Let us not forget:
I’d Rather Be Napping
And
My Uruk Hai Beat Up Your Honor Student
I can see a tabloid headline now…
Hobbits Ate Me Out of House and Home!!
Woman tells of harrowing experience.
THE AMAZING RINGLORD, issue #4 (1965)
PAGE 1
Title: COMES A HERO
Subtitle: Special Guest Heroes – The Rivendell Five! Plus Gandalf, Master of the Mystic Arts.
Caption: Written by Stan “the Man” Lee
Drawn by Jack “King” Kirby and Suave Steve Ditko
Inked by Joltin’ Joe Sinnott
Lettered by the Inevitable Artie Simek
(Spash panel. We see FRODO standing in the center of the RIVENDELL FIVE HQ. He’s holding up the RING in triumph. Arrayed around him in a semicircle are GANDALF, ARWEN, and the RIVENDELL FIVE–ELROND, GIMLI, LEGOLAS, ARAGORN and BOROMIR.)
Caption: The person: Frodo, hobbit-hero on a mission! The place: The garden penthouse of the fashionable Rivendell Building, headquarters of the Rivendell Five! The time: Right now, effendi!
Frodo: You heard me right, guys and gals! Yours truly has found the legendary Ring of Power!
PAGE TWO
(The interior of the Rivendell Five HQ, cont’d)
Frodo: So, where do I collect my reward for this little trinket?
Elrond: Reward? I’m afraid there’s a misunderstanding. There’s no reward…
Boromir: Methinks such heroic deeds are done for the good of all, and not for filthy lucre!
Frodo: (thinks) Oh swell! Without reward money, how am I going to pay for Uncle Bilbo’s medicine? (speaks) Sorry, my mistake. I’ll just take my ring and go home.
Elrond: Hold on there, son. That ring is evil. Sauron will use it to cover all the world in a second darkness. The ring must be destroyed.
Gimli: Alright, brainiac, enough yakking. Leave it to me! I’ll pulverize it!
Gandalf: By the Cats of Queen Beruthiel, you cannot destroy the ring by brute force! The only way to destroy it is in the fierce fires of Mount Doom.
Boromir: Mount Doom? That lieth in Mordor!
Legolas: Are you suggesting we walk right into a country that’s ruled by Sauron, our greatest arch-enemy? I think Mr. Wizard here has flipped his lid!
Gimli: Cool it, hot-head! Aragorn will find a way in. He is the world’s greatest tracker, after all.
PAGE THREE
(The interior of the Rivendell Five HQ, cont’d)
Frodo: Aragorn? But–you were famous back when my dad was a kid! How can you possibly be so young?
Aragorn: The Numenorean Super-Soldier gene! It slows down the aging process, and gives me strength and agility beyond that of ordinary men.
Legolas: Why should we trust this half-pint, anyway? He broke into our HQ like a common thief! And all the newspapers say he’s wanted by the authorities in Bree!
Gandalf: I will vouch for the hobbit! It was I who, using my arcane arts, divined the true nature of the ring. And it was I who sent Frodo on his mystic mission! By the Teeming Towers of Minas Tirith, we must take the ring to Mordor!
Elrond: Very well. We’ll need supplies for the mission. Let’s head to the lab. I’ve developed a new food concentrate called lembas that you may find interesting…
Gimli: Food concentrate? For the love of Pete! Whatever happened to a good old-fashioned hamburger?
(The group heads out of the main meeting room, except for Frodo and Arwen.)
PAGE FOUR
(Frodo stands alone in the main meeting room. In the background, Arwen gaves wistfully out the window.)
Frodo: (thinks) I thought the ring would be an easy way to make money. Now I’m signed up for a trip to Mordor? And I still haven’t recovered from my confrontation with Bombadil!* What have I gotten myself into?
Caption: *As recounted in ish #3, natch! Smilin’ Stan
Frodo: (thinks) There’s Arwen! She’s so beautiful… All right, Frodo, just walk over and talk to her. Who knows, maybe …
(Aragorn and Gandalf enter. Arwen runs up and takes Aragorn’s arm.)
Arwen: There you are, tiger! A girl might think you were leaving without saying goodbye!
Frodo: (thinks) Face it, Frodo Baggins–you may have a ring of power, but you’re still a big fat zero with the ladies!
Gandalf: Come Frodo. The perilous path to Mordor awaits!
