"Originally posted by amy_attorney
Garrett:
Um, I did Grisham, back on page 20 or 21 grin But yours is prolly better’n mine :)"
Argh! For some reason, I wasn’t able to access two or three pages in the low 20’s. In my defense, I did read all the pages I was able to access, and so prefaced my entry with “hope this hasn’t been done yet” gambling on a Grisham entry not being on those pages, and lo and behold… I guess most of us who came late to this thread (given a link by a friend) enjoyed it so much that we just wanted to make a contribution of our own (I was thinking of doing a Lawhead version, but he’s basically a Tolkein emulator, so I didn’t see the point). Anyway, I’m sure yours is better, and I’m gonna go try and find it now, and hopefully think up an original contribution in the process.
:smack:
You might remember me from my Good Omens parody. Cross-referencing with the “Been There Done That” thread, I realize nobody has done Guy Ritchie yet.
Which means… I have to spread the joys of Lock, Stock. So, without further ado…
The One Ring And Two Smoking Towers
written and directed by Guy Ritchie
FADE IN:
Frodo awakens in Rivendell. We cut to a wide shot of an Elven-lord who has just entered. It is then revealed that two of the three players are Gandalf and Sam. They stand to attention, red faced with embarrassment.
ELROND
I hope I am not interrupting. Comfortable, Frodo?
FRODO
I’ve been out cold for forty-eight hours, got a Morgul-blade stuck in my shoulder, can feel a case of the flu coming on and . . .
ELROND
(interrupts)
All right, all right, don’t think I wouldn’t like to get rid of you; but before I do, I need to know what’s going on, son.
FRODO
If you think you’re in the dark, I am in a black hole, blindfolded.
DISSOLVE TO BLACK. THE MUSIC STARTS.
[We pull back out of the black to reveal that we have been sitting in the inside of a RING. The RING recedes further, to show a good view of MOUNT DOOM. THE ONE RING are shot out of the top of the screen in smoky letters. We wait for a while, as RING reappears through the smoke. We then see one more volcanic explosion AND TWO SMOKING TOWERS joins the sentence.]
EXT. FARMER MAGGOT’S FIELD (FLASHBACK] - DAY
We open on a casually dressed Hobbit standing just outside the corn field. A crowd has gathered, motivated no doubt by the alarming volume of pilfered vegetables in his arms.
MERRY
See these carrots, they’ve never seen daylight, moonlight, elven-light, Lobelia-by-the-fire-light. If you can’t see value here today you’re not up here shopping, you’re up here stealing. Take a bag, take a bag. I took a bag, I took a bag home last night and she cost a lot more than ten shillings I can tell ya. Tell me if I am going too cheap. Not ninety, not eighty, not forty, half that and half that again, that’s right, ten shillings. Don’t think 'cos it’s sealed up it’s an empty sack. The only hobbit who sells empty sacks is Tom Sandyman, and by the look of some of you here today I would make more money with me measuring tape.
A well-dressed, zealous character (FRODO) appears from behind the crowd chinking silver coins in his hands. It seems he can’t wait to get rid of them.
PIPPIN
Bargain, that’s a bloody bargain if I ever heard one. Ten shillings you say? I’ll have five.
MERRY
Certainly sir. I’ll just wrap.
Changing his attention.
MERRY
Excuse me misses, sorry sir, ladies first and all that.
A visiting hobbit from Bree, rather than a buyer, has been put on the spot. She fumbles through purse bag hastily all too aware of the attention of the crowd, of which she is now the focus. She passes her money like it’s contaminated. Others follow suit.
Buy 'em, you better buy 'em; they’re not stolen, they just never been paid for.
This really stokes the fire. The money can’t come fast enough. Just as business reaches its peak there is a call of alarm from the first enthusiastic punter, who seems to be rather more familiar than he first pretended.
PIPPIN
Merry!
MERRY’s expression changes dramatically. A series of crash zooms between Pippin’s, Merry’s and a third party’s eyes (Farmer Maggott) reveal there is a problem. They’re off: MERRY and PIPPIN run like they have done this before. They go down an slope; Pippin jumps some pumpkins, we freeze.
