Who wants to do a Soldier of Fortune version?
Gad, this is addictive. I can’t believe no one had done this one yet. (If someone has and I missed it, my apologies…)
Excerpted from Doc Strider: Ranger of Bronze - The Czar of the Rings with apologies to Kenneth Robeson/Lester Dent
It was dark in Rivendell, and only occasionally did the faint light of the moon break through the clouds to illuminate the shadows which lay across the elven city.
One of the shadows seemed to move and detach itself from the others. It moved quickly across a small opening, then gestured. Two other shadows slipped furtively across the opening behind it. One of the occasional glimmers of moonlight appeared and briefly dispelled the shadows, revealing three orcs. The orcs, their short swords at the ready, ducked under the cover of a building and waited for the light to pass.
“I ain’t likin’ this!” hissed one of the orcs, the youngest. “Nobody said nuthin’ about infiltratin’ an elven city!”
“Shut up!” said the leader of the small band. “We’s got a job to do and we’s gonna do it!”
“Do you know what the elves will do to us if we gets caught?” the first began again. “I ain’t likin’ this!”
“Do you know what the boss will do if we don’t succeed?” hissed the larger orc back. “Or, maybe you’d rather face the Eye.”
“The Eye!” exclaimed the orc. “No! No!”
“Then shaddup and do your job.” The moonlight had vanished again and the lead orc slipped off without another word. The second orc turned and gave his partner a disgusted glance then followed.
“I’m just sayin’ I ain’t likin’ this.” said the small orc, to no one in particular. He started to follow his two companions, then stopped. He suddenly heard a strange sound, a strange trilling sound, which had appeared on the slight breeze. The sound unnerved him, as it seemed to come from everywhere at once. With a gulp, he darted forward to catch up with his companions.
Almost immediately he stumbled and nearly fell over something soft lying on the ground in the shadows. Another pale glimmer of moonlight appeared and he gasped in surprise to see one of his companions lying unconscious before him. Glancing about, he saw the leader crumpled just a few steps away.
This was too much for the young orc. He turned to run, then froze with a scream. A man, seemingly the size of a giant, stood before him in the moonlight, reflecting with an almost metallic gleam from its skin. A massive arm reached out with a speed almost too great to follow and grasped the orc’s arm with what felt like a vice of steel.
The orc screamed again and swung with its sword. The man’s other arm reached and intercepted the swing, grapping his wrist. For a moment the two struggled. Then, the man tensed his muscles. The fabric of his tunic ripped, revealing corded muscles under perfect skin, tanned by long exposure to the sun to an even bronze hue. A flick of his wrist caused the orc to scream a third time, as his sword flew from his useless hand, before a massive blow to his jaw dropped him unconscious beside his two companions.
The bronze man stood and looked around. He was the man known as Aragorn, son of Arathorn. But, to the public he was known as Doc Strider, the Ranger of Bronze!
LOTR T-shirt from Soldier of Fortune magazine:
VISIT MORDOR
Help A Ringwraith Meet Sauron
LOTR by Bob Clampett, Friz Freleng, Robert McKimson and Chuck Jones, with vocal characterizations by Mel Blanc.
[At the Council of Elrond]
Elrond: Who shal be selected to journey to Mount Doom to destroy the ring?
Boromir (dollar signs in his eyes): Ring? Is it silver? Gold? How many diamonds?
Frodo: Alright I’ll take it. Sheesh, what’s all the hubbub?
Gimli: I’m a-goin’ too! We need somebody to keep an eye one the long-eared varmints.
Legolas: Buh-bee-a buh-bee-a buh-bee-a buh-bee-a buh-bee-a buh-bee-a…
Elrond: Oh alright! You can go too, Legolas.
Aragorn: That ring AH SAY that ring has been more trouble than a chicken hawk in a hen house.
Samwise: I’m going with Fwodo. I’ll be veeeewy veeeewy quiet. He-he-he-he-he-he-he
(Cut to the glades of Amon Hen)
Boromir (to Frodo): Listen you long-eared furry-footed excuse for a ring-bearer! I want that ring and I want it NOW.
