OK,ER’s out…what about The Sopranos?
More if “Lord of the Rings” had been drawn by “Dilbert” cartoonist Scott Adams
(Filbert is at a conference-room table with Merry, who drools, and Pippin, whose clothes are on backward.)
FILBERT: Welcome to the Committee of Rivendell. We are meeting to select the steering committee.
The steering committee will select the people who will be on the membership committee that will decide who will be on the blue-panel committee to decide what to do with the ring.
Does anyone want to be the chair?
PIPPIN: Not me. I hate it when people sit on me.
(The Committee of Rivendell. Filbert is giving a PowerPoint presentation. He holds a pointer up to a picture of Mt. Doom.)
FILBERT: Systems says I have to take the ring to Mt. Doom and throw it in.
To do that, I’d have to cross countless miles of unknown territory – mountains, mires, forests, deserts. I’ll be attacked every step of the way by Orcs, goblins, Nazgul, giant spiders and other beasts.
Does anyone have any suggestions?
POINTY-HATTED BOSS: Mt. Doom should be depicted in red.
(The Committee of Rivendell)
POINTY-HATTED BOSS: There it is. We’ve decided Filbert will take the Run Ring to Mt. Foom and crack it open.
And before you go, please make an exact backup copy and leave it with systems.
(Pointy-hatted Boss is walking away from several men in white coats who are restraining Filbert.)
POINTY-HATTED BOSS: Hmmph. Some people just can’t see the big picture.
FILBERT: I’ve found a much easier way to get rid of the ring.
I’ll put it in a place from which nothing has ever emerged.
POINTY-HATTED BOSS: And where is that?
FILBERT: Gimli’s “In” basket.
POINTY-HATTED BOSS: Why do you think we can safely dispose of the ring in Gimli’s “In” basket?
FILBERT: Projects that go in there are never seen again.
POINTY-HATTED BOSS: (Examines Gimli’s “In” basket.) What is that ring around his “In” basket?
FILBERT: It’s called an event horizon.
Here is another one from a not so well known author, but this time one of the USA:
Prophet’s Ring by Dean Wesley Smith
Something moved near the gates of Isengard. A vaguely Uruk-hai-shaped creature clambered down the rocks on the ground. It was about two-thirds as tall and much thinner than Ugluk. It had a round head on a spindly neck, not the sleek, powerful body of a warrior. Maybe the people of this race were thinker rather than fighters.
Two more strangers appeared from behind the rocks, one tall and handsome, the other one little and strong with a beard, and all three looked at Ugluk. As chief of security for Saruman, he had learned that quick, decisive action was the best way to get the upper hand in a confrontation. Don’t give them time for subterfuge; just march straight in and find out what they’re doing.Ugluk saw some sort of weapon in the creatures fragile hands. Short-bows and an axe, no doubt. Long-bows powerful enough to do any damage would rip hands that size off their arms.Ugluk took his own weapon, a large two-hand-sword. It was as long as his forearm and very sharp. He could rip an Uruk-hai apart, but Ugluk didn’t imagine he would even have to use it, not unless the strangers were suicidal. The size alone should let them know who was boss here.
He held his sword in front, not threatening but making sure it was clearly visible. “Who are you?“ he asked, using the high form of the Black Language just in case they had been sent by someone from Barad-Dur. The creatures babbled among themselves in high-pitched voices. Two of them backed away. A third, which had been about to climb down out of a rupture in the hull, withdrew back into the rocks.
Ugluk switched to Westron, the interspecies trade language that passed for a common tongue in this part of middle earth, and spoke to the one who held its ground. “Who are you?”-“H-human,” the creature said. “Who are you?” Ignoring its question, Ugluk said, “Is Hhuman your species name or your personal nam?”-“S-species”, the creature said. “My personal name is Aragorn. The other two are an elve and a dwarf called Legolas and Gimli.”-“I have heard of you.” Ugluk took a step closer. “You look like a pampered races. Evolved in comfort. Top of the food chain. You will not last long here.”
