If LotR Had Been Written By Someone Else!?

Cafe Society
,
1202

LoTR by S. Morganstern, the Good Parts Version by Bill Goldman

The original version was a long-winded commentary on long-windedness. So I’ve pared it down to the parts dealing with Revenge, Pirates, Poison and Swordfighting, so you can read it to your ADD grandson.

Frodo Baggins was the 5th least likely hobbit to toss the ring in the fireswamp. After the Dread Balrog killed his wise wizard friend (his last words to Gandalf being “As you wish”), Frodo was the 4th least likely hobbit to toss the ring in the fireswamp. After a vision of the plague of doom sweeping over Hobbiton (inconceivable!), Frodo was the 3rd least likely hobbit to toss the ring in the fireswamp. After becoming bound to Gollum (though he did not love him), oblivious to his treachery, Frodo was the 2nd least likely hobbit to toss the ring in the fireswamp. After his best friend Sam saves him from yet another death (by Spider poison) in the Pit of Despair, Frodo was THE least likely hobbit to toss the ring in the fireswamp. And remained so. And very few people lived happily ever after.

1203

All right, since you requested it:

The place that they had stopped was a small grove near the edge of the Shire. Oak trees stood all around, and a few beeches stood on the hill side. A copse of pines was visible at the west edge of the grove, with some strands of ivy starting to grow on the lower parts of the trunks. Frodo, Sam, and Gandalf sat around the fire.
Frodo considered carefully for a while. They needed to keep the One Ring of Power away from the Sauron. Also, Gandalf needed to speak with Sarumon, the leader of his order. But if Gandalf took the One Ring of Power, then the Nazgul would be able to sense it and would immediatley hunt him down. “There’s only one thing we can do,” Frodo said. “I’ll take the One Ring of Power to Rivendell, while you go talk to Saruman at Isengard.”
“That’s a good idea, Frodo,” Gandalf replied. “I’ll leave right away.”
“I’ll go with Frodo while he takes the ring to Rivendell,” Sam said.
“Ok,” Gandalf said, “and Frodo, let me give you one piece of advice. Sometimes, when you’re trying to get rid of a magic ring, it’s a good idea to let somebody bite your finger off and then have them plunge into a fiery chasm, rather than plunging in yourself.
“I’ll remember that,” Frodo replied.

[In the interests of having this thread keep its PG-13 rating, the scene where Saruman rapes and murders an nine-year-old boy has been ommitted. ]

Arwen lay beside Aragorn in their bed at Rivendell. Slowly, tentatively, she reached her hand up to feel his strong chest muscles. She knew that she shouldn’t let herself fall in love with him, that if she did, it would only lead to pain. But somehow, at this moment, that didn’t seem to matter.
Suddenly Aragorn reached up his hand and pushed her away. “Arwen,” he said, “for some reason I feel that we just shouldn’t do this.”
“Oh, Aragorn,” she replied. “I can’t hold back from telling you this any longer. I’m actually an Elf, and that means that I’m going to live forever. If the two of us fall in love, then I’ll have to watch you grow old and die, and I don’t know if I can face the pain of that.”
Aragorn frowned. “Arwen, I’m so sorry,” he said. “I’m just glad that you decided to tell me the truth.”
“Isn’t that what friends are for,” Arwen said.

[Eight-hundred pages of dialogue ommitted.]

“So,” Sauron said, “you thought that you would sneak throught Mordor and try to throw my ring into the fires of Mount Doom. Well the ring’s power of corruption is so strong that you won’t be able to do that. There’s no way that you can win this battle. I am about to achieve domination over all of Middle-Earth for all of eternity.”
Gandalf stared in disbelief. They had traveled this far only to see the ring fall into the hands of Sauron just at the very peak of Mount Doom.
Suddenly he saw movement out of the corner of his eye. Out of the shadows, Gollum appeared and lunged at Frodo. He bit Frodo, got hold of the ring, and then suddenly slipped and fell into the fire-filled chasm below. The ring was destroyed.
“Oh no!” Sauron yelled as the writhed in agony. “How could this have happened? Well, Frodo Baggins, you may think that you’ve gotten rid of me, but an even worse evil will return to avenge my death.” He plunged downward into the pit of fire.
“Frodo,” Gandalf said. “That was a brilliant idea for getting rid of the ring!”
“Gandalf,” Frodo said, “don’t you remember that day in the Shire when you told me that sometimes it’s better to let someone else bite your finger off when you’re trying to destroy a ring of power. Well, that’s exactly what I did.”
“Of course,” Gandalf said.

