Someone mentioned L. Frank Baum earlier, but didn’t take it to its logical (?), and better known conclusion.
I apologize for the length - hopefully you’ll find it worth it.
The Wizard of Rings
A M-G-M (Melkor-Gothmog-Maiar) Movie
Logo – roaring, flame-spouting dragon head
Theme music
Opening scene: Frodo running down Bagshot Row with Sam close behind
They run up to Bag End, where Bilbo is puttering around outside
Frodo: Uncle Bilbo! Uncle Bilbo!
Bilbo: Now now, what’s the fuss about?
Frodo: Uncle Bilbo, you have to help! Aunt Lobelia wants to drag poor Sam off to the lockholes!
Bilbo: Now calm down, why would she do that?
Frodo: We were walking by her garden, and, well, that Lotho Pimple started teasing him. It wasn’t Sam’s fault Pimple started a fight and Sam beat him up. It was a mistake, really!
[Sinister music – Doot-de-doot-de-doo-doo, Doot-de-doot-de-doo-doo as Lobelia strides up, umbrella at the ready]
Lobelia: There you are, little Gamgee! I have a warrant! There’s laws to protect poor boys like my Lotho from the like of you!
She hooks Sam around the neck with the handle of her umbrella and starts to drag him off. Frodo starts crying.
Bilbo (to Frodo): Sorry my dear boy, but we have to obey the law! [He goes inside]
Frodo walks around slowly, sniffling.
Frodo: I wish I was in a nicer place. Somewhere over the stars, past Earendil.
Frodo (singing):
Somewher, past Earendil
Valar fly.
If Valar fly past Earendil
Why oh why can’t I?
Cut to farther down the lane. Lobelia is still dragging Sam. Suddenly a potato zooms by her head. She turns to look as Merry and Pippen run off giggling. Not looking ahead of her she trips over a stone, and drops the umbrella. Free, Sam goes running off back up the road.
Cut back to Bag End. Frodo, sitting on the grass, goes from disconsolate to joyful as Sam comes running up. Frodo grabs and hugs him.
Frodo: Oh Sam, you got away, you got away! But she’ll be back. Quick, we’ve got to run away!
He dashes into the Hole, then back out with two walking sticks. He gives one to Sam. They trot off.
Cut to a little bit down the road. They come across an old man by the side of the road, cooking a pot of stew next to his wagon, which reads, “Wizard Gandalf. Mage to the Crowned Heads of Numenor!”
Frodo: Pardon us sir, but we haven’t had any lunch. Could you share some?
Gandalf: Well, let me see. What are you two doing out here? Let me see…uh, you’re trying out for the sidekick for “Fantasy Island” – no, no – you’re running away from home!
Frodo (astonished): How did you guess?
Gandalf: Wizard Gandalf doesn’t guess, he knows.
Frodo: Will you take us with you to visit the Crowned Heads of Numenor?
Gandalf: The who? Oh, yes, yes, the sign…well first let me consult my Palantir!
He reaches into the wagon and pulls out a large glass ball.
Gandalf: Let me see…now to make sure we contact the spirits, you’d better close your eyes…here, let me stand your walking sticks up against the wagon.
He takes them. Frodo and Sam close their eyes. He silently reads the inscription on one of them: “Happy birthday Frodo from Uncle Bilbo.”
Gandalf: OK, you can open your eyes now.
He runs his hand over the glass ball.
Gandalf: Let me see…I see a hobbit, an elderly gent. He looks a bit like you!
Frodo: That’s Uncle Bilbo!
Gandalf: Bilbo, yes. Why, he’s crying. Someone has hurt him, someone who he has cared for all these years. What’s this? He’s putting his hand over his heart! He’s sinking to the ground! Oh my, the Palantir’s gone dark…
Frodo: Oh no! Sam, we must go back and help him. Thank you, mister Wizard!
They run off. Gandalf looks up at the sky, where dark clouds are gathering.
