Fargonate (and all others who keep taking my ideas and posing them not all that long before I myself have almost finished writing exactly the same thing): Well done. =)
Capacitor,
Not a lot of interest, apparently.
Sorry if this is a very late addition to the thread, I don’t think this one’s been done yet. I’ve just been reading the book, and I thought that it “converts” to Lord of the Rings fairly well - any parts where it doesn’t quite fit are purely lack of imagination on my part.
War With The Ring - not by Karel Capek
Chapter One: The Strange Behaviour of Captain Boromir
If you were to look for the little area of Rivendell on the map, you would find it right on the river Loudwater, a bit to the west of the Misty Mountains; but if you were to ask Captain Boromir of Gondor what is this Imladris before which he has just come, he would curse for a while, and then tell you that it is the dirtiest hole in all Middle Earth, even worse than Mines of Moria and at least as damned as Mirkwood, or Angbad; that the only–I beg your pardon–man who lives there–not counting, of course, those lousy elves–is an immortal half-elven, a cross between an elf and a man, and a bigger thief, heathen, and swine than a pure elf and a pure man put together; and if there is anything damned in this world, then it is the damned life in this damned Rivendell, sir. At that you would naturally inquire why he had come here as if he intended to stay there three damned days; and he would snort irritably, and mutter something to the effect that the men of Gondor wouldn’t come here just for damned gold or even mithril, that’s common sense, and besides it’s nothing to do with you, sir; I have my damned orders, sir, and you’ll kindly mind your own business, sir. And he would curse vehemently and freely as is in keeping with an older but still for his age an active captain of Gondor.
But if instead of asking impertinent questions you let Captain Boromir growl and curse away to himself, you might discover more. Doesn’t his manner show that he wants to get something off his chest? Let him be, his temper will work itself off. “Well, look here, sir,” bursts out the captain. "Those fellers of ours there in Gondor, those damned people down there will get it into their heads, rings of power, they say, man, keep your eyes open for rings of power. They say
“Seek for the Sword that was broken:
In Imladris it dwells;
There shall be counsels taken
Stronger than Morgul-spells.
There shall be shown a token
That doom is near at hand,
For Isildur’s bane shall be waken,
And the Halfling forth shall stand.”
People are like mad for rings of power, they say, and all that." Here the captain expectorates indignantly. “Just so, to put time into searching for rings! that comes from people like you always wanting to have wars, or whatnot. Flight from mithril, that’s all it is. And that’s called the crisis, sir.” Captain Boromir hesitates a little, wondering if he oughtn’t to begin a discussion with you about problems of the coming war with Mordor; for in these days people don’t talk about anything else. Here, however, in front of Rivendell it’s too relaxing and enervating for that; and Captain Boromir waves his hand and mumbles: “You say rings! In Gondor, sir, they cleared up the whole lot thousands of years and an age ago; in Moria you’re not allowed to look for them. And so here we are, Captain Boromir, on the look-out for new fishing-grounds. Travel to those damned little places; maybe you’ll find whole lot of rings of power there.” The captain blows contemptuously into a sky-blue handkerchief. “Those rats in Gondor imagine that there’s something to be found here that nobody knows about yet! Elendil and Isildur, what mugs they are! It’s a wonder they don’t ask us to look into these halflings’ snouts to see if they’re not snivelling rings. New places! There’s a new brothel in Bree, yes, but new places? Sir, I know all these places here like the palm of my hand–from Dunland as far as that damned Grey Havens… if anybody thinks that he can still find something that he can make money out of, then good luck to him, sir! For years I’ve been around in these parts of the world, and now these fellers want me to discover something here!” Captain Boromir nearly chokes with this defiant statement. “Let them send some young ranger of Gondor here, he’ll find things that’ll make them blink their eyes; to ask someone who knows the place like Captain Boromir… You’ll grant that, sir. In Gondor, there you might still come across some odd thing; but here–don’t people come here just to sniff and nose out what can be devoured? and not even devoured, what can be bought and sold? Sir, if in the whole of the damned Arnor there was anything worth a brass farthing, three dwarves would be trying to get something out of it and signal with dirty handkerchiefs to people of all the races of Middle Earth to stop.”
Interesting choice,Kapek.
Holy crap! this thread is on the second page.
Well… now its not :D.
