Some versions I’d like to see:
Tenessee Williams
David Halberstam
The Three Stooges (at some point, someone says to Gandalf “Ooh, wise guy, eh?”)
Barney (“I love you, you love me, we’re a happy fellowship, with a ring of power and a Balrog on our trail, won’t you say you love me too”)
Oh, yeah, and the T. Williams version should include the line “I’ve always depended on the kindness of Rangers.”
Great Cthulhu… A stoner hobbit with a needler & a hovercar… :eek:
the stuff here’s fantastic! here’s mine:
O Frodo! My Frodo! our fearful trip is done,
The Crack of Doom is close at hand, the end is almost won.
There’s fire there, too strong to bear, with lava hot and bubbling,
If Sauron’s ring is thrown within, his power will be broken;
But O heart! heart! heart!
O the bleeding drops of red!
Where in this lair my master lies,
Fallen cold and dead.
O Frodo! my Frodo! rise up, pursue your quest;
Rise up – for you all men await, on you does Man’s fate rest,
For you great Gondor’s army fights, for you brave men are dying.
For you’re the one that must destroy that cursed ring you’re bearing,
Hear master! dear Frodo,
This arm beneath your head!
It is some dream, by Shelob’s sting,
You’ve fallen, cold and dead.
My master does not answer. His lips are pale and still.
What shall I do? With Frodo gone I have no strength or will,
But Sauron’s ring must meet its end, I must go on alone,
And leave my master lying here, on grave of cruel stone.
Take hope, O Men of Middle-earth!
For I with mournful tread,
Walk the path my master lies,
Fallen, cold, and dead.
“O Frodo! My Frodo!” by Walt Whitman
C: There are some cases you forget the next day. And then there are others that haunt you the rest of your life. This was one. My name’s Baggem. Frodo Baggem. My friends call me Underhill. My enemies call too much.
C: It was a quiet day. I was just about to go down to the local to have a chat with my friends, “Jim” and “Jack”, when he walked in.
C: He had a long beard and a tiger. Standard equipment around these parts. But I knew from the look in his eye he was a wizard.
C: He had a story to tell, a story about rings of power and unspeakable evil. I had stories to tell too, about greedy landlords and clingy dames. But I told him the saddest story of all: $200 a day, plus expenses.
C: I knew I’d live to regret this case, if I lived. But you have to provide for your dependents. In my case, that’s the phone and electric companies.
C: I knew this case was big. The ring belonged to Soremom, and she’d be looking for it. I’d heard legends about Soremom, but the Wizard convinced me she was real. As real as the dagger I carry at my side.
C: The Wizard said the ring was powerful. Too powerful for someone with the smarts and strength of a Wizard. And if it was too powerful for him, it was too powerful for me.
C: Our only hope was to find someone too stupid and weak to be corrupted by the ring. And I knew just the person.
–
C: I took the wizard’s tiger for protection and headed down the street. Some days I was looking for love, other days I was looking for an honest man. But today I was looking for Suzadril.
C: If Suzadril was a joke, someone had a sick sense of humor. She had the brains of a lizard, and the looks to match. But she was perfect for this case.
C: I found her in her yard, playing with her bunny. She was the one with pointy ears.
[we see Suzadril in her yard, with Mr. Buns] I do NOT have pointy ears, Calvo!
C: Me and Suzadril had a love/hate relationship. She loved me, I hated her.
C: She’d been waiting for years for me to give her a ring. Today was her lucky day.
S: I wouldn’t take a ring from you if you were the last boy in the universe, you creep! And anyway, you probably stole that from your mother!
C: Something had overwhelmed her primitive lust for me. Strange as it seemed, she must have known something.
C: The tiger and me headed down the street. I needed a place to think.
C: But someone else must have had the same idea, judging from the footsteps behind us.
C: I ducked behind a handy tree, and grabbed him as he passed by.
[We see Calvin holding on to his naked, Gollum-like duplicate] Both: Aaauuuughhhh!
C: It was hard to get a coherent story out of the creature. But then it’s always hard to talk when someone’s arm is around your throat.
C: He told me his name. Sounded something like Callum. He said he knew a safe place to keep the ring.
C: Something about him made me trust him. The Tiger agreed.
