I’m still waiting for the “Soylent Green” version.
The One Ring is made of people!!
gee, you’d think that’d make the engraving difficult…
Good one,Trancer!
Sung to the tune of “Sk8er Boi” by Avril Lavigne:
He was a jerk
It was a ring
Can I make it any more obvious?
He was evil
More so each day
What more can I say?
He wanted it
It changed its mind
Ran away, better places to find
Isildur was a fake
Wound up in the lake
Oh, why did it leave Sauron?
He was a hater lord
It said see ya later lord
He wasn’t good enough for it
But turns out Isildur was wrong
Stayed in the water for a long
Time before somebody took it for a bit….
3,000 years from now
He sits at home
Watching the palantir, he’s all alone
Saruman goes ‘ring-a-ling
Nearly smashes the thing
A hobbit’s got hold of the ring!
Well he’s not dim
Tries to kill him
Too late, the Fellowship’s already made
Sends Uruk-Hai
Even Ringwraiths that can fly
Nope, Frodo decides he ain’t gonna die
He was a hater lord
It said see ya later lord
He wasn’t good enough for it
Now it’s headed to be unmade
And no Uruk-Hai raid
Is gonna stop the hobbits now
Sorry lord but you missed out
Well tough luck that ring’s mine now
In Mount Doom it can’t be mended
This is how the story’s ended
Too bad that you couldn’t see
See the hobbit Frodo could be
And he’s got Sam to help him out
They’re gonna destroy it, you lout
He’s just a hobbit
And it’s just a ring
Can I make it any more obvious?
He’s gonna melt it
Gotta take what you dealt, it
Ain’t yours to use anymore
It was a ring of power
He’s gonna destroy it now, or
Die while he’s trying
His finger goes in the pit
Bilbo’s gonna have a fit
And with it Gollum’s frying
And yes, the lyrics are a little fudgy, but so are Avril’s.
One thing I’d love to see, for those posts that can be specifically located along the Tolkien timeline, is all of the entries put into chronological/storyline order. Then we could truly read the LotR as written by a host of authors & artists…
I’m sure that would require a small army of editors, though…
Funny you’d mention that, because…
I drew Legolas the sk8er elf.
http://www.evanescentangst.net/gallery/legoskate2.jpg
Schwag was also requested, and put up.
-Mel
Author unknown
This is sung to the tune of “Hurray for Captain Spaulding”, Groucho Marx’ song from Animal Crackers, later acknowledged to be Groucho’s signature tune.
Hooray for Frodo Baggins
The Middle-Earth explorer!
“I just got back from Mordor!”
Hooray, hooray, hooray!
He went to Sauron’s castle,
But there he did not linger
“I lost my little finger!”
Hooray, hooray, hooray!
Chorus:
‘Twas he who closed the door on
The evil age of Sauron
So don’t call him a moron-
“Hey, hey!”
With elves and trees and Samwise,
He fought at Barad-Duin
“It almost was my ruin!”
Hooray, hooray, hooray!
We’ll sing his praises loudly,
For Frodo is our hero.
“I’d rather have some bheer-o!”
Hooray, hooray, hooray!
Chorus
Hooray for Frodo Baggins
The Middle-Earth explorer
He did his thing
Destroyed the Ring
And that is why we sing:
Hooray, hooray, hooray! Hooray!
It has probably been done, but here’s a go at Frank Herbert:
Frodo smiled inwardly at himself as he felt the soft draft of air on the soft fur of his feet. “Greetings Gandalf–”, he started.
“Frodo, what have I told you” the reproachful voice said from behind. Frodo detected the faint implied chuckle in the old man’s words.
“I know. I’ve been sitting with my back to the door again.” Frodo turned in his chair, hands smoothing the rich Shire silk of his tunic. “I could tell it was you by the clunking of your staff in the hallway”
Gandalf permitted himself a stern scowl, then brightened. “Staff clunks could be imitated, the swish of my cloak could be feigned, I could easily have been a Mordorran guild assassin. Now, how are your studies coming?” The boy was wise beyond his years already. A man in composure and bearing…yet still sheltered and naive, a boy-hobbit within. So much like his father in that…
“Fascinating. Do you realize that the wastes of the east are patrolled by the great Oliphaunts?” * Mordor…Black Land…ruined wastes…*
“Aye.” Gandalf fingered the scar on his cheek, left years ago by the firevine whip of a balrog. “And I’ve heard many tales of the Easterlings”
“Easterlings…it is said that they ride the Oliphaunt.” Inwardly Frodo turned through his past memories and studies. …and the pipeweed…what of that connection?
Gandalf’s eyes narrowed, he could see the furrows of the boy’s brow has his thoughts tumbled ever within. * He thinks of the pipe weed…dangerous…it is yet premature for him *. He changed the subject, rattling Frodo from his introspection. “Are you prepared for your test this afternoon?”
