Oops - almost forgot Alice’s Restaurant, except I can’t decide between
“You can get anything you want at Barliman’s restaurant”
or “Rosie’s Restaurant” - any takers?
From “Hobbitstein” - by Mary Shelly
I then thought that my Uncle Bilbo would be unjust if he ascribed my neglect to vice or faultiness on my part, but I am now convinced that he was justified in conceiving that I should not be altogether free from blame. A Hobbit being in perfection ought always to preserve a calm and peaceful mind and never to allow passion or a transitory desire to disturb his tranquillity. I do not think that the pursuit of knowledge is an exception to this rule. If the study to which you apply yourself has a tendency to weaken your affections and to destroy your taste for those simple pleasures in which no alloy can possibly mix, then that study is certainly unlawful, that is to say, not befitting the Hobbit mind. If this rule were always observed; if no Hobbit allowed any pursuit whatsoever to interfere with the tranquillity of his domestic affections, Gondor had not been enslaved, Saruman would have spared his country, the Shire would have been discovered more gradually, and the empire of Rohan not been destroyed.
But I forget that I am moralizing in the most interesting part of my tale, and your looks remind me to proceed.
My Uncle Bilbo made no reproach in his letters and only took notice of my silence by inquiring into my occupations more particularly than before. Winter, spring, and summer passed away during my labours; but I did not watch the blossom or the expanding leaves – sights which before always yielded me supreme delight – so deeply was I engrossed in my occupation. The leaves of that year had withered before my work drew near to a close, and now every day showed me more plainly how well I had succeeded. But my enthusiasm was checked by my anxiety, and I appeared rather like one doomed by slavery to toil in the mines, or any other unwholesome trade than an artist occupied by his favourite employment. Every night I was oppressed by a slow fever, and I became nervous to a most painful degree; the fall of a leaf startled me, and I shunned my fellow creatures as if I had been guilty of a crime. Sometimes I grew alarmed at the wreck I perceived that I had become; the energy of my purpose alone sustained me: my labours would soon end, and I believed that exercise and amusement would then drive away incipient disease; and I promised myself both of these when my Ring should be destroyed.
Andrew Bak
Wow! What fun. I don’t have the time to read all of these, but took a look at an example here and there. I wonder if this one has been used: The silliest rewrite of Tolkein actually took place in the screen play! R.I.P. Tom Bombadil… Look out for that cliff Aragorn! …next time you might not drift into elfin Nirvana! Fangorn, where’d you get those yellow eyes… contacts?
Faramir ‘interrogates’ Frodo, Sam and Smeagol:
Faramir: Frodo, give me the Ring!
Frodo: But, I thought you were…
Faramir: (smirking) You thought I was what…? The generous, wise, noble, insightful and intelligent brother of Boromir? Who, in spite of his father’s disdain for his lack of overt brass, muscles and flowing dark hair, leads a band of stealthy green clad men through the forests bordering Mordor to help win an unforeseen victory for Gondor?
Frodo: Well, in a word, yes.
Sam: (whispering) Careful, Mr. Frodo, he’s one of them large folk an’ they ain’t t’ be trusted no further than I can toss m’ol’ Gaffer.
Frodo: But he’s supposed to be different! Why, in the book he…
Faramir: (Laughing loudly) The BOOK! Who in the name of the Silmarils read the book!? Look at me! The script writers have made me bold, quick to act, muscular and very masculine indeed! Heck, I even have cool black hair instead of being some ditzy blonde!
Frodo: (confused) So… it was you who…
Faramir: Yes! It was I who stole Boromir’s favorite Viking helmet!! We use it for the Loo out back. And…
Frodo: “And?”
Faramir: Yes… ‘And’. AND, I replaced his lucky horn with one that called enemies to his side, rather than friends!
Frodo: (gasp!)
Faramir: Right! Now, give me that Ring or I’ll take you to a battle you weren’t supposed to be at just so we can show those cool flying dudes dressed in black who screech like nails on a blackboard!
