Ok, Thanks… grin Why? lol
"er Sauron…’
“Yes, Snaga?”
“Just had a sot of report thingy from Gorbag”
“Oh Dear”
High up in the towers of Baradur, the Great Eye stared out into the withered expanses of Mordor with mild irritation. From where he reclined he could see the vast panorama of cracked and pitted land, strewn with the bodies of Orcs. This was the view which had had stared out at for years. Hundreds of years, thousands maybe, perhaps even millions. Jolly impressive anyway. He peered into the distance looking for something. He did this every few minutes or so, but he never found what he was looking for, He didn’t let it worry him though. He wasn’t panicking. As far as he was concerned everything was going splendidly. He dabbed at himself with a large frothy sponge. It crept back into his mind that he was feeling mildly irritated about something. Now what was that all about?
…
Frodo and Sam trudged onwards up Baradur’s apparently endless corridors. Gorbag marched behind them barking the occasional order about not trying any funny stuff. Finally they reached a large iron door with an outsised and slightly singed spy hole. They entered. To Frodo and Sam this was exactly what the lair of a force of disembodied evil should look like, but the thing that really caught them off balance was the bath; an intestinal jumble of plumbing had been picked out in orc skin rather than thrown decently at midnight into the cracks of doom; the taps and shower attachment would have made a balrog jump. Gorbag approached it. “Sauron. sir!” he shouted through clenched fangs. A large genial and foam covered eyeball popped up above the rim of the monstrous bath.
“Ah, hello Gorbag”, said Sauron waving a cheery sponge, “having a nice day?”
“I have bought you the prisoners I located in Cirith Ungol my lord!” yapped Gorbag.
Frodo and Sam coughed in confusion
“Er… hello”, they said.
Sauron beamed at them. “excuse my not getting up, just having a quick bath”.
chicken! Douglas Adams, no?
yep - you get a paper hat 
notes of a dirty old hobbit, by charles bukowski
woke up at around three o clock that day, hearin some damn strange noise. it was someone knocking on my door, damn i hadnt heard that for a long time now, all those creepy guys who call themselfs relatives and run around in my damn cave drinking my alcohol, fucking in my rooms and eating my food dont use to knock when coming in
looked around in the room and tried not to think about cleaning up, thought of something to eat, then vomited on the floor
damn ale, damn pipe weed
a little time later I finally thought of opening that fucking door, my head seemed to explode because of that damn knocking
stood up, opened the door, saw gandalf, a pimp i had met in a dirty bar called “dragons cave”
he’s quite funny, thinks he is a damn wizard, or something
he started talking about some ring he wanted to see
that damn bum had run out of money i thought, but i let him in. i somehow like him and his crazyness
he started looking for a ring in my cave
thought it could last for hours and decided to take a drink
found some whisky in a slimy bottle and took a sip or two
in the meantime gandalf had woke up bilbo, my damn uncle.
at least he pretends to be that.
he started helping gandalf searching for that fucking ring.
began to be interrested in that ring. asked gandalf, who said that gollum, that poor old junkie, had given it to me.
thought about gollum. he looks awfull, lost most of his skin in an accident, never asked what exactly had happened
started thinking of something to eat for a second time that day as gandalf suddenly began to scream, way to loud if you asked me.
he had found that damn ring and shouted somethink like: " just as i expected, its that ring"
asked him what ring, he answered it would be saurons ring
didnt want to know who sauron was, took the ring, threw gandalf out and went to bed again
felt as if I was 111 years old, but then thought of my so called uncle who doesnt just feel but even looks like being 111 years old, which made me feel a bit better
awoke later that day, didnt want to stay, went out to a bar
a guy who called himself aragorn came to me and said gandalf had sent him and he would be sorry for not coming himself
I said I didnt want to date gandalf or any of his friends, but he didnt piss off
went home again still being followed by that maniac, who had started talking about that ring, about ring ghosts and a damn brothel called “elronds house” .
hadnt met any hobbit slut who was ready to fuck me that day and I somehow was interrested in that brothel, so i decided to ask aragorn to take me there instead of finishing my way home.
as we got there damn elrond seemed to await us already
didnt want to know why
gandalf was there too. I was certainly pissed off as they started talking about that ring too, told him i just wanted to fuck some pussy, but he replied that I had some kind of mission and i had to reach the steel plant “orodruin” in mordor street and that he would send some fellas with me
suddenly 6 guys appeared in the lounge. i examined them fastly while they were presenting themselves.
there was a fat guy who called himself sam and grinned all the time as if he was a complete moron.
and too guys called merry and pippin, who looked pretty similar to each other. stupid names i thought.
a blonde guy called legolas. seemed damn gay to me.
a bearded dwarf called gimli. i liked him.
a tall man called boromir. liked him too.
i had been drinking constantly all the time, so decided to do what elrond had said, although i still was sober enough to consider all this extremely crazy
so we went our way to mordor street
went in the first bar we passed by on our way. the others followed me. met balrog, whom i owed some money i still didnt have. he tried to hit me with a telephone receiver (stupid balrog) after a short argue, but good old gandalf helped me. he killed balrog with a knife, blood was all around in that damn bar.
we decided to leave the bar.
suddenly felt very tired. gave boromir that fucking ring and went home. at home i found a fat old hobbit whore in my bed. maybe bilbo had brought her to the cave
the problem was that the whore was dead. looked like an overdose, or something
brought her out of the cave and laid her on the street.
as i did so i recongnized that it was 10:00 am and a thunderstorm was coming up.
went in and fell asleep.
Act 1, The Fellowship of the Ring
-
Enter BILBO and GUESTS
BILBO: Today is my birthday! I am eleventy-one today!
GUESTS: Happy birthday Bilbo!
BILBO: Thank you and goodbye! -
BILBO vanishes
GUESTS: Hey, where’d he go? -
Exeunt omnes
-
Enter FRODO and GANDALF
GANDALF: Your uncle left you Bag End and everything in it, including this Ring.
FRODO: The Ring?
GANDALF: Yes. But keep it secret, keep it safe, and do not use it! -
Exit GANDALF
-
Beat
-
Enter GANDALF with slightly whiter beard and a few more wrinkles
FRODO: Gandalf!
GANDALF: Frodo, I have just spent nineteen years finding out that your uncle’s Ring, which he stole from Gollum, is the One Ruling Ring of the Dark Lord Sauron.
FRODO: How can you be sure?
GANDALF: I’ll put it in the fire. Beat And now look, it says “One Ring to bring them all and in the Darkness bind them!”
FRODO: How terrible. Beat Gandalf, you are wise and good. Will you not take the Ring?
GANDALF: NO!! Do not tempt me! Beat The Ring must be destroyed in the Cracks of Doom where it was forged.
FRODO: Then I shall have to leave the Shire.
SAM (outside window): Waah! -
GANDALF pulls SAM through window by his ear
GANDALF: And you can take this eavesdropper with you to Rivendell. -
Exit GANDALF
FRODO: We’ll leave on Bilbo’s birthday, Sam. Gandalf will be back by then. -
Beat
SAM: …Gandalf isn’t back, Mr Frodo.
FRODO: No. Well, we’d better go by ourselves. -
Enter PIPPIN
PIPPIN: Off to Crickhollow then, Frodo?
FRODO, PIPPIN and SAM (singing): Upon the hearth the fire is red… -
Exeunt omnes
-
Enter BLACK RIDER
BLACK RIDER: Baggins! Baggins! The Ring! *sniffs loudly -
Exit BLACK RIDER
-
Enter FRODO, PIPPIN and SAM
FRODO: Well, I call that queer, and indeed disturbing!
GILDOR and ELVES (offstage, singing): Snow-white! Snow-white! O Lady clear! -
Enter GILDOR and ELVES
FRODO: O Wise People! What shall we do?
GILDOR: shakes head Advice is perilous. It is said “Do not meddle in the affairs of Wizards”. The choice is yours: to go or wait. -
Exeunt GILDOR and ELVES
-
Enter BLACK RIDER
BLACK RIDER: Baggins! Baggins! The Ring! *sniffs loudly -
Exit BLACK RIDER
-
Enter FARMER MAGGOT
MAGGOT: You Black Riders get off my land, before I set my dogs on you! Hello, Mr Frodo. Come have some mushrooms, and then I’ll drive you to Bucklebury Ferry. -
Mime ride in cart
-
Enter MERRY, cloaked
MERRY: Baggins?
FRODO, SAM and PIPPIN: Aargh! A Black Rider!
MERRY: uncloaks What? Come on, get on the ferry. -
Exeunt omnes
-
Enter BLACK RIDER
BLACK RIDER: Baggins! Baggins! The Ring! *sniffs loudly -
Exit BLACK RIDER
-
Enter FRODO, SAM, PIPPIN and MERRY
MERRY: It’s all right, Frodo. We know all about the Ring. We’re ready to go.
ALL: (singing) We must away! We must away! We ride before the break of day.
PIPPIN: Are you sure we’ll be all right in the Old Forest?
MERRY: Don’t worry. The Brandybucks go in there from time to time. -
Exeunt omnes
FRODO, SAM, PIPPIN and MERRY: (offstage) Help! Help! The Willow-man! -
Enter BOMBADIL
BOMBADIL: Hey, come merry dol! derry dol! my darling! Old man Willow-Tree, what be you a-thinking of? -
Enter FRODO, SAM, PIPPIN and MERRY
FRODO: Thank you, Master!
