

955

Ok, I’ll go for it. My attempt (written quite some time ago, actually) at a haiku version, one for each book:

“Your ring’s dangerous.”
They set forth on their journey.
Oops, goodbye Gandalf.

There’s lots of fighting
Orcs, Ents, towers and horses
Frodo’s in Mordor.

Frodo gets all weird
Gollum bites his finger off
Falls in Mount Doom. Yay.

956

Gregg Easterbrook (the Tuesday Morning Quarterback) writes for espn.com’s page 2. A very good read each week. :smiley:
ESPN: Serving sports fans. Anytime. Anywhere.

ahem

The Tuesday Morning Hobbit

*Naturally of course, the Tuesday Morning Hobbit didn’t catch last night’s siege of Helm’s Deep. Why? Well, because due to a lack of government regulations, the siege was only availble on DirectTV. Now, the TMH would love to have DirectTV, why he wouldn’t miss a single fight. Sadly the TMH is stuck in the Shire, where it seems that no dish provider has ever, or will ever, visit. So the TMH is stuck with watching local grass growing competition down near Bag End. Luckily, the TMH has friends in high places, and he was later able to catch the whole she-bang.

Either way, onward we go!*
**Sweet Play No. 1: **Aragon throwing Gimli. Two against dozens, but what better way to throw off your opponent’s gameplan then take the fight to them.

**Cheerleader of the Week: **Got to love that Lady Arwen. Sure she can’t fight and is nothing but a daddy’s girl…but man she is definetly the TMH Cheerbabe of the Week.

**Sweet Play No. 2: **Legolas mounting a horse on the run. Now the TMH certianly doesn’t play ‘that’ kind of ball, but you have to admit the little hook and reel was a sight for sore eyes.

**Stop Me Before I Blitz Again! **To the-orcs-that-aren’t-really-orcs of Mordia. With 14:13 left in the seige, they had numbers advantage on Helm’s (caution: may contain fighting humans) Deep who were facing a 4th and long. Sit back and let the humans implode…and the game is over. It’s a blitz! Aragon and company easily break out of the throne room, and the route is on. Ye Gods.

**Stats of the Week: **Team Helm’s (caution: may contain fighting humans) Deep, despite being out-manned and out-gunned, still managed to pull of the upset victory 9,192-473.

**What’s he got in his pocketses?: **Nothing! There is nothing in his pocketses!

**This Week’s Challenge: **The White City vs the Leigons of Mordia! Propose your everlasting Haikus here. Cleverness and originality will probably be rewarded, though not necessarily, as the final decision will be completely arbitrary.

957

First, let me just say I think you all are brilliant. This doesn’t nearly compare, but I couldn’t resist…

LOTR Meets Les Miserables (the musical version - with apologies to anyone connected with either of the original works)…

I Dreamed a Dream (sung by Arwen after The Fellowship leave Rivendell)

I dreamed a dream in an Age gone by
When hope was high and immortality worth living
I dreamed that I would never die
I dreamed the Ring would be forgiving

Then Bilbo was young and oft afraid
And rings were made and used and wasted
There was no dragon left unslain
There was no mirhiril left untasted.

But the Balrog came at night
Gandalf’s voice, it sounds like thunder
To tear the Fellowship apart
As Frodo watched Gandalf fall away

He slept for one night by my side
Aragorn’s love filled me with wonder
That wonderful man also named Stryder
I’d gladly die if he’d be saved

And still I dream he’ll come to me
That we will live the years together
Although a mortal king he’ll be
And death’s a storm he cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this tale I’m weaving
So different now from what I dreamed
The Ring has killed the dream I dreamed…

958

Excellent. :smiley: In fact, most of everything that’s been posted here has been amazingly, stupifyingly excellent.

Pardon me if these have been done, but… 19 pages! boggles

Not a syllable passed aloud. They all waited in silence for the appearance of their visitor. His footsteps were heard along the gravel path: in a moment he was in the passage, and in another he was before them.

His countenance, as he lept upon the hill, was not too happy, even for a Wizard. His complexion was white with agitation; and he looked as if fearful of his reception, and conscious that he merited no kind one. Aragorn, however, conforming, as he trusted, to the wishes of the Fellowship, by whom he then meant, in the warmth of his heart, to be guided in every thing, met with a look of forced complacency, gave him her hand, and he then knew joy. For it was not the evil Saruman who stood before them; but it was, in fact, the great Wizard Gandalf who was, in fact, quite whole and unbroken.