1204

Red Green:

“Today I’m gonna show you how to destroy a ring of power.Now what you wanna do is get yourself a nice solid pair of hiking boots,like I’m wearing right now,'cause you’re gonna need 'em climbing up and down Middle Earth,you know what I mean?All right,then,now to deal with those pesky Orcs,you’re gonna want to bring along a good sharp dagger or sword so you can run 'em through…and stay away from that Sauron guy,'cause he’s a couple pages short of a spellboook,if you get my drift.
OK,when you get to Mount Doom,and it’s time to toss the ring into the molten lava,what you should do is use a nice easy sidearm motion,because if you do what most guys do in this situation and throw overhand you’re gonna dislocate your shoulder something fierce,and that ain’t a good situation to be in,brother,let me tell ya…”

1205

Good stuff =) Thank you… Although I might have added that Rivendell was populated by sado-masochistic women in red leather and had Sauron reveal that he was actually Frodo’s father, but in all fairness the

pretty well sums it up =)

1206

I haven’t read through all the posts yet, but I just had to take a
crack at Roddenberry.

Gandalf’s Log Shire Time 4937.2

The Council has sent us on a mission of grave importance to Middle
Earth Security. We are carrying an artifcat of immeasurable power
not only into the Mordor Neutral Zone, but into the very Mountain
of Doom itself. I am concerned for the crew since for many of them,
this is their first adventure…

Gimli: Legolas, you pointy eared, half breed…

Legolas: I must point out Master dwarf that unlike Elrond Halfelven, I am not of mixed heritage.

Gimli: Spare me your superior Elven attitude, Legolas. What do you
hear with those things on the side of your head you call ears?

Gandalf: Gentleman, we have more serious problems to worry about in
the depths of Moria.

Baromir: Sir, I have a target…it’s too far to identify yet, but it
is moving this way.

Legolas: Sir, I can just make it out. It appears to be a Balrog.

Gimli: Damn.

Frodo: A Balrog! I thought that they had been wiped out before the
founding of the Middle Earth Federation.

Gandalf: Apparently not, Mr. Baggins. Battle Stations!

–Gene Roddenberry

1207

Now we move from the static to the interactive. I give you the Mad-Libs version of /The Hobbit./

Directions for anyone not familiar with Mad-Libs:

This requires more than one person: The Mad-Libber, and the Others.

The Mad-Libber scans through the story and asks the Others to fill in the blanks with the specified part of speech. DO NOT read the story to the Others at this time.

The only deviation from your regular Mad-Libs is that when an interactive word type is followed by a colon and a number, use the same word for subsequent occurences of that word type.

When all the blanks have been filled, the Mad-Libber reads the story to the Others, using the words they provided.

In a hole in the ground there ______ (pt verb) a ______ (race:1). Not a nasty, dirty _______ (Adj) hole, filled with the ends of _______ (pl. noun) and an oozy ______ (n), nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to ______ (v) on or to ______ (v): It was a (animal:1) hole, and that means comfort.

It had a perfectly _____ (adj) door like a porthole, painted _____ (color), with a shiny yellow brass knob in the exact middle. The door opened on to a tube-shaped tunnel: a very _____ (emotive adj) without smoke, with _____ (adj) walls, and floors tiled and carpeted, provided with ______ (adj) chairs, and lots and lots of ______ (pl. n) for ______ (pl. n) and ______ (pl. n) – the ______ (race:1) was fond of _____ (n). The tunnel wound on and on, going ______ (adv) but not quite ______ (adv) into the side of the hill – The Hill, as all the people for many ______ (pl. distance unit) round called it – and many little _____ (shape) doors opened out of it, first on one side and the on the other. No going upstairs for the ______ (race:1): bedrooms, bathrooms, ______ (room), pantries (lots of these), wardrobes (he had whole _____ (pl. n) devoted to clothes), kitchens, dining rooms, all were on the same floor, and indeed on the ______ (adj) passage. The best rooms were all on the ______ (direction) side, (going in), for these were the only ones to have windows looking over his _____ (n), and meadows beyond, sloping down to the ______ ®.
This _____ (race:1) was a very well-to-do _____ (race:1) and his name was Baggins. The Bagginses had lived in the _____ (geo. feature) of The Hill for time out of mind, and people considered them very _____ (adj), not only because most of them were very ______ (adj), but also because they nevery had any ______ (pl. n:1) or did anything unexpected: you could tell what a Baggins would ______ (v) on any given ______ (n) without the bother of asking him. This is the story of how Baggings had a _____ (pl. n:1), and found himself doing and saying things altogether ______ (adj). He may have lost his neighbors’ ______ (n), but he gained – you will see wether he gained ______ (n) in the end.