PIPPIN: Gosh, it’s sunny on the Barrow-Downs.
FRODO: Yes. Let’s have lunch.
SAM: yawning And a nap. -
Exeunt omnes
FRODO, SAM, PIPPIN and MERRY: (offstage) Help! Help! The Barrow-Wight! -
Enter BOMBADIL
BOMBADIL: Hey, come merry dol! derry dol! my darling! Get out, you old Wight! Vanish in the sunlight! -
Enter FRODO, SAM, PIPPIN and MERRY
FRODO: Thank you, Master!
BOMBADIL: Now off to Bree with you. -
Exit BOMBADIL
-
Enter BUTTERBUR
BUTTERBUR: Welcome to the Prancing Pony! -
Enter BREE-FOLK
-
Enter STRIDER, sits in corner
BREE-FOLK: A song, Master!
FRODO: (singing) There is an inn, a merry old inn, beneath an old grey hill. Trips with hand in pocket. Vanishes
BREE-FOLK: Where’d he go? -
FRODO reappears next to STRIDER
STRIDER: Well, Mr Baggins, you have put your foot in it, or should I say your finger? I want a word with you. -
Exeunt BREE-FOLK and BUTTERBUR
STRIDER: You must take me with you.
FRODO: But we don’t know who you are! -
Enter BUTTERBUR
BUTTERBUR: Mr Baggins, I have a letter for you. -
Hands FRODO a letter
-
FRODO opens letter
GANDALF (off-stage): Bad news has reached me here. You can trust Strider. “All that is gold does not glitter; not all those who wander are lost.”
BUTTERBUR: Trust Strider? (sneers)
STRIDER: Then will you go with them and keep off the Black Riders? -
Darkness falls. Enter BLACK RIDERS
BLACK RIDERS: Baggins! Baggins! The Ring! *sniff loudly -
Exeunt BLACK RIDERS
-
Darkness lifts
BUTTERBUR: Me? Leave Bree? I durstn’t!
STRIDER: Then let’s be off. -
Exit BUTTERBUR
-
Exeunt omnes
STRIDER: This is Weathertop, and Gandalf was here three days ago. -
Darkness falls. Enter BLACK RIDERS
BLACK RIDERS: Baggins! Baggins! The Ring! *sniff loudly
FRODO: Must… put… on… The Ring!
BLACK RIDERS: The Ring! -
FRODO disappears under pile of BLACK RIDERS, screams “Elbereth!”, BLACK RIDERS recoil
FRODO: Must… take… off… The Ring! -
Exeunt BLACK RIDERS
-
Darkness lifts. FRODO lies prone
STRIDER: They pierced him with a Morgul Knife. To the Ford! -
All dash around in great haste, FRODO stumbling
-
Enter GLORFINDEL
STRIDER: Mae govannen!
GLORFINDEL: Take my horse, Frodo, and ride to Rivendell. -
Exit FRODO
GLORFINDEL: (calls offstage) Noro lim, noro lim, Asfaloth! -
Sound of hooves
-
Exeunt omnes
-
Enter FRODO, with wet feet; crosses stage
-
Enter BLACK RIDERS
BLACK RIDERS: Baggins! Baggins! The Ring! *sniff loudly
FRODO: By Elbereth and Luthien the Fair, you shall have neither the Ring nor me!
BLACK RIDERS: The Ring! beat The flood! -
Exeunt BLACK RIDERS, screaming
-
Frodo falls, lies senseless
-
Enter GANDALF
GANDALF: Wake up, Frodo! Elrond has healed you. -
Enter BILBO
BILBO: Frodo, my lad!
FRODO: Bilbo! -
BILBO and FRODO embrace
GANDALF: And now it’s time for the Council meeting. -
Enter ELROND, STRIDER (now called ARAGORN), BOROMIR, GIMLI, GLOIN, LEGOLAS.
-
Enter SAM and sits in the corner.
BOROMIR: “Seek for the Sword that was Broken”
ARAGORN: Here it is! Takes out shards of Narsil But it shall be reforged.
GLOIN: We have had visitors from Sauron asking about Baggins and a little ring, the least of rings, a trifle that Sauron fancies.
ELROND: And what shall we do with the Ring?
BOROMIR: Take it to Gondor!
ELROND: What does Saruman the White say?
GANDALF: Saruman has turned traitor. He desires the Ring for himself. He trapped me. I barely escaped.
ELROND: What news from the Elves of Mirkwood?
LEGOLAS: Alas! Smeagol, who is called Gollum, has escaped.
ELROND: The Ring must go to the fire, and this is a task that the small may perform as well as the great.
BILBO: Very well! Bilbo the silly hobbit started this business, and he had better finish it, or himself.
GANDALF: My dear Bilbo! But your part in this is done. -
Beat
FRODO: I will take the Ring, though I do not know the way.
SAM: But you won’t let him go alone, sir?
ELROND: No! With you will go Gandalf, and Aragorn, and Legolas for the Elves, and Gimli for the Dwarves, and Boromir for the Men of Gondor. -
Enter PIPPIN and MERRY
PIPPIN and MERRY: And us! -
Exeunt omnes
-
Enter GANDALF, ARAGORN, FRODO, SAM, GIMLI, PIPPIN, MERRY, BOROMIR and LEGOLAS
FRODO: How the wind howls! -
Enter WARGS
GANDALF: Naur an edraith ammen! Naur dan i ngaurhoth! -
Blast of fire incinerates WARGS
ARAGORN: Over the mountains!
FRODO, PIPPIN, SAM, MERRY: The snow! The snow!
BOROMIR: This will be the death of the Halflings!
GANDALF: Then we must pass through Moria.
ARAGORN: If you pass the doors of Moria, beware. -
Whole party circles stage.
GANDALF: The doors of Durin, lord of Moria. Speak, friend, and enter. *Sits, brow furrowed
BOROMIR: What a gloomy pool! *Throws stone in water
GANDALF: stands Of course! “Mellon!” -
PROMPT holds up cue-card: "Elvish for ‘Friend’ "
-
Creak of enormous door.
FRODO: Aargh! -
Panic breaks out. Miscellaneous shouts of “Look out, in the water”, etc ad lib, mime fight scene.
-
Mime journey in dark tunnels.
GANDALF: The Chamber of Records!
GIMLI: Alas! The tomb of Balin!
PIPPIN: What a gloomy well! *Throws stone down well
GANDALF: Fool of a Took!
LEGOLAS: Beware! Orcs!
GIMLI: Beware! A troll! -
Mime fight scene. FRODO falls, is helped away as party mime flight.
LEGOLAS: Aiee! A Balrog is come!
GIMLI: Durin’s Bane! -
Enter BALROG
GANDALF: This is a foe beyond any of you. To BALROG You cannot pass!
BALROG: roars -
GANDALF breaks staff on bridge
BALROG: roars
GANDALF: Fly, you fools! falls -
Exeunt omnes
-
Enter GOLLUM
GOLLUM: Baggins! Thief! Precious! We wants it! -
Exit GOLLUM
-
Enter FELLOWSHIP
ARAGORN: We are come to Lothlorien. -
Enter HALDIR, RUMIL and OROPHIN
HALDIR: You must be blindfolded.
GIMLI: I will go back rather!
LEGOLAS: A plague on the stiff necks of Dwarves!
ARAGORN: No, let us all be blindfolded.
LEGOLAS: I will not!
ARAGORN: A plague on the stiff necks of Elves!
HALDIR: Now meet the Lord and Lady. -
Enter CELEBORN and GALADRIEL
GALADRIEL: The quest hangs on a knife-edge. Yet hope there is while all the Fellowship remains true. -
Exeunt all except FRODO and GALADRIEL.
FRODO: The Ring is too large a matter for me. I will give it to you, if you ask for it.
GALADRIEL: All shall love me and despair! beat I pass the test. I will diminish, and go into the West, and remain Galadriel. -
Enter CELEBORN and FELLOWSHIP
GALADRIEL: Ring-bearer, you shall have this, a light to you when all other lights go out. -
GALADRIEL hands FRODO a phial.
GALADRIEL: And what gift would a Dwarf ask of the Elves?
GIMLI: None, Lady. Unless it is permitted to name a lock of your hair, as a talisman of friendship between the Mountain and the Wood until the end of days.
GALADRIEL: Then how shall I refuse? And I name you elf-friend and blessed.
CELEBORN: Now take these boats I give you to speed you on your way. -
FELLOWSHIP mime river-journey.
-
Exeunt omnes
-
Enter GOLLUM
GOLLUM: Baggins! Thief! Precious! We wants it! -
Exit GOLLUM
-
Enter FELLOWSHIP
ARAGORN: Now we are come to Rauros Falls and we must choose which way to go.
BOROMIR: I go to Minas Tirith, alone if need be!
FRODO: I cannot decide. Let me have time. -
Exeunt all except FRODO.
-
Enter BOROMIR
FRODO: I know what to do, Boromir, but I am afraid.
BOROMIR: Then give the Ring to me, and say I took it by force! -
FRODO vanishes.