Frodo: Gandalf, I wish that I had never seen the ring. Why did it come to me?
Gandalf: Remember Frodo–with great power comes great responsibility.
Elrond: Good luck! I’ll stay here and monitor your progress via telepathic link!
Gimli: Ain’t it always the way? We’re out taking all the knocks while the boss man kicks back and relaxes!
PAGE FIVE
(The fortress of Isengard. SARUMAN is consulting with SAURON using the palantir.)
Caption: Yet even as the heroes hit the road, two sinister forms confer in a meeting of malice.
Sauruman: So it’s agreed --you’ll take out your old enemies the Rivendell Five, while I will deal with Gandalf and that upstart hobbit that’s been in the headlines lately.
Sauron: Of course, my white-clad friend. This arrangement will benefit us both!
Sauruman: Indeed. Farewell! (thinks) Little does that old fool suspect! While he’s wasting time with those Rivendell morons, I’ll snatch his precious ring!
(We switch to Sauron in the interior of Barad-dur.)
Caption: But Saruman’s plans are not as secret as he thinks…
Sauron: (thinks) The idiot wizard is probably already thinking about double-crossing me! But no matter. My plans are in place. Soon I will rule all of Middle Earth! If only I could achieve true coporeal form! If only I could have a … a body! With ten fingers! Instead, I’m cursed to remain an insubstantial spirit, while all those flesh things look down on me and laugh! But I’ll have my revenge on the flesh world. They will pay! (speaks) They … will … PAY!
PAGE SIX
Caption: Meanwhile, all mayhem has broken loose at the entrance to the fabled Mines of Moria.
(Fight scene: the WATCHER IN THE WATER holds Frodo up in the air in one of its many tentacles, while the other heroes attack the creature on the ground.)
Frodo: Guess you’re all hands, eh squid face? Don’t take it personally, but I’m not that kind of a hobbit!
Boromir: More deeds and fewer words, mine hobbit friend! Take that, foul dwimmerlaik!
(Boromir slices off the tentacle holding Frodo, and Frodo falls to the ground.)
Frodo: Oof! Thanks, Boromir! Say, why do you hang onto that crazy horn all the time? Starting your own jazz combo?
Boromir: A fine jest, master hobbit! Nay, this horn is but an heirloom of mine people. (thinks) He must not suspect that, without the power of mine mystic horn, I am as weak and feeble as a mewling kitten! Yet if I had the ring of power, then … Nay! Such thoughts lead but to madness!
Gimili: For the love of–This overgrown refugee from an aquarium must have been the Moria Street Gang’s idea of a joke! I’ll pulverize 'em!
(Gimli storms into Moria)
Aragorn: Hold on Gimli!
(Gimli stands over several DWARF SKELETONS as the other heroes enter Moria.)
Gimli: Hmmm, if this is the Moria Street Gang, someone sure did a number on 'em!
Frodo: (thinks) My magic sword–glowing! (speaks) Looks like we’ve invited ourselves to a big orc bash!
Gimli: It’s orc-bashing time!
(Orcs stream out of every nook and cranny.)
Orcs: Intruders! Get them!
Aragorn: Follow me, everyone!
PAGE SEVEN
(Spash panel. Fight scene. Aragorn is posed with his feet roughly eight feet apart, holding his sword aloft in a dramatic pose. Behind him approximately five thousand ORCS are attacking the heroes, armed with swords, clubs, and complicated machines made out of vacuum cleaner pieces.)
Aragorn: Rivendell, Assemble!
Caption: And so the living embodiment of Gondorian monarchy once again leads the forces of right into the fray–and prevails. Yet, every battle comes at a cost.
PAGE EIGHT
(An ORC impales Frodo with a spear.)
Frodo: Aaaaa!
Aragorn: Frodo!
Gimli: Take this, big, green, and gruesome!
(Gimli dispatches the orc with a single blow.)
Frodo: I–I’m all right. It was my shirt…
Gimli: What th-! A mithril shirt! That little doodad must be worth more than all of downtown Minas Tirith put together!
Frodo: Not mithril, Gimli. Adamantium. It’s a thousand times stronger than mithril!
Gandalf: By the Nattering Nabobs of Nimrodel! There’s more about you than meets the eye, Frodo Baggins!
PAGE NINE
(Something ominous lurks in the dark at the end of the corridor)
SFX: RRRGH!