1208

Narrator: Somewhere in darkest Middle Earth…

Gangoon: My name is Neddy Gangoon! I am trying to lead my fellowship of weary questors into Mordor…

Smeagles: Hello?..

Gangoon: Shut-up Smeagles!

Smeagles: Shut-up Smeagles!

Frobottle: Enter Frobottle! (waits for applause - not a sausage…) I am
Frobottle, bearer of The Ring, carrier of Sting…

Gangoon: Frobottle! How are you? Here have a lambas!

Frobottle: No thanks, I’m trying to give them up.

Gangoon: (waves staff) Forward everyone - this way!

Frobottle: Ugh! Now look what you done! You tored my ear off - I only had it for the day!

Sauriarty: (aside) <evil snigger> Little do they know… <evil snigger>

Gangoon: (aside) Little does he know, how little I know, and if I knew the
little he knew, I’d know a little!

Balrog: <growwwwwwwwllllll!>

All: Argh!

FX: running feet, clanging of pots and pans, the sound of a soggy lembas
hitting someone on the head.

Narrator: The sounds you have just heard we those of our intrepid questors
trying to avoid a hurled soggy lambas… for the chicken noises, we can only apologise…

Gangoon: What, what, what, what, what, what???

Sauriarty: <evil sneer> What Gangoon? Only six watts? You’re a bit dim,
aren’t you?

Gangoon: It’s the dreaded Soggy Lambas Hurler! Run you fools!

FX: Gangoon slipping off a ledge…

Frobottle: He fallen in da water!

Apologies to Spike R. R. Tolkien, et al.

1209

There are three sides to every story: yours…mine…and Sauron’s. No one is lying. Facts that become legend that become myths serve each differently.

The Ring Stays In The Shire
Samwise Gamgee

April 12, 3018, of the Third Age

“Samwise, guess who’s coming to dinner.”

“Yeah?”

“Gandalf.”

“The Grey?”

“Yeah!”

“You sure it’s right?”

“It’s great! Why?”

“It ain’t no any ordinary dinner, Mister Frodo. That’s why. It’s about the boys-the organization. It’s a hot ticket.”

Was I hearing right? These words were coming from Frodo Baggins. The man whom the Hobbiton Times called one of the five most powerful hobbits in the Shire. For close to twenty years, Frodo was not only my melloq, but my god-brother and closest friend.

In the past year alone, two hobbit-hole visits from him saved my ass. Literally, to stop the heavy muscle from threatening not only my life, but my newly planted flowers as well. 

“Get the fuck outta town, will ya? We don’t want nothin’ to happen to your or your roses. Go to Bree or Rivendell if you wanna, but Hobbiton ain’t openin up for ya,” was the threat from Hobbiton’s families five.

One visit from Baggins, suddenly, threats turned to smiles and doors, once closed, opened with an embrace.

Perergin Took had signed to help Proudfoot with his hobbit-hole, and was unable to help me with garding duties. A second call from Baggins-Took became available. Why was he now giving me heat?

“C’mon, Sam. It’s a fuckin’ party. It’ll be a bash-the biggest opening of the Age!”

“Yeah, and he’ll make it bigger.”

“So what. It’s my coming out party. He wants to be there. What’s wrong with that?”

“Nothing and everything.” Silence. “How’s Rosie?”

“Fine.”

“Is that all you can tell me?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“Just asking. Did you fuck her yet?”

“No....”

He hung up.

I looked in the bed room. Rosie was still asleep. Or at least pretending to be.
1210

jasontag wrote

Frodo, Frodo Baggins
King of the Ring-Bearers!