BOROMIR: No! A madness took me, but it has passed! -
Enter FELLOWSHIP one or two at a time, running around in panic, calling for FRODO.
-
Enter ARAGORN and BOROMIR
ARAGORN: Boromir! Guard the two young hobbits! -
Exeunt ARAGORN and BOROMIR
GANDALF: (offstage, magna voce) Fool, take off the Ring! -
FRODO appears.
FRODO: The boats… -
Exit FRODO
-
Enter SAM
SAM: Use your head, Sam Gamgee! Where’s Frodo going… Back to the boats, Sam! -
Mime SAM falling into river, pulled out by FRODO
FRODO: Sam, you idiot!
SAM: You’re not going without me, Mr Frodo! -
Curtain*
Act 2, The Two Towers
-
Enter PIPPIN and MERRY
PIPPIN and MERRY: Help! Orcs! -
Enter BOROMIR
BOROMIR: *blows horn -
Exeunt omnes
-
Enter ARAGORN, LEGOLAS and GIMLI
ARAGORN: The horn of Boromir! He is in need! -
Exeunt omnes
-
Enter BOROMIR pierced with arrows. Falls
-
Enter ARAGORN
ARAGORN: Boromir!
BOROMIR: I tried to take the Ring from Frodo. I am sorry. I have paid. Orcs took the hobbits. Dies -
Enter GIMLI and LEGOLAS
-
BOROMIR is carried to wings. Mime putting in boat.
ARAGORN: Through Rohan over fen and field where the long grass grows, The West Wind comes walking and about the walls it blows.
LEGOLAS: O Boromir! The Tower of Guard shall ever northward gaze, To Rauros, golden Rauros Falls, until the end of days.
GIMLI: Now come. The thought of those merry young people driven like cattle burns my heart.
LEGOLAS, GIMLI and ARAGORN: Forward the Three Hunters! -
Exeunt omnes
-
Enter MERRY, PIPPIN and URUK-HAI. Cross stage and exeunt.
-
Enter LEGOLAS, GIMLI and ARAGORN. Cross stage and exeunt.
-
Enter MERRY, PIPPIN and URUK-HAI. PIPPIN lets fall brooch. Cross stage and exeunt.
-
Enter LEGOLAS, GIMLI and ARAGORN.
ARAGORN: drops to knee Not idly do the leaves of Lorien fall! -
LEGOLAS, GIMLI and ARAGORN cross stage and exeunt.
-
Enter MERRY, PIPPIN and URUK-HAI including GRISHNAKH.
GRISHNAKH: The filthy Horseboys! -
Enter RIDERS OF ROHAN. Mime battle scene. PIPPIN and MERRY crawl away. Exeunt omnes, fighting.
-
Enter LEGOLAS, GIMLI and ARAGORN. Sit. Enter RIDERS OF ROHAN and EOMER.
ARAGORN: What news from the North, Riders of Rohan? -
RIDERS encircle the Three.
EOMER: Who are you that travel our lands without leave?
ARAGORN: Travellers, who come from the Golden Wood.
EOMER: Then you have dealings with the Witch?
GIMLI: furious You speak evil of that which is fair beyond the reach of your thought, and only little wit can excuse you!
EOMER: I would cut off your head, if it stood a little higher from the ground.
LEGOLAS: He stands not alone! Draws bow
ARAGORN: Your pardon, Eomer. We are searching for our friends, who were carried away by Orcs.
EOMER: We have slain the Orcs. There were no survivors. But if you wish to search, take these horses, and come afterwards to Edoras. -
Exeunt EOMER and RIDERS
-
ARAGORN, LEGOLAS and GIMLI mime mounting horses, and exeunt.
-
Enter PIPPIN, MERRY and TREES.
MERRY: What a gloomy forest!
PIPPIN: The sun is going in. -
A TREE stirs. It is TREEBEARD
TREEBEARD: Hoom! Very odd, you are, root and branch.
PIPPIN: We are hobbits.
TREEBEARD: I am an Ent.
MERRY: Whose side are you on?
TREEBEARD: I am on nobody’s side. Nobody is on my side. But the Orcs of Saruman have murdered my trees. There must be an Entmoot. Come with me. And have some Ent-draught. -
Exeunt PIPPIN, MERRY and TREEBEARD.
-
Enter LEGOLAS, GIMLI and ARAGORN.
ARAGORN: studying ground The hobbits escaped into the Forest.
GIMLI: Look there! In the trees! The White Wizard! Shoot him. -
Enter GANDALF THE WHITE
-
LEGOLAS shoots an arrow into the air
ARAGORN: Gandalf!
GANDALF: Naked was I sent back, until my task is done. Now let us go to Edoras. calls Shadowfax! -
All mime mounting horses and exeunt.
-
Enter PIPPIN, MERRY, TREEBEARD and ENTS.
-
General murmur of “odd”, “not orcs”, “new line in the old lists”, “Saruman”, “orcs”, “tree-killer”, falling into silence.
-
Beat
TREEBEARD and ENTS: RA-HOOM-RAH! To Isengard with doom we come! -
Exeunt omnes
-
Enter THEODEN and GRIMA
GRIMA: Here comes Gandalf Stormcrow, who is called Ill-News! -
Enter GANDALF, ARAGORN, GIMLI and LEGOLAS
THEODEN: Ever you come at an ill time, Gandalf. -
GANDALF brandishes staff. Thunderclap.
GANDALF: I do not come to bandy words with Wormtongue. Down, snake! Down on your belly! -
GRIMA falls. THEODEN stands and moves to doorway (DS centre)
THEODEN: It is not so dark here.
GANDALF: Your fingers would remember their old strength better if they grasped a sword again. -
Enter EOMER and HAMA
EOMER: kneels Take mine, my King! It was ever at your service.
THEODEN: Bring me my own. Throw Wormtongue out. What shall I do, Gandalf?
GANDALF: Take your army to Helm’s Deep. -
Enter EOWYN. She sees ARAGORN. Brings THEODEN stirrup cup.
-
Enter RIDERS OF ROHAN and mime march.
-
Exit GANDALF
THEODEN: Behold the Hornburg, which has never been taken, if men defended it.
ARAGORN: And here come the Dunlendings.
DUNLENDINGS: offstage Forgoil! Strawheads!
LEGOLAS: And the Orcs of Saruman.
URUK-HAI: offstage Bring out your skulking King! We are the fighting Uruk-Hai! -
Ad lib enormous assault.
-
Enter ARAGORN and EOMER fighting DUNLENDINGS and URUK-HAI
-
Enter GIMLI
GIMLI: Baruk khazad! Khazad ai-menu! Kills two orcs in two swings of axe -
Exeunt omnes except GIMLI
-
Enter LEGOLAS
GIMLI: Two!
LEGOLAS: pats bow Twenty! -
Ad lib battle scene. Intermittent cries of “Khazad! Khazad!”
-
Enter GIMLI and LEGOLAS
GIMLI: Twenty-one!
LEGOLAS: Twenty-four! -
Ad lib battle scene as before. Loud explosion.
-
Enter ARAGORN
ARAGORN: Devilry of Saruman! The Orcs have brought a blasting fire. -
Exit ARAGORN. Ad lib battle scene.
-
Enter ARAGORN and THEODEN
THEODEN: I will not die like an old badger in a trap. When I ride out, will you ride with me?
ARAGORN: I will. -
Enter RIDERS OF ROHAN. Form up with ARAGORN and THEODEN at their head. Mime working up a massive charge.
-
Day dawns. Enter GANDALF, ERKENBRAND OF WESTFOLD and more ROHIRRIM. URUK-HAI and DUNLENDINGS flee.
URUK-HAI and DUNLENDINGS: (offstage) Aargh! The trees! -
Enter GIMLI and LEGOLAS
GIMLI: Forty-two, Master Legolas!
GANDALF: And now we must go and deal with Saruman. -
Exeunt omnes.
-
Enter GANDALF, THEODEN, ARAGORN, LEGOLAS, GIMLI and EOMER.
-
Enter PIPPIN and MERRY, smoking pipeweed.
GIMLI: Hammer and tongs! How came you by the weed?
MERRY: Come and share a pipe, and let us tell you how the Ents sacked Isengard! -
Enter SARUMAN
GANDALF: Beware of the Voice of Saruman.
SARUMAN: Will you not have peace with me?
THEODEN: We will have peace. When you hang from a gibbet for the sport of your own crows!
SARUMAN: Dotard! What is the House of Eorl but a thatched barn where brigands drink in the reek?
GANDALF: Saruman! I am Gandalf the White now. You have no colour, your staff is broken. -
Saruman’s staff breaks.
SARUMAN: screams
GRIMA: (offstage) Die!! -
Palantir falls from flies, narrowly missing Gandalf. Pippin goes to grab it, Gandalf gets it first.
GANDALF: And now to deal with Sauron. -
Whole party settles down to sleep. Pippin sneaks palantir from under Gandalf’s arm, looks in it, shrieks. Gandalf wakes.
PIPPIN: No, not for you, Saruman!
GANDALF: Peregrin Took! Come back! And come with me to Minas Tirith. Shadowfax!
ARAGORN: Give me the palantir, Gandalf, and I shall challenge Sauron. -
Exeunt omnes.
