hmm…i give up, whose style is that? :wally
While we’re waiting for the answer to that one,let’s hear someone tackle LOTR in the style of Archie Comics.
If I may:
And Yumblie, that was freakin’ great!
Curse you, auto-login, you’ve foiled my posts for the last time!
laserkittys post above was mine. I assure you, my girlfriend has nothing to do with this thread.
I believe my brother, Black Knight, did a short portion of Waiting For Frodo… 
Now for a longer story, it’s Inspector Frodo! (parody of the cartoon series Inspector Gadget)
at Inspector Frodo’s house
Frodo is sitting in a hammock in his garden while Sam trims
Frodo: Ah, my day off! Rest and relaxation at last.
suddenly Gandalf pokes out of a hole in a tree
Gandalf: Frodo!
Frodo: Ah! Chief! What are you doing here?
Gandalf: Frodo, I have an emergency mission for you. gives Frodo a roll of paper, wrapped in a gold Ring
Frodo: (reading the paper) One Ring of Sauron discovered. It must be destroyed in the cracks of Mount Doom. A white wizard
has recently been employed by Sauron, and also be on the look-out for Sauron’s agents, who will try to take the Ring. This
message will self destruct. (stops reading) But it’s my day off, chief!
Gandalf: Stop calling me chief! And this is a real emergency. The fate of the world is at stake.
Frodo: Well, chief, vacation or no vacation, I’m always on duty! tosses the paper into the hole
Gandalf: Oh no!!!
explosion
Frodo: Sam, I have a very special mission right now. So you stay here with Bill and keep watch over the house.
Frodo walks off
Sam: Did you hear that, Bill? Ring of Sauron…wow. This sounds like heavy stuff. I think we should keep an eye on him.
Bill: Neeeeigh!
cut to Frodo walking in the woods
Frodo: So, this Ring is the source of Sauron’s power, huh? Looks pretty harmless. I wonder…if I should try it on…
Frodo is suddenly approached by a Black Rider on a horse
Frodo: Oh, hello good sir! I’m looking for Mordor! Do you know the way?
Black Rider: Why certainly, heh heh. Right this way, Frodo. Here, I even have a horse you can ride.
Frodo: These country folk are so nice.
Black Rider takes out a circular orb
interior of Sauron’s lair, we see a huge chair and a video screen
Sauron: Do you have the Ring?
Black Rider: Yes, Sauron. I’m leading that fool Frodo right into Mordor! The Ring will be yours for the taking.
Sauron: Good work. Hehehahah. Soon I’ll have the Ring and Frodo will be eliminated!
back to the woods
Frodo: So anyway, I have to throw the Ring into the lava pit to destroy it.
Black Rider: Oh yes, we know all about the Ring. I’ll take you a friend of mine, Saruman, who will help you.
Sam and Bill are hiding in the bushes along the path
Sam: Bill! I think that guy is a Sauron Agent! Keep an eye on Frodo, while I try and find out more information about this
Saruman.
Bill: Neigh!
At Saruman’s castle, Saruman is talking to a little orb
Saruman: Yes Sauron. Frodo should be coming this way very soon. We’ve got a little treat set up for him! Heheheh.
Saruman turns to his Orc army outside
Saruman: Do you have the dam set up?
Orc: Yes, Saruman. Once Frodo walks by, we’ll burst the dam and drown him!
Saruman: Excellent. The Ring is as good as ours!
Frodo and the Black Rider are walking through a forest
Black Rider: Be careful, this forest is known to have elves in it. They won’t want us trespassing.
Frodo: Don’t worry, I’m an expert at dealing with elves.
Bill, in the bushes, watches over them. Suddenly, an arrow is pointing at his head
Bill: Neigh???
Bill is surrounded by elves
Elf: Who dares walk in the woods of the Lady!
Bill: Neigh! runs away
Elf: After him!
*the elves give chase, into an elven city. Bill loses the elfs, and comes across a white elven cloak, and puts it on. With
his disguise he’s able to escape*
Meanwhile, Sam is in front of Saruman’s fortress
Sam: Hmm…how to get in. There must be a way. Ah, here we go.