Yeah, I recognize that song…I remember watching the movie when I was very young. This is the first time I’ve ever fit into an “is anyone old enough to remember…” category, though. I’m honored! :slight_smile:

1211

ARAGON: It was Christmas Eve, babe, in old Rivendell
Bilbo said to me, “Won’t see another one.”
And then he sang a song, “The Road Goes Ever On”
I turned my face away and dreamed about you

Got in a lucky Age, came in a ferocious rage
I got a feeling this year’s for me and you
So happy Christmas, I love ya baby
I can see a better age when all our dreams come true

AREWEN: They got steers big as bars, they got great rings of gold
But the Ringwraiths attack you-it’s no place for the old
When you first took my hand on a cold Christmas eve
You promised me Gondor was waiting for me

ARAGON: You were immortal

ARWEN: I could tell even then you were a king of men

BOTH: When the band finished playing they howled out for more
Gandalf was swingin’, the hobbits were singing
We kissed on a bridge and then I got Evenstar

The boys in the Rohan Riders were singing “Galway Bay”
And the white horns were ringing out for Christmas Day

ARWEN: You’re a man, you’re a coward

ARAGON: You won’t face the two towers
Walking to the Grey Havens with your silly black cloak

ARWEN: You scumbag, what danger?
You cheap lousy ranger
Happy Christmas my arse I pray God it’s our last

BOTH: The boys in the Rohan Riders still singing “Galway Bay”
And the white horns ringing out for Christmas Day

ARAGON: I coulda been someone

ARAWEN: And not just anyone
You took my dreams from me when I first found you

ARAGON: I kept them with me babe
I put them with your star
Can’t make it all alone
Look at Beren and Luthien

BOTH: The boys in the Rohan Riders still singing “Galway Bay”
And the white horns ringing out on Christmas Day

1212

Ck01967- I can’t believe there’s anyone else out there in the world who even watches Red Green, let alone has the expertise to write the parody. I bow to your talent, and congratulate your fine taste in television. =)

1213

Frodo Milligan stood up. Even standing he was shorter than the seated elves. He looked about at the men, dwarves, elves, and wizard desparately.

“Look, I would love to take the ring to Mordor. From the waist up I am keen to go. Only, I got these coward’s legs. See?”. He pulled up the legs of his trousers to reveal two thin, hairy legs like used pipecleaners.

“Aaargh! What are they?”

Your legs.

“And, who are you, mister?”

The author, Prof JRR Milligan.

“Did you write my legs? Well, you can’t be a professor in leg writing, 'cause these are crappy legs, mister. They are too short and they even got hairy toes. I got to walk to Mordor in these legs. I have got two more volumes of dis crappy book to walk through on these legs. That must be five hundred pages of walking at least, even if you take off appendix A to F in the last volume. They won’t stand that. What about Boromir: he’s got noble legs. Or Strider, eh? With a name like Strider, he’s bound to have thighs like tree-trunks.”

Aragorn stepped back as Frodo made a grab for Aragorn’s right trouser legs. Recovering his balance, Frodo turned the grab into a theatrical gesture. A slow look of low cunning crept into his eyes…

“Look. You authors got power over us see? If you can write my legs too short, you can write the journey too short too. You could just type ‘With one bound he was at Mount Doom’. Save me a lot of walking and you a lot of typing. Sound good to you, mister?”.

I am afraid I cannot do that. The dramatic imperative of the tale is entriely based on the hopeless journey into darkness.

“Well, to hell wid youse, mister, I’m not goin’, an’ dat’s final.”

Suddenly Frodo screamed and bent double, cross-eyed with pain as his testicles swelled and turned black. They surely would burst any second…

“Aaaagh, aaghh, no, not me cobblers, no, call it off, call it off, I’ll go, I’m going now, see?”. Still bent double, sweating and panting, Frodo Milligan gave a few agonized hops in the general directon of the door and the general direction of Mordor.

With one bound Frodo’s testicles went back to their normal size. Elrond stood up. “Well, that seems to wrap everything up nicely. If there is no other business?..”. He glanced down at his watch. “Meeting ajourned at 3.42: just in time for Popeye”, and he turned on the TV.

