Well the next thing you know the Nazgul were quite near
Frodo said “Lets get away from here!”
“Buckleberry Ferry is the place we need to be!”
So he grabbed his hobbit friends
And the four began to flee
Make tracks that is
Fast retreat
Law & Order
Interior shot–Police interrogation room.We see Briscoe and Green staring down Gollum across a table.
**Green:**Mind explaining why you cut Detective Baggins’ finger off during the arrest?
**Gollum:**He hasss my preciousss.It’s ours,it is,and we wants it.
**Briscoe:**Yeah,well,things are tough all over,pal.Now what’s the big deal with this ring you keep yammering about?
**Gollum:**Iss a birthday present for my preciousss.Hobbitses stole it…(pounds table)We hates them!
**Green:**Wait a second…you accusing Detective Baggins of theft?You’d better be able to back it up,Mr.Smeagol…
(Lt.Van Buren comes in)
**Van Buren:**Guys,I think I know why Mr.Smeagol’s so worked up about that ring.I just talked to the lab,and that little ring of his is packing some serious heat.We put it under the microscope,and it almost melted the lens.
**Briscoe:**So I’m guessing he didn’t find it in a box of Cracker Jacks,then.
NASA TV
F: Houston
H: go ahead Frodo
F: we’re looking at a nominal window for Trans-Mordor-Insertion for 30 or 40 seconds
H: copy that, standby
[static]
H: Frodo, the Bill and the engineers here concur with your TMI plan
[static]
F: uh, Houston, we [garbled]
H: say again Frodo
F: just lookin’ at the video on cam-3 and the probability projections, we’re gonna take a pass on TMI-one and go for the alternate route
H: roger, we copy that Frodo, go pass on TMI-one and go for the alternate route
[static]
I stood quietly, surveying the rolling, sickly-green ward of the shire for what seemed an eternity, but the pain in my left foot brought me back quickly to my senses. Stay on track!, I told myself again for the three-hundredth time that day. The journey’s end is near!, and laughed aloud in spite of my dour mood and the seriousness of my mission. Yeah, my mission–the joke was bitter and brought no satifaction to my dying soul. Moving once again, I startled rather than started down the narrow path towards my destination, barely preventing myself from a complete collapse with my staff. My left foot howled in a futile protest of pain at this renewed attempt at locomotion. Damn it! Damn it! If I had more time I would re-body myself, but the star positions had told me it may already be too late, too late for all and, besides, I didn’t have enough mana left to make the change.
As I stumbled forward with what little strength still remained, a universe of conflicting emotions collided within me,–seeking and rejecting, searching and abandoning–for the one true doorway of this shire that would finally, ultimately bring me closer to the peace that was so desperately desired. An end, yes, an End to this constant wheel of pain and suffering, this cycle of birth and rebirth. Where is that damn doorway? The One that will become the Exit?
I lost myself in the search, silenced the pain in my foot, hardened myself to the task at hand, even as the weakness I felt within me grow greater like a demon seed, usurping control. Finally, I stood before the diminuative door I sought. Except for my labored breathing, silence folded itself around me once again, my body and spirit coming to rest before this door, the door. My goal was within–I could sense it with every fibre of my being. I hoisted my staff and rapped sharply on the door. A long pause, more silence and I was just beginning to wonder if I had, impossibly, chosen the wrong door, but the latch slowly turned and the door opened, slightly. A young hobbit peered cautiously around the edge of the door, and I felt all my misgivings and tiredness melt away as I looked down and recognized him.
“Frodo!” I exhaled rather than spoke, a smile beginning to form on my parched lips. “At last…!”
“Yes?” said the hobbit. “Do I know you? Is that you, Gandolf?” and his eyes grew large with fright as he regarded my enormous person.
“Not really,” I answered and with one swift, smooth action I wedged my staff between the door and its jamb, thrust in my other arm to grab him and then shoved him down my throat.
I laid down as best I could on the tiny porch and waited. I didn’t have to wait long. Ah, that hunger and yearning were finally beginning to fade. The searching is over, the wheel has been stopped, the Exit is at hand, because, you see, hobbits are toxic.
