I think I have read the lot, but you tend to go numb if you read too much in one go. I think there have been a couple of WH Audens (there was definately a version of ‘Night mail’), and there was a Jonathan Swift, I but the others haven’t been done that I remember. I was thinking of a Peyps diary, or Dr. Johnson or maybe John Skelton, but I am waiting for inspiration.
Thanks… I must have missed the Swift somewhere in there. I’m surprised I missed it… do you remember what page it was on?
As for Auden, that’s not the end of the world. What I really really want to do is Laurence Sterne anyway.
Time to go brush up on my 18th C lit!
OOO! A la Tristram Shandy?
Well, the Laurence Sterne version would start out promising to describe the War of the Ring, but quickly get sidetracked into a digression about hobbits, and how hobbits give mathoms on their birthdays, and where pipeweed comes from, and how the postal service works, and…
Oops, someone already did that one, at the beginning of The Fellowship of the Ring.
Who knew Tolkien was such a big Sterne fan? 
Can’t remember. I think it was a Gulliver’s travels take-off. There is a search engine but it doesn’t seem to work always, so don’t be surprised if a search for ‘Swift’ doesn’t turn up anything. it didn’t find a ‘Dylan Thomas’ but I am told there is another one in there somewhere.
Monty Python fans, there’s now a whole separate thread for Python versions of LOTR:
http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=104732
One of the many people who registered only to post on this most wodnerful of threads. I haven;t read it all yet, so I hope these two haven’t been done yet, but I had to get 'em out’ve my head as soon as possible.
With apologies to Molesworth…
WHIZZ FOR RINGS
This is me e.g. frodo baggins the curse of the shirw which is the home i am at. It is utterly wet and weedy as i shall (i hope) make clear but of course that is the same as all MIDDLE EARTH.
e.g. it is nothing but rings, elfs, wizzards, my cosins pippin and merry and NAZGUL everywhere.
Sauron was always very ferce and keeps thousands of ORCS chiz moan drone. With these he hound and persecute all boys who are super like aragorn.
Sauron is always very proud of his tower and thiks he is the best in mordor in middle earth in space. he sa “Ah ahem to tell the truth the orcs are ahem ahem not er quite in fact just not the type we want.” A fien thing to sa with urk hi around i must sa.
Anyway my grate frend PEASON and I hav invented the Molesworth-Peason Mark IV One Ring gosh whizz super. It is wizzo and can kill one hundred orcs in a minnit but it requires a computator and rectifying flanges an master gandalf says i must thro it into the firey pits of mount doom CHIZ CHIZ CHIZ.
Anyway i took my grate frend peason and my cosins pippin (chiz) and merry (chiz chiz) and we will bring doom to NAZGUL EVERYWHERE.
“Gosh,” sa peason, “Thou art a fine ringbearer Molesworth.” I think this is a girly thing to sa and hit him and he sa, “Thankyou molesworht for shoing me the right way would you like to play foopball?”
CHIZ CHIZ CHIZ foopball is a chiz moan drone.
ZORK OF THE RINGS
You are in a maze of twisty mines, all alike
/north
You are in a maze of twisty mines, all alike
/south
You are in a maze of twisty mines, all alike
/south
You are in a maze of twisty mines, all alike
/east
You are in a maze of twisty mines, all alike
/if you say that one more time you can say goodbye to your face pal
I don’t understand the word “if”
/me throw computer out of window
Not here, but you might look in the Monty Python LOTR thread here.
FRODO’S DEEDS
WERE BOLD AND BRAVE
BUT WE GAVE HIM
A CLOSER SHAVE.
– ROHAN SHAVE
Been there, contributed to that (thanks though…). Contributed a couple to it before, but this one was a lot bigger and seemed more suited to this thread.
The Cold Twelve by James Ellroy.
Two Nazgul under a around the corner of the livery stable, snuffling like sensation-crazed power junkies as Sam and Frodo stepped over a drunk passed out in a peddle of his own spew and shouldered past a scary-eyed feeb into the tavern.