Frodo started, stiffened in his chair. “I am ready I think. Yet, there is so much I don’t know…” Galadriel, the Elven witch…and her pool. “Does she really think that I could be the one?”
Gandalf scowled. “The witches and their legends. If they think that you may be the Kwisatz Hobbitach, then it is best to humor them for the time being. There is no guessing the true plans of the elves.” The Hobbit who is all hobbits, the one who would bear the One Ring…
Motives within motives, plans within plans. Frodo shivered inwardly at the uncertainties, the fears. Abruptly he corrected himself, composing his emotions with the practice of the ancient Numenoreans. Fear is the realm breaker, the undoer of kingdoms…
Nice, Gargoyle.
Still want to see a Family Guy version, though.
Speak for yourself.I hated that show.
The Fellowship Guy!
This is just a short little thing. If someone wants to add more they can.
Peter Baggins and Lois Gamgee are hiking up Mt. Doom. Lois has a pack with pans, while Peter is carrying a grille on his back, and of course the Ring
Peter: Oh man, this is so heavy
Lois: You should’ve left that grille behind! I tried to tell you there’s nothing to barbeque here.
Peter: No, I mean this ring. This stupid thing gets heavier and heavier every day. Why did I get stuck with this crappy quest?
Lois: It’s your destiny, Peter. You have to fulfill it. You can’t let Sauron get to it.
Peter: I know, I know. Sometimes I wonder how this big and powerful Sauron guy could be so careless and lose a ring.
sudden flashback
Sauron takes a tray out of an oven, with the Ring on it
Sauron: Ah, finally, my Ring of Power is done!
suddenly Einstein runs in, slams Sauron’s head on the oven door repeatedly, grabs the Ring and runs off
end flashback
Lois: Look Peter, the crack of doom!
Peter: Heheheheheh. That’s still funny everytime I hear it.
suddenly Stewie lands onto Peter’s face
Stewie: Give me the Ring! Give it to me, you stupid fat hobbit!
Lois grabs Stewie
Lois: No no Stewie. The Ring is not a toy. she sets Stewie down Now go run along and have fun.
Stewie: Damn you and your verticle advantage! Nevertheless, I will get that Ring, and both of you will be dead! Do you hear me? Dead! runs off
they walk towards the crater
Peter: Finally, let’s just get this over with.
Peter stands next to the crater
Peter: So, um, what am I supposed to do again?
Lois: Throw the Ring in the fire!
Peter: Won’t that, um, burn it?
Lois: Yes! That’s the point!
Peter: We came all this way to destroy it? That can’t be right. I mean look at this thing. I’m sure it’d look great on you.
Lois: No! Get it away from me! Just toss it into the lava!
Peter: Well all right…
suddenly Peter is hit by a ray blast
Peter: I…I will not come here what I have come to do. The Ring is…his.
Peter drops the Ring into Stewie’s hand
Stewie: Ha ha! At last! My Hypo-Ray worked! holds up the Ring Oh my precious Ring. Victory is mine! Now go home, you simpletons!
Lois: Stewie, stay away from the edge!
Peter turns around, and the grille on his back knocks Stewie over the edge
Stewie: Daaaaaaamn yoooooooou!
huge explosion
Peter: Holy crap! Um…oops?
Matsuhiki Company thanks you many for purchasing the One Happiness Fun Hoop Of Nightbird Power! Before using your One Hoop please to read fully this ways and means of One Hoop please!
Allow me to explain something to You: how do this One Hoop perform well? When you put on One Hoop onto finger of yours, please do not put it on too long! May be wizard friend, not well-wisher or distant relation, can help you.
Made of job for not seen. One Happiness Fun Hoop if wearing, other persons or people shall not be seeing you. In order that the night be fully descended, Vigorously wear One Hoop only on Hand of right. To be safety, the One Hoop can be cleaned automatically and regularily; pull the inferior Hoop from the Superior to avoid smell.
When you can wear these One Hoop when it is a good timing: it is best when utilizing One Hoop to stay off road. Matsuhiki Company cannot help you if road takes you away; we do not know where it take You!
With One Happiness Fun Hoop Of Nightbird Power, the owner may domination of persons (such as Witch Kings), then such as not are domination will fade and go into the West. To cover lands in second darkness, use One Hoop with Power Of Nightbird ridden. Do not under the ground. Winds of white light in vision are charming notice – you shall not pass!
If quality letters have night descended, use hot Fire to revalation. Secret is, that only fire can tell. Do not use cold Fire, or any problem is not contact with our Company!
No need is there bring One Happiness Fun Hoop Of Nightbird Power to Mount Doom, affecting decotating digits. (Make sure not to be too close to the fire things!) Do not apart or separate the fixed things, or the damage cannot be guaranteed.