“Lord, Make It Stop” -Spider Robinson
I don’t seem to have enough talent to do much, but some meager submissions:
The Doors:
Orcs:
“You know that Sauron rules the night
though the Men, they fight by day
they tried to run
tried to hide
but we’ll break on through to the helm’s deep side
break on through to the helm’s deep side
break on through to the helm’s deep side, yeah”
Gollum:
“We chased our precious here
Dug our treasures there
Well the master’s nice,
but does Samwise care?
Break on through to Shelob’s Lair
Break on through to Shelob’s Lair”
Or Sweeney Todd:
(Sam, to Frodo)
Nothin’s gonna harm you, not while I’m around!
Nothin’s gonna harm you, Master,
Not while I’m around!
Gollum is prowling everywhere, he’s got hope,
that he’ll get your ring, I don’t care,
I’ve got rope!
Orcs are gonna hurt you, orcs are gonna dare!
Steal your mithril shirt, true, but don’t worry, sing and
I’ll be there!
Smeagol will charm you with a smile, for a while,
But in time, nothin’ can harm you,
Not while I’m around!
Or William Blake:
(Arwen)
HEAR the voice of the Elf,
Who will not sail across the seas;
Whose ears have heard
The Mortal Word
That walk’d among the Lorien trees;
Calling the elfstone’s soul,
And weeping in the evening dew;
For Elessar’s throne
Yet sits alone,
From fallen, fallen Men untrue!
'O Aragon, return!
Arise from Cirith Ungol’s pass!
Mount Doom churns,
Sauron burns
And Isengard’s a slumbrous mass.
‘Turn away no more;
Why wilt thou turn away?
Isildur’s bane,
Is gone; thy reign,
Is given thee till thy dying day.’
Keeping Up Appearances
“Richard,who is that dreadful little pale man skulking about our rose bushes and why does he keep talking about jewelry?”
“I think he said his name was Gollum,Hyacinth.The ring’s supposed to be some sort of family heirloom…”
“Well,tell him to come back later!Mrs.Barker-Finch will be here any minute!”
Swifties are needed here, I think.
On the twelfth age of Middle Earth, the Dark Lord sent to me:
Twelve orcs a-slicing,
Eleven elfs a-shooting,
Ten dwarves a-chopping,
Nine wraiths a-shrieking,
Eight ents a-stomping,
Seven wizards duelling,
Six rangers bonking,
Five gold rings!
Four hairy hobbits,
Three Balrogs,
Two (schizo) Gollums,
And some “precious” package, COD.
I stood quietly, surveying the rolling, sickly-green ward of the shire for what seemed an eternity, but the pain in my left foot brought me back quickly to my senses. Stay on track!, I told myself again for the three-hundredth time that day. The journey’s end is near!, and laughed aloud in spite of my dour mood and the seriousness of my mission. Yeah, my mission–the joke was bitter and brought no satifaction to my dying soul. Moving once again, I startled rather than started down the narrow path towards my destination, barely preventing myself from a complete collapse with my staff. My left foot howled in a futile protest of pain at this renewed attempt at locomotion. Damn it! Damn it! If I had more time I would re-body myself, but the star positions had told me it may already be too late, too late for all and, besides, I didn’t have enough mana left to make the change.
As I stumbled forward with what little strength still remained, a universe of conflicting emotions collided within me,–seeking and rejecting, searching and abandoning–for the one true doorway of this shire that would finally, ultimately bring me closer to the peace that was so desperately desired. An end, yes, an End to this constant wheel of pain and suffering, this cycle of birth and rebirth. Where is that damn doorway? The One that will become the Exit?
I lost myself in the search, silenced the pain in my foot, hardened myself to the task at hand, even as the weakness I felt within me grow greater like a demon seed, usurping control. Finally, I stood before the diminuative door I sought. Except for my labored breathing, silence folded itself around me once again, my body and spirit coming to rest before this door, the door. My goal was within–I could sense it with every fibre of my being. I hoisted my staff and rapped sharply on the door. A long pause, more silence and I was just beginning to wonder if I had, impossibly, chosen the wrong door, but the latch slowly turned and the door opened, slightly. A young hobbit peered cautiously around the edge of the door, and I felt all my misgivings and tiredness melt away as I looked down and recognized him.
“Frodo!” I exhaled rather than spoke, a smile beginning to form on my parched lips. “At last…!”
