Frodo: “Sons of Rohan, I am Frodo Baggins!”
Eomer: “Frodo Baggins is four feet tall!”
Frodo: "Yes, I’ve heard. He kills orcs by the hundreds, and if he were here he’d consume the Uruk-Hai with fireballs from his eyes and bolts of lightning from his arse. I am Frodo Baggins, and I see a whole army of Men here in defiance of tyranny…
From The Lord of the Rings, screenplay by Randall Wallace…
Sorry if this has been done before (I haven’t read the whole 30-friggin-page thread!
The Lord of the Rings
By Enid Blyton
Frodo and Sam screamed in delight as their adult friend, Gandalf, suddenly appeared in the bushes and motioned for them to come to him.
“Gandalf! Good old Gandalf!” cried Frodo. “Where have you been all this time? We’ve been bored stiff!”
“Yes, where?” said Sam. “You’ve been gone for ages and ages!”
“I’m sorry, I meant to be back much sooner, but I was detained by some smugglers in Mirkwood. Listen, I need your help. I want you to go and get Merry and Pippin. I’m afraid we’ll have to leave rather quickly, as I suspect I’ve been followed.”
“But Gandalf–”
“Should we pack some tea and crumpets?” asked Sam, clearly excited. “Gosh, Gandalf, we haven’t had an adventure in nearly two days! Are we going to go packing off into the moors, or maybe on a vacation in the sea?”
“Believe me, children, it’s nothing to get excited about. I just want you to deliver a package to someone in Wales. Once you’ve done that, you can go home and live normal lives, like all good children should.”
“But Gandalf, what’s in the package?” asked Merry, who had joined the others by now, having spotted the group.
“It’s a ring,” said Gandalf. “But it’s no ordinary ring.”
“Gosh, Gandalf, what’s so special about it?” asked Frodo. “Does it make you invisible or something?”
The other children laughed.
“Don’t laugh. This ring is the most hunted object in Wales right now. It contains secret microfilm to destroying all of Middle England. It must not fall into the wrong hands! Can I trust you, children?” He didn’t wait for an answer, but instead handed Frodo a small package.
“Now, I’ll meet you in Londonderry. Go now, and hurry!” Gandalf vanished from inside the bush, and the children could hear his feet running down the driveway.
“Good ol’ Gandalf! He always comes through!” squealed Merry.
“Now we’ll have an adventure again! I do love the hols!” said Sam. “Maybe we’ll get to see the Welves!”
“Welves?” asked Frodo dubiously.
“Welsh Elves,” whispered Merry.
The children quickly packed their clothing and set off on their grandest adventure yet! Good old Gandalf!
Well, I finally saw the Two Towers, so I feel I can now add my two cents to the thread:
The LoTR For Sale
LoTR as computer commercial.
“Dude, you’re gettin’ a Dale.”
LoTR as motel commercial.
“We’ll leave The Eye on for ya.”
LoTR as Public Service Ad.
“This is your brain. This is your brain on pipe weed. Any questions?”
And for a change of pace…
Excerpts from Eowyn’s Playboy Playmate Data Sheet
Ambitions: To wield the sharpest sword in Rohan.
Turn Ons: Guys who don’t shave regularly (but NO dwarves, please).
Turn Offs: Orc-breath.
My Fantasy: Bitch slapping immortal elf sluts.
Oops! That should have been entitled,
The Ring of Adventure
By Enid Blyton
SALIZAR! You are officialy my hero. (For the time being, anyway.) Once agian, I am astounded that there are people out there that have ever heard of such an author as Enid Blyton. I was raised with my dad reading aloud the ‘Adventure’ series to my siblings and me. Thanks for the contribution. =) You wouldn’t happen to know Arthur Ransom? (Swallows and Amazons) Because I’d love to see that, but lack the time to do it justice.
Thank you, AliRae! My teacher in fourth grade read the Secret Seven [TM] books to us and I got turned on to Enid. She’s great, eh? I wish they’d publish her stuff in the States again. Her stuff is hard to find.
No, I haven’t heard of Arthur Ransom, but thank you for the compliment.