H: “I’d trust him about as much as I’d trust you.”
C: The creature said he knew a secret way to the Cracks of Doom. Said that we could cast the ring there and destroy it.
C: We followed him, through dark alleys, past schools and other houses of ill repute.
C: And then I turned a corner and the creature was gone. I was about to run after him when I felt a pain in my shoulder, like the sting of a huge black spider. I had just enough time to glance at the hideous, ugly, drooling creature staring down at me before I passed out.
[We see Mrs. Wormwood from Calvo’s perspective, towering over us]: Calvo, are you all right?
C: My head woke up, but my body decided to stay in bed. Must’ve been the creature’s poison.
C: She was bending down over me, her drool burning new holes into my face. One look told me that this was the dreaded spider Wormlob.
C: I had to think quick, or I wouldn’t live to tell you about it. It’s at times like this that a tiger comes in handy.
C: [Standing up, to Mrs. Wormwood]: Um, I’m ok. I just, uh, dropped my tiger. Bye!
C [in his normal dress]: Whoo, that was a close call. I can’t believe that Callum double-crossed us like that!
H: I wonder where he came from. Maybe you accidentally duplicated yourself.
C: Well if that’s the case then the duplicator must’ve fused with the transmorgifier when I turned it upside down.
H: Why?
C: Are you kidding?!? That creature is nothing like me. He’s an evil, rotten, irresponsible jerk!
H [rolling eyes]: Ahem.
C: Besides, he smells bad.
H: Actually, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that.
C: Hobwise, Callum said something about the Cracks of Doom. I think I know what he was talking about. We need to get home.
H: What if your parents are there?
C: We’ll sneak in through the garage.
C [in empty garage]: The car’s gone! Mom and Dad must be out! Now’s our chance!
C: [walking into kitchen, sees babysitter sitting at table doing homework]: Rasuman!
R: Watch your step, shorty!
Coming soon: the shocking conclusion!
Someone mentioned doing a Tad Williams version… The only trouble there is that the Fellowship would never actually have met one another until about two thirds of the way through The Two Towers…
Dear Mr. Crebain:
We acknowledge receipt of your letter with respect to the apprehension of Mr. Baggins. Our representative attended the arraignment at Court in Minas Mordor, this morning, and has informed us that Mr. Baggins was not in attendance at said arraignment, nor was there any indication that he was still being remanded in custody at this time. Indications are that Mr. Baggins may have been released by local authorities. However, our inquiries as to the current status of this situation have been met with a complete lack of cooperation with the local constabulary. Will you please write to me and confirm the current status of this matter. Is Mr. Baggins still in custody or has he been released?
In the meantime, please be advised that, due to your client’s consistent threats and illicit pursuit of his person and the subject property, Mr. Baggins entered into a Fellowship Agreement with certain other parties, to the effect that, the terms of the agreement necessitated the delivery of Mr. Baggins of the said property into the common property of the Fellowship. As such, Mr. Baggins may not be in direct possession of the property at the present time. Nevertheless, such deposit of the property into the common property of the Fellowship does not represent a conveyance of ownership of the property, nor does it represent a transfer or otherwise assignment of ownership of the property, but merely a deposit of same into the Fellowship for purposes of security. We contend that Mr. Baggins continues to retain sole ownership of the property with the sole right to transfer and/or convey ownership of same at any time whatsoever.
Please be advised that, this morning we appeared before Superior Court of Justice at Rivendell, and filed an additional pleading (copy attached) to expedite their deliberations as to juris prudence with respect to the action referred to herein, and we are hopeful to have their Judgment within two weeks. As such, we have again filed a Notice of Postponement with the Court in Mordor to delay their judgment on this matter.
In the meantime, I shall be pleased to hear from you with respect to the current whereabouts of Mr. Baggins.
We thank you and remain,
Yours faithfully,
Dewey, Cheatem, & Howe LLP
Barristers and Solicitors
per:
I.M. Cheatem
MEMORANDUM
CONFIDENTIAL
ATTORNEY WORK PRODUCT
ATTORNEY-CLIENT PRIVILEGE
Ed:
Thank you for your summary notes of Grima Crebain’s Statement of Claim – it’s very useful to have someone else sift through this nonsense. It’s a ludicrous statement to be certain, especially given the clarity of the Statutes in this regard, specifically, however they are most keen to acquire the subject property.