Gandalf: Poor little fellows. Hope they get home allright.
Cut back to Bag End. The wind is whipping about. In the background a twister approaches.
Bilbo: Quick, everyone, into the Hole!
He shoos Merry and Pippen into the Hole.
Bilbo (frantically): Frodo! Sam!
The twister is getting nearer. He can’t wait any longer, and ducks into the Hole, slamming the door behind him.
Only a moment later, Frodo and Sam come running up. Frodo pounds on the door as debris starts to fly around them.
Frodo: Uncle Bilbo! Open up!
But the noise from the storm is too great – he can’t be heard.
Frodo: Quick! Into the cart, under the tarp!
They jump into the cart. But as they try to struggle under the tarp, the twister is upon them. A branch from the Party Tree breaks off, and, driven by the wind, knocks Frodo in the head, and he lies in the cart unconscious. He lies there with his eyes closed as images swirl in his head…
He awakes. He peeks out from the cart as clouds, animals, and hobbits go flying by.
Frodo: We must be up inside the twister! Oh no! It’s Aunt Lobelia!
Lobelia is flying by, tightly straddling her umbrella. Suddenly she turns into a Nazgul riding a bat-winged Fell Beast! She cries in a high-pitched, other-worldly cry. Frodo squeezes his eyes shut. He is now spiraling down…down…suddenly he lands with a thump. He climbs out of the cart, then helps Sam up. He looks around in astonishment. He is in a narrow, deep valley surrounded by mountains, with a babbling brook nearby. Ahead of him, up against the mountainside, is a great house. Light, laughter, and singing are all around.
Frodo: Sam, I have the feeling we’re not in the Shire anymore.
The laughter is all around him, but he can’t see anyone. Then he looks up, and a bubble of light approaches, finally settling down in front of him. The bubble resolves into “a lady fair to look upon, with braided dark hair, wearing a cap of silver lace netted with small gems, glittering white; but her soft grey raiment has no ornament save a girdle of leaves wrought in silver.”
Arwen: Are you a good Wizard, or a bad Wizard?
Frodo: I’m not a Wizard at all. We’re Frodo and Sam, and we’re hobbits from the Shire. Wizards are ugly old men with long beards and crooked noses!
The laughter starts up again.
Frodo: Who is there? I don’t see them?
Arwen: They are the elves that live here. And they are laughing because I am a Wizard.
Frodo: Oh, I’m sorry. But I never heard of a beautiful woman Wizard.
Arwen (laughing): Only wicked Wizards are ugly men. I am Arwen, the Good Wizard of Rivendell. They feel you must be a Wizard, because you have freed them from their evil master Saruman, the wicked Wizard of Orthanc.
There is more laughter.
Frodo: But how? I told you I’m not a Wizard!
Arwen: If you say so. Yet here you are, and that is all that is left of the Wicked Wizard of Orthanc!
She points behind him. Frodo turns around and gasps. The lower half of a white-robed body protrudes from under the cart.
Suddenly there is a flash of light and smoke, and a great shape in a black robe wearing a black helmet with a red lidless eye on it appears.
Forod (recoiling): Who…who is that.
Arwen: That is his brother, Sauron, the Wicked Wizard of Barad-dur. And he’s worse than the first one!
Sauron: Who killed my brother? Who killed the Wicked Wizard of Orthanc? Was it you?
He advances menacingly. Frodo shakes in fear, while Sam grovels behind him.
Arwen: Aren’t you forgetting something, Sauron?
Sauron: Of course! The Ring!
He walks toward the body. Suddenly it dissolves away into a cloud of smoke that is blown away on the wind.
Sauron: What! Where is the Ring?
Arwen (to Frodo): Frodo, what is in your pocket?
Frodo puts his hand in his pocket, and, with an astonished look, pulls out a Ring.
Arwen: There it is, and there it will stay.
Sauron (again approaching Frodo): Give it to me! It is mine!