Frodo: (Arms folded) No. I refuse to give you anything until you apologize for calling me long-eared.
Boromir: Youuuuu’re dethhhhh-picable!
(Orcs approach)
Boromir: Quick Hobbits, you must escape while I keep the Orcs at bay!
Boromir (to Orcs): Yoinks, and awaaaaay!
(Boromir gets an arrow in the chest)
Boromir: Yoinks, and awaaay!
(Boromir gets another arrow in the chest)
Boromir: (weakly) Yoinks, and away.
More arrows sink into Boromir.
Boromir falls to the ground. With a loud “Meep-Meep” the Orcs zoom off in pursuit of the hobbits.
Later - Aragorn & Legolas approach Boromir’s bleeding carcass
Legolas: Buh-bee-a buh-bee-a buh-bee-a Boromir! What happened?
Boromir: This is the last time I take advice from an elf with a speech impediment.
Legolas (looks at arrows sticking out of Bormir) You guh-gee-a guh-gee-a guh-gee-a guh-got that right!
Aragorn: We must send Boromir back to the Gods. (Takes out pencil, draws chain hanging from nearby tree. Pulls chain, (toilet flushing sound-effects) Boromir’s body is swept away in a stream of water.
[Looney Tunes closing melody]
Sauron: The-the-the-that’s all folks!
To all before, I am in awe.
please accept my humble offering in the form of
Elton John
tune from curtains
I used to know the old stormcrow
He was my sage, my guide through the shadow
Cast down between the chasms
Of a cavern no longer mined by any dwarf
I held a palintar
And saw that the time had come
To leave upon the wind
Not to return
When summer burned middle earth again
Cultivate the smoothest leaf
The shire ever grew
Beneath these towers
I once wrote such childish words for you
Sorry could not do better than his last stanza so I left it out.
Blame my presence on userfreindly.org
-
C: Ras! What are you doing here?
R: Your mom and dad had to go out, so they called me. -
R: And they told me about the ring.
C: Ring? What ring? -
R: Don’t play games with me, shrimp. I know you’ve got it. And I’m gonna get it from you if I have to wring your scrawny neck.
[phone rings] -
[Ras goes to get phone]
C: What’re we gonna do, Hobwise? We’re doomed!
H: Whaddya mean “we”?
-
R [offstage] Hello?
C: Hobwise, we’ve got to think of something before Ras kills us. -
R: Erik, hi!
C: Urp! Not the dreaded Erik-hai! Hobwise, what are we going to do?
H: Why don’t we give her the ring? -
[A look of dread creeps over Calvo’s face.]
-
C: You too, Hobwise?!?
-
C: Hobwise, we can’t give Ras the ring. She’ll just give it back to Soremom.
H: Well, we could try to reason with her. -
C: Reason with her?!? How can you reason with a maniacal homicidal babysitter from hell?
H: She was a kid once. She’ll understand. -
C: Ha! She’s been brainwashed in school like all the “good kids”.
H: How do they do that? -
C: I dunno—something to do with the PA announcements. That’s why I never pay attention.
H: Can I have your comics collection when you’re gone?
-
C: Hobwise, I’ve got an idea!
H: Why is it whenever you get an idea I get a tummy ache? -
C: Shut up and listen. [Whispers conspiratorially into Hobwise’s ear.]
-
R: I’m back, shrimp. Time to squeal.
C: OK, Ras, you win. I’ll tell you where it is. -
R [grabbing Calvo by the shirt]: This had better not be one of your tricks.
C: Boy, for an evil babysitter you sure are paranoid.
-
R: All right, so where is it?
C: It’s in the garage, on Dad’s tool bench. -
R: You’d better not be lying, or you’re dead.
C: I swear it’s there. -
R: OK, you stay here. I’ll be right back.
-
[Ras heads towards open door. Calvo sneaks behind her]
C [thinking, with evil leer on face]: 5… 4… 3…
-
[Calvo slams door shut and locks it]
C: HA! Rot in hell, you evil sorceress!
R: Calvo! Open the door!! -
C: Quick, Hobwise, let’s go!