Oh, not that hard. You may also wish to check with a local chain store, e.g., Borders. If they don’t carry the author they can still place a special order for you.
Reading all of these, it’s awesome! I couldn’t stay in my seat, I was laughing so hard! And as a writer, I feel the sudden pull to write one myself. So here I am, with a version of LOTR…by the infamous Chris Carter.
Agent Aragorn Gulder propped his feet upon his desk and sighed. He fiddled with a pencil for a moment, before swiveling around in his chair and staring thoughtfully at his favorite poster- a large picture of a flaming volcano, with the words, “I WANT TO BELIEVE” printed in large yellow letters. His thoughts were interupted by the click of his office door opening. He turned around to see his partner- Agent Arwen Starry- enter the room.
“What now, Gulder?” Were the first words out of her mouth. He grinned, and stood up.
“We may have actually found proof of the Sauron’s existance!” He exclaimed, pointing to the poster. “I got an email today from a man who named himself as the Pipe-Smoking Man, that said he has found a strange town that harbors the secret!”
“Gulder,” Starry sighed. “We’ve been over this already. There’s no scientific way that a Sauron could exist. I highly doubt one stole your sister-”
“Abducted.” Gulder corrected.
“Abducted, then. And what proof do you have that this Pipe-Smoking Man is for real?”
“Director Elrond, and A.D. Glorfindel both seem to think it’s important.” Gulder said with a smirk. “The Lone Hunter’s are on their way already.”
“You just had to call them, didn’t you? Do you have any idea how annoying those three can be? Gimli Frohike’s constantly sending me flowers, Legolas Langly never stops talking about those ridiculous Mirkwood Card Games he plays, and Boromir Byers is just too darn informative!”
A knock on the door startled both of the Agents, and A.D. Glorfindel stuck his head in the door.
“You two, upstairs, now. Four little men with some type of computer chip are upstairs, demanding to see the Pipe-Smoking Man. Elrond wants you on it.” Gulder shot Starry a smirk, and grabbed his jacket.
“Come on, Starry. Can’t keep dear old daddy waiting.”
RRP
Middle Earth Tabloid - James Ellroy
Dig it: waterfalls, big trees, fountains, fruits with bows and arrows. It’s big, its tricultural, it stinks. Rivendell at noon. The taxi crawled. Pippin smoked. Merry smoked. Sam smoked. Frodo yawned. Frodo stretched. Frodo elbowed more room. Dig it: Rivendell.
They checked into some flea-pit in the red-light district. When it got dark they cruised the street. They scoped the clubs. They hit the Balrog Bar & Grill. It was small, it was dark, it was elvish. They got a booth. They ordered miruvor.
Bar girls performed. They peeled. They lip-synced tunes. Elvish cooze boocoo. Frodo yawned. Frodo stretched. Frodo elbowed more room. Dig it: Rivendell.
OK, after two hours of reading and laughing until I cried (and quite a bit of envying), I think I might have my own contribution to make - humble as it is - that I don’t think has been done yet. I was able to access all but two pages, so I don’t think anyone’s yet done:
Excerpt from The Ring
By John Grisham
The neatly painted sign outside had been retouched to read simply: Frodo Baggins, Attorney at Law. The practice was now entirely his, since Bilbo had retired. Up to now, Baggins and Baggins had done a brisk business in the civil sector, but most of it was minor league; the occasional dispute over property lines in the Shire, or a lawsuit would erupt over something as trivial as the price fixing of pipeweed, and that would land Frodo’s name in the paper. Up to now, that was all the publicity he wanted. But since Uncle Bilbo had gone off to who knows where, and left him that troublesome ring, Frodo Baggins, Attorney at Law found himself embroiled in one of the most hotly contested property disputes seen to date in Middle Earth.
Bilbo’s original posession of the Ring was fairly rock solid. He’d managed to wrangle it from the firm of Smeagol and Gollum, and then left it to Frodo when he left the Shire. Frodo was even positive Bilbo had signed an affidavit attesting to his rightful ownership of the Ring, but hadn’t gotten around to digging it up yet.