Keep One Happiness Fun Hoop Of Nightbird Power out of children!
Bravissimo,Hunter!
Excerpt from
Where the Ring Hides
by Emily Bronte
The hours crept anxiously by: another evening came. I did not retire to rest till late, and when I did, I could not sleep. He returned after midnight, and, instead of going to bed, shut himself into the room beneath. I listened, and tossed about, and, finally, dressed and descended. It was too irksome to lie there, harassing my brain with a hundred idle misgivings.
I distinguished Master Sauron’s step, restlessly measuring the floor, and he frequently broke the silence by a deep inspiration, resembling a groan. He muttered detached words also; the only one I could catch was the name of “Azh Nazg”, coupled with some wild term of endearment or suffering; and spoken as one would speak to a person present; low and earnest, and wrung from the depth of his soul. I had not courage to walk straight into the room; but I desired to divert him from his reverie, and therefore fell foul of the forge fire, stirred it, and began to scrape the cinders. It drew him forth sooner than I expected. He opened the door immediately, and said - “Mouth, come here - is it morning? Come in with your torch.”
He roamed to and fro, meantime, in a state approaching distraction; his heavy sighs succeeding each other so thick as to leave no space for common breathing between.
“When day breaks I’ll send for the Nazgul,” he said; “I wish to make some inquiries of them while I can bestow a thought on such matters, and while I can act calmly. I have not yet determined how I wish to leave Arda, if it should be forced upon me. I wish I could annihilate it from the depths of the Void!”
“I would not talk so, Master Sauron,” I interposed. “Let the Nazgul be a while: you’ll be spared to repent of your many injustices yet! I never expected that your nerves would be disordered: they are, at present, marvelously so, however; and almost entirely through your own fault. The way you’ve passed these three last days might knock up a Valar. Do take some food, and some repose. You need only look at yourself in a glass to see how you require both. Your cheeks are hollow, and your eyes blood-shot, like a person starving with hunger and going blind with loss of sleep.”
“It is not my fault that I cannot eat or rest,” he replied. “I assure you it is through no settled designs. I’ll do both, as soon as I possibly can. But you might as well bid a hobbit drowning in the water rest within ankle’s depth of the surface! I must reach it first, and then I’ll rest. Well, never mind the Nazgul: as to repenting of my injustices, I’ve done no injustice, and I repent of nothing. I’m too happy; and yet I’m not happy enough. My soul’s bliss kills my body, but does not satisfy itself.”
“Happy, master?” I cried. “Strange happiness! If you would hear me without being angry, I might offer some advice that would make you happier.”
“What is that?” he asked. “Give it.”
“You are aware, Master Sauron,” I said, “that from the time you were barely an Age old you have lived a selfish, discordant life; and probably hardly beheld the Light during all that period. You must have forgotten its beauty, and you may not have space to search for it now. Will you not turn your eye to such matters, before it is too late? Could it be hurtful to send for some one - some Istari of any color, it does not matter which - to explain it, and show you how very far you have erred from those precepts; and how unfit you will be for the Void, unless a change takes place before you die?”
“I’m rather obliged than angry, Mouth,” he said ruefully, “for you remind me of the form I wish for my return.”
that would be tatooing… : )
How about Darwin Awards for Gollum, Boromir, and Sauron?
“Old Took’s Land”
Sung by: Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Peppin
Oh I wish I was in the land of Hobbits,
Slicing Orcs to bloody gobbets,
Look away, look away, look away,
To Old Took’s land.
In the Shire where I was born in,
Eat two breakfasts every mornin’
Look away, look away, look away,
To Old Took’s land.
Den I wisht I was in Bag End,
Away, Away!
In Old Took’s land, I’ll make my stand,
To live and die for Bag End.
Away! Away!
Away back there, in Bag End.
“The Bonnie White Hand”
Sung by: the Uruk-Hai
We are a bunch of goblins,
Invading others’ soil.
Killing, burning, pillaging,
To us it’s honest toil.
And when our boss is threatened,
He calls out for our band:
“Hurrah for the deadliest orcs,
who fight for the White Hand.”
Hurrah! Hurrah!
For Isengard, Hurrah!
Hurrah for the deadliest orcs,
who fight for the White Hand.
Battle Hymn of the Nazgul
Sung by: the Nazgul (obviously)
The Eye has seen the horror of the mincing girly elves!
They are so fey and swishy, that we want to kill ourselves.
They’re prancing now in Rivendell
I hope they rot in Hell!
They are just nancy boys.
The Eye has seen the humor in the must’ring of the Shire
Four furry little munchkins serving as sword-fodder for hire.
They’re all hopped-up on pipeweed,
but they seem to have the Ring.
How lucky can they get?
etc.
bump
omg!! this thread kicks ASS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA great man…clasic…