“Yes?” said the hobbit. “Do I know you? Is that you, Gandolf?” and his eyes grew large with fright as he regarded my enormous person.
“Not really,” I answered and with one swift, smooth action I wedged my staff between the door and its jamb, thrust in my other arm to grab him and then shoved him down my throat.
I laid down as best I could on the tiny porch and waited. I didn’t have to wait long. Ah, that hunger and yearning were finally beginning to fade. The searching is over, the wheel has been stopped, the Exit is at hand, because, you see, hobbits are toxic.
“Lord, Make It Stop” -Spider Robinson
Ethical perspectives…
KANTIAN–
Gollum’s saving Middle-Earth reflects no moral initiative on the creature’s part; his biting Frodo’s finger to obtain the ring for himself was a wholly self-serving act. And as one should never employ another solely as a means to his own end, our alleged protagonist Frodo fares no higher on the moral scorecard; he indulges Gollum only for the latter’s usefulness to his own purpose.
The moral being should only act in such a way as he/she could reasonably promote to become universal law. Thus, however incidentally desirable the ends brought about by their acts of selfishness, we should by no means laud the examples of either Gollum or Frodo lest we celebrate self-interest as a priori.
RAWLSIAN–
At first glance, the Council of Elrond would seem to provide an excellent model for the organization of a just society. It comprises representatives from all interested races and regions. And it results in the drafting of some very practical First Principles:
a) the big problems facing society should not be left for later generations to solve, but should be met head on. In this case, the seductive option of hiding the ring with Tom Bombadil was bravely dismissed in favor of an immediate and permanent solution. Namely that,
b) the One Ring of the Dark Lord should be destroyed, being an otherwise inescapable, imminent, and absolute threat to all citizens.
c) He who speaks loudest, i.e. Boromir, does not speak last.
Nevertheless, the Council of Elrond has made no attempt to adopt for its members the Veil of Ignorance necessary for unbiased and truly democratic decision-making. As it happened, with all parties seated at a roundtable in full view of one another, the Council was highly susceptible to the considerable peer pressure exerted by the intimidating presences of a Wizard and, especially, the lord of the manor himself.
Therefore, while clearly a sentimental favorite, the Council of Elrond does not provide us with a legitimate model of government for a just society.
Someone do a John Irving. Haven’t seen one of those. I’d attempt it myself, but I would fall back into my taking whole passages and adapting them. I don’t have this thing quite down.
And I like it here…
If LotR were a graduate school success manual…
This probably won’t be amusing to anyone else, but those in grad school might find it funny…
Doing What You Set Out to Do: The Smart Hobbit’s Guide to Bearing a Ring of Power, by Frodo L. Baggins, Ph.D. in Ringbearing
Chapter One: This Book Can Help (and You Probably Need It!)
When I was bearing my ring of power in Middle Earth during the late Third Age, I did almost everything wrong. It took me almost a year to finish my quest, and by the time I finished I never wanted to bear a ring again. I had problem companions and a problem ring, and I eventually ran out of lembas bread. I spent the last month exhausted, bearing my ring up the rocky slope of Mount Doom, while trying not to give myself away to Sauron, the Nazgul, or the orcs - not my idea of a great adventure. The bottom line is that all my ringbearing could have been completed in three months if I had known what I was doing…
…Ringbearers run into problems because they do not understand how ringbearing works; nor do most wizards and elves provide enough realistic guidance. Therefore, ringbearers charge off in the wrong direction or in no direction at all.
This book tells you what ringbearing is really like. Instead of just telling you what you have to do, reminding you not to wear your ring, or telling you to check with your wizard if you have no idea what you are doing, I tell you how to create a comprehensive strategy that will ensure your hard work pays off with the destruction of the Enemy and your very own story about your quest…
Chapter Three: Do You Need To Go?
If you decide to become a ringbearer, don’t do it because you don’t know what else to do. Ringbearing, particularly bearing the One Ring, demands much more of you than just wearing a pretty trinket. The ring is heavy, costs are high, and the chances of success are uncertain. Your fellowship friends will be gone, and the environment will probably be neither as hospitable nor as safe as when you were in the Shire. Particularly for bearing the One Ring, the solitary nature of the work makes most ringbearers feel isolated. As one elf queen once said, “To bear a ring of power is to be alone.”