Sam creeps through the fortress and comes across two Orcs talking
Orc1: One of the orcs had to quit post, so go fill in for him.
Orc2: What do I have to do?
Orc1: When Saruman gives the signal, we burst the dam, drowning Frodo and getting the Ring!
Orc2: Ah
Sam: Gasp! Oh no! takes out an orb Bill! Bill!
back to Bill
Bill: Neigh?
Sam: Saruman’s planning to burst the dam and drown Frodo! You have to stop them!
Bill: Neigh!
back to Sam
Orc1: Ah, what have we here! A spy!
Sam: Oh!
back with Frodo
Black Rider: Ah, we’re almost to Saruman’s tower.
Frodo: The sooner the better!
Bill sees the orcs burst the dam, and gushing water comes down the gulch
Bill: Neigh!!!
Bill jumps in front of Frodo and the Black Rider
Frodo: Hey, that guy’s in a white cloak. It’s the white wizard! Sir, you’re under arrest!
Bill: Neigh! runs away
Frodo: Come back here! kicks his horse, sending it speeding off Wowsers! Whoaaaa…
Black Rider: What! Hey, come back here! chases after Frodo
the gush of water just misses Frodo and washes away the Black Rider
Black Rider: Arrgh!!
Saruman: No! That stupid Frodo!
Sauron calls up Saruman on the orb
Saruman: Sauron! Uh…hi!
Sauron: Did you get Frodo?
Saruman: Well, er, I guess we missed a few calculations, and we…
Sauron: Fool! Frodo is getting too close! I want him eliminated!!
Saruman: Y-y-yes sir! orb shuts off Guard, relay a message to our head spy Gollum, and tell him that Frodo is on Mount
Doom and must be stopped!
Orc: Yes sir.
Frodo is riding up Mt Doom
Frodo: Drat. Lost him. Oh well, I have to dispose of the Ring.
Gollum appears
Gollum: Hello there, sssssir…
Frodo: Ah, a local. Sir, do you know the way to the crack of Doom?
Gollum: Yessss. I will guide you. Would you like me to carry the precioussss for you?
Frodo: Huh?
Gollum: The ring…
Frodo: Oh, of course. If you want.
as Frodo is handing the Ring to Gollum, suddenly Bill comes out of nowhere and grabs it
Gollum: Hey!
Frodo: Hey! It’s that white wizard again! Come back here!
Bill: Neigh!!! runs towards the crack of Doom
Gollum: Come back with the preciousssss!
they runs inside the crater
Frodo: Aha, you’re trapped! Now I’ve got you!
GOllum: Noooo!! leaps at Bill
Bill and Gollum wrestle over the Ring
Frodo: Go go Frodo arms! Frodo’s arms stretch to grab the Ring, but he accidentally pushes Gollum and the Ring in
Gollum: Nooooooooooooo!
Bill: Neigh! runs off past Frodo
Frodo: You! Get back here with the Ring!!!
back at Saruman’s fort, everything is collapsing due to the lack of Saruman’s power
Saruman: Argh! Noooooo!!
In a cell
Sam: I have to get out of here!
debris collapse and reveal a way out
Sam escapes just as the tower collapses
back at the Crack of Doom, Frodo runs out and meets up with Gandalf
Gandalf: Frodo! You destroyed the Ring! Well done!
Frodo: Er, uh? Oh yeah chief, it was nothing.
Sauron views this through his orb
Sauron: Curse you, Frodo! Curse you!!! I’ll get you next time Frodo, next tiiiiime!!
EPILOGUE: back at Frodo’s hobbit hole
Frodo: Man, I’m starved. I didn’t eat anything that whole journey. Oh, I don’t feel so good.
Sam: Mr Frodo, you really should have brought food with you.
Frodo: Yes Sam, food is important for long trips, because without food to eat you become weak physically and mentally, which
can lead to malnutrition and other harmful ailments.
Bill: Neigh!
Sam: More potato stew?
Frodo:
What?
Sam: PO-TA-TOES.
all laugh, camera zooms out
Books that I think are on my shelf:
The Mists of Valinor by Marion Zimmer Bradley.