-
Enter FRODO and SAM
SAM: Well, master, we’re in a fix and no mistake. -
Enter GOLLUM
GOLLUM: Baggins! Thief! Precious! We wants it! -
SAM leaps on GOLLUM. GOLLUM seizes SAM in stranglehold. FRODO draws Sting.
FRODO: This is Sting! Let him go or you’ll feel it. -
GOLLUM releases SAM
GOLLUM: Mercy! They jumps on us like cats on poor mices.
FRODO: The rope, Sam. -
SAM ties GOLLUM with elven rope. GOLLUM screams.
GOLLUM: Take it off! Smeagol will be good. Smeagol will serve
the master of the Precious. -
FRODO removes rope.
FRODO: Show us the way to Mordor.
GOLLUM: Follow Smeagol! -
Mime passage of marshes.
FRODO: The Black Gate! And now to enter Mordor. I do not ask anyone to come with me.
GOLLUM: No, Master! He’ll eat everything, eat all the world. There is another way!
FRODO: Very well. -
Mime journey into Ithilien.
GOLLUM: muttering Smeagol promised. But He heard us make silly promise. Get the Precious, be good to ourselves, we be the master of the Precious, we serves ourselves. But there’s two of them. But She might help. No, not that way! Yes, we wants it!
FRODO: I’m tired, Sam.
SAM: He’s hungry, too. Here, Gollum! Find us something to eat. -
Exit GOLLUM
-
Enter GOLLUM with rabbits.
-
SAM makes rabbit stew, wakes FRODO, they eat.
FARAMIR (offstage): What’s that smoke?
GOLLUM: Achh, ssilly hobbitsses! -
Enter FARAMIR and RANGERS OF ITHILIEN
FARAMIR: Who are you that trespass here?
FRODO: A friend of all enemies of the One Enemy.
FARAMIR: Take them, but do not hurt them. And now for the Haradrim lately come up the road from the South. -
Exeunt FARAMIR and RANGERS OF ITHILIEN, except two who remain with FRODO and SAM. Sounds of battle, off. Sounds of trumpeting.
SAM: Master! An oliphaunt!
RANGER: Ware! Mumak! Mumak! -
Trumpeting swells to crescendo and diminishes.
-
Enter FARAMIR
FARAMIR: Blindfold them and bring them with us. -
SAM and FRODO are blindfolded. Exeunt omnes.
-
Enter FARAMIR, FRODO and SAM
FARAMIR: Who are you and where do you come from?
FRODO: We are hobbits from the Shire, and we came from Rivendell with two of my cousins, an Elf, a Dwarf, Gandalf, Aragorn and Boromir.
FARAMIR: Boromir? Were you Boromir’s friend?
FRODO: Yes, for my part.
FARAMIR: Boromir was my brother; and I would hope his companions would tell me how he died.
FRODO: Died?
SAM: See here, Faramir! It weren’t my master’s fault. From the moment he saw it, Boromir wanted the Enemy’s Ring!
FRODO: Sam!
FARAMIR: The Ring! beat Not if I found it by the road would I take it. What will you do with it?
FRODO: tired I am taking it to the Cracks of Doom. I do not think I shall ever get there. -
Enter ANBORN, a Ranger of Ithilien, with GOLLUM
ANBORN: Sir, we caught this creature fishing in the pool.
FRODO: Spare him! He is our guide.
FARAMIR: I will spare him, while he is under your protection. You may go. -
Exeunt FARAMIR and RANGERS OF ITHILIEN
GOLLUM: rubs neck Nassty men…
FRODO: He spared your life. And now for your secret entrance into Mordor.
GOLLUM: Follow, up the Stairs! -
Mime long and exhausting climb. GOLLUM goes in search of something to eat while FRODO and SAM rest.
SAM: What do you think it would be like to be a hero in a book, master? Falls into doze -
GOLLUM enters. He sees FRODO and SAM innocently asleep. A spasm of self-revulsion crosses his own face. He looks offstage, shakes head guiltily, reaches out to stroke FRODO’s hair. FRODO stirs and SAM wakes.
SAM: Here! What’ve you been doing, you old sneaker?
GOLLUM: Sneaking! -
Whatever tender feeling might have been in GOLLUM’s heart has just died forever.
FRODO: What’s the time?
GOLLUM: Time for the secret tunnel. Follow Smeagol! -
Mime entering dark tunnel. Exit GOLLUM.
FRODO: Smeagol?
SAM: Gollum? -
No reply
SAM: He’s run out on us, the sneak. -
Hideous, bestial hissing. Vast bulk of SHELOB enters.
FRODO: A spider! A monstrous spider!
SAM: Master! Your star-glass! -
FRODO takes out Phial of Galadriel and thrusts it at SHELOB. Light blazes, SHELOB falls back hissing.
FRODO: You take the glass, Sam, and I’ll cut these webs! Draws Sting There, we’re through! -
Exit FRODO
SAM: Wait, master! Wait for m- -
Enter GOLLUM and leaps on SAM. Fight. SAM throws GOLLUM off. GOLLUM flees.
-
Furious hissing offstage. FRODO screams.
SAM: Master! -
Exit SAM. Blackout.
-
Lights up on SAM holding Sting aloft, standing over FRODO. SHELOB is retreating, hissing furiously. SAM drops to knees.
SAM: Master? Don’t go where I can’t follow! -
SAM weeps.
SAM: I’m the last of the Company. I’ve got to take the Ring, Master; but I’ll be back when I’ve thrown it in the Crack of Doom, and I’ll never leave you again. Rest you quiet till I come! -
SAM takes Ring on chain from around FRODO’s neck and trudges off, with many a backward glance.
-
Enter SHAGRAT, GORBAG and ORCS.
SHAGRAT: Ha! A spy! -
ORCS seize FRODO
GORBAG: What’s the point? Her Ladyship’s killed him.
SHAGRAT: You fool! He’s not dead!
SAM: (off) Not dead?
SHAGRAT: To the Tower with him! -
Exeunt SHAGRAT, GORBAG and ORCS.
-
Enter SAM.
SAM: You bring him back! -
Sound of massive door slamming shut. Sam runs offstage, reappears as though rebounding off immovable object, falls senseless to floor.
-
Curtain
Act 3, The Return of the King
-
Enter GANDALF and PIPPIN
GANDALF: This is Minas Tirith. We go to see Denethor the Steward. Don’t mention Aragorn.
PIPPIN: Why not, Gandalf?
GANDALF: Because he will be King, when he comes. -
Enter DENETHOR, bearing the shards of BOROMIR’S horn
PIPPIN: That was Boromir’s horn!
DENETHOR: coldly And who are you?
PIPPIN: A Halfling. beat And I offer my service in memory of Boromir.
DENETHOR: I accept it. Now tell me all you can of my son and your journey. beat And now go and join the Guard, and they will tell you your duties. -
Exit PIPPIN and GANDALF. Exit DENETHOR.
-
Enter PIPPIN and GONDOREANS
GONDOREANS: murmuring Prince of the Halflings… alliance… five thousand swords… -
Enter BEREGOND
BEREGOND: Greetings, Master Halfling! Let me show you the city, and then you shall meet my son. -
Exit BEREGOND. Enter BERGIL
BERGIL: Let us be friends! Come, our allies are arriving. -
They go to the walls and watch the arrival of FORLONG and his household, PRINCE IMRAHIL, and other allies and vassals of Gondor
PIPPIN: So ends a fair day in wrath! -
Exeunt BERGIL and PIPPIN
-
Enter ARAGORN, GIMLI, LEGOLAS, THEODEN, EOMER, MERRY and RIDERS OF ROHAN
THEODEN: Who is it that comes here? -
Enter HALBARAD and RANGERS
ARAGORN: Halbarad!
HALBARAD: Receive this banner, and hear these words: Remember the Paths of the Dead.
ARAGORN: I will. to GIMLI and LEGOLAS Come with me. to MERRY Remain with King Theoden. -
Exeunt omnes. Enter EOWYN. Enter ARAGORN, LEGOLAS, GIMLI and HALBARAD.
EOWYN: Whither go you, my lord?
ARAGORN: To the Paths of the Dead.
EOWYN: Why?
ARAGORN: Because my duty calls me; as yours calls you to stay with your people.
EOWYN: Too often have I heard of duty! beat Take me with you.
ARAGORN: Nay, my lady. You have no business on the path I must tread.
EOWYN: Neither have these. They go with thee because they love thee. -
Exit EOWYN. Exeunt omnes.
-
Enter THEODEN, EOMER, RIDERS OF ROHAN and MERRY.
THEODEN: Who is this that comes?
EOMER: A messenger from Gondor. -
Enter MESSENGER. Hands THEODEN a black arrow.
THEODEN: The Black Arrow! beat Say to Denethor that Rohan will come, but first we must assemble all our strength.
MESSENGER: I will. -
Exit MESSENGER
MERRY: Will you receive my service, King Theoden?
THEODEN: I will; but you cannot come to the war. -
Exeunt THEODEN, EOMER and RIDERS OF ROHAN
MERRY: I won’t be left behind, to be called for on return! -
Enter DERNHELM
DERNHELM: Where will wants not, a way opens. If you will not be parted from the Lord of the Mark, you may come with Dernhelm. -
Exeunt DERNHELM and MERRY
-
Enter PIPPIN and BEREGOND
BEREGOND: Behold, in the air!