As per our discussion, as soon as I have ascertained the current whereabouts of Mr. Baggins, I will suggest to Mr. Crebain that a settlement may be possible.
Unfortunately, it would appear that your Mother has been monitoring this file very closely, and has come to the unfortunate conclusion that we have a conflict of interest herein. Will you please write to her and let her know that your notes constitute a SUMMARY only, of the Crebain’s Statement of Claim, and do not, in any way, represent a conflict of interest on behalf of the firm?
Many thanks,
I.M. Cheatem
MEMORANDUM
CONFIDENTIAL
ATTORNEY WORK PRODUCT
ATTORNEY-CLIENT PRIVILEGE
Amanda:
I am in receipt of your memo to me and have asked Ed to write to you to clarify this matter further.
I asked Ed to review Crebain’s Statement of Claim, and it appears that his notes may, at worst, have been mistyped by his secretary or, more likely, were simply taken out of context.
In any event, I am entirely satisfied that the firm is NOT representing Mr. Sauron in any way whatsoever, and that there is no conflict of interest in this matter.
I am also informed that Mr. Baggins was, in fact, detained by the local authorities, however, it appears that he may have already been released. We are currently attempting to contact Mr. Crebain to ascertain the current status of this situation.
As you know, I strongly attempted to disuade Mr. Baggins from venturing near the borders of Mordor (see my attached correspondence), but it appears that he did not heed my advice. I can only hope that he is currently being well treated.
In the meantime, we are informed that subject property is currently being retained by the Fellowship, under the terms of the Fellowship Agreement, and that the said property has NOT been acquired by Mr. Sauron.
I will keep you informed of our progress in this matter.
Iain
FADE FROM BLACK: Int. of Barad-Dur - day
GOLLUM (chained in front of Sauron’s desk, facing the camera)
We beliveses in Mordor, don’t we my precious? Mordor made us what we are are today. We tried to keep the precious in the Mordor fashion. We gave it its freedom. If it slipped off our finger from time to time we did’t protest. But last year, while Smeagol was catching a nice juicy fish, along comes a fat nasty hobbit and steals the precious! Thief! Baggins! We hates it, we hates it forever!
[Gollum breaks down. Sauron motions to an orc, and the orc gives Gollum a drink.]
So we searches for it, but the nasty thief gets away, doesn’t he my precious? So we say to ourselves, “for justice, we must go to Don Sauron!”
SAURON (sitting behind his desk, idly petting a newly-hatched fell beast)
Why didn’t you come to me first? We’ve known each other many years, but this is the first time you came to me for counsel, for help. I can’t remember the last time that you invited me to your cave for a nice crunchable fish. But let’s be frank here: you never wanted my friendship. You were afraid to be in my debt.
GOLLUM
Poor Smeagol didn’t want to get into trouble.
SAURON
I understand. You found paradise under the Misty Mountain, had a good trade, found plenty of fish and grubs. You didn’t need a friend of me. But now you come to me and you say, “Don Sauron give me justice.” But you don’t ask with respect. You don’t offer friendship. You don’t even think to call me Ringfather.
GOLLUM (Kisses Sauron’s hand, being careful to avoid the stump.)
We will swear to do whatever he wants, yes, yess, Ringfather.
SAURON
Good. Some day, and that day may never come, I’ll call upon you to do a service for me. But until that day, accept this justice as my gift. And, uh, stay away from Mount Doom.
GOLLUM (as he’s led out of the room by orcs)
Grazie, Ringfather!
SAURON
Prego.
[then, to an orc, after Gollum has left]
Give this to, ah, the Nazgul. I want reliable people, people that aren’t gonna be carried away. I’m mean, we’re not murderers, despite of what this fish-eater says.
THE RINGFATHER
By Mario Tolkien and J.R.R. Coppola
(you ain’t nothing but a)
Ringbearer
You ain’t nothing but a ringbearer,
Whining all the time.
You ain’t nothing but a ringbearer,
Whining all the time.
You’ll never destroy The One Ring
You ain’t no Hobbit of mine.