The Prancing Pony. Last call for a tall cold one, a needle full of hop, or a sloe-eyed slut west of the Misty Mountains. In one corner a trio worked a convincing version of Monk’s “’Round Midnight.” In another sat a man with tall, muddy boots. He wore a cape with a peaked cap. Two cold blue eyes and a pipe sparking beneath it.
Ah, young hobbits, said Butterbur. Butterbut was the proprietor. He’s done hard time at Folsom, story was in Bree and thereabouts. He did hits for what was left of the Angmar gang. He used a bellows to fill you full of beer then slit your belly open. I was excpecting you.
You were, Frodo said.
Yes. The fat ex-con slapped his pimple-scarred forehead. Don’t know why.
Don’t know?
Can’t remember, mean to say.
Rabbit turd, Sam muttered.
Frodo looked at the cloaked man again. The boots looked road-worn but well-maintained. The man snuffed out his pipe and waved the hobbits over.
Well well well, he said, prodding at the ash with a matchstick. Mr. Baggins.
Uh, no, Frodo said. .
Well well well, he said, prodding at the ash with a matchstick. Mr. Baggins.
Uh, no, Frodo said. Underhill.
I’ve been told, the man said, jabbing with his pipestem, it’s Baggins.
Har har har, all hobbits look the same, Sam said, looking around. That’s one of them jokes never wears on you, ain’t it, Mr. Frodo?
Some requested Stephen Donaldson, so here goes (best I can do from memory). Picture Sauron speaking to the King of the Nazgul:
Over his silence, the voice continued, "Isildur was a fool – fey, anile, and gutless. They are all fools. Look you, ringbearer. The mighty High Lord Isildur, son of Elendil and great-grandson of Beren Elf-Spouse whom I hate, stood where you now kneel, and he thought to destroy me. He discovered my designs, recognized some measure of my true stature – though the Numenoreans had set me on their right side in the Council for long years without sensing their peril – saw at the last who I was. Then there was war between us, war that blasted Middle Earth and threatened Gondor itself. The feller fist was mine and he knew it. When his armies faltered and his power waned, he sheared off my finger with the Ring, but became mine in thrall to it. He thought that he might use that power. Therefore he drowned in the river from which Smeagol’s friend drew the ring…
“Say to the Council of Elrond, and to High Lord Elrond son of Earendil, that the uttermost limit of their span of days upon Middle Earth is seven times seven years from this present time. Before the end of those days are numbered, I will have the command of life and death in my hand. And as a token that what I say is the one word of truth, tell them this: Frodo Baggins, Halfing of the Shire, has the One Ring, and it is a cause for terror…”
A new film by Martin Scoscese…
The Don of the Rings: The Good Fellas of the Ring.
Excerpt:
Glimli: You think I’m funny? Tell me. Why am I so G–damn funny?
****************************************************Frodo: It’s hard to adjust after watching Gandalf get whacked by the Balrog…
I just wanted to mention that this thread (and the Straight Dope site) was featured in Dagens Nyheter (Sweden´s biggest newspaper). It is on the first page of the culture section of the newspaper.
The article (in swedish) can also be found online here .
The head line is Tolkien rewritten - How would the LOTR-trilogy be if written by Mark Twain or Mickey Spillane
Among the best (according to the article) are
I wonder if the journalist is an active Doper?
BEAUTIFUL!!! Oh, I could just hear him telling this story! Priceless!
Plus, the Ents would be introduced in the second book, Gandalf would be with them the whole time, and he would teach them about Balrogs, Sauron, etc. on the journey. There would be a prophet who would say that “Evil shall be destroyed by it’s servant”, and “The trees will fight”. You would have everything from the point of view of Saruman, Sauron, Gollum, and the Ents.
for Duncan, re: “Witchking of Angmar”
Volume 987 in the Tale of the Eternal Champion
by Michael Moorcock
Omigosh that took me back! I used to go through Eternal Champion books like candy in the late 70’s/early 80’s; I think my fave was Elric. You did an excellent job! The Strangelove was also hilarious.