MERRY
(voice-over)
Pippin can run fast, talk fast, eat fast, and spot mushrooms fast, but he’s fucking slow when it comes to spotting Maggott’s dogs.
PIPPIN
(voice-over)
The reason he is called Merry is he spent so much of his youth toked up on hobbit weed that people thought he was naturally jolly. But he is a big boy now and it is time to move on.
We cut to a shot of Pippin as he lands. He has made good distance.
INT. CRICKHOLLOW - MORNING
Pippin arrives at Crickhollow. We meet Frodo. Frodo is talking to Fatty Bolger.
FRODO
What are you talking about? I am bloody skinny, pal.
FATTY
Of course you are. All right, Pippin.
PIPPIN
Good old Fatty, always a pleasure. All right Frodo, what you been eating?
Frodo examines his midriff and adopts a confused expression.
Frodo
Please, both join me in my orifice.
INT. CRICKHOLLOW HALLWAY - DAY
They work their way past a maze of boxes.
FATTY
(fingering and admiring one of the boxes)
How much did you say it was, Frodo?
FRODO
You know how much it is, Fatty.
FATTY
And that does include the ring?
FRODO
You know it doesn’t include the ring.
INT. CRICKHOLLOW KITCHEN -AFTERNOON
Frodo and Pippin make their way through a busy, well-equipped kitchen. This is obviously a typical hobbit kitchen. They stop in front of the hobbit whose apron is covered in blood; he appears to be a good cook. Meet Samwise.
PIPPIN
What have you come as?
SAM
Cupid stupid! That’s the last time I am getting any more taters off you Pippin. Call that fresh? There was more small hairy armoured things in your taters than there was taters. You should open a butcher’s, not a grocer’s.
PIPPIN
If you will order stuff that comes from Farmer-Fucking-Maggott’s fields, don’t be surprised if your taters pick up a few tourists en route. Never mind that, what about the ring?
SAM
OI! Get your fingers out of my coney!
SLOW MOTION
FRODO pulls out a ring on a chain from under his homespun shirt.
PIPPIN
(voice-over)
Samwise is called Sam because despite what his name says, he is far from wise. He is proud of his job as Frodo’s gardener, and even more proud that it’s legal.
[RELEASE SLOW MOTION]
PIPPIN looks at ring.
PIPPIN
Are you sure you can make it to Rivendell?
SAM
Well that depends on how you look at it. We can make it if we don’t meet Dark Riders on the way, if that’s what you mean. You going to come along with us?
FRODO looks on with suspicion.
FRODO
Who’s this us, then?
PIPPIN
Merry, Sam and myself, and it’s time to make a visit to Bree.
-Mel
If this doesn’t cause you mental pain, nothing will. Eventually, Frodo and Sam end up on Antiques Road Show (ARS).
ARS: So, what have you brought in today?
Frodo: It’s an old ring.
Sam: A precious ring… if you don’t mind me sayin’ so Sir.
ARS: Yes, well, what can you tell us about this ring?
Frodo: It’s pretty old. I got it from my Uncle who found it in Mesopotamia, I think…
Sam: And it’s precious!
Frodo: Yeah, it’s precious.
ARS: Is there anything particular about the ring?
Frodo: Well, yes, if you put it in the fire, it gets bigger and these letters appear.
ARS: Letters… hmm. What do these letter say?
Frodo: I dunno. It’s in Mesopotamian, I think. An old guy named Grandlolf or something read them once. It was some poem about the ring being a ruler or something.
ARS: (Chuckling) Looks more like a ring than a ruler to me!
Frodo: Yeah, ruler… I get it.
Sam: Tell 'im what happens when you put it on Mr. Frodo!
Frodo: Oh yeah… you disappear when you put the ring on.
ARS: Disappear?
Frodo: You know, turn invisible, so people can’t see you.
ARS: Well, that is special and… considering what you just told me, I think I can tell you something more about your ring!