You ain’t nothing but a ringbearer,
Whining all the time.
You ain’t nothing but a ringbearer,
Whining all the time.
You’ll never destroy The One Ring
You ain’t no Hobbit of mine.
[Repetitive verses ignored, you get the idea.]
(With apologies to Elvis (The King!), Jerry Leiber & Mike Stoller and anyone else.)
:eek:
This thread so far:
Over a quarter of a million views
1,232 replies
and counting
Is this a record?
:eek:
(I’m sure being linked to from slashdot.org helped!)
Its’ a Wonderful Ring - Frank Capra
Sauron- Frodo…sit down my boy.
Frodo - Well, I’m sure I’ll find out soon enough, but just what did you want to see me about?
Sauron - <chuckling>Frodo my boy, that’s what I’ve always liked about you. Frodo…I’m an ancient spirit and most creatures hate me. But I don’t like them either, so that makes it all even. You know I run practically everything in Middle Earth but the Shire. You must know that for a number of years I’ve tried to get control of it…or destroy it. But, I haven’t been able to do it. You keep stopping me…in fact, you have beaten me, which anyone East of Rivendell can tell you takes some doing. You have the Shire, I have all the rest.
**Frodo-**Most hobbits say you stole all the rest.
Sauron- The envious one say that Frodo…the SUCKERS! Now, I’ve stated my side quite frankly. Now, lets look at your side. A young hobbit, 55 -60, single and living in Bag End…saving maybe 40 gold pieces a week.
Frodo- Forty Five!!!
**Sauron-**Forty five…forty five. Out of which, after paying taxes, paying that fat gardener of yours, and supporting your uncle, your able to save 10, if you scrimp. If this hobbit was an ordinary, bushy footed hobbit I’d say he is doing allright. But Frodo Baggins isn’t an ordinary hobbit. He is a smart, hardworking being who hates the Shire almost as much as I do. A young hobbit who is trapped; trapped playing nurse maid to a bunch of Brandybucks. Do I paint a correct picture, or do I exaggerate?
Frodo- Well, what’s your point?
**Sauron-**My point? My point is I want to hire you.
Frodo- Hire me???
Sauron- Bear my ring…exert my will…share my evil dominion. Frodo, I’ll start you out with a Ring of Power…!!
**Frodo-**Ring of pow…ring of power?
Sauron- You wouldn’t mind lording over the Nazgul? Cracking the whip on legions of orcs? Trips to Gondor a couple of times a year? The lands in the West every now and then?
Frodo- Would I… You’re not talking to somebody else?? This is me, remember me? Frodo Baggins…
Sauron- Frodo Baggins…Frodo Baggins who’s ship has just com in…provided he has the brains to get aboard.
Frodo- Well, what about the shire?
Sauron- Confound it you pipeweed smoking moron! Are you afraid of success? I’m offering you an eternal contract, starting today!! Is this a deal or isn’t it?
Frodo- I know I should jump at the chance, but I wonder if I might have 24 hours to think it over?
Sauron- Sure…sure. You go on home and talk it over with you man servant. In the meantime I’ll get the ring sized. Ok Frodo?
Frodo- Ok Sauron.
Frodo stops…puzzled…looks at his hand …
Frodo- Wait a minute…no…no…I don’t have to talk to my man servant…I don’t need 24 hours. I know what the answer is…and its no. NO! Doggone it…You sit up here in this evil tower and you spin your little webs of world domination. You think the whole world revolves around you and your rings! But it doesn’t. In the whole vast configuration of things I’d say you were nothing more than a SCURVY LITTLE SPIDER!!!
Sauron- Ummm…no, that would be Shelob…though I wouldn’t describe her as little!
Beside the Pool Mirror,
Eudora Welty
“Now, Sammy Boy, honey, you need t’ mind you don’t jump to no fast conclusions regardin’ whatever it is you are seein’ in there,” said Galadriel, pulling the comb through the ends of her ironboard-straight hair. She widened her eyes to drive home the point.
“Easy for you d’ say, ma’am,” replied Sammy Boy, “but it’s not your gaffer that’s bein’ evicted from his own hobbit-hole by the stinkenest lookin’ derelicts a body ever did see. If you don’t mind my pointin’ out.”