He leaps toward Frodo, but Arwen raises her hand, and he is propelled backward.
Arwen: You have no power here! Be gone, before someone drops a cart on you!
Sauron snaps his eyes up in alarm, then crouches, and backs away.
Sauron: All right. I’ll bide my time. But just try to stay out of my way. I’ll get you, my Frodo. And your little Sam too!
He disappears in a puff of smoke.
Arwen (looking around): All right, he’s gone! You can come out now.
Groups of little elves come out from behind trees, etc. They whisper excitedly to each other, then all form dancing circles and start singing:
Elves (sing):
Ding-dong the Wizard’s dead.
Which Wizard? The bad Wizard.
Dong-dong the wicked Wizard’s dead.
He’s gone where the Balrogs go
Below, below below yo-ho
Let’s open up and sing
And throw the Ring out
Ding-dong the merry- oh
Sing it high, sing it low
Let them know the wicked Wizard’s dead!
Arwen (aside to Frodo): Unfortunately, I’m afraid you’ve made a rather bad enemy. The sooner you are out of Middle-Earth altogether, the better off you will be!
Frodo: But how do I leave? I can’t go back the way I came.
Arwen: Then you must travel to the White City, and seek the help of the mighty Wizard of Rings.
The elves stop singing. They turn to face in one direction, and bow low.
Frodo: But how do I find the way?
She points off to the side. Frodo sees a path of glistening silver leading off into the distance.
Arwen: Follow the white mithril road!
Elf 1: Follow the white mithril road!
Elf 2: Follow the white mithril road.
All sing together:
You’re off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Rings.
He says that he’s a whiz of a wiz, though no one’s seen him do a thing!
You’re off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Rings!
The bubble forms around Arwen again, and drifts away. The other elves go scurrying back up toward the house, leaving Frodo and Sam alone.
Frodo: My! People come and go so quickly around here!
He and Sam set off down the white path. Scene fades out.
Scene fades in. Frodo and Sam are standing at a crossroads surrounded by corn fields– the white mithril path intersecting another white mithril path. In the field off one corner is a scarecrow with long skinny arms and legs and big eyes.
Frodo (looking at the various paths): Now which way do we go?
Scarecrow (Smeagol): Ssssome say this way.
Frodo turns around to see who is talking. He notices the arms are pointing to the left. He turns back to survey the road.
Smeagol: And ssssome say that way.
Frodo wheels back around toward the scarecrow. He notices the arms are pointing the other way.
Frodo (to Smeagol): Did you say that? You did say that!
Smeagol: Yesss. What isss they, Precioussss. Will they lets usss down, will they Precioussss?
Frodo: I’m a hobbit, Frodo Baggins by name. And this is Sam Gamgee. Who are you?
Smeagol: We’s Smeagol Scarecrow. Will they lets usss down, nice hobbitses?
Frodo: Why of course we will.
Frodo and Sam lift the Scarecrow off the pole.
Frodo: Can you tell us the way to the White City?
Smeagol: Perhapsss, perhapssss. Why does the hobbitses want to go there, hmmm Preciousss?
Frodo: We’re trying to find a way home, and we’re going to see the Wizard of Rings.
Smeagol: The Wizard! Can we comes with you, show the way, hmmm?
Frodo: I don’t see why not. Why do you want to see the Wizard?
Smeagol: Smeagol was once like the hobbitses, yes. But then the Wicked Wizard of Orthanc took the Preciousss and used it to turn me into a ssscarecrow. Perhapsss the Wizard of Rings can help me get Preciousss back, to reverse the ssspell, yesss.
Frodo: Well, if he’s a great wizard, I’m sure he can help. By the way, what is the Precious?
Smeagol: Ah, the Precioussss. A golden Ring, of course. Why elssse would we thinks the Wizard of Rings could help usss, eh Precioussss? What has it gots in its pockets, hmmm?
Frodo gulps and quickly takes his hand of his pocket.