Problem was, he was too busy with matters concerning the Ring itself to go and look for the important piece of parchment. Word had gotten out about the Ring’s ownership and someone altogether new and powerful had stepped forward to claim it. His name was Sauron, and he was the worst kind of evil: he was a corporate executive. Sauron was either CEO or on the boards of several powerful conglomerates, including Nazgultech, and AOL/Time Warner, and he was not someone to be trifled with. If he wanted something, he’d get it, and he had the cash to burn if he wanted it. This was, after all, the same Sauron who’d snagged the timber rights to Fangorn out from under the local shephards who lived there. The shepherds had fought back, but their power was limited to a few idealistic environmental lawyers with no real experience and even less clout. Souron, however, had some big guns in his arsenal, not the least of which was Balrog and Associates, who’d taken down Senator Gandalf in a barrage of subpoeneas and sub-committee hearings during the Moria Scandal. Rumor even had it that Minority Leader Saruman was at Sauron’s beck and call when he wanted some dirty work done, and didn’t want the inconvenience of having to wash his own hands.
In the face of such odds, Frodo felt almost alone. He once had powerful allies. The firm of Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli had entered the fray, but after a few ugly hearings and nastily issued motions, Frodo had felt guilty about the damage they were taking on and decided not to retain them. They were off doing their own business now and Frodo hadn’t heard from them in months.
Frodo thought back to his days as a fresh, young Law School Graduate, and Gandalf was a second-term senator. They’d been close friends, and had shared the occasional brandy and cigar together over at the Pony Club. That was when the Senator first learned of the Ring, and urged Frodo to get it into a safe deposit box before the injunctions could be filed. He’d done so just in time, and since then, he’d barely had time to think.
Frodo looked wistfully at Sam Gamgee, the only junior partner in the firm. Sam was a promising defense attorney, but didn’t show a whole lot of talent for much else. For a lawyer, Sam was just too honest, and would likely end up somewhere other than the firm; probably his own public practice working the loopholes for illegal ale brewers and the like.
Sam perked up when Frodo looked at him, “We got some mail today Mr. Frodo, I thought you should have a look at this.”
“Let me see it, Sam”, Frodo said, dreading what he knew would be among those envelopes.
It was in the third one back.
“What is it, Mr. Frodo?” Sam inquired.
“Another motion”, Frodo groaned, “This one from the offices of Smeagol and Gollum. They want to suppress any claims to ownership of ‘The Precious’ as he calls it. What is with those guys?”
Frodo had limited dealings with the Law Offices of Smeagol and Gollum. They were an eclectic pair. Frodo had never seen them together in public, though he’d talked with both of them on the phone once or twice. Gollum was the bad cop; hostile, abrupt, always looking for the hidden angle in a case. Smeagol on the other hand could be downright cooperative at times. More than once he’d worked out an under-the-table deal over a sushi dinner with Smeagol.
Frodo got on the phone and called Smeagol directly, he got Gollum instead.
“We wants it.”
“What?”, Frodo asked in mock ignorance.
“Don’t insults us, we knows Bagginses has it. We knows Sauron wants the Precious. We don’t wants Sauron to haves it.” Gollum growled.
A light went on in Frodo’s head; this was news. He knew word had gotten out that Souron intended to take the Ring, but he didn’t know Smeagol and Gollum would try to prevent him from getting it. This could prove useful.
“Let me talk to Smeagol”, Frodo said.
“He golfses, wont’s be back until after martinises at Dead Marshes Country Club.”
“What’s his mobile number?” Frodo asked, growing impatient.
“Phone’s turned off. Doesn’t answers it when he golfses.”
“That’s fine,” Frodo snapped, “I’ll tell you what, since I have a membership, I’ll just go over there and talk to Smeagol myself. Maybe you should call him and let him know I’m coming.” Frodo slammed the phone down on a wailing Gollum and grabbed his car keys.
“Mr. Frodo?” Sam inquired.
“Come on, Sam, I may need you. We got to go over to Dead Marshes Country Club.”
"Ugh,"Sam said, “I don’t like playing there. That place is a swamp.”