1214

FRODO:
The hobbit hole slams
Gandalf’s cloak waves
Like a wizard he hobbles across the Shire as the Gaffer plays
Meridoc singing for the lonely

GOLLUM: Hey that’s mine and I want it only
GANDALF:
Don’t turn me home again I just can’t face Sauron alone again
Don’t run back inside, dear boy you know that it’s not yours or mine
So you’re scared and you’re thinking that we can put it away for all time
Show a little faith, hobbits can surprise you
They ain’t Elves but they’ll have to do

GOLLUM
You can hide ‘neath the covers and study the Ring
Catch fishes for your dinner, run and hide from the Witch King
Waste your ages praying in vain
For a king to return from these streets

ARAGON:
Well, I’m a ranger, that’s understood
All the safety I can offer you is beneath this dirty hood
And a chance to make it good somehow

SAM
Mr. Frodo-what else can we do now?

FRODO
Except psych out some ringwraiths and let old Strider lead the path
With those tomatos cooking we will feel their wrath
We got one last chance to destroy the ring
To trade in these swords for Sting

ARWEN
Climb aboard Rivendell’s across the Ford

Oh, oh, come take my hand
We’re riding out tonight to reach Elrond’s land

ALL
Oh, oh, Rivendell, oh Rivendell, oh Rivendell

GANDALF
Lying under there like a killer in the sun

GIMLI
Sauraman tracks us-we can make it if we run
ALL
Oh, oh Lothloren, oh Lothlorian, Oh Lothlorian
Elf queen-noisy dwarf-Lothlorian

BOROMIR
Well I got this white horn and I know I can make it talk
Gondor’s besiged if you’re ready to take that long walk

GIMLI
From the river to razor sharp rocks

ARAGON (to Boromir)
Take the ring-you go home in a box

(to Arwen)
And I know you’re lonely for words I ain’t spoken
But tonight I must go with the sword that was broken

GALADRIEL:
And in this water I see all the boys Elrond sent across the sea
Let me haunt your eyes with a burned out future for you and me
They scream your name at night in the streets
The one ring lies at Sauron’s feet

FRODO
And while the battle rages on
I start to sail before dawn
But when Sam gets to the shore I’m gone
In the boat

SAM
Mr. Frodo, let me climb aboard
It’s a place full of losers-yet we’re going to Mordor

There’s a Wizard in a White Cloak living in Isengard
He’s got Urk-Hai running through his front yard
You know he thinks hes gonna rule with Sauron

And there’s a princess in Rivendell
Fallin’ in love with a mortal king
And he looks at her and says,
“Hey darlin’, you’re enough to keep me from deliverin’ this ring.”

Oh, but ain’t that the Third Age-you and me
Ain’t that the Third Age-Elves got someplace to be
Ain’t that the Third Age-Home of the Free
Little Green Hobbit Holes for you and me

Oh you and me…

Well there’s a hobbit named Pippin
Droppin’ skeletons in Balin’s tomb
He’s got curly hair and a sheepish smile
Gandalf says “Throw yourself in next time”

And this old dwarf tells the young elf
“Boy, a witch kid lives in these woods”
But just like everything else those crazy elves
Kinda coulda shot him in the dark

Oh but ain’t that the Third Age-you and me
Ain’t that the Third Age-Elves got someplace to be
Ain’t that the Third Age-Home of The Free
Little Green Hobbit Holes for you and me

Oh you and me…

Oh precious oh oh precious…

And there’s ringwraiths and more urak-hai
Whom do they ser-er-rve?
Run across country without sleep
And above all seek the One Ring to the Great River

Oh yeah

And there’s Gondor and there’s Rohan
But that ain’t no big deal
Cause the ranger man, baby
Gets the sword, the crown, and the elf babe too

Oh ain’t that the Third Age-you and me
Ain’t that the Third Age-Elves got someplace to be
Ain’t that the Third Age-Home of the Free
Little green Hobbit Holes for you and me…

1215

A dank basement. Rufus, a short african-american man, has fallen from the sky. He sits at a table with Dungeons and Dragons equipment. With him are Bethany, Jay, and Silent Bob. Silent Bob reads a comic book.

BETHANY: Now how about you start explaining some things to me.

RUFUS: Like what?

BETHANY: Like - for starters - who the hell are those kids that keep attacking me?

RUFUS: Nasty little bastards called the Ringwraiths. They’re not really related. When they were alive they were Kings of Men who were given Rings of Power. But Sauron decevied them, and now they walk the earth.

BETHANY: So they’re dead too?