“Not t’all, but you need to get it good into yer head, Sammy Boy, that whatcher seein’ might not come to pass at’all, but fer yore trampin’ on back home to try an’ stop it.” Galadriel crossed her arms and continued looking straight at Sammy Boy.
“How’zat?” Sammy Boy frowned, and shoved his hands into his back pockets. Galadriel unfolded her arms again and started another cycle with the comb, starting just above the pointed tips of her ears and working her way down to the ends.
“This here mirror ain’t always t’ be believed,” Galadriel answered. “Sometimes it’ll show you what’s gonna happen alright, but sometimes it’s only showin’ you what might happen.”
“Ah, see,” Sammy Boy muttered. He looked troubled but then a grin appeared on his face.
“How’d you an’ Celeborn meet?” he asked.
“Me an’ Celeborn? Well, that’s a long old story, Sammy Boy. We been married alot o’ years. I’d say it’s a mite too late in the evenin’ to tell that one now. You gotta get on t’ bed, you all got a big day tomorrow, and sunup’ll be comin’ on awfully fast…”
There was a pause. But Sammy Boy wasn’t yet ready to give up.
“How 'bout just the first time you saw 'eem?” Sammy Boy pressed.
“Well, alright,” she smiled, initiating yet another comb cycle. “I was relatively new to Middle-Earth then and I’d been stayin’ with my brother, ‘cause you know, a young impressionable lady in a new place should stay in sight of her own kin. But one summer I went off to visit ol’ King Thingol.” She lowered her eyes and smiled again, and pulled the comb through the ends of her hair.
“What was you doin’ visitin’ this King Thingol?” Sammy Boy asked, taking advantage of Galadriel’s pause.
“Now don’t be interruptin’ me, Sammy Boy,” said Galadriel, “there ain’t time for it, I told you. The important part is, I was strollin’ all about those jeweled hallways that the dwarves helped ‘em make, and they was the prettiest halls you could ever see. And one of the court ladies come up to me an’ said, ‘hey, you know he’s lookin’ at you?’ And I turns around an’ sees the handsomest hunk o’ elfcake I ever laid eyes on, even in mah dreams. He was pretty, like a elf-maid, but strong. An’ deep. And ah knew that instant, an’ so did he. My brother was none too happy about it at first, but nyther he nor my Daddy, if he’d come all the ways from Valinor, coulda possibly stopped it. 'Cause that’s how love is, Sammy Boy.”
“Yes’m, I reckon that is,” said Sammy Boy, and he started to walk away from the pool and Galadriel.
“Hey, just one more thing,” Sammy Boy called back to Galadriel. She sighed.
“What is it now, Sammy Boy?”
“If your ol’ Thingol was such a great king, how come he ain’t around no more?”
MEMORANDUM
Iain:
Thank you for your memo today. It relieved my mind greatly to learn that Edwin is not in fact representing Mr. Sauron, and I believe my blood pressure may yet return to something resembling normal. This firm has never had such a conflict of interest, and I do not think we want to start now.
Please investigate further whether there was some sort of secretarial mishap, and forward your conclusions to me and to Human Resources, if a replacement is needed.
In the meantime, do try to locate Mr. Baggins. While this litigation is hardly likely to be financially advantageous for the firm, still, the Baggins family have been long-standing clients of the firm, since nearly the firm’s inception.
I myself have maintained an extremely close relationship with the elder Mr. Baggins, our current client’s uncle, since I was a young associate, and I would hate to have to tell him that we have lost his nephew to the whims of the Mordor state police.
Yrs.,
Amanda
I didn’t see this one, soooo…
Ooooooohhhhh,
Let me tell ya the story of a shiny ring
A Dark Lord did want it more than any other thing
So Gandalf said to Frodo, "Hobbit, y’all gotta go
That evil little ring into a volcano
Mount Doom that is,
The forge,
A hot place.
– Theme from “The Middle-Earth Hillbillies”
Nazguls…evil eyes…
Y’all come back now, y’here?
Honestly, I would have expected people to pick up on this writer immediately 
"The Lord Of The Rings" by William Golding
Honestly, I would have expected people to pick up on this writer immediately
"The Lord Of The Rings" by William Golding