Frodo: Wow, cool.
ARS: This is indeed a ring of power. It’s magic.
Sam: Duh.
ARS: As a matter of fact, this is the ONE ring, the RULING ring, as that Glandrolf told you… with this ring, you can control all of the other magic rings in the world.
Frodo: Wow… cool.
Sam: Well, sir, what we were wonderin’ if it’s not too much trouble an’ all you know… well, we was wonderin’ what it’s worth, don’t you know.
ARS: Well, I haven’t seen a Ring of Power come up for auction in ages, but I think it’s safe to say that this Ring may be worth millions… perhaps more if its original owner, Sauron, is still alive and kickin’.
Sam: Glory and Oliphants Mr. Frodo, you’re rich again!
Frodo: And to think, that Grandrolf fellow told me to destory it!
ARS: Of course he did, Lad… Of course he did.
I only realized that I’d made a few mistakes in the Lock, Stock parody. Pity.
I really shouldn’t be parodying things at 5 something AM in the morning.
-Mel
I was a good boy. I read the whole 30 pages. I know this hasn’t been done, and I also know there are people who know NPR enough to get it. So, without further ado:
Tales from Lake Hobbiton, by Garrison Brandybuck
Well, it’s been a busy week back in my hometown of Lake Hobbiton . . .
One of our more prominent citizens had a birthday, his eleventy-first in fact, which is something of an important number to a Hobbit. It was old Mr. Baggins, who’s always been regarded as a bit on the odd side, not that we would ever let that stop us from being friendly to him, because that was of course our duty, to be friendly to those of us who especially needed friends. Besides, he gave us free food.
He came by his oddness fair, everyone always said, because he was half Took after all, and Tooks were liable to do anything. So it was really no great surprise that every now and then an Elf or a Dwarf would come to visit him. Now, this sort of behavior isn’t really respectable, for a Hobbit, and Bilbo Baggins was never regarded as respectable ever since he had run off with a bunch of Dwarfs some years back, but he was always respected nonetheless. Free food will buy a lot of respect in Hobbiton.
Just what he did when he was away with those Dwarfs never did come out. Most people figure that’s probably a good thing. There were rumors, naturally, into which figured everything from Trolls to Dragons to magical chests of gold. But if any of those rumors were confirmed, well, then he would go from eccentric to disreputable, and we’d have to stop going to his parties, and nobody wanted that. It was enough for us that he got it out of his system, as it were, and he was back now and settled down for good, and engaged in pursuits proper to a Hobbit, mostly centered around food and comfortable chairs and good pipeweed.
And now it was his eleventy-first birthday, and time for another party, and nobody knew what to expect, but we knew it wouldn’t be entirely reputable, but that was okay with us because it would be Mr. Baggins being disreputable because it was his party and not us. We were just guests, and couldn’t be held responsible for the behavior of our host.
Well, our first inkling of just how unusual this party was likely to be was when the children . . . ahh, the children. They all loved Mr. Baggins the most, in part because they got the most free food from him, and toys and silver pennies to boot, which if you’re a respectable adult Hobbit you’re not supposed to be interested in. All the grown-up Hobbits of Lake Hobbiton envy their children, because the toys Mr. Baggins has given them for more years than most of us can remember look more fun to play with than anything we’re allowed to have. But mostly the children have always loved Mr. Baggins because he tells stories about going away with Dwarfs and visiting with Elves, and having adventures, and they can vicariously participate in those adventures without having their elders brand them as disreputable, and that’s very important to a Hobbit.
Anyway, the children all started talking about it several days before the party, so the parents couldn’t help knowing Gandalf was about. Now, Gandalf is a figure even more unusual than Mr. Baggins. He was supposed, according to the rumors, to lure young Hobbits off on adventures and to cause all sorts of trouble generally, but he made fireworks, and those were even better than free food because they’re somthing that adults are allowed to think are fun. Besides, Gandalf isn’t a Hobbit, so he’s allowed to be disreputable.