And just to put an air of legitimacy on this post: Yumblie Potato stew? eww…
What if Gollum hadn’t been so stupid as to fall over the edge once he had recovered the One Ring. Would this have become the national anthem of Middle Earth under Lord Gollum?
Gods bless our precioussss ring
Gods save our mighty ring
We loves our ring
We were victorious
Happy and full of fish
We offed the Bagginses
And Samwise too
The following could be a natonal anthem for Rohan. Either that, or the theme song for a long-running TV series.
(Tune: the theme from the old TV western, Rawhide)
Riding, riding, riding
Keep those horses moving
Though they’re disapproving
Keep those horses moving
Rohannnn!
My heart’s calculating
That Sauron will be waiting
Be waiting at the end of my ride
Ride ‘em on, move ‘em on
Hack ‘em down, run ‘em through
Slice their hearts, dice their guts
Rohan
Mow 'em down, stomp 'em down,
Chop their heads, bash their brains
Get the orcs
Yes get 'em all
Rohannn!
Page 40 comin’ up!
Ralph, that Rawhide! filk is great!
If you haven’t seen Momento - do it, it’s the best murder mystery movie in years! - and then this might make more sense:
LORD OF THE MOMENTO (Opening credits):
Gollum: Yaah-ah-ah-ah <sizzle>
- cut scene -
Gollum: Euw - what’s this cheap boney sausage I’m chewing on? Let me step back away from that short annoying bleeding guy, and admire - My - Precious!!!
- cut scene -
Frodo: Let go! And give that back! Also my finger!
Gollum: You fool! You’ll never break my grip. If I go in the Crack of Doom, so do you!
- cut scene -
Frodo: I claim this ring. And you Gollum can just bite me!
Gollum: Okay, stranger, whatever you say.
- cut scene -
If “Lord of the Rings” had been drawn by “Dilbert” cartoonist Scott Adams
(First panel: Filbert is sitting in his office cubicle. It’s tiny and narrow. There’s a Post-It note on the wall.)
FILBERT: I’m spending my life trapped in this tiny cubicle.
(Second panel:) I can’t stand this anymore! I have got to get out of here!
(Third panel: Filbert is in his Hobbit hole. It’s tiny and narrow. There’s a Post-It note on the wall.)
FILBERT: Ah, that’s better.
(At the office. Gandalf, the Pointy-Hatted Boss, rushes in urgently)
POINTY-HATTED BOSS: Filbert, quick! Put on your ring.
FILBERT: Huh? What’s wrong? (He dons the ring.)
POINTY-HATTED BOSS: I just needed to see what you looked like when you’re invisible. …
But now that you’ve disappeared, I can’t tell.
FILBERT: Oh. So you can’t see what I’m doing with my hand right now?
POINTY-HATTED BOSS: (With camera.) Filbert, I need to take your photo while you’re invisible.
The security guards need photos of all our invisible employees so they can recognize them when they come in.
FILBERT: (Exasperated) Don’t you realize that each time I wear this ring, it makes it easier for the Ringwraiths to track me down and slaughter me?
POINTY-HATTED BOSS: Is that a problem?
(Enter Ringwraith, disguised as a FedEx guy.) RINGWRAITH: Package for Mister, uh, Filbo?
(The Ringwraith has cornered Filbert.)
FILBERT: Okay, so the Ringwraith caught me. I suppose you’ll slaughter me now.
RINGWRAITH: I could. But I’m a consultant on this job. If I kill you, the job is over and I have to find another.
(Filbert and Ringwraith are walking down the street.)
RINGWRAITH: Know any good places to eat here? I’m sick of Hobbit food.
(Filbert and the Ringwraith are in a restaurant, smoking.)
FILBERT: This is some of the best pipe weed I’ve ever had.
RINGWRAITH: Take the rest of the pouch. I’m expensing it.
(Later, Ringwraith presents his expense report to Sauron.)
SAURON: I didn’t know they had hot tubs in the Mines of Moria.
RINGWRAITH: Believe me, the lap dance from a dwarf is not as fun as it sounds.
I’ve only seen a few of Stage One. Hopefully this turn out how it looks in my head… I’m no otaku, but I really like this series…
Initial Ring!