Sam: Like squeaky hinges, Sir… if you don’t mind me sayin’ so.
Faramir: What was that?
Sam: Squeaky hinges Sir. Them Black Riders sound like squeaky hinges more than nails on a blackboard, if you take my meanin’. In the book they had human voices, but HERE they squeak like hinges.
Frodo: “Here” Sam?
Sam: Yes, Mr. Frodo. Here… in th’ movie.
Faramir: Fine Sam, squeaky hinges it is.
Smeagol: Nazgulsessss. Hssss. Hinges they isss. Yes, hinges… But we has no hinges in our hole in the middle of the pond under the center of the mountainsesss… No no nice hinges… only fish boneses. Fish boneses and goblin boneses! Gollum!
Sam: Gollum! Shut your cake hole before I shut it for you!
Smeagol: (hissing) Cakeses he says! Nassty smelly cakeses! Chokes poor Smeagol. Yes, chokes him right upses! Gollum! Give poor Smeagol fishes, nice wet cold fishesses.
Sam: Oh… forget it.
Frodo: Movie?
Faramir: YES you dolt! You’re in a MOVIE. That’s why you’re not as bright as you were in the book. That’s why Bree looks like it’s in the Shire. That’s why Fatty Bolger never got the wits scared out of him in Buckland and that’s why Fangorn never fed Pippin and Merry. There is no farmer Maggot beyond an obscure reference, no Old Forest, none of that exists here in the MOVIE!
Frodo: Oh, I get it! We’re in a movie! (Faramir slaps himself in the forehead) So since I’m not as bright as I am in the book, I never figured out I was in the movie, so I thought I was in the book! … but, this is a movie. … on film.
Faramir: Bingo!
Frodo: So, if I keep the Ring, you’ll take me to a battle where I can act all stressed out when the Black Riders…
Faramir: Black Rider… only one.
Frodo: Okay, so I can act all stressed out when the Black RIDER shows up looking for the Ring!
Faramir: Precisely.
Frodo: Is he going to be on one of those flying dragon dinosaur special effects things?
Faramir: It can be assumed so.
Frodo: Do I get to roll my eyes, look all woozie and maybe even faint?
Faramir: If you like, it’s your scene.
Frodo: Cool! Let’s do it!
Faramir: So, you’re not going to give me the Ring as I demand?
Frodo: Not unless you can hook me up with some elf chick like Aragorn has!
Faramir: Keep the Ring… it’ll be easier for you to get into Mordor than to get set up with an elf.
Sam: Told you so, Mr. Frodo.
Frodo: Shut up, Sam.
Smeagol: Nice Massster, shot down Massster. Poor Masster, Poor Smeagol. Nassty humansis, sstuck up elveses. Mean Sam! Yes Precious! Yes!
Monty Python and The Ring of Power
(with thanks to the script transciption by Adam R. Jones)
Scene 8
[cue Aragorn music]
[clop clop clop]
Aragorn
Halt!
[horn]
Hallo!
[pause]
Hallo!
Uruk-Hai Guard
Allo! Who is eet?
Aragorn
It is Aragorn, and these are my Knights of the Fellowship of the Ring. Whose tower is this?
Uruk-Hai Guard
This is the tower of my master, Saruman the White.
Aragorn
Go and tell your master that we have been charged by the Council of Elrond and the Valar with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest to destroy the Ring of Power.
Uruk-Hai Guard
Well, I’ll ask him, but I don’t think he’ll be very keen. Uh, he’s already got one, you see.
Aragorn
What?
Legolas
He says they’ve already got one!
Aragorn
Are you sure he’s got one?
Uruk-Hai Guard
Oh, yes. It’s very nice-a. (I tOld him we already got one.)
Uruk-Hai Guards
[chuckling]
Aragorn
Well, u-- um, can we come up and have a look?
Uruk-Hai Guard
Of course not! You are Gondor types-a!