Just to add to the excitement, Mr. Baggins’ nephew Frodo had his birthday the same day. His thirty-third birthday, which marks a coming of age in Lake Hobbiton, and that’s the only thing that could possibly compete with old Mr. Baggins’ eleventy-first birthday. That, and Gandalf, and wagons coming in every day driven by Men and Dwarfs and what-have-you all mixed together to give the whole Shire something to talk about all week.
Finally the big day came around, and all of Lake Hobbiton and half the rest of the Shire gathered together for the Big Party. It was even better than a potluck, because nobody had to bring anything. And right in the middle of it, old Mr. Baggins got up to give a speech. Speeches are not, in general, a popular thing with Hobbits when there’s food to be eaten, but politeness is a big thing, so everybody listened politely while Mr. Baggins was speaking.
That’s when it happened. It was what we were all looking forward to privately, something completely unexpected and thoroughly disreputable, because it would give everyone an opportunity for literally years to talk about how unexpected and disreputable it was and how much we disapproved of it. What happened was, Mr. Baggins just disappeared in the middle of his speech. I don’t mean he left, I mean he was there one second, and the next he . . . wasn’t.
His nephew Frodo disappeared in the more conventional sense a couple of days later. While something unexpected was expected at the Big Party, this really was unexpected, and caused a lot of talk in its own right. It caused a different sort of talk, though. It caused a lot of talk between parents and their children, about things like adventures and Tooks and being respectable, which disappearing isn’t. And it brought back a lot of the stories of Bilbo’s first disappearance, back when he was closer to Frodo’s age.
It was generally agreed that the whole incident could be ascribed to the Tookishness of the Bagginses, and that Frodo would one day be back, and that when he came back he would be accepted and loved, because he was a Hobbit, and he was one of us, and it was our duty. And parents talked to their children about how big the world was, and how dangerous, and how they would be loved and accepted whether they chose to stay in Lake Hobbiton or risk going to see a little of it, but the parents would be much happier if the children didn’t go to see too much outside of a short visit to Bree every now and then. And in the days since the Big Party, if you walk on the roads, you can feel families growing closer together, and you can feel the whole community growing closer together, and regardless of how eccentric or odd or Tookish Mr. Baggins may have been, the community has sort of rallied around him in his absence, saying that all this togetherness is exactly what he would have wanted. And they’re probably right.
And that’s the news from Lake Hobbiton.
You asked for a legal version (with no disrespect intended to the ADA or those covered under it):
IN THE CIRCUIT COURT FOR MIDDLE EARTH
CENTRAL DISTRICT AT CARAS GALADON
Elf Gimpoliel on behalf of a class of persons )
Being comprised of disabled elves and peoples )
of Middle Earth, )
Plaintiffs )
)
Vs. ) Civ. No.
)112233-Y
The Realm of Lothlorien, )
Galadriel and Celeborn, individually )
Defendants )
COMPLAINT
Comes the Plaintiff, Gimpoliel, by and through counsel, representing himself and all those similarity situated and covered under the Elves and Beings with Disabilities Act (EBDA) and for Plaintiffs’ complaint states as follows:
VENUE
- Plaintiffs are elves and other beings covered under the EBDA and reside in or have occasion to enter into the area better known as the Realm of Lothlorien.
- Class representative Gimpoliel is an elf residing in Caras Galadon, Lothlorien.
- Class representative Gimpoliel and class members are disabled beings and elves within the definitions set forth in the EBDA Section 2©.
- Plaintiffs assert proper venue in Caras Galadon the capital of Lothlorien as the most egregious violations of the EBDA are continuing in that city and it is the residence of the class representative and those responsible for the continuation of such violations, namely one Galadriel and one Celeborn, elves and rulers of Lothlorien.
- Plaintiffs claim is under Article IV, Section 2 of the Code of Middle Earth better known as the EBDA. More specifically Sections 2(b)(1) –2(e)(4) of the EBDA have been violated by the named Defendants in this matter.