Atarindor (Sindarin: Fatherland) by Robert Harris. The Forth Age 138 and Sauron prepares to celbrate his victory and the 5000th anniversary of the forging of the ring…
Guy Gavriel Kay? No, he’s already done one: The Silmarillion 
…And while Robert Jordan’s 13 book The of Ring Time continues to divide critics it his son Christopher Jordan with his 47 volume work, The History of the Peoples of the Land, that causes the most arguments…
You asked for it…you got it…
Frame 1: the Rivendell Malt Shop. Aragorn (Archie) and Arwen (Betty) are enjoying a malted (one malted, 2 straws)…
Aragorn: Arwen, are you going to come to hear our band play tonight?
Arwen: Of course, Aragorn! I love to hear you play.
Frame 2: Legolas (Jughead) enters and comes over to sit with them in their booth…
Legolas: Hi guys! Have you seen Gimli?
Aragorn: No, not for awhile.
Frame 3: Four “kids” (Frodo, Sam, Merry & Pippin) pass by outside the plate glass window, looking very depressed.
Arwen: Gee, I wonder what’s got them so upset?
Aragorn: Dunno.
Legolas (not looking in the right direction): Who?
Frame 4: Elrond drives past the diner in his 50s-style automobile.
Arwen: Uh oh, Daddy’s on his way home. I better go.
Aragorn: But you will come to hear us play tonight?
Legolas: Are we playing tonight?
(and so on…)
Muy bien!
Dramatis Personae:
King Aragorn II Gandalf and Saruman, Wizards
Arwen, an Elvish Princess Elrond and Galadriel, Elvish Ringbearers
Sauron, a Dark Lord
Frodo Baggins, a RingBearer Boromir and Faramir, Men of Gondor
Samwise, a Gardener
Bilbo, uncle to the RingBearer
Gimli, son of Gloin, a Dwarf
Meriadoc and Peregrin, Hobbits Legolas, an Elf
Theoden, King of Rohan Elendil, a King of old
Eowyn, daughter to Theoden Isildur, Elendil’s son
Tom Bombadil, a Jester
The Nazgul, still more Kings
The Balrog, a Monster
Bill, a Pony
Scene - Mordor
Enter Sauron
Sau. O! For an Eye of fire, that would ascend
The lofty Barad-Dur of penetration;
Middle-Earth for a stage, Nazgul to act
And monarchs to behold the swelling scene.
Then should the tiny Frodo, like himself,
Assume the port of Sysyphus, and at his heels,
leash’d in like hounds should Hobbit, Elf and Dwarf
Crouch for employment…
…For 'tis Peter Jackson now must deck our things,
Carry them here and there, jumping o’er scenes,
Turning the accomplishments of many pages
Into an hour-glass; for the which supply,
Admit me Prologue to this history;
Who, narrator-like your patience long to see,
Gently compare, unto the books, our movie!
[Exit]
ACT I
Scene I - The Slopes of Mount Doom
Enter Elendil, Isildur and Elrond, with swords
Elro. Once more unto the breech, dear friends, once more;
Or close the Crack of Doom with Elvish dead!
In peace, there’s nothing so becomes an Elf
As modest poetry and song:
But when the Horn of Gondor blows in our pointy ears,
Then imitate the action of the Dragon!
Elen. For there is not one of you so mean and base
That hath not noble lustre in his eyes.
I see you stand like Hobbits at a buffet;
Chomping at the bit. The game’s afoot;
Follow your spirit; and, upon this Tor
Cry “Elves! Dwarves! And Men of Numenor!”
[Exeunt. Alarums and clashing]
Scene II - The same
Enter Sauron, Elendil, Isildur and Orcs
Sau. What? Come to take my ring?
Base is the blood of Numenor and weak
As broth wherein no gristle floats;
Lay on, Elendil! [Cuts and stabs]
Elen. O! I am undone! [dies]
Isil. Fell Sauron, thou Dark Lord of Barad-dur!