RUFUS: You’d be surprised how many dead people are just walking around. Thing is, those kids are supposed to be in Mordor-what’s left of it, anyway. Which means that someone wants you out of the picture so badly they’re willing to summon Ringwraiths.

BETHANY: Is it those two midgets I’m supposed to stop?

RUFUS: Couldn’t be. They’re not evil - they’re just stupid.

JAY (to Bethany):Wait a minute - are you going to listen to this
shit? We don’t even know who this guy is. For all you know, he’s in with those fucks. They both showed up at the same time.

BETHANY: I hate to say it - but he does have a point. How did you know where to find us?

RUFUS: You know what the Elves do with most of their time? They watch the living. Especially in the shower.

BETHANY: And why are you watching me?

RUFUS: Because you’re the one who’s going to help me get some changes made in that book you all hold so much stock in.

JAY: The Monster Manual?

RUFUS: Tolkien.
_
BETHANY: What’s your beef with LOTR?

RUFUS: I’m not in it.

JAY: Neither are any of us, but you don’t hear us bitching.

RUFUS: But I’m supposed to be in it. I was the Tenth Member of the Fellowship.

BETHANY: I’ve been visiting TORN my whole life and I’ve never heard of a Tenth Member of the Fellowship.

RUFUS: See? You know all about the other nine members- white boys, I might add. But no mention of Rufus. And why? Cause I’m black. A black hobbit, no less. But that’s just my pet peeve. I mainly want to correct a major error that you people are basing an unhealthy obsession on.

BETHANY: What’s that?

RUFUS: Frodo wasn’t white; he was black.

JAY: Bullshit. I’ve seen that movie, plus all the Alan Lee/John Howe/Hildebrant drawings, and he has black hair and blue eyes.

RUFUS: That’s what’s particularly insulting. Between the time when Frodo left for the Undying Lands and Tolkien discovered the Red Book of Westmark, the powers-that-be decided that while the message ofthe War of the Ring was integral, the fact that the Ringbearer was black was a detriment. So all renderings were ordered to be Eurocentric, even though the brother was blacker than Sauron himself.

BETHANY: If that’s true, then why’d he get written about while you were left out?

RUFUS: Well, he is the Ringbearer, right? It’s kind of hard to have the Lord of the Rings without him. So you fudge a few facts and put a spin on his ethnicity. Leaving me out’s okay because there’s still nine Fellowshippers to choose from.

_

JAY: I don’t buy it.

RUFUS: That’s what the good people of Bree were saying when they stoned my ass.

BETHANY: You were murdered?

RUFUS: That’s one way of putting it. Another way is to say I was bludgeoned to shit by stale lembas. See - Aragon told us surviving ‘Shippers to go out into the world and spread Frodo’s story. Bree was already garnering a big following, so I got sent there. And was a big hit. They loved hearing about Frodo the Ringbearer and Samwise The Brave. But when I mentioned Frodo was black, the whole town turned on me - called me a liar and shit. I pressed the point, and before I know it, I’m wearing elf food - although not to accessorize.

BETHANY: Why didn’t you just let the point go when you saw how they were reacting?

RUFUS: Because it’s part of the facts. White folks only want to hear the good shit: Gollum/Smeagol, big spider, Helm’s Deep As soon as they hear they’re getting all this from a black Ringbearer, they freak. And that - my friends - is called Hypocrisy. Folks just can’t accept a black Savior.
(to Silent Bob)
You gonna read that ?

BETHANY: So you went to the Undying Lands?

RUFUS: Shit yeah; it was the least Elrond could do. I gave up my sheep and followed his ass around Mordor for months. And in all that time, did I ever get laid? Hell no! Gollum woulda gotten loose if I hadn’t been ther. Sam was too much of a pussy to keep that sucker on a leash, if you follow me. But I didn’t bitch, because I was into Frodo’s quest and the message behind it. And while the message is what counts, folks should know that he was black. That’s why I’m going to help you find stop those angels from getting to that church in exchange for you helping me with my campaign.

BETHANY: How do you know about that?

RUFUS: The Undying Lands are a pretty boring place, and anything that
breaks the tedium is news. The unmaking of existence is what you might consider a great tedium-breaker. Besides, there isn’t much I don’t know about you.

BETHANY: I find that hard to believe.