“Yeah, but I’m afraid we’ll have to. I’ve got a proposal for Smeagol, and if he cooperates, we just might get through this Ring business.”
Sam grabbed his clubs and his golf shoes…
Has anyone done Samuel Beckett’s “Waiting for Frodo” yet? If not, I’ll have to give it a try.
Garrett:
Um, I did Grisham, back on page 20 or 21 grin But yours is prolly better’n mine 
Robot Arm:
There have been several Beckets. Try reading the thread, long though it is.
And frankly, that goes for all the people who post with the comment “I couldn’t read all of this, so here’s mine, hope it hasn’t been done.” Most of them have been done, and better.
As someone who HAS read all 30 pages (with a great deal of awe and frankly avid glee, I might add, as most of these are wonderful), I’m getting mighty tired of seeing that preface, and I’m sure I can’t be alone.
Has anyone commented on all the people saying “Hope this hasn’t been done yet” yet?
The Hobbit by Alexandre Dumas
Chapter XII: Trapped under the mountain
In a hole, on an island, in the subterranean lake, in the pitch blackness beneath the fastness of the Misty Mountains, lay the ring. It had been set there by the halfling Smeagol, his gaoler and his only company for years without number. In the silence, the ring fell into melancholy and a gloomy reverie.
The ring could mould minds. It could madden people with lust for it. There had been two halflings, once, before the ring had set one against the other - for sport and to see which had the best spirit to be a ringbearer. Yet, that day, the ring stopped having its will. There seemed to be something lacking in the minds of these halflings: the ring could find to ambition it could use as a fulcrum, no passion it could use as a lever.
“I could drop in this water,” it said, “then maybe I could pass downriver, as before, and find a new bearer. But, no! back then, we could feel the life in the river. Here, when Smeagol has gone, by straining my senses, I may sometimes feel other beings far above in the mountain, but below is dead and dark. There, I should be utterly bereft of possibilities. I would lie there, silent and unnoticed, until the end of the world.” At once, the horror of so ignoble an end threw the ring from despair to an ardent desire for life and liberty.
“Go down? oh, no,” it exclaimed “I want to be; I shall struggle to the very last; I will yet win back that of which I have been deprived. I must ascend. If the only way us using that sorry creature, Smeagol, then use him I must. If I cannot move him to my will, then I must move him some other way.”
The ring now saw that this might be possible. In its exhaustion and despair, the ring had loosened its grip on the mind of the creature, and the creature had, in turn, loosened its grip on the ring, leaving it behind when it went hunting for food or searching in the upper chambers. If it could modulate its influence on the creature, holding it one minute and releasing it the next, might it get carried to one of the upper passages, and then get left there, perhaps?
The ring resolved to try. It was a delicate hazard. The creature had been without light and company for many years. Its powers to sense outside influences were acute. Too light a touch and nothing was achieved, too firm a touch and the creature would be alerted. Slowly, over many dark months, the ring probed the limits of the creature’s attention. It gripped, and it was taken on journeys to the upper chambers, it released, and it was taken off and put down. At first, it was put down for a few seconds. A month later, it might get put down for a minute. Then, suddenly, the creature would know it had been careless, and a month’s work was undone. Yet the ring was undaunted: it knew what it had to do, and it could spend a hundred years doing it at need.
The break was sudden and unexpected. Smeagol caught a goblin in the upper chambers. It put off the ring while it dealt with goblin. It ate. It picked up the goblin’s clothes and possessions. Then it left, leaving the ring. Five minutes passed. Then ten. The ring could no longer sense Smeagol: it was a good augury. Twenty minutes. Then, it could sense another mind in the darkness. The ring willed this mind closer and closer. It was in the same passage. It was feeling its way with its hands. It felt the ring! It put it on! Victory!
The ring felt the mind of its new bearer. Triumph was cast into despair. Oh, horror, oh, cruelest sport of the Valar, for this was no victory: it had been found by another halfling…
jr8:
Yeah, I know…but I’m thinking that if we put one such notice on every page, perhaps they’ll flip to “last” before they post. Hope springs eternal and whatnot.
A ring is to wear.