The Hhuman said, “If you’ve got a messenger, we won’t be here long, anyway. We were only supposed to chek out if there are any of those hobbits here we are looking for and go on. If we can contact our base in Gondor, they’ll come and pick us up.”-“I’m sure they would”, Ugluk said. “But that is precisely what I don’t want. Isengard is ours, and we intend to keep it that way.”
The stranger held its arms out to its side and its two companions took another step backward. “Hey, we don’t want any trouble. We’ll just go on our way, and you can have the whole place to yourself if you want.” Ugluk raised his sword. “So you say. Unfortunately, nobody who learns what secret Isengard holds can resist its lure. You will remain here, and your people will nerver know what became of you.”
The creature was fast. Ugluk would grant it that. It swung its right arm forward and fired twice before Ugluk could attack it with his sword. He felt the impact of the two arrows against his armor – the foolish creature did use a short-bow – then his own weapon spoke.
BRAVISSIMO! 
Well, when I read it now I see some bad mistakes. The sword isn’t so long as Ugluks forearm, it’s so long as his arm. and there are other not so important mistakes, which I forgot to change from the original book. Well, you probably see it yourself.
Hi - Someone about 5 posts back said Middle Earth had no hospitals - I disagree - that’s exactly what I think of the Houses of Healing in Minas Tirith as. So setting the TV show ER in the Houses of Healing could be quite interesting (esp, if as in a rumor I’ve seen the deus ex machina er eagles fly Frodo & Sam directly there in the movie). I would try to write but am at work…and am not clever. Still enjoying this thread.
KEN BURNS’ WAR OF THE RING
(We fly down the river Anduin, which shimmers in the sunset. A hauntingly mournful version of “The Road Goes Ever On and On” plays in the background.)
NARRATOR (David McCulloch): In 3018, Shadowfax won Edoras Derby for the third consecutive year. Pipe-weed was exported from the Shire for the first time. Bilbo Baggins finished “There and Back Again.” In 3018, the last Balrog in the wild was killed by poacher. And in 3018, war would envelop Middle Earth–a war that would set West against East, brother against brother, elf against orc.
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KEN BURNS’ MANICURIST: To my mind, Gandalf was the most revolutionary figure in Third Age history. Sometimes I imagine Gandalf, Abraham Lincoln, Jackie Robinson, and Albert Einstein playing golf together. And you know what? Gandalf always lands a hole in one.
WYNTON MARSALIS: Now, Gandalf, he’s like this: deep-dweep be-deep deep dap. But Sauruman, he’s like, bwomp-womp wa womp waa womp. You know what I’m saying?
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SAM GAMGEE (Garrison Keillor): Dear Rosie: We’re off to see the oliphaunt at last, as they say. I don’t know if we’ll see action any time soon. All we’ve done so far is walk, walk, and walk some more. We’ve met some curious folk along the way, including a man with a bright blue jacket, and his boots were yellow. Foreigners are very queer indeed. Yours truly, Sam Gamgee
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NARRATOR: Next time on Ken Burns’ War of the Ring: prejudice strikes on the home front.
BILL THE PONY (Tom Hanks): Dear Daisy: I am coming home. We made it to Moria in good time, but the Fellowship will let me proceed no further. They said that Moria is no place for a pony and sent me away. It is a sore disappointment, especially after that trying incident at the gate. Dear wife, I only hope a day will come when this land is no longer tainted by pony-hatred–a day when ponies can walk freely in the halls of dwarves with their heads and tails held high.
NARRATOR: Next time, on Ken Burns’ War of the Ring.
I think I’d try “If The Houses of Healing had been writtern by the writers of MASH”, since I know those characters, but I’m at work…someone else please give it a go.
Hey, does anybody of you know the german Fantasy & Horror writer Wolfgang Hohlbein? I can try to do something of his work, but when any other can do it, just go on. I don’t have any books of him at home in the moment, but I will soon go to the library and look for some of his books. Well, it’s just an idea.