PIPPIN: Black Riders on wings! Gandalf save us. -
Enter GANDALF and FARAMIR
FARAMIR: A Halfling! How…? -
Enter DENETHOR
DENETHOR: What has happened?
FARAMIR: I met Frodo and his servant, and they went to Cirith Ungol.
GANDALF: dismayed When?
FARAMIR: Two days ago. I hope I have not done ill?
DENETHOR: Ill? You wizard’s pupil! Boromir would have brought me a mighty gift.
GANDALF: He would have taken it for himself, and you would not have known your son.
DENETHOR: That is no excuse for sending it in the hands of a witless Halfling into the land of the Enemy!
GANDALF: There was no better course. It would have burned your mind away if it had been brought here.
DENETHOR: beat Such words and ifs are vain. Faramir, you must go and captain Osgiliath.
FARAMIR: I will. But if I should return, think better of me.
DENETHOR: That depends on the manner of your return.
GANDALF: aside to Faramir. Do not throw your life away. Your father will remember that he loves you. -
Exeunt omnes. Enter MESSENGER
MESSENGER: The hordes of Mordor approach, and the Black Captain leads them. -
Enter GANDALF
GANDALF: Then I am needed there more than here. -
Exeunt MESSENGER and GANDALF
-
Enter GANDALF
GANDALF: The outwall is taken, the wounded are being sent in, and Faramir commands the rearguard.
PIPPIN: terrified Is the Dark Lord come?
GANDALF: No, but the Lord of the Nazgul, who shall not die by the hand of mortal man. -
Enter PRINCE ITHILIEN
PRINCE: We are ready to sortie and cover Faramir’s retreat.
DENETHOR: Do so. -
Exeunt omnes. Enter GONDOREANS. Cries of tumult and panic.
GONDOREAN: Faramir! Faramir is wounded!
ANOTHER GONDOREAN: The roads are cut! Rohan cannot come.
GONDOREAN: And the Morgul-host have brought catapults. -
Exeunt omnes. Enter FARAMIR on a bier, DENETHOR and PIPPIN
PIPPIN: Do not weep, lord. Perhaps he will get well.
DENETHOR: The fool’s hope has failed. The Enemy has found it, and my son lies with poison in his veins. Follow the Grey Fool, if you will. beat Farewell, Peregrin son of Paladin. Send for my servants. -
Exit PIPPIN. Enter SERVANTS. They bear away FARAMIR. Exit DENETHOR.
-
Enter PIPPIN and BEREGOND.
PIPPIN: Do not let anything dreadful happen! I am going to find Gandalf. -
Exeunt PIPPIN and BEREGOND
-
Enter GANDALF
-
Enter PIPPIN
-
Enter LORD OF THE NAZGUL
GANDALF: You cannot enter here!
LORD OF THE NAZGUL: Old fool! Die now and curse in vain. -
Silence. A cock crows. Horns blow.
-
PROMPT holds up cue-card: “The previous day…”
-
Enter THEODEN, EOMER, MERRY and GHAN-BURI-GHAN.
GHAN: The Wild Men will show you through the wood. -
They pass through the wood. Exit GHAN-BURI-GHAN.
THEODEN: takes horn, blows blast that bursts it Arise, arise, Riders of Theoden! Ride now! Ride now! Ride to Gondor! -
Mime enormous charge of six thousand cavalry.
-
Enter Southron cavalry and bearer of serpent standard. THEODEN overthrows standard-bearer.
-
Enter LORD OF THE NAZGUL. THEODEN falls. LORD OF THE NAZGUL stoops over him.
-
Enter DERNHELM and MERRY
DERNHELM: Begone, foul dwimmer-laik!
LORD OF THE NAZGUL: Thou fool! No living man may hinder me! -
DERNHELM removes helmet, is revealed as EOWYN
EOWYN: But no living man am I! -
LORD OF THE NAZGUL strikes EOWYN. She falls to knees. MERRY stabs LORD OF THE NAZGUL in back of knee; he stumbles, EOWYN beheads him and falls.
THEODEN: dying breath Farewell, Master Holbytla! -
Enter EOMER and RIDERS OF ROHAN. THEODEN signs: “he is the king now”. THEODEN dies.
EOMER: Mourn not overmuch. War now calls us. notices EOWYN What is this? Death take us all!
RIDERS: Death! -
Exeunt RIDERS and EOMER. Enter BEARERS and carry EOWYN away. Enter PRINCE ITHILIEN.
PRINCE: looking at EOWYN Men of Rohan, I deem that she yet lives! -
Exeunt omnes. Enter EOMER and RIDERS OF ROHAN.
EOMER: Corsairs! beat Out of doubt, out of dark, to the day’s rising; now for wrath, now for ruin and a red nightfall. beat Nay, it is not Corsairs but Aragorn out of the Paths of the Dead! -
Enter ARAGORN with RANGERS, LEGOLAS, GIMLI, HALBARAD, the SONS OF ELROND, etc.
ARAGORN: Thus we meet, though all the hosts of Mordor lay between us! -
Exeunt omnes. Sounds of battle, off.
-
Enter PIPPIN and GANDALF
PIPPIN: Gandalf! Denethor means to burn Faramir, and himself.
GANDALF: Then I must stop him. -
Exeunt PIPPIN and GANDALF. Enter DENETHOR, FARAMIR on bier, BEREGOND holding SERVANTS at bay.
-
Enter GANDALF and PIPPIN
GANDALF: Come! We are needed.
DENETHOR: Pride and despair! It is time for all to depart who would not be slaves!
GANDALF: But you will not burn your son. -
GANDALF picks up FARAMIR.
DENETHOR: Give me a torch! -
A servant throws him one. DENETHOR breaks his staff and ignites the pyre beneath him. Exeunt omnes.
-
Enter GANDALF and BEREGOND
GANDALF: Go now to the Houses of Healing, to be with Faramir, whom you saved. -
Exit BEREGOND. Exit GANDALF. Enter MERRY, staggering. Enter PIPPIN
PIPPIN: Come on, Merry! -
Enter BERGIL
PIPPIN: Bergil! Tell Gandalf that Merry is here. -
Exit BERGIL
-
Enter bearers with EOWYN and FARAMIR. Enter GANDALF. Enter IORETH the wise-woman.
IORETH: Oh, if only we had a King! For the hands of a King are the hands of healing.
GANDALF: Men may long remember your words, Ioreth. -
Enter ARAGORN and EOMER
ARAGORN: Come, athelas! Life to the dying in the king’s hand lying. -
Enter BERGIL, hands athelas leaves to ARAGORN
ARAGORN: Awake, Faramir.
FARAMIR: stirs What does the king command?
ARAGORN: Eowyn, awake. Call her!
EOMER: Eowyn!
EOWYN: stirs Eomer! What joy is this?
ARAGORN: Awake, Merry.
MERRY: stirs I am hungry. What is the time?
GANDALF: And now we must decide what to do. -
Exeunt omnes. Enter ARAGORN, GANDALF, PRINCE IMRAHIL, the SONS OF ELROND and EOMER.
GANDALF: Here is our plight, and Sauron’s. If he regains the Ring, he is victorious. If it is destroyed, he is defeated. Sauron knows this, and will attack us.
EOMER: How will he dare, if we have the Ring?
GANDALF: Because he will think we cannot master it in time; or we will quarrel.
ARAGORN: Therefore we must attack him, so that he will think we have it, and so take his attention away from the Ring-Bearer.
ELORHIR, SON OF ELROND: That is our father’s advice.
EOMER: My friend Aragorn’s word is enough for me.
IMRAHIL: And for me, though we must leave Minas Tirith defended.
ARAGORN: Then we shall take what strength we can, and be gone. -
An army seven thousand strong assembles and marches off.
ARAGORN: Let the faint-hearted depart. -
Rather less than six thousand carry on to the Black Gate
-
Enter the MOUTH OF SAURON
MOUTH OF SAURON: How pathetic! And your spy’s errand failed. Holds up SAM’s sword, FRODO’s coat of mail, etc. -
GANDALF snatches them.
GANDALF: Begone, foul Mouth of Sauron! -
MOUTH OF SAURON flees. Black Gate opens, the better part of a hundred thousand orcs, trolls, Southrons, Easterlings etc spill out and surround the armies of the West.
PIPPIN: At least I will stab this troll! -
PIPPIN slays troll, which falls on him.
VOICE (off): The Eagles are coming. -
Blackout.
-
PROMPT holds up cue-card: “A few days previously”
-
Lights up. SAM is discovered lying senseless.
-
SAM stirs.
SAM: Must… rescue… master. -
Noises of orcs yelling, etc.
SAM: I’m coming, Mr Frodo! -
Yelling rises to climax and fades away. SAM climbs tower. SAM trips over GORBAG and SHAGRAT fighting. SHAGRAT stabs GORBAG, knocks SAM over and flees.
SAM: (sings) Beyond all towers strong and high…
FRODO: (off, sings) Beyond all towers strong and high… -
Sound of whip. Enter SNAGA, cracking whip at someone off-stage. SAM attacks SNAGA, who exits. Sounds of scream and fall. FRODO is discovered.