Aragorn
Well, what are you, then?
Uruk-Hai Guard
I’m Uruk-Hai! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king-a?!
Legolas
What are you doing in the lands of Gondor?
Uruk-Hai Guard
Mind your own business!
Aragorn
If you will not show us the Ring of Power, we shall take your tower by force!
Uruk-Hai Guard
You don’t frighten us, Gondor pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so- called Aragorn King, you and all your silly Fellowship k-nnnnniggets. Thpppppt! Thppt! Thppt!
Legolas
What a strange person.
Aragorn
Now look here, my good Orc–
Uruk-Hai Guard
I don’t wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! You mother was a warg and your father smelt of pipeweed!
Legolas
Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
Uruk-Hai Guard
No, now, go away, or I shall taunt you a second time-a!
[sniff]
Aragorn
Now, this is your last chance. I’ve been more than reasonable.
Uruk-Hai Guard
(Fetchez la troll de caverne.)
OTHER Uruk-Hai Guard
Quoi?
Uruk-Hai Guard
(Fetchez la troll de caverne!)
[mooo - snort]
Aragorn
If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall–
[twong]
[mooooooo - rowwwwwrrrr]
By the Valar!
Fellowship
Great Gandalf’s beard!
[thud]
Ah! Ohh!
Aragorn
Right! Charge!
Fellowship
Charge!
[mayhem]
Uruk-Hai Guard
Hey, this one is for your mother! There you go.
[mayhem]
Uruk-Hai Guard
And this one’s for your dad!
Aragorn
Run away!
Fellowship
Run away!
Uruk-Hai Guard
Thppppt!
Uruk-Hai Guards
[taunting]
Gimli
Fiends! I’ll tear them apart!
Aragorn
No, no. No, no.
Frodo
Sir! I have a plan, Sir.
[later]
[wind]
[saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw]
[clunk]
[bang]
[rewr!]
[squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak]
[rrrr rrrr rrrr]
[drilllll]
[sawwwww]
[clunk]
[crash]
[clang]
[squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak…]
[creak]
Uruk-Hai Guards
[whispering] C’est un mearas, mearas de bois. Quoi? Un cadeau. What? A present. Oh, un cadeau. Oui, oui. Hurry. What? Let’s go. Oh. On y va. Bon magne. Over here…
[squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak…]
[clllank]
Aragorn
What happens now?
Frodo
Well, now, uh, Legolas, Gimli, and I, uh, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the mearas, taking the Uruk- Hai, uh, by surprise. Not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!
Aragorn
Who leaps out?
Frodo
U-- u-- uh, Legolas, Gimli, and I, uh, leap out of the mearas, uh, and uh…
Aragorn
Ohh.
Frodo
Oh. Um, l-- look, i-- i-- if we built this large wooden oliphaunt–
[clank]
[twong]
Aragorn
Run away!
Fellowship
Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away!
[CRASH]
Uruk-Hai Guards
Oh, haw haw haw haw! Haw! Haw haw heh…
Coming Soon to a Theatre Near YOU!
THE RETURN OF THE USUAL SUSPECTS
(tagline) Who is Keyser Sauron?
(I’m working on an actual parody, too)
thi6
In case this thread was not absurd enough…
Gandalf: I believe you received a package from your uncle…
Frodo: [looking paranoid] Hey man, close the door! [He closes the door and pulls the curtains shut. Then he hands his pipe to Gandalf.]
Gandalf: But I have come to you about a most urgent matter.
Frodo: Sure, man, just try this stuff “my uncle” sent to me. Then we’ll talk, like, okay?
[Six hours later…]
Gandalf: Wow. Some shit.
Frodo: Hey man, why’d you come see me in the first place?
Gandalf: Uh…Uh…
Frodo: Uh what?
Gandalf: Did you just ask me a question?
Frodo: I dunno man…what did I ask you?
Gandalf: Hmmm. Is it too late to find some food in this town?