Frodo: Why, uhhh, nothing. Well, we should be on our way.
Smeagol: Yessss. Perhapss the Wizard can help usss. I could be like the hobbitses again, yessss, if I only had that Ring.
(Sings)
We could fulfill all our wishes:
Feasting on lots of fishes
Bird eggs for flavoring
With the thoughts we’d be thinkin’
We’d be slinkin’, never stinkin’
If we only had the Ring.
Smeagol points down one path, and they all start down it.
All (singing):
We’re off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Rings!
Scene fades.
Fade in. They are walking through a wood of apple trees.
Frodo: I’m hungry. I wish I were tall enough to reach those apples.
Smeagol: Ahh, perhapsss we can help, yesss Preciousss.
Smeagol runs over to one of the trees and scrambles up the trunk to the first branch. He slithers along toward the end, and plucks an apple. Suddenly the branch curls up into a hand, and throws him off onto the ground. Pan back, and we see the tree has a face. Frodo recoils in fear, and sticks his hand in his pocket, closing his fist around the Ring.
Treebeard: Hrum, hrum. How hasty of you to pluck my apples without asking!
Frodo (astonished): I-I-I’m sorry. We were hungry…
Treebeard: And if I were hungry, would you like me to pick off parts of you?
Meanwhile Smeagol has crawled back over next to Frodo.
Smeagol (whispered to Frodo): Watch thissss…
Smeagol (to Treebeard): Who would want your applessss? They have nasssty wormssss.
Treebeard: Hrum, hrum, how hasty of you to say that on so little evidence! Here, check these.
Treebeard starts plucking apples and throwing them at the group. Grinning at the trick Smeagol pulled, they split up, crawling along the ground, gathering the apples. Both Frodo’s hands are out of his pockets, but he still has the Ring in one fist. Then Frodo stops short against a pair of feet. He follows the legs up and stands. He is looking at a short man, barely taller than himself. He has a long beard. He is frozen in place and can’t talk, only grunt excitedly. After a moment, Frodo reaches up and touches the dwarf. A spark flashes from the dwarf to Frodo’s closed fist, and the dwarf jerks into motion, slumping tiredly.
Gimli: Thank you, thank you. It seems I’ve been frozen in that position forever. Gimli the dwarf, at your service.
Frodo: You’re welcome, you’re welcome. I don’t know what I did, though.
About this time Sam and Smeagol come up. Gimli bows to them.
Frodo: What happened to you?
Gimli: I was put under a spell! I was accosted here by a little slinking, stinking creature demanding I give it the apples I had gathered. Well, I told it no, and grabbed my axe, just to show I was serious, you know. Then it pulled out this Ring, put it on, and waved its hand at me. I haven’t moved since. Until you helped me.
He looks curiously at Smeagol.
Gimli (suspiciously): In fact he looked kind of like you…
Smeagol: Oh no, oh no, Preciousss. We’s jusssst a sscarecrow, yesss we isss, Precioussss.
Frodo: Oh no, he’s guiding us to the White City. But- I don’t see an axe.
Gimli (sadly): While I was frozen there, a passerby stole my axe. Now I don’t have one. What good is a Dwarf without his axe?
Frodo: Why don’t you just get another one?
Gimli: Because nobody makes them anymore. Only a wizard can make a new axe.
Frodo: Well, we’re going to visit the Wizard of Rings. We’re going to ask him to help Sam and me get home, and take a spell off Smeagol. I’m sure he could make you an axe.
Gimli: Really! Wonderful!
He capers about.
Gimli (singing):
When a dwarf goes into battle,
His foes should fall like cattle,
But I have to fall back.
I’m too small, no one fears me
But they wouldn’t dare draw near me
If I only had an axe.
They all fall in together, and march off down the path.
All (singing):
We’re off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Rings!
Scene fades.
CONTINUED IN NEXT POST
I LOVED your Mysterious Ways parody and your idea of Mordor Rouge!!! E-mail me!!