A Dark Lord is to wear a ring.
Parties are to eat and drink.
Hobbits are to eat and drink at parties.
A Shire is for Hobbits.
Toes are to wriggle.
Hair is to curl.
Hobbit toes are to go barefoot.
Fireworks are for parties.
A wizard is to make fireworks.
A wizard is to start adventures.
Some adventures are not fun.
Nazgul are for scaring.
The dark is for hiding.
A Ranger is for helping.
A King is to wear a crown.
Kings who are Rangers take off their crowns.
A tree is to climb.
Many trees are to make a woods.
A woods is to hold elves.
Elves are to sing.
A Dwarf is a man, only shorter.
Dwarves ares are for digging.
Orcs are to help bad people.
Uruk-Hai are very big orcs.
Uruk-Hai are for running and fighting.
Fish are to catch.
A Gollum is to catch fish.
Ents are for watching trees.
Many ents make a moot.
Ents are for taking your time.
A tower is for magic.
A ring is to bear.
A Hobbit is to bear a ring.
A friend is to go walking with you.
Title Author
Awe at how huge this thread is. Awe at how talented certain posters are. Short quote from a selected poster with a trite comment. Comment that poster has not read through the entire thread and hopes that this has not been done yet.
Introduction to some incredibly popular piece that has been done at least 5 times. Allusion to the most memorable section of the plot. Humerous mangling of the charecters names from both books to clearly allude which charecters corresponds to each other.
Large chunk of paragraphless text re-conciling two largely incompatible works.
Token humeours spelling mistake which gives rise to amusing freudian connotations.
Large chunk of paragraphless text incessantly parodying a certain trait the particular author has.
Small chunk of paragraphless text where the poster is clearly struggling for ideas.
Abrupt finish to the story halfway through a plot point as author gets tired.
Comment that poster hopes everybody enjoyed their particular contribution.
Username
dotted line
Sig line
Disco, anyone?
Stayin’ Alive
Well, you can tell by the way I bear my ring
I’m a good hobbit, no time to sing
I’ve got to cast it in, into the fire
I’ve been kicked around, I’m getting tired
Well, it’s alright, it’s ok, you may run the other way
We can’t try to understand
The Dark Lord Sauron’s close at hand
Whether you’re a Ranger or a hobbit in danger
You’re stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive
Fellowship is breaking and everybody’s shaking
And we’re stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive
Ah-ha-ha-ha, stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive
Ah-ha-ha-ha stayin’ aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive
Oh now, I can’t run and I can’t hide
And if I can’t throw it in, we’ll surely die
To claim or toss, I’ve got to choose
I’m a Ringbearer and I just can’t lose
You know, it’s alright, it’s ok, I hope I’ll see another day
We can’t try to understand
The Dark Lord Sauron’s close at hand
Whether you’re a Ranger or a hobbit in danger
You’re stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive
Fellowship is breaking and everybody’s shaking
And we’re stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive
Ah-ha-ha-ha, stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive
Ah-ha-ha-ha stayin’ aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive
I’m going to Mordor, somebody help me
Somebody help me yeah
I’m going to Mordor, somebody help me yeah
We’re stayin’ aliiiiiiiiiiive
Well, you can tell by the way I bear my ring
I’m a good hobbit, no time to sing
I’ve got to cast it in, into the fire
I’ve been kicked around, I’m getting tired
Well now, it’s alright, it’s ok, you may run the other way
We can’t try to understand
The Dark Lord Sauron’s close at hand
Whether you’re a Ranger or a hobbit in danger
You’re stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive
Fellowship is breaking and everybody’s shaking
And we’re stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive
Ah-ha-ha-ha, stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive
Ah-ha-ha-ha stayin’ aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive
I’m going to Mordor, somebody help me
Somebody help me yeah
I’m going to Mordor, somebody help me yeah
I’m stayin’ aliiiiiiiiiive [repeat till fade out]
Anyone want to go through the whole thread and post a list of all the authors that have been done for the benefit of people who want to participate without reading the entire thread?
What, me? It was my idea! Jeez, do I have to do everything around here?