Legolas: What was that?
Gimli: More of 'em!
Gandalf: By Thror’s Hammer! Now we face our most fearsome foe of all–a Balrog of Morgoth! The rest of you go on ahead. I’ll–I’ll face it alone.
Frodo: Don’t be crazy, Gandalf! That thing looks like it eats wizards for breakfast!
Gandalf: Sorry, Frodo, but I must. It’s the only way. Now, fly, you fools!
(The BALROG appears)
Balrog: GRAAGH!
(Gandalf confronts the Balrog, eldritch power flowing through his staff.)
Gandalf: By the Secret Fire of Arnor – You shall not pass!
Caption: Next Issue: FAllS A HERO. Don’t miss it!
LOTR as told by John Cusack…
(Heavily ironic and rapid-fire delivery): So there are these rings, see, a whole bunch of them, but they’re not important because they’re all controlled by this ONE Ring, see, and this ONE Ring, it BINDS them all. And Sauron (he’s the Dark Lord, see), he CREATED the rings, see, and he’s just USING the ONE Ring to control the whole world. But then this dude, Isildur, see, he gets it into his head, in the middle of a battle, no less, that HE should have the ONE Ring, and he actually cuts off Sauron’s hand!!! And Sauron, he just blinks out into nothingness!
(The innocent but also heavily ironic young girl to whom John is relating all this then says “Okay, so then what happens?”)
So THEN, I forget how, but Isildur dies, right? and the Ring gets lost or thrown away or whatever, it doesn’t matter, but it ends up at the bottom of this river, and it just LIES there, for, like, hundreds, I dunno, maybe THOUSANDS of years, okay? And then this guy, Smeagol? He finds it, or maybe someone else finds it and Smeagol kills him, but whatever, now Smeagol has it. But the Ring corrupts Smeagol, 'cause it’s really an instrumentality of evil, right? So Smeagol develops this split personality thing, and the other part of him makes this weird little noise with his throat, like this “gollumgollum”…
(the innocent young thing giggles)
…and so he’s called Gollum, and eventually even HE forgets who he once was. So, a REALLY long time passes, and this little guy, a creature called a Hobbit, named Bilbo Baggins, he goes on this quest with a Wizard and some Dwarves…
(the innocent young thing, wide-eyed, giggles again (annoyingly), and says “Dwarves? Like in Snow White?”)
…well, KINDA like in Snow White, but they were all smart, and they were all heavily ARMED. So, they go off on this quest, and in the middle of it, Bilbo, he gets separated from the rest of them, I forget how, and he ends up at this underground lake thing, and he sees this thing on the ground, and he picks it up, and it’s this ring, so he puts it in his pocket. And he gets all turned around and he’s lost and he doesn’t think he’s ever going to get out, and then he hears a voice…
(the innocent young thing sort of bounces (again, annoyingly) and says “ooh, a voice!” with a meaningful look in her eyes)
…YES! a VOICE! which is Gollum, and he basically wants to kill Bilbo, but they get into this riddle contest instead, I forget how, and Bilbo runs out of riddles, so he cheats and says instead “what do I have in my pocket?”…
(the innocent young thing sort of pouts and says “but that’s not a riddle!”)
… I KNOW, that’s why it’s cheating! So anyway, Gollum can’t guess, so he has to lead Bilbo out, 'cause that’s their deal. So Bilbo gets back with the rest of the group, and he ends up taking the ring home. And he keeps it in a box on his fireplace for years, and eventually he’s having this birthday party, and who shows up but the Wizard, again, and the Wizard tells him that he has to give up the ring and hie himself off to Rivendell, which is, like, elf-land, whatever, so off he goes. And then the Wizard gives the ring to Bilbo’s nephew, Frodo, and sends HIM off to Rivendell too.
So they get to Rivendell, and now all of a sudden there’s like this group of world leaders, all the major “good-guy” players of fantasy land. You got Elves, and Dwarves, and Men, and Hobbits, and Wizards. And they decide the Ring should be destroyed, and the Wizard says the only way to do it is to throw it into the volcano where it came from, but it’s dangerous because Sauron is watching…
(the innocent young thing looks confused and says “But I thought you said Sauron died?”)
…No, see, 'cause Sauron kinda can’t die, he’s the Dark Lord, so when he blinked into nothingness, he didn’t really cease to BE, he just sorta went, I dunno, dormant…
(the innocent young thing pipes up with “Oh, like a mosquito?”)