My father hast thou slain; so this I vow:
What vengeance I may wreak, I swear I shall,
Or at the very least, I’ll have your hand! [scoops up Narsil and cuts Sauron’s hand off]
Sau. O! I am undone, too! [explodes]
[Enter Elrond]
Isil. Is this a Ring of Power I see before me,
The writing etch’d in flame? Come, let me
Clutch thee: I have thee now, but Elrond sees me still.
Elro. Cast it into the fire!
Isil. Not for all the world would I this Ring forsake
But as my father’s blood-price, this I’ll take. [exit]
Elro. ISILDUR! [exit]
(With apologies to the Bard… Jay)
Can’t believe no one’s posted this yet: Lord of the Rings by Dave Barry.
I’m a little surprised myself.
When I read that this morning I wondered if he’d heard about this thread. Not impossible, word about it has spread fairly wide and he’s by all accounts “tuned in”. Not to suggest he couldn’t’ve thought of doing something like this all on his own, of course!
Frodo is off on a quest through Mordor to Mount Doom. To get there, he has to pass through Sauron’s armies, massing for the final battle. He’s finding it hard to pick his was with all these giants, orcs, and goblins in the way. Can you spot Frodo, Sam, Gollum, and the Wizard Greyhame? Can you also spot the Nine Nazgul, the three rings of the elves, the one ring to rule them?
(huge image of the Dark Lord’s army, all with red-and-white stripey shirts and bobble hats)
PS
Loved the One Happiness Fun Hoop Of Nightbird Power. Hee hee hee.
great thread
Fish beat me to this but I post mine anyway
Excerpt from “The Golden Ring” by sir Arthur Conan Doyle
“Let’s have a look at this ring of your uncle Bilbos said Gandalf, lighting his pipe. Observe it closely, and see what you can deduce about its previous owners.”
I held the ring in my hand.
“It is a plain ring, gold I don’t doubt, and strangely heavy. It seems like a beautiful and precious heirloom to me.”
“Do you see any scratches or markings of any kind ?”
“None whatsoever, it is perfectly unmarked, this ring won’t give up its secrets easily.”
“Maybe so” said Gandalf and with a swift flick of his deft hand he threw the ring into the fireplace. I gave a startled shout.
“Don’t worry my dear Baggins your small fire would not even melt ordinary gold, let alone this ring” said he and leaned back in his chair with a contented expression: “Now, we wait.”
I marveled at the intellectual capacity of my friend. Knowing 20 different species of leaf by the ashes alone was the least of his art, apparently he was also well-versed in the arcane ring-lore.
When after a few minutes he took the ring out of the fire and dropped it in my hand, it was still cool to the touch, but now faint lines of spidery writing could be seen on the hitherto unmarked surface.
“Something is written here but what is I cannot see. The letters are elvish but the language is unknown to me.”
“Let me see” said my friend and scrutinized the ring intensely.
“The language is that of Mordor, which will not utter here for fear of offending your landlady. What it says in plain english is this:
One ring to rule them all
One ring to find them
One ring to bring them all
And in the darkness bind them”
My heart froze at these sinister words, but to me they gave no clear meaning.
“How do you read this riddle ?” I asked my friend apprehensively
“Well these words are but part of a longer rhyme long known in ringlore, and they clearly mark your uncle’s ring as one of the great rings of power:
Three for the elven kings under the sky
Seven for the dwarf lords in their hallls of stone
Nine for mortal men, doomed to die
One for the dark lord on his dark throne
In the land of Mordor where the shadows lie
One ring to rule them all
One ring to find them
One ring to bring them all
And in the darkness bind them
In the land of Mordor where the shadows lie.
Now knowing as we do the whereabouts of the three elven rings. Knowing that the dwarf-rings are alll accounted for and knowing also the keepers of the nine rings given to humans, what ring could this be, other than the one ring forged by Sauron long ago and lost? Presuming that the writing in the black speech is not proof enough, this reasoning should convince you beyond doubt that I am right. Your uncle Bilbo’s ring is indeed the Ruling Ring.”
Gandalf re-lit his pipe with a satisfied smile:
“Really, my dear Baggins, it is elementary.”