SAM: Mr Frodo?
FRODO: Sam! beat They took everything.
SAM: No, not everything, Mr Frodo. shows Ring
FRODO: GIVE IT HERE, YOU THIEF! beat Sam…!
SAM: It’s all right. Let’s go. -
Exit SAM and FRODO
-
Enter GOLLUM
GOLLUM: Thief! Baggins! Precious! We wants it! -
Exit GOLLUM
-
Enter SAM and FRODO disguised as orcs.
-
Enter ORCS and SLAVE-DRIVER
SLAVE-DRIVER: Get in line, you deserters! -
FRODO and SAM fall into line
-
More orcs arrive. Fight breaks out between first and second bands of orcs. Exit FRODO and SAM.
-
Exeunt orcs
-
Enter FRODO and SAM, minus orc gear.
FRODO: The Mountain, at last! -
Enter GOLLUM
GOLLUM: Wicked Master! Mustn’t hurt Precious!
FRODO: (magna voce) Begone, or be cast into the Fire of Doom!
SAM: You go on, Master, I’ll settle him! -
Exit FRODO
SAM: Now, at last!
GOLLUM: Mercy! When Precious goes, we’ll be dust!
SAM: Oh, curse you. Be off! -
Exit GOLLUM
-
Enter FRODO. Flickering red light proclaims this to be the Crack of Doom.
FRODO: I have come. But I do not choose now to do what I came to do. The Ring is mine! Puts on Ring and vanishes -
Enter GOLLUM, springs on the invisible FRODO.
-
FRODO reappears, clutching a hand that is minus one finger.
GOLLUM: Precious! Overbalances, falls in Crack of Doom still clutching severed finger with Ring on it. PRECIOUUUSSSS…! -
Mountain begins to explode.
SAM: Master! Your poor hand!
FRODO: Let us forgive Gollum. I am glad you are here at the end of all things. -
Blackout.
-
Lights up. Battle before the Black Gate is discovered, Mordor-host fleeing in panic and confusion.
GANDALF: The Ring-bearer has accomplished his quest! Summons GWAIHIR THE WINDLORD and two other Eagles To Mount Doom, now! -
The Eagles fly to Mount Doom and recover SAM and FRODO, now unconscious.
-
Enter all the good guys. SAM and FRODO wake. They see GANDALF.
SAM: Gandalf! Is everything sad going to come untrue?
GANDALF: A great Shadow has departed! -
Big celebration, much cheering.
-
Exeunt omnes
-
Prompt holds up cue card: “Meanwhile in Minas Tirith”
-
Enter EOWYN and FARAMIR
FARAMIR: Eowyn, do you not love me, or will you not?
EOWYN: No longer do I desire to be a queen.
FARAMIR: But I will wed with the White Lady of Rohan, if she will. -
Another big celebration
-
Enter GONDOREANS and all the good guys.
FARAMIR: Shall Aragorn be king?
GONDOREANS: Yea!
ARAGORN: Et Earello Endorenna utulien. Sinome maruvan ar Hildinyar tenn’ Ambar-metta! -
He is crowned by GANDALF and enters Minas Tirith.
-
Enter ELROND and his household, CELEBORN and GALADRIEL, and ARWEN EVENSTAR.
-
ARAGORN marries ARWEN.
FRODO: Now I want to go home, but first I want to visit Rivendell and see Bilbo.
ARWEN: Take this gem to comfort you in pain; and if you wish, go into the West in my place. -
Exit ARAGORN and ARWEN
EOWYN: Merry, take this in memory of the Mark. -
Gives MERRY a horn.
-
Enter TREEBEARD
TREEBEARD: Hoom! I let Saruman go. I thought he was harmless now.
GANDALF: Well, it is done now.
ARAGORN: And I will give the Ents all this valley to do with as they please.
LEGOLAS: Gimli and I will visit Treebeard now.
GIMLI: Goodbye! -
Exeunt GIMLI, LEGOLAS and TREEBEARD
ARAGORN: And I will return to Minas Tirith -
Exit ARAGORN
-
Enter SARUMAN and GRIMA
GANDALF: What are you up to?
SARUMAN: Will you order my goings, and are you not content with my ruin?
GANDALF: No and no.
SARUMAN: You pulled down your house when you destroyed mine. Go! -
Exeunt SARUMAN and GRIMA
GALADRIEL: And now we return to Lothlorien. -
Exeunt GALADRIEL and CELEBORN
-
Enter BILBO
BILBO: Hello, Frodo my lad! Just in time for my birthday. -
beat*
FRODO: Goodbye, Bilbo. -
Mime journey to Shire
-
FRODO winces
GANDALF: Are you in pain, Frodo?
FRODO: Well, yes. -
Enter BUTTERBUR
BUTTERBUR: Welcome back! But there are bad times here and in the Shire. -
Exit BUTTERBUR
MERRY: Well, Gandalf is with us, so things will soon be cleared up.
GANDALF: No, you can do it yourselves now. I’m off to see Tom Bombadil. -
Exit GANDALF
-
Hobbits come to gate at Brandywine Bridge and hammer on in.
-
Enter HOB HAYWARD
HAYWARD: Be off with you! Chief’s orders, up at Bag End.
MERRY: What, Lotho Sackville-Baggins?
FRODO: It’s time his family dealt with him.
HAYWARD: Now, you watch out for the Chief’s Big Men!
SAM: Whatever shall we do? -
MERRY takes out the Horn of Rohan
MERRY: …Raise the Shire! -
Blows horn. Enter FARMER COTTON. Crowd of hobbits gather, cheering. Mime short battle with Men.
FRODO: And now for the Chief.
COTTON: It’s not just the Chief, it’s Sharkey that’s the mischief. -
Enter SARUMAN and GRIMA
FRODO: Sharkey! beat Go away.
HOBBITS: Don’t let him go! Kill him! Murderer! (etc)
FRODO: No. Go, Saruman, by the speediest route. -
SARUMAN produces hidden knife, stabs FRODO. It bounces off FRODO’s mithril coat.
FRODO: No! Even now, do not kill him.
SARUMAN: Come on, Wormtongue. -
Enter GRIMA
FRODO: Wormtongue! You can stay.
SARUMAN: I don’t think so! He killed your Lotho. Leave him to me. kicks Wormtongue in face. Follow! -
GRIMA draws knife, pounces on SARUMAN, cuts his throat, turns to flee, and is shot by HOBBITS.
A BYWATER HOBBIT: …Sharkey’s End.
FRODO: beat Let’s get the Shire back in order. -
Blur of activity. Lots of planting, weeding, growing, record harvests, occasional glimpse of Frodo remembering one or another wound or the loss of the Ring. Mime SAM’s wedding to ROSE COTTON and birth of hobbit-baby ELANOR. Exeunt omnes except FRODO and SAM.
FRODO: Will you come on a journey with me, Sam? -
Enter GILDOR and ELVES, ELROND, GALADRIEL, and BILBO.
SAM: Where are you going, Master?
FRODO: To the Havens.
SAM: And I can’t come.
FRODO: Not yet. -
Enter CIRDAN THE SHIPWRIGHT
CIRDAN: All is now ready. -
Enter GANDALF.
-
Exit CIRDAN
-
Enter MERRY and PIPPIN
PIPPIN: Gandalf gave you away this time, Frodo.
GANDALF: Yes. I will not say: do not weep: for not all tears are an evil. -
Mime boarding Elven-ship. Exeunt ELROND, GALADRIEL, GILDOR, ELVES, BILBO, FRODO and GANDALF.
-
Mime return to Shire. Exeunt MERRY and PIPPIN.
-
Enter ROSE, hands baby to SAM
SAM: Well, I’m back. -
Curtain.
Thank you, thank you, thank you bows
Well nobody took me up on the idea, so here goes. It’s a bit like Tennesse Williams, but more like the most ghastly musical ever released in the history of Earth, and this is includes the works of Sir Andrew Lloyd Weber!
** A Darklord named Sauron - the Musical **
Tennesse Williams
ACT TWO
SCENE 1: Wilderness between Bree and Rivendell
ARAGORN: We should head for yonder hill.
FRODO: But won’t we attract the Nazg’l.
ARAGORN: Per’aps we may, but nontheless…
FRODO: How I hate this goddarn’ quest.
(Frodo et al ride on to Weathertop.)
(Enter Nazgul.)
NAZGUL 1: Put on the ring, and we’ll show mercy.
FRODO: But it’ll enslave me for eternity.
NAZGUL 2: Put it on, or you will fall.
FRODO: I can’t resist their evil call.
(Frodo puts on ring and gets stabbed.)
FRODO: I am wounded, and beginnin’ to fade.
ARAGORN: Back Nazgul, or taste mah blade.
(Exuent Nazgul)
FRODO: I’ve been wounded by a weapon fell.
ARAGORN: Best we make for Rivendell.
(Frodo et al head onwards down road)
PIPPIN: I swear I heard some jingling bells.
MERRY: Perhaps it’s one of those lady elves.
(Enter Glorfindel)
GLORFINDEL: No lady elf am I.
ARAGORN: Let’s argue this later, we need to fly.
(Nazgul enter and stand at edge of stage)
GLORFINDEL: Frodo, take my horse and fly.
FRODO: I cannot leave my friends to die.