…YES! EXACTLY like a mosquito! (loses his place for a second, then) So anyway, they put together this Fellowship, right? and Frodo is chosen to be the poor schmoe who carries the Ring, because he’s the only one who really doesn’t want it. So they go off and stuff happens, and anyway, Frodo and this other hobbit, Sam, they end up with Gollum at the volcano, and I forget how or why, but there’s this fight, and Gollum ends up biting off Frodo’s finger…
(“ooh! gross!”)
…and the finger and the ring and Gollum all fall into the volcano, and that causes Sauron to REALLY blink into nothingness.
(the innocent young thing looks REALLY confused…“but I thought you said that Sauron couldn’t die?!”)
…Right. I did. That’s why this story is so depressing. It’s really a story about how we ALL die eventually, and don’t believe that just because you’re a Dark Lord, that means you get to escape your ultimate fate forever. No, you’re doomed, just like the rest of us…
(the innocent young thing looks disgusted. “I don’t know why I let you tell me these stories.”)
Princess of Rivendell, by Edgar Rice Burroughs
Turning to face the flames, my companions and I were faced with a hideous creature from the hells of middle earth. The face appeared as that of an earthly panther, but with horns like those of a bulls. The torso of the creature was a well muscled and beatiful chest of a man. The body itself seamed to confuse my eyes, composed of both fire and shadow. I knew I was facing a Balrog, the hideous demons of an ancient age.
My first instinct was to lunge at the creature with all the honour that is my Dunedain heritage, but concern for the safety of the halflings in my care, and the warnings of Galdalf, whom I love and admire lef my instead to turn and run. It is not in my nature to flee, but sometimes even I can be brought to do so.
Gandalf turned to the beast an giving the fighting smile of the men of Valinor, called out thusly, “You shall not, pass!”
Well, it’s not exactly brilliant, but it tickles my fancy.
For those who wanted a Beatles song based (however loosely) on LoTR, I have basically changed a few words from one of their lesser-done-to-death songs.
Hope you enjoy my first ever post.
Misery
The elves are treating me baaad
Misery
I’m the kind of ring
Who’s just not used to fleeing
The elves are treating me baaad
Misery
I’ve lost my master for sure
I won’t see him no more
It’s gonna be a draaag
Misery
I remember all the little things we’ve done
Can’t he see I’ll always be the only one?
Only one
Send me back to him
Obey his every whim
Without him I will beee in
Misery
I remember all the little things we’ve done
He’ll remember and he’ll miss his only one
Lonely one
Send me back to him
Obey his every whim
Without him I will beee in
Misery
In misery
Misery
With my appologies to Elen Feiss (http://www.apple.com/switch/ads/ellenfeiss.html)
I was looking at my ring, and then, like, beep Beep beep and it was gone! And I was, like, Uhh?
He tooks my ring!
It was a good ring too, a precioussss ring. I had to get it back, but it wasn’t the same. It was, kind of, a bummer.
My name is Smeagol and I’m a searching from my preciousssss.
Let us go then, you and I,
To Mordor, where the shadows lie
A land rent open, stricken upon its bedrock;
Let us go, through certain marshes dead,
The whispering entreaties
Of restless souls in shallow watery tombs
That summon you to rest in the mud:
A creature follows with lantern eyes
Of obsessive guile and guise,
To lead you into Shelob’s lair.
Oh, do not ask ‘Where is it?’
Let us go and make our visit.
In the night the shadows come and go
Talking of Samwise and Frodo.
…
I have heard the Nazgul screeching, each to each.
I do not think they will see through me.
I have seen them hurtling skyward, riding beasts
Breathing foully, circling round and back
With flesh grown pale and nails grown black.
We have lingered on the slops of Orodruin
By lakes of fire wreathed in yellow gloom,
Was that a bang, or whimper? It was Gollum…
Some excerpts from LOTR, directed by Quentin Tarantino
Oh, it was great! Much better than my version of “Wizard of middle earth”! Wonderful.
“If you’ve ever been too drunk to shave your feet, you might be a hobbit.”
Excerpt from …you might be a hobbit, by Jeff Foxworthy on his stand-up comedy tour of the Shire.
Frodo was stuffing his pipe with fresh weed when he suddenly exclaimed “Samwise, put the kettle on. We’re having a visitor.”