R: Calvo, when your parents get home, you’re dead! -
[Calvo and Hobwise running up stairs]
H: Where are we going?
C: To the Cracks of Doom! -
[We see Callum sneaking up the stairs, naked as always, rubbing his hands together]
Callum: Now I’ve got you, my preciousssss.
-
[Calvo and Hobwise in bathroom]
H: These are the Cracks of Doom?
C: Sure smells bad in here. -
H: So aren’t you going to cast the ring into the Cracks?
C: In a minute. Hey, do you feel a lidless eye staring at us? -
H: No, but I think I here a door opening.
C: I wonder what would happen if I put the ring on? -
H: Your mother would probably bite your finger off.
[We see Calvo about to put the ring on]
-
[Calvo puts ring on]
-
[We see an other-worldly landscape, with a ghastly looking creature vaguely resembling Calvo’s father reaching out toward him].
F: Give me the ring, Calvo.
C: It’s mine, you creep! -
[The scene has changed. Now we see a single, lidless eye staring at Calvo.]
C [Taking ring off]: No, you can’t have it! -
[Normal scene again. Callum bursts into bathroom]
Callum: My precioussss!!!
-
Callum [grabbing at ring]: My precioussss!
Calvo: Stay away! It’s mine, you mutant!
[Thumping noise in background.] -
Callum: Give that back! You stole it from me!
Calvo: Did not! I stole it from my mom!
[Thumping louder.] -
[Calvo and Callum struggle. The ring flies through the air. Thumping louder still.]
-
[Calvo’s mom rushes into bathroom, as ring drops into toilet]
M: My ring!!!
C and C: Aaaaauuuuuggggghhhhhh!!!
-
[Calvo sits in chair as mother lectures him.]
M: Not only was stealing my ring bad, but locking Rasuman out was dangerous and irresponsible. -
M: What would’ve happened if you had an emergency and she wasn’t there to help?
-
M: Now you march straight up to your room and think about what you’ve done.
-
[Calvo and Hobwise lying in bed.]
H: Boy, no one gives the evil eye like your mom.
C: Hmmph. Next time I’m throwing her into the Cracks of Doom.
-
H: Well, I guess we learned our lesson this time.
C: HA! They can lock up my body, but they’ll never lock up my spirit! -
C: I’ll show them! No evil witch queen can beat me!
-
C: They may have defeated me for now, but I’ll get my revenge!
H: How will you do that? -
C [holding up papers]: I swiped Rasuman’s recipe for Erik-Hai.
H [turning over, pulling covers up]: Wake me when it’s over.
Ooops, left out the title to the last post. That, of course, was the conclusion of Calvo and Hobwise.
TO: A.A. Dewey
Iain M. Cheatem, Q.C.
FR: Edwin Dewey
Date: January 22, 2003
RE: Baggins Cases
Please be advised that my secretary has been given her two week notice. Linda is a darling girl, but when she told me that “I thought we always represented the person on the top of the caption” I simply had to find someone else. Because we are at once handling the incorporation matter for the Fellowship (matter #04456), the criminal case pending against Mr. Baggins (matter #22213), as well as the quiet title action brought by Sauron (matter #66555), I can understand why she might be confused. Still, there’s no excuse for this and corrective action has been taken.
I have been informed by counsel for Sauruman Lord of Orthanc that he intends to file an Intervention in the Quiet Title action as a Real Party in Interest. Extensive research by associates, as well as a thorough search by a Title Insurance Company have revealed no proprietary interest in the ring. We must assume that Sauruman intends to press his claim not as an individual or in his capacity as Lord of Orthanc, but as a member of the Istari, which wizards being the designated representatives of Valinor in Middle Earth may possibly be able to assert eminent domain over the Ring.
We have also been served with ex parte notice by Mr. Crebain in the related property dispute over certain territories in Eastern Gondor (matter #00887). It appears that Mr. Crebain is asking the Court to continue the summary judgment proceeding on the fifth count (Dec relief re: riparian rights), the fourth count (trespass), and the eighth count (replevin of Osgiliath). The papers Crebain served indicate that one of his witnesses, the former Witch-King of Angmar, is unavailable. Mr. Crebain intends to present evidence that the Witch King issued several dying declarations, which we may contest later. I’ve instructed one of our associates in the Dol Amaroth office to attend this hearing and present our opposition.