*The scene opens with a Skyline GTR in a full power slide down the twists and turns of Mt. Doom. The catchy J-Pop in the background is dark and foreboding, as is the scenery. The GTR is black, with midnite blue graphics of runes that are disturbing. There is a small series of elven skulls under the drivers window on the right hand side.
The car finishes it’s run and blasts into the night, pulling a small storm of dust and leaves behind it…*
cut scene
It’s the shire, with Frodo polishing his AE86 Trueno. Sam is there as well, moping.
Sam: I still can’t believe you went out with Galadriel! She’s so hot! I wish I could date her!
Frodo: It’s nothing really. I think she’s just interested in the car.
Sam: So what! You could date her, and you would gain a lot by being seen with a woman as hot as she is.
*Frodo looks at Sam with his calm, sad eyes. Sam shuts up.
Aragorn roars up in his Lancer Evo, the blow-off valve purging as he pulls into the driveway.*
Aragorn: Frodo! The racers from Mt. Doom are here, and they’re saying they can beat anyone in the shire. We need you to come, and bring your fathers car!
Aragorn pulls out and screams off, his exhaust disturbing the birds in the trees as he drives off.
Sam: Frodo! This is your chance! If you bring Galadriel to the race, everyone will be impressed with you and…
Frodo looks at Sam again, with his calm face.
Sam: … never mind. Can I come with you?
See if Frodo and his trusty Trueno can beat the powerhouse GTR of the Mt. Doom Dominators next time on…
INITIAL… RING!!
Inquiry…what’s J-Pop?
Answer: What J-Lo does when she wears something tooooo tight!
JApanese pop-music, usually (at least in the Initial D show) tends to be a combination of electronic music with 80’s guitar riffs thrown in.
Do a search on your favorite PtoP for “Initial D” videos or music. You’ll see what I mean.
I’m hoping a fan of LOTR and of Initial D can give me an appraisal. My earlier attempt sucked so bad…
I thought it had something to do with Japan but I wasn’t sure…thanks for the 411.
Here it comes! The movie sequel to the Lord of the Rings…
The ring wasn’t totally destroyed when it plunged into Mount Doom; it was only severely damaged. Now many years later, Sauron’s minyons are searching for it again, but it has fallen into the hands (or should we say: pocket) of a loveable if somewhat hyper kangaroo.
Frodo, returned from the western Elven Havens (Billy Crystal) joins Sam (Robert De niro), Strider( Alan Alda) and Arwen (Carol Channing) in a rollicking series of misadventures as they try to pry the ring loose from this recalcitrant mammal.:smack:
Hey,this is supposed to be a fun thread!Don’t spoil it by invoking “Kangaroo Jack”!
**If “Lord of the Rings” had been written by TheOnion.com.
Headlines**
Elvish woman considers getting pixie haircut.
Dwarf has, indeed, heard that short joke.
“Star Wars” fans trash LotR display.
“LotR” actor keeps casually mentioning the discussions of acting he had with John Gielgud.
Depressed roomate smoking a lot of pipe weed.
Black actor in “Lord of the Rings” insists he’s not a Tolkien.
Killing of Orc discussed loudly near table of young Hobbit chicks.
The Weakest Ring - hosted by Anne Robinson
Anne: Sam, what is kingsfoil?
Sam: thats a weed
Anne: Aragon,…
Aragon: BANK!
Anne: Times up, i cant complete that question. Well, Fellowship, in that round you banked a measly 300. Who is standing firm, and whose falling under the dark lord’s spell? Vote now
V/C: Statiscally Aragon is the strongest link, saying Frodo on numerous occasions, and having the chance to unite the forces of men. Boromir is the weakest link, seeking to take the ring by force. But how will the Fellowship vote.
Frodo: Boromir
Sam: Boromir
Gimili: Legolas
Legolas: Gimil
Aragon: Boromir
Boromir: Aragon
Merry: Boromir
Pippin: Boromir
Anne: So, Gimli, why Legolas
Gimli: i just fell hes letting us down, and he missed an easy shot in Moria.
Anne: not exactly prolific yourself, hmm.
Gimil: well i…
Anne: ENOUGH!, Frodo why Boromir
Frodo: well he keeps trying to attack me.
Anne: and you haven’t been putting the ring on have you?
Frodo: well thats different…
Anne: hmmm, always an excuse. Well boromir with 5 votes you are the weakest link, goodbye. You must fight Lurtz. On to round 3!