Samwise looked up from his copy of The Middle Earth Guardian, startled. “Are we expecting someone?”
“No, but nevertheless he’ll be here in a few moments.”
Samwise, with a slightly sceptical look on his face, got up and started to prepare three cups of the best Shire tea.
There was a knock on the door.
“Ah, there he is now” said Frodo. “A wizard, unless I’m mistaken. Dressed in grey, carrying a long beard, a staff and a small object of utmost importance.”
“I say! How…?”
“Elementary, my dear Samwise.”
From The case of the Ring by Arthur Conan Doyle.
Oh that was priceless. Absolutely perfect.
I’ve had a go at a couple I don’t think anyone’s done yet - sorry if they have been done already.
A scene from "Dr Gandalf (or How I learned stop worrying and love the ring)"
Theoden’s Hall in Rohan
GANDALF: Hail Theoden, son of Thengil.
(Gandalf points at Grima Wormtongue.)
GANDALF: Aha! A filthy spy for Saruman. Have it ye.
(Gandalf charges forward but is restrained by Halmer.)
HALMER: Gandalf, war is brewing. This is no time to be fighting.
(Gandalf backs off grudgingly.)
THEODEN: We will hear you out wizard, but do not weary our ears with bad news. We wish peace for us and our people.
GANDALF: Lord Theoden. How can you sit there talking of peace? Think of our place in the history books.
GRIMA: Perhaps we should be more concerned with the people of Rohan, than our place in the history books.
(Aragorn draws Anduril and flourishes the blade.)
ARAGORN: Nonsense! Ve must attack at vonce. All ze enemies of Gondor must be crushed, and subjugated. V’one Middle Earth, v’one people, v’one King.
(Aragorn’s other arm snatches Anduril, and sheathes the blade again. It then slaps him in the face a few times and restrains the hand that originally drew the blade.)
(Enter Gwyhir the great eagle)
GWYHIR: Dark tiding to relate Gandalf if you will hear them.
(There is a muttered condeference between Gandalf and Gwyhir.)
GANDALF: Ah, it appears we may have a problem. I think we might need to get in contact with Saruman. Can he hear me with his palantir Grima?
GRIMA: He can, and can make his voice heard by others if he so chooses.
GANDALF: Excellent. Hello Saruman, how are you? You’re good. Well that’s good. I’m good too. We’re all good. Now I’ve got a bit of bad news for you. A couple of the hobbits in our fellowship - good hobbits…best we have…have…ahhh…gone a bit funny. Y’know, just funny. And, well, they’ve done a very silly thing. The thing is they’ve, now don’t get upset, they’ve gone and got the ents they’re with to attack your city, and grind it into the dust…no…don’t take your hands away from the stone, I’m not finished.
(Gandalf waves his hands about in the air a little.)
GANDALF: Well, look, I know you’re upset, we’re all upset. This is a friendly message. If it weren’t friendly you wouldn’t be getting it. Do you think I just called you up for a chat? Now, don’t be like that. Of course I like chatting to you Saruman. Yeah, and your uruk hai too. But…what’s that…the ents are arriving…well good luck…
============
AND
"Witchking of Angmar"
Volume 987 in the Tale of the Eternal Champion
by Michael Moorcock
His cloak flutters behind him in the wind, like the wings of some great raven poised to strike down its prey. From underneath the hood of his cloak stare two red eyes, gleaming with bright malevolence. By his side hangs a long blade of some unknown dark metal, and on the hand that rests on the pommel of that blade is a ring - a simple band of gold - plain and unadorned.
He is the Witchking of Angmar, later to become known as Womanslain. He stands before the riders of Mordor he commands, outwardly confident, but silently brooding.
What morality know these men I command? What honour? Great they may once have been, but now they only continue.
But no longer will he allow his Dark Master complete command over him. He will see the Middle Earth outside Mordor, and learn from it, so that when he return he might reshape his land.
“Riders of Mordor, all is in readiness now. We shall away - seek ye Baggins.”
An orc approached his horse as he is about to ride off.
“Master, I beg you - you do great ill to leave the Mouth of Sauron in charge of your affairs whilst you are gone. I swear he shall betray you.”
“No good servant he shall not. Though he has sought to betray me, usurp me, and kill me in the past, I believe he has changed after all we have been through. Did I not hold him at daggerpoint and yet spare his life. He will not betray me, if only for that.”