RUFUS: When you were thirteen you let a guy fuck you in exchange for a copy of Amazing Stories 15.
_
JAY: (shocked) You did that? (pause) First appearance of Spider-Man. Niiiiceee.

1216

That last one sucked. Big time. Sorry.

1217

Not as bad as my Jerry Springer one… We live and learn…

Anyway… I actually enjoyed it…

cheers

1218

I
“One Ring To Rule Them All…”
-J.R.R. Tolkien

While unwashed and unshaven geeks will contiune to fill entire chat rooms attempting to describe or deride it, “faithfulness” still remains the word most likely to stir a debate. In fact, this leading obsession-to validated or invalidate the reels and tapes-invaribly brings up a collateral and more general concern: whether or not, with the advent of the printed press, fact has passed into legend and into myth, thus forsaking its once unimpeachable hold on the truth. 
For the most part, skeptics call he whole effort a hoax but grudgingly admit *  The Quest for Mordor * is a hoax of exceptional quality....

* The Quest for Mordor * did not first appear as it does today. Nearly seven years ago, coinciding with the re-release of Peter Jackson’s 2000-2003 adaption of J.R.R. Tolkien’s novel to celebrate the film’s ten year anniversary, what surfaced was “The Red Book of Westmark”-a five and a half minute documentary barely exceeding the abilities of any NYU film school graduate. The problem, was, of course, the accompanying statement that it was all true.

In one continous shot, Navidson, whom we never actually see, momentarly focuses on the outside of Oxford’s English department, where Tolkien taught, before walking through the doors inside, where he trips on the doorstep, redirects the caamera from the ground to the long hallway, then moves right, walking back through the offices through a second doorway, then again, this time to the left. He pauses to focus momentarily again on a small doorway to the right, then opens the door and crawls through,the door, where we hear him grunt slightly, eliciting light laughter from those on his crew, presumably Karen, his brother Sam, and his friend Christopher Tolkien-before finally reaching at the foot of some dank stairs another doorway, thus taking us through a dark passage that would appear to enter into a basement, and so proving, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that pipes and water is the only possible thing that this doorway could lead to, which is when all laughter stops, as Navidson’s hand appears in the frame and pulls open the door, revealing a room filled with ancient parchment, prompting Navidson to re-investigate, tracing his steps up the stairs and outside Oxford’s English department, where nothing is noticable aside from bits of trash--in essence an exercise in disbelief which despite his best intentions take Navidsion back to that impossible room, until the camera begins to move closer, into the actual room and the table in the center. Karen snaps, “Don’t you dare go in there, Navy,” to which Sam adds, “Yeah, not a hot idea,” thus arresting Navidson just as he flips the cover of a book on the table open, though he still turns to the first page, finally retracting and inspecting it, as if by seeing alone there might be something more to feel, Tolkien wanting to know what the first page says, and Navidson providing the matter-of-fact answer that serves as the conclusion, however abrupt, to this bizzare short: “There and Back Again.”

Dissmeination of “The Red Book of Westmark” seemed driven by curiosity alone. No one ever officially distributied it and so it never appeared in film festivals or commercial film circles. Rather, VHS dubs of a home video revealing a truly bizarre room in Oxford with notably few details about the writers of the texts within or for that matter, the author of the piece....
1219

“…As you can see, our guest, Gimli, son of Gloin, attempted to destroy the One Ring with his axe. What do we need? MORE POWER!”

1220

Just because no-one else has done a Gumshoe version yet
It was a dark and stormy night. I was sitting in my dank tower, polishing my Glock magestaff while polishing off some rotgutt miruvor.

The name’s Saurumon. My employers call me Sauromon the Wise, my friends call me Sauromon the drunk, and my loan sharks call me frequently. So there I was, considering how best to unload this bottle and get myself loaded, when I get a call from a case. And with this guy, case is the best word - head case. People call me a Private eye, but this guy was the ultimate public eye. Anyways, this Sauron calls me and tells me he needs a ring found. He’d tried all sorts of things already - going through his nazgul flunkies, torture, everything he could think of to no end. He thinks that its time for something different. So he calls me. I act it up, tell him how its gonna cost him. Thing is, I got something he doesn’t. I got a guy on the inside.

1221

Thanks,Ali. :slight_smile: Now,check out this twist on a classic New York Post headline:

HANDLESS FINGER FOUND IN TOPLESS BAR