I’ve also opened up a new case matter for a personal injury suit. The Lady Eowyn of Rohan has filed suit against Sauron for personal injury, as well as emotional and punitive damages. It appears that she’s done something to her arm. The file sent to us includes a declaration from the Plaintiff in the Gondorian Succession dispute enumerating the Lady Eowyn’s medical costs. Could one of you please have word processing run a conflict check?
Finally, I’ve not gotten back to you because I had to attend a deposition in Mordor (see my January 3 memo re: Enforcement of Judgment) which should be the last discovery prior to trial in the False Imprisonment action brought by Gollum in the Courts of Mirkwood. I’ve checked to ensure that our representation of the Elven Kingdom won’t interfere with our representation in the other matters described supra.
While I was in Mordor, I had a chance to stop by the local constabulary to visit our client. Sometimes working on the ground can be useful. I obtained delcarations by two of the Correctional employees as Cirith Ungol stating that they released Mr. Baggins on his own recognizance following a prison riot. In return I promised them we would file a habeus action to see if we couldn’t pull them out of jail. Any of our Of Counsel free to attend to this matter? Maybe a junior associate would like a chance to work on a “sexy” criminal case.
Thanks for all your hard work, and sorry for the confusion.
-Edwin
I found my way here via the Snopes forum. Not being nearly as talented to replicate certain literary styles, I wanted to see some well-known fanfiction authors versions of LOTR. So, without further ado, my humble contribution to this amazing thread…
Gandalf arrived, now with a striking, handsome, mulleted man. “This is David Kintobor. He’s the new ring bearer, because he’s absolutely perfect.”
Immediately, Galadriel, Eowyn, and Arwen rushed up to hug, fondle, kiss, and otherwise flirt with David. “Oh Davey-kins! You’re such a wonderful specimen of man, how could we ever love anyone else?”
“Sacre bleu cheese!” exclaimed Legolas.
“Oh phrack,” said Aragorn.
Lord of the Rings, by David Gonterman
MEMORANDUM
TO: Edwin Dewey, Esq., Rivendell Office
CC: I. M. Cheatem, Esq., Rivendell Office
FROM: A.A. Dewey, Esq., Washington, DC Office
DATE: January 23, 2003
RE: Sauron v. Baggins, et al., etc.
Edwin,
Thank you for your memo yesterday. You have greatly relieved my mind.
Regarding the potential habeas cases, why don’t you handle them? I note that your pro bono hours are currently a bit low. I think we can spare you for a bit of work in that area, as it would certainly be educational. Just be careful! Remember that Mordor has different standards in their notions of civil rights, to say the least.
I am copying Mr. Cheatem on this memorandum so that he can help to decide which of your current projects can be reassigned to others in the firm so that you can take on the habeas cases.
When the habeas cases are finished, perhaps you should take a bit of a vacation. Your billing records indicate that you are long overdue, and I know that your father would love to go fishing (hint, hint).
Love,
Mother
MEMORANDUM
TO: Iain Cheatem, Esq., Rivendell Office
FROM: A.A. Dewey, Esq., Washington, DC Office
DATE: January 23, 2003
RE: Sauron v. Baggins, et al., etc.
Iain:
Any progress yet on locating Mr. Baggins? I had a call today from the elder Mr. Baggins, our client’s uncle, wondering if we had heard from him, and I was at rather a loss to know what to say. It is likely that you can expect a call from Mr. Baggins today or tomorrow.
Also, I have cc’d you on the attached memo to Edwin. Please see if you can’t lighten his load a bit; his billing records indicate that he is vastly overworked. Additionally, I will shortly be reviewing the billing records of all of the Rivendell associates to see if perhaps we should be hiring some additional personnel. The Rivendell office has always been one of our most fiscally productive locations, and this year is no exception. Thus, my recommendation that Edwin handle the proposed habeas cases on a pro bono basis. After re-reviewing his work on these files, I think he’s more than ready, but I know that you will keep an eye out.