The servant looked unhappy, but the Witch King reared up his dark steed and rode on through the Black Gate, leaving the orc behind…
Hard the Witchking and his followers rode, and by the seventh day they had reached the borders of Isenguard. The tower of Orthanc rose high above the city’s walls, looking like a long crooked finger silhouetted against the evening sky. But it appeared vritually undefended. A few skinny orcs stood by the walls, whilst orc children played amongst the felled trees outside.
The Witchking mistrusted this however, and instructed one of his riders to scout ahead and report back. The remainder sat back in their saddles waiting in silence.
The scout did not get far; he had gone only a few yards when a great white light flashed from the of the Tower and lightning crackled down from the light obliterating the rider.
“Ah, what I fool I was to tempt Saruman so. Now only eight strong shall we ride to his gates?”
Some of the other riders shifted uncomfortably.
“But I believe there is another way. Though it galls me to call upon such spirits, I see I have no choice.”
And he dismounted, and sat down on the hard earth to meditate. Onyl after five hours did he speak the name of his master.
“Sauron. Sauron. Sauron, answer me.”
A glowing red eye flickered into existence seeming to weaken and corrupt all it looked upon. The rage that burnt around it was almost palpable. The words were not spoken, but the Witch King heard them.
"Do not flee your destiny Witch King. It is meant for you to find Baggins.
“That is for me to say Sauron.”
“Why do you fight your destiny?”
“I am my own master, not desiny’s slave. I mean no disrespect master, for I shall serve you nontheless.”
“Ah, Witch King, you are the finest of my slaves. The talisman of Macguffin that hangs around your neck will protect you and your company from the sorcerous defence that Saruman has errected. Go now to your destiny.”
The eye disappeared from view.
“Riders, foward. Let all in the city feel our wrath. Too long has Mordor tolerated Saruman the White. What great negligence on our part not to have wiped him and his followers from the face of the earth in the first great war. But now, now it shall be different.”
And with that the Witch King kicked his heels into the sides of his dark steed, and charged into the city, at the head of his dark company.
“Blood! Blood! Blood for my Lord Sauron!”
And as he rode forward, again and again his Morgul blade lashed out felling children, and adults alike. The Morgul Lord’s red eyes blazed, and though none could see it, his face was fixed in a hideous grin. His sword was the vengeance for all the treacheries of Saruman.
And he offered the souls of those he slayed to his Lord Sauron. The Lidless Eye, the master of treacheries, and foremost of the powers of evil on Middle Earth.
And those who followed him would say they had seen a black cloaked devil that day. He had been more than a Ringwraith - he had been destruction and chaos incarnate.
Wonderful! Thank you!
I love the bumper-stickers!!! In that same vein, some t-shirts:
"My Nephew Went To Mount Doom
And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt"
"I’m With Precioussss---->"
And if LOTR was a basketball game (someone who’s into sports could surely expand on this with a color commentary!)
The Mordor Marauders
vs.
The Hobbiton Halflings
(The Hobbiton Halflings pull it out at the last second when the game ends on a personal foul.)
Respectfully submitted,
KathleenTheCritic
p.s. Mocroidh, you totally rock. I love your posts!
I’ve tried to read the whole thread (27 pages! Damn!), and I hope this hasn’t been covered yet…
Balrog"Stop! Who approacheth the Bridge of Khazad-dum must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see!"
Aragorn"Ask me the questions, Balrog, I’m not afraid!"
Balrog"What…is your NAME?"
Aragorn"Aragorn, Heir of Gondor."
Balrog"What…is your QUEST?"
Aragorn"To cast the One Ring into the fires of Mount Doom!"
Balrog"What…is your favorite color?"
Aragorn"Green."
Balrog"Right, then. Off with you…"
Aragorn"…oh, thank you…thank you very much…*
Gandalf"That’s EASY!" Rushes forward to the Balrog
Balrog"Stop! Who approacheth the Bridge of Khazad-dum must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see!"
Gandalf"Ask me the questions, Balrog, I’m not afraid!"
Balrog"What…is your NAME?"
Gandalf"Gandalf the Grey."
Balrog"What…is your QUEST?"
Gandalf"To cast the One Ring into the fires of Mount Doom!"
Balrog"What…is in my POCKET?"