LOTR,telegram style:
IN MORDOR–STOP
HAVE THROWN RING IN FIRES–STOP
WISH THESE ORC ATTACKS WOULD–STOP
One funny thought, while talking with my brother, we thought a South Park the Movie version’d be kindy funny… the song “What would Brian Boytano(sp?) Do?” would instead be “What would Bill the Pony do?”… I’d think Kenny’d be Gandalf since he dies and comes back so often… I also had one other thought I’m working on which I hope to post here later… heehee …
I’m surprised after 30+ pages that nobody has mentioned this one:
I’m a little hobbit
Short and stout
Here is my one ring
Evil without a doubt
When I get all pumped up
Then I shout:
“Just get me to Mordor
To throw the cursed thing out!”
I can’t take credit for that one; I stumbled across it on the net a year ago and promptly memorized it. It seems to me that there should be some actions or hand motions to go along with that one, but I unfortunately don’t know of any (and haven’t come up with any myself).
This one, though, is my own creation… what if it had been written by Phil Vischer and Mike Nawrocki, creators of VeggieTales?
The Precious Song
Narrator: “And now it’s time for Silly Songs with Gollum, the part of the show where Gollum comes out and sings a silly song. Our curtain opens as Gollum, having just finished his morning bath, is searching for his precious. Having no success, Gollum cries out…”
Gollum: “Oh where is my precious? Oh where is my precious? Oh where, oh where, oh where, oh where, oh where, oh where, oh where, oh where, oh where… is my precious?”
Narrator: “Having heard his cry, a goblin enters the scene. Shocked and slightly embarrassed at the sight of Gollum in a towel, the goblin regains his composure and reports…”
Goblin: “I think I saw your precious back there!”
Gollum: “Back there is my precious. Back there is my precious. Back there, back there, oh where, back there, oh where, oh where, back there, back there, back there… is my precious!”
Narrator: “Having heard his joyous proclamation, Gandalf the Grey enters the scene. Shocked and slightly embarrassed at the sight of Gollum in a towel, Gandalf regains his composure and comments…”
Gandalf: “Why do you need your precious? You don’t have any flair!”
Narrator: “Gollum is taken aback. The thought had never occurred to him. No flair? What would this mean? What will become of him? What will become of his precious? Gollum wonders…”
Gollum: “No flair for my precious. No flair for my precious. No flair, no flair, no where, no flair, no flair, no flair, no flair, no where, back there, no flair… for my precious!”
Narrator: “Having heard his wonderings, Bilbo Baggins enters the scene. Shocked and slightly embarrassed at the sight of Gollum in a towel, Bilbo regains his composure and confesses…”
Bilbo: “Gollum, that old precious of yours, well, you never use it. You don’t really need it, so, well, I’m sorry, I didn’t know. But I gave it to Frodo - 'cause he’s got flair!”
Narrator: “Feeling a deep sense of loss, Gollum stumbles back and laments…”
Gollum: “Not fair, Oh my precious. Not fair, my poor precious. Not fair, not fair, no flair, not fair, no where, no flair, not fair, not fair, not fair… my little precious!”
Narrator: “Having heard his lament, Frodo enters the scene. Himself in a towel, both Gollum and Frodo are shocked and slightly embarrassed at the sight of… each other! But recognizing Gollum’s generosity, Frodo is thankful…”
Frodo: “Thanks for the precious.”
Narrator: “Yes, good has been done here. Frodo exits the scene. Gollum smiles, but, still feeling an emotional attachment for his precious, calls out…”
Gollum: “Take care of my precious. Take care, oh my precious. Take care, take care, don’t dare not care, take care, nice flair, no fair, take care, take care… of my precious!”
Narrator: “The end!”
"By that time Legolas tapped me from behind
he said it was time to blow, ya know.
So down from the Emyn Muil we go.
Back to the trail with Gimli just alive; off we drive
I hurt my lower lumbar,
you know we’ll never get far,
Chasing after that Uruk-hai scum
And Saruman’s a bum
But we running full tilt
‘cause we’re sufferin’ guilt
about little Frodo
shoulda never let him go
Runnin’ around tracking orcs
All whacked off with elven snacks …"
Excerpt from “Forth the three hunters (schmoove version)”
by Huey Morgan
Wow!! We could make a book out of this thread.