Perhaps when Edwin takes his vacation, we could persuade you to come with him on vacation? George would love to see you, and there’s always a spare rod and reel up at the cabin.
Yrs.,
Amanda
Frodowulf
So lived the Shire-Danes, eaters of all surveyed
To them a fat lord, Bilbo, whom tribes feared,
Shattered the mead-benches, he, a squat hero.
And unto he, Baggins bold, a Godsend given
Young Frodo, fearless, not-son to Bilbo famed.
Happy they, the Shire-Danes, hoarding food untold.
Shuffled the mighty, shoeless, through scenes idyllic,
A mead-hall guilded, Bag End, of basements most gloried.
Hold! Not unto forever, happiness afford the thanes,
Soon Westward walking, came a staff-wielder wizened
A child of Cain, he, a caustic Storm-Crow cackling
Earles a plenty, came - enough to cause him ponder
Else the mead-hall be wrecked, wronged by causes Elven.
Gamgee vied, met him coming, that Earle of Irish voice
But sent Sam fleeing did the fireworking scourge, fiercely.
Took and Brandybuck, thanes of girdles bursting
Met that greyhamed witch, goaded him not thither wizen.
Twelve years all told, and many torn the Tarnbuckles.
On a tiny river there, trauled untold pyre-boats to the Havens.
'Til from Grendalf a challenge came, and did the half-men clamber.
“Meet upon a Weathered-Hill a worried Maia, Mithrandir,
Ye milk-skinned Shire-walkers! Most round of swordsmen!”
Swiftly came the Shire-Danes, small of size, not courage,
For told them on parchment left by Prancing Pony, he:
“Bring that ring, Bilbo’s hoard-bauble, and honeycakes!”
- Yeri
Hell, someone beat me to it while I was writing. 
I hope I didn’t miss someone else doing this one:
Br’er Gollum and de Ring Finger
By Joel Chandler Harris (AKA Uncle Remus)
“Oh please come outs from hidin’, Br’er Frodo” Br’er Sauron sez, sezze.
But Mr. Frodo, he don’t say nuthin’ an’ de Gollum-critter, he lay low.
“Ise likes ta gives ya riches” Br’er Sauron sez.
But Mr. Frodo, he don’t say nuthin’ an’ de Gollum-critter, he lay low.
“Ise gwine ta gives ya power!” Br’er Sauron sez.
But Mr. Frodo, he don’t say nuthin’ an’ de Gollum-critter, he lay low.
At last, Br’er Sauron leaves and Gollum, he sez “Mis’ Frodo, AH wants dat ring!”
An’ they tussled an’ dey struggled ‘till de Gollum-critter he be a danglin’ over de Crack o’ Doom, neither up here, nor down dere a twixt an’ a tween.
“Take mah hand!” Sez Mr. Frodo.
But de Gollum-critter, bein’ de most greedy and mean o’ critters bites de hand dat reaches down to rescue him, a choppin’ off de ring AND de finger o’ Mr. Frodo. And down go de Gollum-critter, an’ down go de ring and down go de finger too, a splashin’ into de red-hot lava!
An’ Mr. Frodo, he don’t say nuthin’, and de eagles, a-come to git him, dey fly low.
Fenris
If you made the mistake of watching cable news last night, you might have noticed one small item in the foreign policy report. It seems that Saruman the White, the CEO of Isengard, has decided to send an army of ten-thousand Uruk-Hai to attack the civilian population at Helm’s Deep. Naturally, spokespeople from both the Dwarf and the Elf parties are issuing their usual squawks of protest, but honestly, are we really expected to believe that they are actually outraged by this? As anyone who doesn’t get their news from the corporate-controlled media well knows, Saruman and Isengard have been linked to countless episodes of evil during recent years:
-
At last year’s Council of Rivendell, a wizard named Gandalf asserted that Saruman is working together with Sauron to retrieve the One Ring of Power and dominate all of Middle-Earth.