Probably gave my age away, but so be it. Thanks for the laugh!
We’re getting linked to from SWEDEN??? Hello from the American Midwest!!! (waves madly)
Jr8’s from England, so I was surprised to see a Burma Shave sign from you! (Sorry, jr8—I can’t pull up your profile so I don’t know if you’re a he or a she.)
I think a lot of folks here are too young to know about Burma Shave signs (and I’m relatively sure that people from Sweden don’t know about them.) They’re a lost part of American culture. The Burma Shave company advertised its product (shaving cream in a tube) along American roadsides for nearly 40 years, starting in 1926. In the days before high-speed expressways, motorists traveled along at a blistering 40 miles per hour on country roads. The Burma Shave company erected advertisements in the form of short poems, with each line of the poem on a long, narrow blue sign with white lettering. The first line would appear, then a few seconds later you’d drive past the next line, and so on. The last line usually mentioned Burma Shave. For the most part, the Burma Shave signs had something to do with the product, or shaving in general, although that wasn’t always the case. There were 7,000 of these signs all over America until 1963, when the company stopped producing and maintaining them.
Here’s an example of a real Burma Shave sign:
IF YOU
DON’T KNOW
WHOSE SIGNS
THESE ARE
YOU CAN’T HAVE
DRIVEN VERY FAR
Burma-Shave
Here are my humble LOTR contributions. I’m sure I’ll have more…
That Ranger’s face
Looks stern and grave
He’d smile more
With Burma Shave
Our profits soon
Would look so sweet
If Hobbits chose
To shave their feet
Burma Shave
You will see
A Hobbit thin
As seldom as
A Wizard’s chin
Burma Shave
A two-faced man
Is Tirith’s lord…
He’s shaving with
A two-edged sword
Burma Shave
Respectfully submitted,
KathleenTheCritic
Vital statistics: male, American expat, and too young to have actually seen any real Burma Shave signs. Just so’s ya know.
A Journal of the Ring War, by Daniel Defoe
It was about 1418 that I, among the rest of my neighbours, heard in ordinary discourse that the One Ring had appeared again in Middle Earth; for there had been great violence, and particularly in Moria and the environs of Mordor. Some say it was found in Gondor, others from the Lone Mountain, among some treasures from a dragon’s hoard which were brought to the Shire by a travelling Hobbit; others said it was brought from Isengard; others from Mirkwood. It mattered not from whence it came; but all agreed it was come into Middle Earth again.
We had no such thing as printed newspapers in those days to spread rumours and reports of things, and to improve them by the invention of Men and Halflings, as I have lived to see practised since. But such things as these were gathered from the songs of minstrels and others who corresponded abroad, and from them was handed about by word of mouth only; so things did not spread over the whole countryside , as they do now. But it seems that the Wizards and the Elves had a true account of it, and several councils were held about ways to destroy it; but all was kept very private. Hence it was that this rumour died off again, and people began to forget it as a thing we were very little concerned in, and that we hoped was not true; till the latter end of the year when two Black Riders, said to be Nazguls, appeared in the Shire…
BEGIN TRANSMISSION
To:Gandalf T. Grey,CIA Station Chief,Rivendell
From:L.Greenleaf
1/16/03
1020 hours
Operation Fellowship complete.Rescue team has evacuated Agents Brandybuck and Took to Landing Zone Grey Haven.Agent Baggins and his team will arrive in Hobbiton no later than 1500.
Regret to tell you Agent Smeagol attacked Agent Baggins during final extraction from Mordor.Agent Baggins was forced to terminate with extreme prejudice.
Will submit final report on Operation Fellowship in 48 hours.
END TRANSMISSION
Quoting KathleenTheCritic
KathleenTheCritic, the Burma Shaves were perfect, as was the high-tech product launch.
Like me, you have been an active poster to this thread - I was delighted to discover it too (from /. of course).
Thanks for the compliments on the Bumper Stickers of the Ring, I also got a good rap for the ‘sysadmin’ version - like you, I think Business Writing is ripe for parody in all its forms!
And now back to our normal transmission…