CLAIM
- Plaintiffs note that the Realm of Lothlorien is designed in such a manner as to deny access for elves and beings with various disabilities. Further, the Realm of Lothlorien and its representatives Galadriel and Celeborn make no attempt currently or in the past to remedy the situations denying access to disabled elves and other peoples of Middle Earth. Thus, the Realm of Lothlorien and Galadriel and Celeborn individually are in violation of the EBDA.
- Defendants have developed a housing and meeting system that requires great agility and physical stamina to partake in. The central meeting tree of Caras Galadon, for example, has in excess of 500 spiraling stairs sloping upwards over 300 feet. No ramps or devices are available for persons unable to traverse these stairs due to their disability (such as but not limited to loss of a limb, spinal injury or partial paralyzation). This failure to provide access is a direct violation of EBDA Section 2(b)(1)(A) stating in part that, “[A]ll places of public accommodation and housing shall be made fully accessible to disabled elves and beings with mobility impairments.” Further such violations are on-going and shall be presented at trial on this matter.
- Defendants Galadriel and Celeborn have been made directly aware of these issues by notice in writing by Plaintiff’s counsel as required under EBDA Section 2(d)(1). Galadriel and Celeborn have failed to take corrective action as required within 90 days of such notice claiming that elven magic will suffice as reasonable accommodation. They are thus personally liable under EBDA Section (e)(4)(F).
- Having been denied access to counsel meetings and comfortable housing, Plaintiffs have suffered damages in an amount no less than 1000 gold coins each or 2,000,000 gold coins in the aggregate for the class.
RELIEF REQUESTED
Having now set forth their claim, Plaintiffs request the following relief:
- That the Realm of Lothlorien and the elves, Galadriel and Celeborn be enjoined to install appropriate ramps, raised platforms, elevators and other such devices as necessary to effectuate compliance with the EBDA.
- That Plaintiffs be given the sum of 1000 gold coins each not to exceed 2,000,000 gold coins for the class.
- That the court order and certify the Plaintiffs as a class and notify other possible members of the class of the pending action.
- For further and other relief as may be necessary and proper.
Respectfully,
FOR THE PLAINTIFFS BY COUNSEL
Sharque Findolas, Esq.
The large tan mallorn, #245-B
Caras Galadon, Lothlorien
BPR#1183
Has anyone contemplated a “Soylent Green” version of LOTR?
These are all good.
Here are two which I haven’t seen attempted yet, although I haven’t had a chance to read all of them yet…
MAD RINGS
Frodo sat on a rock ______________ (adverb) chewing
on his lembas, and ______________ (verb) heavily.
The ________ (noun) felt like a(n) ______________
(adjective) __________ (noun) around his neck.
“_______________ (exclamation)!” shouted Sam,
gesturing ___________ (adverb). “_____________
(number) orcs are headed right for _______ (pronoun).
I bet that ____________ (adjective) ________________
(noun) ______________ (Stoor name) has _____________
(verb, past tense) us!!”
With great ___________ (noun), Frodo rose from his
__________ (noun). “________________ (exclamation),
Sam. I think you’re ______________ (noun). We’d
better __________ (verb). I can feel the Eye
____________ (verb) for me.”
Next…
Int. Volcano
Roaring noise is overpowering.
FRODO slumped, cradling injured hand. SAM hides
behind a rock. SMEAGOL falls into CRACK OF DOOM.
Smeagol: “Earn thisssssssssssss!” (dies)
OLOG HAI (enters, advances on Frodo waving a big
CLUB).
Olog Hai: “Argh!”
BIG EAGLE swoops in just over FRODO’S HEAD. BIG EAGLE
has black and white invasion bands painted on wings.
BIG EAGLE drops a ROCK onto OLOG HAI’s HEAD. OLOG HAI
collapses inches away from FRODO.
ELVEN TROOPS enter. SAM runs to meet them.
SAM: “Medic! Medic!!!”
Dissolve to:
Ext. Meadow in the Shire.
FRODO and GANDALF. FRODO is crying.
FRODO: “Have I been a good hobbit? Tell me Gandalf,
have I been a good hobbit?”