Gandalf"I don’t know THAT! AAAUUUUUUUUGHHHHHH!!!" Gandalf is cast into the chasm
Frodo and Sam approach the Bridge
Balrog"Stop! What…is your name?"
Frodo"Frodo Baggins, Hobbit of the Shire!"
Balrog"What…is your QUEST?"
Frodo"To cast the One Ring into the fires of Mount Doom!"
Balrog"What…is the land-speed velocity of an unladen ork?"
Frodo"What do you mean? Goblin or Uruk-Hai?"
Balrog"What? I don’t know…AAAAUUUUUUUGHHHHHH!" The Balrog is cast into the chasm…
Sam"How do you know so much about orks?"
Frodo"Well, you have to know these things when you’re a Ring-Bearer, you know…"
Then there would be the T-Shirt given to Frodo by the elves of Rivendell:
This IS my Halloween costume
Perhaps even more appropriate:
Client of the Federal Witness Protection Program. You didn’t see me
Wow. I haven’t been to SDMB in about a year… and this thread is too much fun. Obviously, I’ve spent the last 90 mins reading these 27 pages instead of working on my Master’s Treatise. All I have to say is that I haven’t yet seen Jonathan Swift, Laurence Sterne, Daniel Defoe, or WH Auden, and I aim to rectify at least one of these four obvious omissions.
I enter the “Prancing Pony”, the most popular of Taverns in this area. It´s not like the party we just left in The Shire, if you know what I mean, but surprisingly it´s really crowded. Lucky for us, Gandalf has forewarned the owner of the tavern of me and my
fellowship´s arrival. The owner is a man in is 40´s who reminds me slightly of Faramir (a Faramir in his 40´s that is). On my way to the table I crash into a drunken dwarf. For a few seconds I confuse him with Gimli, though I know that Gimli probably is hanging out with Legolas at Bombadils place at this moment. The dwarf is wearing an exclusive looking chainmail, made of what appears to be mithril and marked with a golden “G”. There is an axe hanging from his belt, which bears the same golden “G” logo as the chainmail altough it´s, naturally, made of processed fur and silver. I quitely remind myself that I must purchase one myself when passing Rivendell.
Me, Sam, Peregrin and Merry reach our table and start to look through the menu. Irritating indeed, I find no lembas on the starters menu. “How can I help you, gentlemen?” the tavern
owner aproaches us, in a very Faramir-ish way. “you haven´t got any lembas, do you?” Merry and Peregrin look at each other and then look at me, obviously surprised of my remark. “Sorry Sir, we haven´t got any in right now. May I suggest…” “No lembas? no lembas!”
I find myself shouting at the tavern owner, who´s as surprised as I am. I feel a sudden urge to staple his ears to the table with my newly bought elven daggers and cut his back open and pull out his guts while forcing him to fist of broken glass. The blood runs down the table and reaches a dog, which starts to lap it. The tavern owner´s screams make everyone staring at our table and there is an awkward silence. Everything is perfectly quite, since the tavern owner has fallen into unconciousness or, more probably died. In the quite crowd I see a well-known face: Aragorn. Aragorn is dressed in a subtle cape, covering a light chainmail and he is having a sword, probably Gondor made, in his hand. Suddenly there is a cold breeze running through the tavern. Small pieces of paper, confetti-like, start to fall from the
ceiling.
“May I suggest our delicious frog soup, sir?” I stare back at the tavern owner. He´s giving me a more-polite-than-friendly smile. I silently nod. “Yes, frog soup. That´ll do.” As the tavern owner walks away I can hear Sam´s whisper: “frog soup is just soooo out. I bet Saruman isn´t feeding Uruk-hai with that kinda crap.”
BEGIN TRANSMISSION
TO:F.Baggins
FROM:Arwen Everstar,CIA Deputy Station Chief,Rivendell
1/15/03
0200 hours
Have briefed Station Chief Grey and President Elrond re:Orc assassination conspiracy.Appropriate security measures being taken to safeguard president.
Ground assets being deployed in Rohan and Helm’s Deep to deter invasion threat.Air support being mobilized.
Missing agents from your team have been located and rescue mission is underway to extract them from Mount Doom.Lorien Station Chief Galadriel will contact you at 0600 with co-ordinates for rendezvous with rescue team.
Upon your return,recommend you check Agent Smeagol into hospital for full psychiatric observation.
END TRANSMISSION