Therefore, in deciding whether to go, be realistic. Weigh the costs, both in physical health and in time, against the benefits. Even a two month ringbearing job can make you substantially ill and place you in more danger than you ever dreamed possible…
Chapter Five: Choosing a Fellowship
Most ringbearers leave their decision about who goes with them on their quest to some imperious elf. Once embarked, they find out that their companions might not be as trustworthy as they originally thought. If you are a would-be ringbearer, this is the wrong approach. Because your companions will have such a tremendous influence on whether you complete your quest and destroy the Dark Lord, you should identify and contact potential fellowship members before you volunteer to bear the ring, and then determine whether they’re going to be tempted to steal your ring and ruin your quest…
The ideal fellowship would advise you from your first tentative steps toward Mordor, help you hide from potential dangers, or even fight them off for you, help you navigate your way through Middle Earth, cook your food, and even carry you when you’re too tired to go on. They would give you moral support, champion you against your enemies, help you get into Mordor, let you yell at them when you’re overcome by the ring, cheer for you as you toss the ring into the volcano, and pull the strings necessary to get you out of Mordor before you are killed…
If you get a bad fellowship member, he or she may actively try to prevent you from succeeding. Even a nice person may believe that his or her duty lies in taking the ring and trying to use it for their own purposes, and he or she may honestly believe that you will ultimately try to claim the ring yourself.
Problems with fellowship members run the gamut, from idiocy that nearly gets you killed to quest sabotage…You can change fellowship members, but this might be costly in terms of time. Therefore, it is much wiser to avoid such troubles ahead of time by thoroughly investigating any fellowship member you are considering…
I could go on and on…but I’ll stop for now… This thread has been so much fun, but a VERY bad way of procrastinating!
I am doomed to remember a hobbit with a golden ring-not because of the ring, or because he was the smallest person I ever knew, or even because he was the Ringbearer of the Fellowship, but because he is the reason I returned to the throne; I am king because of Frodo Baggins.
-Aragon Irving, * A Throne for Frodo Baggins *
Now I KNOW you’re in grad school!
Exerpt from the Anglo Saxon Epic Poem “Frodo”, in a New and Tenure-Deserving Translation
Lo, we have heard of Halflings
hombodies, of healthy appetite
and of Bilbo Baggins,
brave dragon bait, bauble-bringer.
He of home waxed weary,
world-wanting.
Prepared a mighty party,
packed possesions privately.
Invited great Gandalf,
gray wizard , lore-gatherer*.
Then amazed all,
activating ancient powers.
Disappearing completely,
duping drunken relatives.
That was a heck of a hobbit!..
*This word is, of course, badly smudged in the Baird Codex, due to the tragic destruction by flaming mudslide of the private library of M. Euslass. The translater has chosen to discard the usual supposition of “igli” or “hedgehog” as offered by the esteemed Dr. Dustimov in his well-respected essay “The ‘Frodo’ Poet’s Hedgehog Imagery: I Have Tenure and You Don’t”. Instead, the translator favors the more sensible offering of Professor Prattimer, who suggests “lore-gatherer” in his groundbreaking essay “Are You All Idiots?”.
-C.W.
Brilliance!
Overhead on the slopes of Mt. Doom.
“Do ya think we can play it again, Sam?”
By Samuel Richardson (Hope no-one has done this one yet):
Then says Squire Wormtongue, Now, my pretty saucebox, (snatching up my hand), what d’ye say to that?
Thinks I, what can I, what shall I say? O my poor papa, if only you were able to advise your poor, poor Eowyn, instead of brainwashed by ringwraiths!
Squire Wormtongue, says I, indeed, I wish not you nor any man harm…
Speak plainly, minx! So you wish not any man harm, do you? But you say not that you wish no orc harm, nor no wringwraith–ay, I know your chop-logic, Miss!
But indeed, Squire, when 'tis you who wish harm to my Virtue–
Virtue be d----d! cries he, gritting his teeth–what is left of them. And indeed, my dear Theodentine, is’t not strange what poor dental hygiene these fellows have? I have but late seen better teeth on Master Gimli, who opens bottles (and occasionally porticullises) with his teeth), and who belike flosses no more often than he shaves!
