Ringbearing: The Olympic Sport
Kent the Announcer: It’s a bright sunny day here in Middle Earth. The perfect kind of weather for this kind of a no-holds-barred, anything-goes competition.
Susan the Announcer: That’s right, Kent. I remember when I was an Olympic Ringbearer, I slipped and fell on some ice and dropped the ring.
Kent: That was thirty years ago, Susan. Can’t you get over it?
Susan: No.
Kent: Well, then, let’s take a look at the competitors. Representing the Shire are Bilbo Baggins, his nephew Frodo Baggins, and Samwise Gamgee.
Susan: You know, Bilbo is the oldest Olympian ever to compete for the Shire. Do you think his age will be a disadvantage?
Kent: I don’t know, Susan. Sometimes in this competition, experience can be the key to success. Frodo, however, seems to be the heavy favorite going into this competition.
Susan: Let’s take a look at the other competitors. Representing Mordor is the Dark Lord Sauron.
Kent: His participation in this event has been fairly controversial, and the Elves have dropped out of this competition in protest.
Susan: If I am remembering correctly, this isn’t the first time the Elves have protested the participation of certain competitors.
Kent: That’s right, Susan. When Isildur took home the gold, the Elves certainly weren’t pleased.
Susan: Finally, we have Gollum, representing a Dank Nasty Cave Underneath the Misty Mountains.
Kent: Talk about a long shot.
Susan: It looks like the competition is just about to get under way. Through random selection, Gollum will be the first to compete.
Kent: And there he goes. It looks like he is attempting the Lurking Underground strategy. Not very creative, but the judges have to be impressed by the amount of time he’s holding on to the ring.
Susan: Five hundred years is quite a large chunk of time.
Kent: Wait a minute, it looks like . . . yes, Gollum has dropped the ring. Bilbo is seizing the opportunity, and . . . Bilbo Baggins from the Shire takes the ring.
Susan: Bilbo appears to be using a similar strategy of keeping a low profile. Meanwhile the Dark Lord Sauron seems to be completely oblivious to the whole thing.
Kent: Has he even noticed the competition has begun?
Susan: Maybe it’s a part of his strategy. There we see Bilbo and he’s-- is he doing what I think he’s doing?
Kent: It appears as though Bilbo is actually giving the ring to his nephew Frodo Baggins. I’ve never seen anything like this before.
Susan: It certainly was a creative and original move. Let’s hope the judges reward it.
Kent: It looks like the Dark Lord Sauron is finally taking an interest in the proceedings. He’s looking for a chance to take the ring from Frodo.
Susan: Frodo’s strategy seems to be to take the ring to Rivendell. A more risky choice, but more rewarding if he succeeds.
Kent: And Samwise is accompanying him, obviously looking for an opening to take the ring.
Susan: Frodo and Sam have just arrived safely at Rivendell, despite the Dark Lord Sauron’s attempts to take the ring. Bilbo is waiting in Rivendell and it looks like . . . yes, Bilbo Baggins is attempting to take the ring back from Frodo.
Kent: The grab is unsuccessful, and Frodo and Sam leave Rivendell. They appear to be heading towards–am I seeing what I think I’m seeing?
Susan: That’s right, Kent. Frodo and Sam are heading straight towards Mordor, where the Dark Lord Sauron is waiting. And it looks like, unbeknownst to Frodo and Sam, Gollum is following them, looking for his chance to take the ring back.
Kent: The judges will certainly reward Frodo for his bravery, even if he loses the ring.
Susan: The Dark Lord Sauron is searching in Gondor, where he erroneously believes the ringbearer is hiding. Meanwhile, Frodo, Sam, and Gollum have made it into Mordor. Gollum appears to be helping Frodo, but–wait, it looks like Gollum just led Frodo and Sam into a trap.
Kent: Ooh, Frodo is down, and he’s not getting up.
Susan: Samwise is taking the ring and continuing on into Mordor. He is obviously attempting to use Frodo’s strategy of taking the big risks and hoping for the big rewards.
Kent: Wait a minute, Susan, something is happening. Sam is going back to get Frodo. I don’t believe it! He gave the ring back to Frodo!
Susan: It looks like Sam picked up a few tricks from his friends to score more points. Let’s hope it works.
Kent: Frodo and Sam are now at Mount Doom, and it looks like Frodo can’t go on. It looks like Sam will be bearing the ring up the slopes of Mount Doom–
Susan: Not so fast, Kent. Sam is picking up Frodo, who is still carrying the ring, and taking him up the mountain.
Kent: Is it legal to carry the ringbearer?
Susan: The judges are allowing it. Meanwhile the Dark Lord Sauron is still searching in all of the wrong places.
Kent: You’ve got to feel sorry for this guy. The competition is almost over, and he hasn’t even gotten a glimpse of the ring.
Susan: Frodo and Sam are now at the Cracks of Doom. All Frodo has to do is cast the ring into the fires from whence it came and he has a fairly good chance of winning this competition.
Kent: Something’s gone wrong. Instead of casting the ring into the fires, Frodo is going to keep the ring.
Susan: The judges certainly won’t like that.
Kent: No, they won’t. This competition is still up in the air.
Susan: Did you see that?
Kent: I saw it, but I don’t believe it.
Susan: In a completely unexpected move, Gollum, who had been secretly following Sam and Frodo all the way up Mount Doom, has bitten off the finger with the ring on it, and then he fell into the Cracks of Doom.
Kent: It’s hard to tell whether or not the judges will reward something like that.
Susan: Now we just have to wait for the scores.
Kent: It looks like the judge from Mordor has given very low scores to everyone except the Dark Lord Sauron, whom he gave a perfect ten.
Susan: Hardly appropriate, considering that Sauron didn’t do any ringbearing in this competition.
Kent: There may be an inquiry into those scores, but they don’t affect the final outcome of this competition.
Susan: Yes, the judges have locked in their scores and are now presenting the medals. Receiving the Silmaril medal: Bilbo Baggins from the Shire.
Kent: Receiving the Mithril medal: Samwise Gamgee of the Shire.
Susan: It looks like his creative choices really paid off.
Kent: And in third place, receiving the Ithildin medal: Frodo Baggins.
Susan: He was the favorite going into this competition, but I guess he just didn’t have what it took.
Kent: Well, it’s been a great day in Middle Earth, and we hope you enjoy the rest of the Middle Earth Olympics.
Susan: You know, when I was a Ringbearer–
Kent: Oh, just drop it, Susan.
Later in the broadcast:
Kent: Breaking news concerning today’s Ringbearing competition. Bilbo Baggins, Frodo Baggins, and Samwise Gamgee have tested positive for illegal drugs. They will be stripped of their medals.
Susan: It looks like the Silmaril medal will go to Gollum, awarded posthumously.
Someday I’ll have time to write more…