Sorry,never heard of him.
Fingolfin, you have created the most amazing monster I have ever seen in my life. Do you feel like Mickey Mouse in “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice?” (Because I sure would if I were you.)
How about Herman Melville? I don’t know if anyone’s done this… so I’m sorry if anyone has, I’m only on page 2…
Call me Frodo. Some years ago- never mind how long precisely- pretending to have little or no money in my purse, and a great task to interest me outside of the Shire, I thought I would journey about a little and see the dark and dreary part of the world.
-The Ring Written by: Frodo Baggins
Kind of surprised no one has tried a Louis L’amour (or however he spells it) Western. (Or would that be Westron).
L’Amour–the A is capitalized(fitting for a man as big in the Western genre as he is).But you’re right,it is weird that nobody’s tried to do it in that style.
I don’t know Louis L’Amour well enough to do him justice…but how about the Lone Ranger?
(Our scene opens on the plains of Rohan. The William Tell Overture comes to an end, and we see two horses with riders approaching. They draw near, and we see that one is wearing a pointy hat…)
Gandalf: So, Tonto, what do you think?
Legolas: (mutters) Stop calling me ‘Tonto’, Gandalf. (peers into the distance). I can see them. They’re coming this way.
Gandalf: (nod) All right, we’d best report that to the Sherriff.
Legolas: Yes, ‘Kemosabe’ (rolls his eyes).
(They turn their horses and ride toward a small town. Cut to Sherriff’s office, where Sheriff Aragorn has his feet up on his desk)
Aragorn: I spose I’d best make my rounds.
(the door opens and Gandalf and Legolas enter)
Gandalf: Sheriff, the Nazgul gang are coming this way.
Aragorn (alarmed look): The Nazgul gang? I heard they tore up Gondor pretty bad…
Legolas: They ride fast.
Gandalf: You might want to warn the townfolk, Sheriff…Whatever the Nazgul gang wants, it won’t be pretty when they get here.
Aragorn (resolved nod): I’ll take care of it.
(Gandalf and Legolas leave. Deputy Boromir comes out of the cellblock in the back just as they exit).
Boromir: Hey…who was that pointy-hatted man?
Aragorn: You know…I don’t know…
(fade to a shot of the plains, Gandalf and Legolas riding…Gandalf stops on a bluff, looking into the distance; Legolas continues on)
Announcer: Will the Nazgul gang sweep through the town, or has the warning saved the day? Find out next week when The Lone Wizard returns…
(Gandalf’s horse rears up)
Gandalf: Hi-ho Shadowfax…away!
(fade out)
And now, the very very short version of “LOTR meets The Waltons”:
(scene shot of a nice farmhouse, at night…sound of crickets chirping softly, then…)
“G’night, Pippin!”
“G’night, Gandalf!”
“G’night, Arwen!”
“G’night, Elrond!”
“G’night, Frodo!”
“G’night, Legolas!”
“G’night, Gimli!”
“G’night, Uncle Bilbo!”
I’ve got some friends working on this one; should inspiration strike I’m at ksmithinboston@hotmail.com. Something starting like this?
Two towers, both alike in dignity, in fair Mid’Earth where we lay our scene, is now the few hours’ passage of the page.
Seems like this is too easy to do badly, so unless it’s good the rest probably won’t show up anytime soon.
A hobbiter dining at Brie
Found quite a large orc in his tea.
Said Butterbur: Hush!
Just pretend it’s all mush!
Or the rest will each want to have three!
Oh my God…I go away for MONTHS and this thread is still alive?
My congratulations to the OP…my threads usually die after about 10 minutes
Oh, and just a passing thought, has anyone done LOTR in the style of Christopher Tolkien?
This idea makes my head hurt bad. It’s challenge enough ploughing thru CJRT’s commentary on JRRT. It’s a bad enough idea that I’m tempted to try it. But I think I’ll try sticking forks in my ears first, thank you.