Sadly, I must agree with your assessment. Sigh. “The Two Towers” is a fabulous film. One of the best films I’ve ever seen. Epic. Stirring Wonderful. It’s just a pity that it has very little to do with “The Two Towers.” In short–a great film, not a great Lord of the Rings film. Sigh.
Somewhat eagerly awaiting the next installment…will it be “Return of the Author” or “Return of the Director’s 12-Year-Old Inner Child?”
Respectfully submitted,
KathleenTheCritic
Gotta go to Kmart and get some underwear… Only get my underwear at Kmart.
My first attempt at a limerick.
“The chasm’s so deep, can we bridge it?”
The young Hobbits were rapt—none would fidget.
That’s how Sam told the story
of their Middle-Earth glory
and how “Frodo’s now missing a digit.”
Respectfully submitted,
KathleenTheCritic
Sonnett XVII
I do not love you as if you were a diamond ring, a ruby
or green sapphire throwing rays of light
I love you as certain dark things are loved
in secret, between obsession and death
I love you like the Uruk-hai love Saruman
carrying in themselves the hatred of light
and, consumed by your power, a fierce obsession
rises from the depths to take hold of my soul
I love you no matter how you were made, or why, or by whom
I love you completely, without doubt that your maker is proud
I love you, and know no other way than this
That we cannot be anything other than one
So close, that my hand upon wearing you is no longer my own
So close, that when your Eye burns, I feel the fire
-Pablo Neruda
(with profuse apologies to the master poet himself)
Once upon a miday cheery, while I smoked, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore–
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
" 'Tis some visitor," I muttered, “tapping at my chamber door–
Only this and more of a bore”
Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the dragons chamber,
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; – vainly I had sought to borrow
The one ring of sorrow-- sorrow for the loss of Bilbo–
For the rare and radiant hobbit whom the wizards name Bilbo–
Nameless here for evermore.
And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me-- filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating:
" 'Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door–
Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door;
This it is and nothing more."
Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
“Sir,” said I, “or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came tapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you”–here I opened wide the door;–
Gandalf there and nothing more.
Deep into that wizard peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no hobbits ever dared to dream before;
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, “hello
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, Òhello”–
Merely this and nothing more.
-Edgar Allen Bilbo
Excellent, I can count on one hand the people I’ve encountered that remember McBragg. However, it wasn’t Rocky and Bullwinkle, was it?, I thought it was the Underdog/Tennessee Tuxedo & Chumley crew that made Col. McBragg.
Glad someone did a Pablo Neruda, and, Amy, I completely agree about The Two Towers. The first film was so about perfectly done that I was surprised by the Hollywoodisms & liberties in Two Towers. There were still a couple of straight-from-my-imagination landscapes, though, and I loved the ents. But don’t know how they could trade the Gandalf-Saruman showdown at Orthanc for a peasant children subplot, or why they wouldn’t utilize what’s only the greatest cliffhanger of all time (the gates clanging behind Frodo, who has been taken by the Enemy).
Sorry for the off-topic rant.
Kolya, most of what you wish for is coming in ROTK. And just imagine if, after you finished the book of TTT, you had been forced to wait a year before having the cliffhanger resolved!
To keep this on-topic: Straight Outta Hobbiton!
(Can’t take credit/blame for it, though.)
ON either side the Shire lie
Long fields of barley and of rye,
That clothe the wold and meet the sky;
And thro’ the field the road runs by
To many-tower’d Rivendell
And up and down the hobbits go,
Gazing where the lilies blow
Round an island there below,
The island of Carmel
From ‘The Lady of Carmel’, by Lord Alfred Bagginson
Lodoss, anyone? I thought I heard a request- here is my pitiful attempt
Parn, Etoh, Slain, Ghim and Wood walked bravely over the boundary into Mordor.