End.
From “Saving Private Baggins”
Another one…
Ext. Barrow Downs.
Frodobby: Hankgulf! (sticks RING up nose) Nook ag dis!
Hankgulf: (shakes head) Gawd! Not even second breakfast, and already the Ringbearer ain’t right.
Boomwiser: Y’allcutoutthatdangol’screwin’around. Gottogettodangol’Rivendellan’seeElrondandallthoseelves, man.
Daleagorn: No! It’s a trap. I’m telling you, Sauron, in league with a sinister federal agency, which consists of 3 elves, some dwarves, and 9 men, has conspired to enslave all of Middle Texas! Says so in this month’s “Orc of Fortune!”
Hankgulf: Daleagorn, don’t be ridiculous. I didn’t get to be a Keeper of the Sacred Blue Flame of Valor by listening to crazy theories like that.
Boomwise: Yeahmanthatisjustdangol’crazytalk;ain’tnodangol’RingofPower.
Daleagorn: Yeah, it’s crazy, crazy like a weasel! Weasels are smarter than foxes, before you say anything. Say, anyone see my wife, Arwancy is going to get back with the mead. She and Redcornolas went up to the Randy Pony Inn hours ago.
uncomfortable silence
Hankgulf: Uh, Daleagorn, haven’t you ever noticed…
Eoluann: Unca Hankgulf! Unca Hankgulf! What’s that?
Hankgulf: AAAH! Nazgul! Charcoal purveyors from the depths of Oklahomador.
Dauteriveli: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I’ll get 'em. (Shoots) Oh, I missed. Sorry, Boomwise.
Boomwise (looking at arrow in chest): Manyougottowatchitwiththat dangol’friendlyfireman.
Enter Redcornolas
Redcornolas (hurriedly adjusting his mail): What is happening here? I have been off helping Arwancy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . with her headaches.
uncomforable silence
Frodobby, Boomwise, Hankgulf, Dauteriveli, and Eoluann all look up at the sky. The charging Nazgul rein in their mounts, which paw the ground nervously. The Nazgul rummage through their saddlebags absently.
Daleagorn: What?? Why does everyone always do that?
All: NO REASON!!!
And to think it didn’t even occur to me that someone, let alone many, have been workin’ on it for some time. Story of my life I tell ya.
ooh, ooh, ohh, anyone done an XML version yet.?
(Sounds of mouth getting washed out with soap)
The scene: Outside the back entrance to Cirith Ungol. The orcs have just carried the unconsious Frodo inside. The invisible Sam realizes that Frodo is not dead. He flings himself at the door, but he is too late. He falls down, senseless.
Freeze frame. Voice and titles over…
- Will Frodo the Ringbearer escape from Shagrat and his orcs?
- Can Sam, Halfing Wonder, destroy the ring by himself?
- Can Comissioner Gandalf save Minas Tirith from the forces of Sauron?
- IS THIS THE END OF THE CLOAKED CRUSADERS??
Tune in Next Week…
- same ring-time
- same ring-channel
…Dada-dada-dada-dada (etc)
I don’t care if this has been done before. So there!
Simpsons:
Hi I’m Frodo. You might remember me from some previous books. Such as: The Fellowship Of The Ring…"
Mission Impossible:
“Your mission Frodo, should you decide to accept it: is to take this ring of power, infitrate Sauron’s fortress and throw it in the Crack of Doom. This Palintir will self destruct in 10 seconds.”
PALINTIR EXPLODES IN CLOUD OF SMOKE.
CUT TO FRODO STUDYING IMF FILES:
Gandalf: Occupation: Wizard. Approximate Age: 3000. Special Skills: Fireworks…
(The Lord of) The Ring:
“Anyone who wears this ring will have their finger bitten off after 777 pages.”
Chevy Chase: Here with an editorial reply is Miss Emily Litella.