GLORFINDEL: They seek the ring, and not your friends.
FRODO: Then I must flee to Middle Earth’s ends.
(Frodo rides away with Nazgul in pursuit)
NAZGUL: Back to Mordor we will take ye.
FRODO: Never, never shall any take me.
NAZGUL: But our Lord Sauron’ll give a rich reward.
FRODO: I’ll hear you out on the other side of the Ford.
(Frodo crosses Ford and turns to face Nazgul. Nazgul stop at edge, dismount and line up in Ford.)
(Cue synchronised dance routine!)
(Nazgul stand in line arms akimbo.)
NAZGUL: You can always depend on the kindess of Sauron.
(Nazgul cross step left)
NAZGUL: Those who serve well, he heaps great rewards on.
(Nazgul cross step right.)
NAZGUL: One things on which you can always bet.
(Hands to foreheads and swing gaze 180 degrees left to right. Great wave forms behind them.)
NAZGUL: Sauron’s just a friend you haven’t met.
(Nazgul raise swords high pointing top-right and are then swept away by the wave, but as they are swept away…)
NAZGUL: You haven’t met…
FRODO: DARK LORD!
(Frodo slumps in horse.)
End of Scene 1
Well PseudoRandom, I don’t know if this is better, but I hope you enjoy reading it all the same:
Follows an affectionate tribute to the discursive, tangential and inevitably frustrating pastiches that Kim Stanley Robinson tends to include towards the end of his novels when he has otherwise run out of plot:
“I saw one of the Fellowship the other day, that Gamgee fellow, he’s over eleventy-one years old now, doesn’t look a day over ninety-five. Still pottering away in his garden - he’s developed several different varieties of pipe-weed by cross-breeding them. Got this totally amazing way of reproducing the plants without soil. Apparently he collects the stems and grows new roots in little blown-glass jars for a couple weeks. Then… (five pages of detailed description of pipeweed propagation follows) …so if we employ this technique for ourselves, the Shire can be totally self-sufficient in pipeweed production within five years, and then we can cut our ties with the Breelanders altogether!”
…The War of the Ring is a fabrication to justify the hegemony of Man over ancient Elvish forests. The Elves never left voluntarily, they were driven out! We must expose this deliberate falsification of history and reclaim Lothlorien and Mirkwood for Elvish kind…
“Did I tell you, I met a traveller the other day, cloaked in White, who claimed to have seen the Ringbearer in person?”
“You’re crazy man, the Ringbearer passed into the Grey Havens fifty years ago - he’d have to be at least eleventy-one by now…he’d be unrecognisable.”
“But I heard he’d been sighted in the Northron Wastes.”
“No, it was in the Misty Mountains.”
“You’ve got him confused with his uncle, Bilbo. He’s still roaming in and out of Mirkwood, with a wandering caravan of dwarf miners.”
Why should only Istari and Elves enjoy such long life-spans? Their longevity treatments allow them to control the affairs of Middle Earth, while they use us as pawns in their centuries-old Wars. If we Rohirrim combine our resources with that of the Gondorians, I’m sure we can squeeze the secret out of them…
The defeat of Sauron’s and Saruman’s armies signals the final victory of mobile, diverse, adaptable societies over the monolithic military-industrial complex. By keeping on the move and out of sight, the population of Rohan was able to take refuge in Helm’s Deep, where they could have held out indefinitely, virtually undetectable.
Furthermore, the surprise Entish attack was a masterful example of guerrilla warfare. Never suspecting that his greatest threat was right under his nose, Saruman over-stretched his resources in a desperate lunge for Helm’s Deep, rendering Orthanc hopelessly vulnerable.
Now, if Sauron had used the same techniques as the rebels, he could have snared the Ring from Frodo with a relatively small, inconspicuous force of turncoat Hobbits, who could have persuaded Frodo to entrust the Ring to their care before he even set out from the Shire.
“…He was riding a giant Eagle, man! Wingspan was easily fifty feet across if it was an inch, sailing the katabatic gusts out of Mordor…”
“The Ents have the right idea. They have an economy based entirely on what the natural resources of the land will generate, and they have a perpetual stewardship over Fangorn to ensure its ongoing sustainability.”
“Now that just reveals your anti-Man bias. Everyone knows Rohan needs room to expand.”
…And so on until either he thinks of another plot point to add, or the book ends, whichever is the earlier.
Thanks! I knew someone could do it! 
As Frodo ran stumbling down the dock to Buckleberry Ferry, the Nazgul pursued him in a mad frenzy on their bristling black steeds.
Sam, Pippin, and Merry were calling to Frodo in terror to hurry, but everything seemed to be moving so slowly to Frodo- as if everything but the Nazgul in pursuit were standing still and he had no means of escape.
In the dark, the dock looked long and intimidating. Frodo half wished he could put on the ring…
The head Nazgul was muttering to himself as Frodo fled desperately down the dock.
“Damned little halfling! How dare he run from the power of the Nazgul! We shall ensnare him and bring him to Sauron!!”
The oother Nazgul uttered dark replies in the tongue of their master to show their agitation with the elusive hobbit.
Frodo was halfway down the dock when out of no where his foot caught in a rotted knot in the wood.
“AHHHH!!! Sam!!!” he cried as his eyes bulged and he lurched forward. The sudden momentum sent the hobbit flying over the rest of the dock.
Sam, Merry, and Pippin gazed wide-eyed at their comrade, for they had never seen a hobbit fly before. What other talents does he hide? they thought. They glanced back at each other and each had a strange. bubbly feeling come over him. They raised their arms around each other and broke into song:
“He can fly, He can fly,
He can fly , He can fly!”
Of course, they were in perfect three part harmony with each other, since after all, this is Disney- Sam giving a strong bass, Merry with the tenor, and Pippin, well Pippin could only go as low as mezzo-soprano…
Meanwhile, the Nazgul were on the dock right where Frodo had stumbled. The horses reared in half terror of the water and the flying hobbit. The Nazgul tried in vain to hold on, but their steeds reared this way and that, and they were thrown off into the misty air above. Each Nazgul looked a large, cynical Fledermaus.
The three singing hobbits suddenly cut their song short in the middle of Merry’s cadenza at the sight of the Fledermaus-Nazgul.
However, instead of ceasing to sing altogether, they looked at each other with that same bubbly feeling, their arms went up and they broke into song once again:
"Watch them zoom around the sky,
Look at how they fly!
If there’s one thing they possess
Is a Fledermaus-like dress!
They can fly, they can fly, they can fly they can fly-"
However, because they Nazgul never went to the company gym on Mount Doom (appropriately named Buns of Melted Magma), the weight of the five sent them plummeting into the icy depths below.
Merry and Sam looked at Pippin, Pippin felt bubbly, and he stepped forward into a very absurd path of moonlight on the raft that seemed like a spotlight and sang in a very melancholy, melodramatic voice:
“They can’t fly, they can’t fly, they can’t they can’t fly…”
Merry and Pippin stepped up to join him:
“They can’t flyyyyyy-yyyyy-yyyyy-yyy-yyyy!!!”
Pippin ended on a very impressive high C note ending chord of Merry on a G and Sam on the low C. At the same moment, a tremendous, snarling whoosh! sounded in the water. All Nazgul had fallen.
Frodo still sat in terror in a corner of the raft, and as Pippin ended his high C, Frodo mad a mad dash for the dock and jumped for the wet wood to escpae his singing comrades.
To this day, The Three Hobbits (TTH) is a successful hit all around Middle-earth. Also, to this day, Frodo is still cowering somewhere in the Barrow Downs in terrible fear of Pippin and his high C. So much for the hounden tenors!
I’m thinking that it’s probably better this way, leaving off the last line…
I have something in my pocket,
It belongs upon my hand.
I keep it very close to me,
When strolling 'bout the land.
I’m sure you couldn’t guess it,
If you guessed a long, long while.
So I’ll take it out and put in on.
Pity that so many of the submissions are little more than direct quotations of other bits, poems, stories, etc., with names substituted here and there. Thank God for the original writers, like you, KathleenTheCritic! I love your stuff! That said, let me add some more to this bloated beast of a thread, starting with some not-so-contemporary music, with an extra verse for closure…
This here’s a jam for all the fellas
Swear you’re not geeks, or so you tell us
In line hours early ‘cause you’re overzealous
Back row seats gone and you get jealous
OK smarty
Bilbo’s party
He’s got the ring and is actin’ retardy
Wraiths in the Shire tryin’ to get directions
Sayin’ “SSSSShire, Baaaggins!” and causin’ conniptions
Next there’s Frodo
First-class dodo
Runnin’ with Samwise ya think that they’re homos
Meet Merry and Pippen out stealin’ the crops
And you still think it’s funny givin’ pipe-weed props
The Hobbits flee now
Off to Bree now
You’re checkin’ your watch 'cause you gotta pee now
Shirefolk meet Strider and you think it’s groovy
Well sit back, fanboy, and just watch the movie
If you want him,
Come claim him…
If you want him, baby,
come claim him… Just watch the movie
If you want him,
Come claim him…
If you want him, baby,
come claim him… Just watch the movie
In Bree city
People ain’t pretty
Director’s cameo is dirty and gritty
Strider’s got the plan, gonna show them the way
If they can get to Rivendell, things will be okay
Is Strider fakin’?