ÒWait!Ó someone cried from behind them, it was Deedlit, the Elf maiden. Parn and her locked eyes in longing. ÒI wanted to tell you somethingÉÓ Parn knew she loved him, but their love was forbidden, she would live longer and has lived longer then he could even imagine. Their love was doomed.
Just then, Lord Asharam appeared as if from nowhere.
ÒIÕve got you now!Ó he said as he grabbed Deeds surprised body. ÒSaroun will be so pleased, the Ring of Domination is almost in our grasp!Ó
ÒLet her go!Ó Parn yelled and covered the distance between them.
ÒParn no!Ó Slayn cried out.
ÒAh, let the kid go.Ó Wood said coolly.
ÒYou would say that, you lazy self-righteous thieve." Etoh blamed ".Who will save Deedlit?Ó
ÒWho cares about the stupid elves anyway?Ó Ghim growled.
ÒNow, now children.Ó Slayn tried to sooth, just as Parn got into a sword fight with Asharam. The two fought aimlessly, but ParnÕs wild attacks were no match for Asharam’s swordplay and skill. Asharam toyed with Parn, as his fellowship argued, but soon got bored. Parn was cut down. Asharam took Deedlit and with the help of Sauron they sacrificed Deed and won the Ring of Domination.
The End
Hi! I am a new member, attracted over from the Europa forum when someone posted a link to this page. Very impressive indeed! You people should all pat youselves on the back for creativity.
Anyway, I admit I have not read all 28 pages, so forgive me if this has been done before.
Here is my little effort:
What if Sauron hired OJ Simpson lawyer Johnnie Cochran?
(an extract from the summation to the Jury)
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my client - the so-called “Dark Lord” Sauron, as the press has branded him - is entirely innocent of the charges of mass murder of which he stands accused.
There has been a vicious and racially-motivated conspiracy among the “fellowship of the Ring” (as they call themselves) to persecute my client. The evidence has demonstrated conclusively that they are totally motivated by self-interest and thus uninterested in the truth. Just consider two things if you will - who is this so-called “fellowship”? A bunch of self-appointed do-gooders, like they claim? Ha! One of them has, as a result of their “do-gooding”, ended up as King of Gondor! How very convenient - for them. And how sad that so very many people had to die for him to achieve this no-doubt praiseworthy goal … harmless Orcs and Goblins carrying out their folkways “eliminated” so that Aragorn could sieze the crown! How Democratic!
And consider the terms of abuse they have heaped on my client. Even in public they call him the “Dark” Lord. Is there, in these lilly-white Numenorians and Elves, perhaps a hint of racial prejudice in this smear? Consider how important they think having “pure blood” is! Could it be that Sauron’s real crime is that as a “dark” being, he has dared to challenge the rather offensive racial hegemony of middle-earth? Remember that his greatest enemy was called Gandalf “The White”!
However, Gandalf and Aragorn are not on trial here [glowers to indicate that perhaps they should be]; nor is the so-called “fellowship”, although even the very name reeks of conspiracy. My client is.
As I have indicated all along, the prosecution’s case depends entirely on whether or not my client was the former owner of the so-called “ring of power”, and committed his alleged crimes in order to get it back. But we have all seen that this cannot possibly be the case! My client is a wraith (although the correct term is “corporially challenged”). He has no fingers at all! He cannot possibly have been the wearer of the ring! Even if he was at one time (which has not been proven), he certainly cannot be now. There goes the whole motivation for his alleged “crimes”.
If you remember one thing from the evidence, remember this: “if the Ring doesn’t fit, you must acquit”.
New here. Absolutely love this thread, but havn’t had the time to read all of it. I’m not sure if these have been done before, but I’d LOVE to see an Engrish version of LotR or a version melding the beginning of The Fellowship of the Ring with the story of the Zelda game “A Link To The Past.”
Have read over 20 pages so far and there’s no Lord Buckley rant?
Have read over 20 pages so far and there’s no Lord Buckley rant?
Have read over 20 pages so far and there’s no Lord Buckley rant?