But I hear strange slithering noises in my Closet, and so must leave off…
Your most Unhappy
Eowyn
The following is a lot closer to what I do all day–high-tech news releases. My clients LOVE buzzwords!!! 
Respectfully submitted,
KathleenTheCritic
NEWS RELEASE – FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Contact:
Grima the Wormtongue
Public Relations Counsel
Sauron Domination Solutions, Inc.
Sauron Domination Solutions, Inc. announces New Product Launch
TheOneRing Ring of Power expected to dominate evil marketplace
Leveraging over 3,000 years of experience with the Black Arts, Sauron Domination Solutions, Inc., today announced a strategic alliance with Nazgul Partners, LLC, to launch TheOneRing™ Ring of Power.
Architected to provide cost-efficient pan-racial subjugation, TheOneRing™ Ring of Power will offer its bearer unmatched capabilities to remotely control minds and wills across the entire Middle Earth marketplace. Forged from the ground up with state-of-the-art, proprietary technology, TheOneRing promises to…
<sum> Rule them all
<sum> Find them
<sum> Bring them all
<sum> In the darkness, bind them
…all from its convenient, self-contained base station in the land of Mordor, where shadows lie. No longer must the forces of evil be limited to an on-site presence in order to control subjugated populations!
Customers leveraging TheOneRing Ring of Power platform can expect to seamlessly integrate real-time domination over the Free Peoples of Middle Earth with just-in-time efficiencies in the Orc supply chain to create—for the first time this Age—true enterprise-wide control.
“Golugz u bagronk sha pushdug!” noted Sauron Domination Solutions’ president and CEO, Sauron.
Certain statements in this news release may constitute “forward-looking statements” within the meaning of the Middle-Earth Private Securities Act. Forward-looking statements may be identified by the use of words such as “anticipates,” “believes,” “estimates,” “expects,” “intends,” “plans,” “will,” etc.
Actual outcomes and results may differ materially from the forward-looking statements expressed in this release and while Sauron Domination Solutions may choose to update forward-looking statements in the future, We specifically disclaim any obligation to do so. Past performance and forward-looking statements are not indicative of future performance. Various factors and uncertainties that may affect anticipated results expressed or implied by these forward-looking statements include a downturn in Our customers’ markets or in general economic conditions; governmental regulation; infiltration of Our business units by Elvish spies; betrayal by Our minions or subsidiaries; identification of and proof of life of a verified Heir of Isildur; and other factors beyond Our control. These and other important factors are addressed in detail in Amendment No. 2 to our Registration Statement on Form S-4, filed during the First Age with the Middle-Earth Securities and Exchange Commission, under the captions “Risk Factors—Risks Relating to product launch of TheOneRing,” which discussion is expressly incorporated by reference in this press release.
#
Police officer responding to the scene on an episode of cops:
"When I arrived there was a clear appearance of a struggle: Two midgets, who claimed to be hobbits, and several sets of foot prints that must have been a third party. When questioned on how the one hobbit, "Frodo", had sustained a injury to his left hand, he responded nonsenseically. The other hobbit, "Sam", mentioned that the fight was over a ring and a the third missing person had bit Frodo's finger off and fell into the chasm. A little further questioning of the uninjured hobbit cleared things up a bit: with the mention of the local alternatives bar The Prancing Pony, a suggestion of several nights sleeping together on some sort of a hike, and an apparent dislike between Sam and the missing individual Smeagol, the events preceedeing the injury and possible homicide seemed along the lines of a lovers quarrel.
I proceeded to pepper spray Sam after he attempted to prevent me from searching Frodo. With some persuasion with my night stick, I managed to subdue the rowdy man. I discovered weapons on both, and decided that is was best that they be locked up untill the whole mess was sorted out. I searched for the other man, who must have fallen down the cliff into the volcano, but found nothing, nor any sign of a ring. I guess rings do have special powers over the hearts of men, especially when it’s between lovers— even short ones."
“It’s tough seeing things like that, but it’s all just a part of the job. I just hope that those two learned a lesson. It’s too bad, because I know I’ll see them back out on the streets , probably in the prostitution racket or on a Domestic call.”