-
Less than a month ago, a fellowship of eight was attacked by Orcs, leaving one person dead and two hobbits missing. While Saruman has, of course, denied any responsibility for this, we have yet to hear an explanation as to why the Orcs were last seen heading in the direction of Isengard.
-
Furthermore, Saruman still hasn’t answered to charges that his armies have been logging without a permit in Fangorn forest.
This last point is of particular concern since the logging is occurring very close to the ancestral home of the Ents, a race of walking, talking trees who have inhabited the area since before most other races existed. The Ents, of course, have been going about protesting Isengard’s action the polite way, with petitions and teach-ins, but needless to say, they haven’t been able to get anybody interested. The chances that Elrond or any other Elf leader will actually take action to curb the abuses of Isengard or any other corporate interest are about the equal to the chances that a Balrog will show up at a birthday party in the Shire.
Do you want to know what my solution to this whole mess is? I think that the Ents should band together, march to Isengard, and tear the place to pieces by themselves. Think about it. Saruman’s orc army is busy sacking Rohan, so they wouldn’t be able to get in the way. Also, Isengard is just a few miles south of the forest, so the walk wouldn’t be very long. And regardless of how it turned out, it would have to be better than simply sitting around a waiting for the Dwarves or the Elves to stand up the corporate overlords who seem to think that they rule Middle-Earth.
- Michael Moore, Stupid White Wizards
Dear Sir,
It has comed to our attention that you are a fine upstanding gentleman of your area and it is been our greatest pleasure for you to associate with us in a great buisness proposal. As you see, my uncle a certain “Bilbo” has managed to come into a great ring of power through many of greatest adventures you have ever heard. However, as I is a poor unfortunate hobbit living in this backward part of world named “Shire”, I am not allowed to use ring said above since great powers of this land known as “Sauron” have great tightly watch over this land.
I and my fellow brothers are currently in the processes of removing ourselves to the lovely USA however, there is certain hitch that prevents us from most noble aim. Since the possesion of such ring has become me, I am been forced by all sides by bad, vicious creature known as “Nazguls” who try to take ring off me at every chance. It is in that view that we seek a transfer of said ring of power from our native “Shire” to the glorious USA so that we may in all haste move there post haste.
As you may know or not know, the moving of such a ring must require a great dint in the effort and much hard work must be obtained. It must require at least 9 peoples of various skills at least some of great power. As you must certainly know, such peoples do not come in the cheaply and must require a great money to suck in.
Having much less than no cash at the present moment, this must be where you come into the picture. The moving of the ring must be known to take at least $50,000 of your US dollars for the hiring of mercenarys, taxations, bribes and miscellanious expemtions etc. However, as relibable source in the great and wonderful USA has told me, the ring must have sufficient power over there to dominate exactly 8 medium size countrys (no smaller than Indonesia). As a sign of trust and deviotion to this most honorable task, I and my friends are willing to impart to you no more nor less than 2 countries for you to rule (no larger than Madigascar) in exchange for your trust and devotion.
If you are willing to recieve the ring on our behalf, please do muchness to contach our esteemed collegues as soon as is probable. While this proposal is guarenteed to be 100% no-risk free, we must ask for obvious reasons that it must be kept in a muchness of secrecy.
If you are said to be much interested in this proposal, please make no haste in dashing of reply to email address below for much wealth and crushing of rebellion under powerful dominion.
Hoping to receive your reply.
Remain blessed in the Lord.
Sir Frodo Baggins
frod_bag@hotmail.com
Nice one Fenris 
I can’t remember what made me think of trying the Uncle Remus style (I think it was another post on these boards about childhood reading?) - I only got as far as Br’er Frodo “running lickety split after lyin’ low in some bushes at the side of the road”, and gave up!
So I’m glad you sho’ nuff done posted a good Remus! Hooray! -
Military buildup in Helms Deep reveals threat of war growing closer
ISENGARD (CNN) – Defense Secratary Saruman orders a further 10,000 Uruk-Hai to be deployed into the political hot-zone of Helms Deep
The deployment of over 15,000 Uruk-Hai in Helms Deep have had critics and analysts alike say that war may be only a few weeks away. Along with the 5,000 Uruk-Hai stationed here last week, the addition of an additional 10,000 troops leads some critics to say that this has been one of the largest assemblies of troops since the second age.