Emily Litella: What’s all this fuss I hear about the one wing? What’s wrong with just one wing? Why, in my days, kids were lucky to get any wings at all! The dads got all the wings, and they gave the kids the liver! I say, if one wing isn’t enough, you should eat the neck! [bangs fist on table]
Chevy Chase: Uh, Emily…
Emily: That’ll show those little tykes
Chevy: Emily?
Emily: What?
Chevy: That’s the one ring.
Emily: What?
Chevy: The editorial was about the one ring, the ring that contains all of Sauron’s evil power and controls all the others. Not the one wing.
Emily: Oh, that’s very different. Never mind.
I’ve been waiting for someone to do an SNL take on LOTR. 
Those are great!!
Fingolfin - I love “A Lost Short Story by J.R.R. Tolkien”!
It really made me laugh!
Wonderful thread idea!
Oh, about the Robert Jordan LOTR being ten books long… ONLY 10? I think it would be at least 15 - 45 books, depending on how long he could still write, type, dictate, whatever.
The polarizied diachomoties of the entire book, the battle between dark and light is conspiciously absent during this “Short Cut”
Not unlike the Peruvian Shaman the mushroom acts as a catalyst for a spiritually educational drug experience.
The trip begins upon the symbolic crossing of the river and ends in the barrow downs with our hobbits being reborn, running in the sun naked in celebration, yet better armed when they finally enter back onto the east west road and symbolically enter back into the story and main theme, the affore mentioned “battle”
Notice that Tom Bombadil is uneffected by the ring. He is out side the entire story. He is the collective unconscious guide during “the trip”
Note that the forset begins to come to life as the effects of the mushrooms begin.
Our hobbits are soon lost and in need of a guide. They stumble on to the agressive undercurrent of nature, symbolized by old man willow.
Note how Tom saves them with non-sensical playfullness.
Note how Tom sooths them during the rainy day, with stories.
Note how Tom is outside all evil effects of the ring, and does not reappear to help the side of good.
He reappears at the barrow downs but that is the end. He guides the hobbits rebirth
He is the master
He was there before everything
He is the eternal collective unconsciousness
One might conclude that Tolkien included these four chapters to off set the main theme of the “battle between dark and light” to show that there is an outside and a beyond and an untouched area that exists behind the myth.
Hmm…
Hi all, this was REALLY hard to write and it’s languishing in the moribund monty python LOTR thread, so I thought I’d try it our here.
For those less familiar with Monty Python’s ‘Meaning of Life’, this is ripped-off from the song-and-dance routine in the Liver Donor’s kitchen - ‘Just remember that your standing on a planet, that’s evolving, and revolving at nine hundred miles an hour…’
It was harder than I expected to get the rhythms right and I hope this is to your liking…
Life got you down, Mrs.Baggins?
<sings>
Just re…member that you’re flying, on an Eagle, where is Smeagol?
He’s fallen in a bubbling pit of fire.
Your returning, from the burning,
Pits of Mordor, to the border,
Just in time for the Scouring of the Shire.
The hobbit you can see, your faithful friend, good ol’ Gamgee
Reminds you how you got into this thing,
"It all started back at Rivendell, why did you volunteer,
To join this damn Fellowship of the Ring!
The Fellowship itself, comprised a wizard and a dwarf,
With four hobbits, two brave men, and just one elf.
They were nine members strong,
When they left Elrond
But now it’s down to you and me, myself.
As we made our way to Mordor, chased by Balrog and the orcs,
They kept coming at us each and every day,
And then they were joined by armies made of thousands and thousands,
Of the hill-men and the dreaded Uruk-Hai."
<musical interlude>
</musical interlude>
The power of the Shadow, keeps on expanding and expanding,
The Eye can see across a thousand leagues.
As fast as Shadowfax,
When he’s making tracks,
Over sixty leagues a day and that’s the fastest steed there is.
So remember when you’re feeling, like the burden is too great
Just what this Quest and the One Ring is worth,
And pray that there’s some Valar living in the Havens Grey
Beause there’s bugger all, here in Middle-Earth!
</sings>
“So, cans I havess your finger then?”
<shrugs>“Yeah, alright.”
Post 1500!