-Hobbit and Hobbitability, by (the ever redundant comma-lover) Jane Austen.

Saturday

I had to walk behind Gimli for the last 58 miles. You think the guy would have heard of rubbing himself down with Kingsfoil by now to get rid of the smell, but I guess not. You can’t expect someone like him, who enjoys spending most of his time in a dark cave, to keep up on the latest trend in personal hygiene.

Hygiene HYGIENE hygiene
hygiene HYGIENE
hygiene.

Funny how repeating the same word over and over will make it bereft of all meaning.

I was thinking the other day that in Legolas wants in on this “Fellowship” deal we have brewing, he’s really going to have to learn how to be more personable. I mean, I know he was the big bad Elf prince of Mirkwood, but over here he acts like he can walk on snow or something. The tech support in Gondor is going to eat him alive.

If Legolas was a contestant on Jeopardy!, his seven dream categories would probably be:

[ul]
[li]Things I Like To Do With My Hair[/li][li]Leggings[/li][li]Why I’m Prettier Than Everyone Else[/li][li]Long-Distance Vision[/li][li]Pranks Involving Arrows[/li][li]Potpourri Of Things I Can Do Better Than Everyone Else[/li][li]Why I’m Still The Prettiest[/li][/ul]
-Ringserfs, by Douglas Coupland

 “You know what I keep thinking?” said Sam.
 Frodo snuffled.
 “This would be a very good location for a ‘Captain Gamgee’s Original Hobbiton Stewed Coney and Tater’ franchise.”
 Frodo’s relaxed body contracted as though each muscle in it had been stung by a drop of Shelob’s poison.  

 Here was the problem:  Frodo wanted Sam to love him for his body and soul, not for what carrying a ring of power or being the only heir of an eccentric, rich uncle could buy.  He thought that Sam was hinting that he should buy him a ‘Captain Gamgee’s Original Hobbiton Stewed Coney and Tater’ franchise, which was a scheme for selling cooked rabbits.
 
 A rabbit was a small, furry woodland creature that looked like this:

-Second Breakfast of Champions, by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

959

Hope it’s not been done before, but…

[Sung by Frodo. Featuring a rap by Gandalf.]

[knock knock knock knock]
Gandalf: Hey!
Bilbo: What?
Gandalf: Take it off!
Bilbo: Gandalf this is my birthday!
Gandalf: Take it off!
Bilbo: No!
Gandalf: You’re too old for this, take it off!
Bilbo: Gandalf I’m eleventy-one, c’mon!
Gandalf: No! Take it off NOW!
Bilbo: No, but this-is-ge-de-- the-- I wanna keep it, okay?
Gandalf: No, you’ve had the ring long enough and Frodo-- [Bilbo caresses the ring and whispers to himself.]
[knock knock knock]
[sound of ring falling to the floor of the hobbit-hole]
Bilbo: Yeah, right… too old?.. sure… eat this!
I took my ring from the Shire to Bree
Boy is that Underhill?
Yes we’re one in the same
Now I believe in Gandalf
But he did not show up there that night [Hee!]
But if you’re thinking about my ring
Then it don’t matter if you’re evil or good

I went out walking when we settled at shore
Boromir followed, claimed he’s looking for wood
Then the ring took ahold of him
And he would have stolen it if he could
But if you’re thinking about my ring
Then it don’t matter if you’re evil or good

[Hee hee!]

I am tired of this Smeagol
I am tired of this ring
I am tired of this Sauron
Go when the going gets mean
I ain’t scared of your Uruks
I ain’s scared of no bluff
I ain’t scared of no Nazgul
Go when the goin’ gets tough

Protection
For elf, dwarves, and humans
causing grief in earthen relations
It’s a earth war on a middle scale
I’d rather hear both sides of the tale
See, it’s not about power
Just towers
Hour
Cuz when the Nazgul come
You’re gonna cower
Yeah, I’ve seen the brave get terror
I’m not going to spend my life being a ring-bearer

Don’t tell me you’ll abide by me
Cuz I’ve seen the big red flaming eye
But if you’re thinking about my ring
Then it don’t matter if you’re evil or good
I said if you’re thinking about my ring
Then it don’t matter if you’re evil or good
I said if you’re thinking of being the bearer
It don’t matter if you’re evil or good

Ooh, ooh
All right
Yea, yea, yea now
Ooh, ooh
All right, ja know, all right
Yea, yea, yea now

It’s precious, it’s mine
It’s tough for them to get by
It’s precious, it’s mine
It’s precious, it’s mine, HOO!