Nobody is believing Rohan Leader, Theodin, when he continually proclaims that he is innocent of harbouring RMD (Rings of Mass Destruction). Least of all, President Sauron in his scathing public address last wednesday. “It is clear to us all that Theodin is harbouring these terrible weapons, after all, if he was not, would we really be attacking him?”
Sources inside Helms Deep have reported that the shocking conditions that these people have been subjugated to are only getting worse. Children as young a 12 are being forced into fighting. With scant armour and rusty blades, observers say that these children amount to little more than human shields, pressed into a war that they do not want. Food supplies have steadily dwindled and diesese is rampant amoung the women and children due to cramped conditions. Humanitarian organisations have universally condemned Theodin for allowing such atrocities to take place unchecked.
Theodin has been linked to other terroist organisations, most notoriously, the mysterious “Fellowship”, the perpetrators of the brutal murder of all 9 ringwraiths near Rivendell. Since then, this mysterious group has been responsible for orc slayings from the Misty Mountains to the Anduin. Their leader, a Frodo Baggins, has however not been seen for some months and is believed to be dead.
CNN Military Correspondant Grima Wormtounge contributed to this article.
America’s Most Wanted
“Police need your help tonight to catch a notorious thief who’s gone underground after stealing a precious family heirloom.Frodo Baggins,a native of Hobbiton,made off with a ring given as a birthday present to Smeagol and was last seen heading in the direction of Mount Doom,where it’s feared he may try to destroy it…”
Re-adapting the Lamb Chop song to this thread instead of LOTR itself:
This is the thread that never ends
It goes on and on my friend
Some people started adding to it
Not knowing what it was
And they’ll keep on adding to it because
This is the thread that never ends…
Having said that, here is an excerpt from Isaac Asimov’s Foundation and Ring:
“Where is it?” Gandalf demanded as he stormed into Frodo’s home.
“It?” Frodo asked.
“The ring, fool, where is it?”
“It is safe. It is hidden. As directed,” Frodo replied.
“Get it,” Gandalf commanded.
Frodo shrugged, somewhat annoyed by Gandalf’s attitude, and complied. He opened the chest which contained it, carefully removed the chests contents, and then removed the sealed envelope that contained the ring.
Gandalf had lost all patience, and snatched the envelope from the ever-patient Frodo’s hands. Without a word of explanation, he tossed it into the fire.
“Why did you do that?” Frodo asked.
“Because I must know,” Gandalf replied.
Gandalf gave no further explanation, but Frodo patiently waited. Using a pair of tongs, Gandalf carefully extracted the ring from the fire and held it out to Frodo.
“Take it,” Gandalf said. “It’s very cool, despite the fire.”
Frodo took it.
“Now what?” Frodo asked.
“Is there writing upon it?”
“No. Wait, yes there is. It is an older binary code, I can’t understand it.”
Gandalf sighed. He knew what it said, and told Frodo as much. “It is the one ring,” Gandalf concluded.
“Then as a ringbearer I must…” Frodo hesitated, unwilling to continue his statement.
"You must obey the three laws of ringbearing:
- Never, through direct action or inaction, let Sauron come to harm.
- Make every attempt to return the ring to Sauron, unless doing so will violate the first law.
- Never let it be known that you carry the ring, unless this would violate the first two laws."
“But–but following those laws will mean the end of Middle Earth.”
“Not to worry Frodo, there is a loophole.”
“A loophole?”
“Yes. You must journey with friends, including some you don’t even know yet. You must attempt to return the ring to Sauron as the second law states. In the end, it is possible that one of your companions or even somebody else might manage to break the first law, but that would not be your fault. You must do it.”
“But wouldn’t all of that break the first law, allowing Sauron to come to harm?”
“Not as long as you bring the others along for your own protection. If they–or somebody else–happens to bring about Sauron’s end, it will not be your fault.”
Frodo’s logic circuits strained for a bit but in the end accepted the three laws and what he had to do…