Goodness sake-en!
This is the guy who’ll bring home the bacon!
Got no Gandalf and you got no route?
Then you got ol’ Strider to help you out!
So in the wild they trek fast
No second breakfast
Elevenses, tea, dinner, supper or repast
Ringwraiths stab Frodo tryin’ to do the deed
And Strider’s caught off guard cuttin’ kingsfoil weed
It’s Arwen of course
Frodo’s on the horse
And she’s flyin’ to Rivendell like on a racing course
The wraiths are givin’ chase, lookin’ evil and spooky
So sit back, fanboy, and just watch the movie!
If you want him,
Come claim him…
If you want him, baby,
come claim him… Just watch the movie
If you want him,
Come claim him…
If you want him, baby,
come claim him… Just watch the movie
On with the mission
You’re just wishin’
Something could cure your bladder condition
Wraiths cross the river in all the wrong places
No victory yet, just water horse-faces
In damnation
Frodo’s inclination
Is to become a wraith and flee the situation
Since the knife in the dark nearly stabbed him to death
And he’s well on his way to becomin’ a wraith
The movie’s slowin’
But you’re not goin’
Despite the fact Liv Tyler’s acting’s blowin’
Frodo wakes up, he’s in Elrond’s house
And Gandalf’s there too, still smokin’ out
So with the council rollin’
In Gimli’s strollin’
The rings the thing no one will be controllin’
Elrond’s council turns bitter and moody
So sit back, fanboy, and just watch the movie
If you want him,
Come claim him…
If you want him, baby,
come claim him… Just watch the movie
If you want him,
Come claim him…
If you want him, baby,
come claim him… Break it down for me, Fellowship…
[drum/instrumental riff]
Liv and Aragorn tarry
Plight their troth to marry
Before he heads south and the journey gets hairy
Boromir and Legolas have joined with the crew
And you’re thinkin’ to yourself, ‘Hey! They’re poofters, too!"
On Caradhras
Saruman’s badass
Gandalf can’t get the Fellowship over the damn pass
“Let the Ringbearer decide!” And you think Duh!
It’s time to get your asses into Moria!
Gandalf’s thinkin’
And Gollum is slinkin’
Near Balin’s Tomb the arrows start plinkin’
The goblins got the cave troll so the deck is stacked
But the Fellowship is brave and they’re fightin’ back
Then Gandalf’s crass
“You shall not pass!”
But the Balrog STILL turns around and whips his ass
You’re fighting your own kidneys from goin’ KABLOOIE!
Cross your legs, fanboy, and just watch the movie!
By Nimrodel
The elves are fell
The queen of the forest is Ga-lad-riel
She sees the boys off after givin’ some gifts
But hottie Cate Blanchett’s what the fanboys miss
Boromir’s plottin’
Gone core rotten
“Gimme the ring you filthy misbegotten…!”
Frodo’s up the hill climbin’ up the big stairs
To look out at Mordor from the big stone chair
Then there’s orcs warcryin’
Boromir’s dyin’
Pip and Merry are taken and away they’re flyin’
Frodo and Sam make the decision to flee
What comes next, fanboy? See the next movie!
If you want him,
Come claim him…
If you want him, baby,
come claim him… Just watch the movie
If you want him,
Come claim him…
If you want him, baby,
come claim him… Movie fanboy!
[fade out]
I can hereby anounce that a journalist on the biggest newspaper in Sweden (dagens nyheter) was so amused by this thread that you can read about it on the frontpage of the culturalpages. if you speak swedish and want to check it out do so on this adress: http://www.dn.se/ringen
Thanks so much! I have to do original stuff because I’m not a big fan of 20th-century fiction–so I’m not familar with most of the authors that people are spoofing!! I went to public schools, so I never had to read any of the “classics.” 
When I read for pleasure, it’s usually mysteries by Sue Grafton, Elizabeth Peters and Elizabeth George. They all tend to have female protagonists, so they don’t lend themselves to a LOTR spoof. I thought about doing an “R is for Ringbearer” a la Sue Grafton, but I couldn’t get it much past Frodo having a little black cloak that was suitable for all occasions and cutting his hair with Sting. Oh well.
Thanks again for the compliment!
Kathleen
I agree with you about KathleenTheCritic. However, for many of us derivitive hacks, we must find humor and audience within the boundaries of our abilities. And those submissions, the sharp satire and keen observations, are not necessarily less entertaining for being less original. They are just less original.
(someone told me this one hadn’t been done yet, i appologize if this is a repeat)
Excerpts from Monty Python’s Lord of the Rings
It was the year 2941 of the Third Age when a small inconsequential Hobbit nicked the One Ring of General Nastiness. Sauron, Lord of Insufficient Light sought to recover this ring and with it to cover all of Middle Earth in dim duskiness. An intrepid company of Hobbits, Men, Elves and Dwarves set off on a quest to destroy the ring.
Opening scene. The “fellowship” at a feast in Rivendale
We’re the fellowship of the ring
We like to dance and sing
We don’t take %^*# from anyone
'cause Aragorn’s a king.
To Mordor, from Rivendale
We’ll tell great tales and drink fine ale
When ever heinous foes are near
We turn our feet and run in fear
We’re the fellowship…of the ring
Cut to flash back many years earlier. Aragorn as a teenager and Elrond in Rivendale.
Elrond “It was 3000 years ago today that your great great …(later)… great granddaddy and I gave Sauron a sound thrashing, and now its your destiny to follow in his footsteps, lead the free peoples of Middle Earth against the Lord of Insufficient Light, and re-establish the kingship of Gondor, thus uniting all mortal men.”
Aragorn in a whiny voice “But I don’t want any that. I just want to sing…”
Elrond “Stop, stop, stop, there’ll be none of that here. I’m over 7000 years old now and I’m tired by being jolly. I’ll make a deal with you. You give me your solemn vow, to depart this realm upon reaching manhood, and you can have my daughter.”
Exterior Scene, Frodo in Mordor, at Mount Doom.
Narrator "After a long arduous journey, Frodo and his faithful companion arrive at the entrance to Mount Doom, only to find it guarded by two policemen.
Policeman #1 “Are you Frodo Baggins of the Shire?”
Frodo “I am he”
Policeman #1 “We have a warrant for your arrest on several charges; accepting stolen property, e.g. The One Ring; and damage of personal property, e.g. some pillows, bed linen and such, at the Prancing Pony, while posing as one Mr. Underhill.”
Sam “Take one step closer to Mr. Frodo and you’ll taste of my blade!”
Policemen #2 “Be advised Mr. Sam Gamgee that you are also wanted as an accomplice to the later offence. Don’t complicate maters by resisting arrest.”
Final Scene
Aragorn and the Steward of Gondor
Aragorn, with enthusiasm and an aristocratic air “Hello, I’m Aragorn son of Arathorn, rightful heir to the thrown of Gondor. I’m here to be your king.”
Steward “Hang on a minute. What proof do you have that you are the heir.”
Aragorn, annoyed but undaunted. “Well, you have my word, and that of Elrond in Rivendale”
Steward “So you’ve been hanging about in the woods with the elves and suddenly you want to be king.”
Aragorn “I don’t WANT to be king, but it is my duty as rightful heir…”
Steward “So you come here claiming to be so-and-so, son of so-and-so, and I’m supposed to turn over the entire system of government to you? What do you know about running a city? Last month all the sewers backed up. Fat lot of good your sword would of been then. We had to engineer a new drainage system. This is not some Elvin fairy land you know. Last year when we had a the Cart Drivers strike, I suppose you would’ve just lopped off some heads…”
Aragorn “Alright, alright, you can have your White city and your seven circles and the whole of Middle Earth for all I care. Arwen! Lets go. We’re leaving for the havens.”
Steward “Oh, running away are you? Come back here you silly ranger so I can taunt you a second time.”
Dear unfortunate reader,
My advice to you is to dig a very deep hole in the terra-firma and gently place these books at the bottom and make your escape post-haste. The many, many words contained herein will only make you want to cry for a long time then die, for they comprise the woefull tale of Frodo and the Wretched Wring.
There are so many better things to read about that trying to count them would take longer than you have to live and MUCH longer than my beloved Beatrice had…
Here you will only find vile descriptions of a vast cave, black riders, untrusting elf-lords, and a creature named Gollum.
I have no choice but to document these things but you are under no such constraint and should therefore turn on your heels and move rapidly away.
Sincerely,
Lemony Snicket
LOTR meets Disney’s Pinnochio (brought on by the similarity between Lemony Snicket and Jimminy Cricket, so blame juliomega grin)…
Bilbo: I’m getting old…soon it will be my eleventy-first birthday, and I’m alone in the world. Gandalf, the Dwarves, all gone away…I shall carve a puppet to keep me company… I used to be a fairly good woodcarver, as I recall…
(he carves a life-sized wooden Hobbit marionette)
Bilbo: I shall call him ‘Frodo’, and pretend that he is my son…no… my nephew…
(he has forgotten that The Ring is in his pocket, and as he says this, the puppet, tho still wooden, comes to life)
Frodo: Oh! goodness!
Bilbo: OH! GOODNESS!
(okay, that’s as far as I could get for now…perhaps more later)