960

Shocked–shocked!–that there is no Walt Whitman, I offer this attempt (and encourage others to amend).

Two other suggestions:
Grateful Dead, What a Long Strange Trip It’s Been;
Carl Sandburg, Mordor Poems (tree-butcher of the world, etc.)

Frodo Whitman
(Abridged) “Song of the Open Road”
from Rings of Grass (2920)

1

Hairy-foot and heavy-hearted, I take to the open road,
Heartsick, fearful, MiddleEarth before me,
The long brown path before me, leading only to Mordor

Henceforth I ask not good-fortune—I myself am my only good fortune;
Henceforth I feast no more, postpone no more, have nothing.
With Sam strong beside me, I travel the dark road.

Burrows and ditches—they are sufficient;
I do not want any towers nearer;
I know very well what they are;
I know what they mean for those who dwell in them.

(Still here I carry my old heavy burden;
I carry it, men and women—I carry it with me wherever I go;
I hope it is possible for me to get rid of it;
I am sick of it, and will get rid of it in my turn.)
2

Allons! my Fellows, come travel with me!
Traveling with me, though you tire, you may not rest.

Sauron at Bard-dur rests not;
His wraiths are rude, silent, incomprehensible—they rest not, nor does the Balrog, deep within Khazad-dum;
But be not discouraged—keep on—though we may not rest, though we must forge ahead,
I swear to you that I will do my best, though it may not succeed.

Allons! we must not stop here!
We may bring along stores, magic food and clothes—these will help us on our way.
But we may not stay with Elrond in fair Rivendell, or in Lorien with Galadriel;
We must travel on to Barad-dur, deep within Mordor, through dark lands and fell.
However shelter’d this forest, and however calm these trees, we must not stay here;
However welcome the hospitality that surrounds us, we are permitted to receive it but a little while.

3

Allons! the ring will entice us;
We will fight its lure day and night;
We will go where its power is strongest, and the Orcs and the minions of evil speed by under full power.

Allons! with power, we could rule the earth, the elements!
Misery, fortune, all things would be under our command;
Allons! we will abjure the power, though it kills us;
We will heed not your Nazguls, O dark-eyed and corrupt Sarumon!

Allons! we will cast it into the fires of Mount Doom!
He traveling with me, of stout heart, thews, endurance;
He will bear me to the trial, with courage and skill.

I and my Fellowship will not succeed by logic, strength, or cunning;
We succeed by our hearts.

4

Listen! Sam, I will be honest with you;
I do not offer ale and warm fires, but offer cold hard walks;
These are the things that will happen to you:

You will be hungry on many nights,
You will be given many wonders but they will barely serve to protect you.
You but arrive at Elven cities, foresthomes, and waterfalls—when you are call’d by an irrestible urge to depart,
You shall be treated to rough coaxings from comrades, the loss of protectors, and the scrutiny of wormish companions;
What beckonings of love you receive, will be answered with only sighs and forward marches through deserts, deadlands, and caves.
You shall not allow the hold of orcs, wraiths, and wizards who spread their reach’d hands toward you.
5

Allons! through struggles and wars!
The goal that was named cannot be countermanded.
Have past ringbearers failed?
What has failed? their spirits? their hearts? their strength?
Now understand me well—It is provided in the essence of things, that from any success, will come only further exhaustion of spirit, and passage into the West.

My call is the call of struggle—I nourish a hidden flight;
He going with me must go well conceal’d;
He going with me goes often with spare diet, no shoes, angry enemies, treachery.
6

Allons! the road is before us!
It is fearful—but I must take it—my hairy feet must walk its ways.

Allons! be not detain’d!
Let the ale remain on the table undrunk, and the fire in the hearth unlit!
Let the garden remain untended! let the dishes remain unwash’d!
Let the farm stand! mind not the cry of hobbits!
Let Saruman curse in his tower! let the wraiths pursue as they will, and Sauron rule from Mordor.

Sam! I give you my trust!
I keep only my ring, more precious than love,
I give you my life, before magic or time.
Will you give me yourself? will you come travel with me?
Shall we stick by each other til the ring is destroyed?

Rings of Grass

961

It…was 19 pages. Now it’s 32. Good crap.