If LotR Had Been Written By Someone Else!?

[StGermain]

My apologies to Henry Wadswroth Longellow, and to “Song of Hiawatha”

“Song of Ringbears”

In a gentle land pastoral
From a hobbit hole so cozy
Comes a hobbit name of Frodo
Brave and true and stalwart Frodo.

With companions, elf and wizard
Dwarf and man and hobbit, too
Bearing precious ring so golden
To the evil land of Mordor.

Frodo, heir of elf-friend Bilbo
Samwise, faithful friend and servent
Merry and his cousin Pippin
Furry-footed hobbit friends

Gandalf, , wizard, wise and ancient
Aragorn, a future ruler
Legolas and Gimli, fighters
Boromir, man doomed to fall.

Fierce orcs bred to hunt our heros
Ringwraiths, Nazgul, fallen kings
Fiery Balrog from deepest mine.
Saruman’s children – Uruk-Hai

Sauron, bane of many ages
Disembodied, seeing eye.
Brought to death by brave Isuldur
Brought to life by Isuldur’s Bane.

Saruman, a great white wizard
Turned to foe by greed and power
Killing trees to make his weapons
Brought low by those very trees.
It can go on and on.

StG

[Nithy]

I’m surprised nobody’s done a Burma Shave for this yet–it’s a great joke from TTT.

It’s hard to tell

Without one’s glasses

The Difference between

Dwarf lads and lasses.

Burma Shave

(Keep thinking; you’ll get it eventually;))

[CKO1967]

*Originally posted by jeanster *
Pretty good.

Thanks,jeanster.

[jlossanto]

The Ringbearer

2 oz. Calvados (apple brandy)
1 oz. Yukon Jack
splash Barenjager
lemon peel
ice

Rub the rim of a standard martini glass with lemon peel. Chill Calvados and Yukon Jack in cocktail shaker with ice. Strain into glass. Pour Barenjager into center of glass. Garnish with lemon peel.

– from The Bartender’s Bible
(as found at the Prancing Pony)

[jeanster]

Okay, this is only my second day browsing through this awesome thread, so I haven’t yet read all of it. But for those of you who would like to read LOTR if Ian Fleming wrote it or PG Wodehouse and lots of other different authors, go here:

http://www.flin.demon.co.uk/althist/auth.htm

My apologies if this URL has already been posted in this very long and very entertaining thread.

[Pucky_Schumer]

Thanks, everyone, for the nice comments. I am really enjoying all the good posts here.

Hey there, wizard!

Looking grey?

A blade would clean

That grey away.

Bomba Shave

[Servantwench]

How about Sir Walter Scott?

Be Hobbit here with soul so dead,
Whom never to himself hath said,
“This is my own, my hearth and Shire.”
Who swears to Never touch the ring,
And will not think to take the ring,
And toss it in the Mount of Fire?
If such there breathes, go, slap him down,
And show to him thy deepest frown.
Though small his stature, haired his toes,
To him no second breakfast goes!
Despite his titles, wealth, and mood,
The wretch, concentered all in food,
Living shall forfeit fair renown,
And missing the Oscars, shall go down,
To the vile dust from whence he’d grown,
Unwept, Unsequeled, and unknown.

[Pucky_Schumer]

Ask the Hobbit ringbearer

Hello to all members of the Straight Dope Message Board. I’d like to start a thread where I will answer any questions you might have for a Hobbit who took the ring to Mount Doom. So ask away.

Oh, yeah, my name is Frodo, and I’m a Hobbit.

Hey, Frodo. Welcome to the boards. My question: did you always know you wanted to be the ringbearer? Thanks.

No, not always. At first I only intended to take it to the Prancing Pony. Things just sort of took their course from there.

Hello, Frodo. Can I ask a question? Did you know what you were getting into when you took the ring? Would you do it again?

Ha ha. I had absolutely no idea what this would involve, believe me. But it had to be done, so yes, I would do it again.

Frodo, d00d, isn’t that Arwen hot?

To answer you’re question seriously, which is perhaps more than it deserves. Yes, Arwen is a beautiful person. But please don’t expect everyone to like they do in a Hollywood movie, with the perfect makeup and hair and all.

I wonder what Arwen thinks of me. What does she think I look like? Has she slept with a lot of elves? Is she dating anyone?

Ryan, I have no idea.

Can you teach us any Hobbit cuss words?

Well, there’s Orc-felcher, which I probably don’t have to explain. And be careful how you say “pussyfoot” or “pussyfooting.” Around people who have a lot of hair on their feet, this has an entirely different meaning.

What I want to know. When King Isildur decided to keep the ring, do you think the elves deliberately bumped him off. I mean, why should a conquering king go out riding like that with only a few retainers around?

This was long before my time, and I really don’t want to get involved in the conspiracy theories.

Can Gandalf teach me any magick tricks?

You’d have to ask him. I doubt it though.

I want more Hobbit cuss words.

A discussion of language is fine, but if it’s just gratuitous profanity, the moderators will probably lock this thread.

Freudo, do Hobits get danderuff on there feet?

No. Do you get dandruff in your armpits?

Hey, no need to flame. I wuz just asking a kwestion.

I’m sorry if that came across as a flame. The answer is, people usually don’t get dandruff on body hair, only on scalp hair.

So your feet is like pubic hair? Weird.

I’d accuse you of being a troll, but that would be insulting to the many fine trolls I’ve known.

You are a lamer. You really intended to keep the ring and it got destroyed only because Gollum took it away from you.

**You want me to start in with some real Hobbit cuss words?

Moderator:** I’m moving this discussion to the Pit.

[cat1788]

I know this has been done, but I haven’t finished reading all the posts because I’m new and don’t understand much about the old PC. So, with apologies to PG Wodehouse and Professor Tolkien:

It is not easy to state offhand what is the last thing a young hobbit starting out in life would wish to find on the premises of the furnished hobbit-hole ready for immediate occupancy which he had just begun to occupy after his Uncle Bilbo had bequested it to him.

Bugs? Perhaps. Cockroaches? Possibly. Maybe defective drains. One cannot say. But a perfectly sized gold Ring of Power for the domination of all the races of Middle-Earth would unquestionably come quite high on the list of undesirable objects, and Frodo, as he gazed on the Ring of the Dark Lord Sauron, was conscious of that disagreeable sensation which comes to those who, pausing for a moment to tie a shoelace while crossing a railway line, find themselves struck in the small of the back by the Cornish Express.

I have always liked that passage in it’s original form. Congratulations to all participants in this wonderful thread! I’m up to page 10 now, so it won’t be long before I have caught up with everything.

Toodles,

[jeanster]

Aragorn’s reasoning for getting Eowyn to avoid
fighting alongside the men at Helm’s Deep:

“There’s a shortage of perfect breasts in this world -
it would be a pity to damage yours…”
a la The Princess Bride

(from Brian Hailey at another forum)

[Fishgoat]

*Originally posted by Epigramcracker *
**Right. I have a feeling this is going to attract a VERY limited audience. But we’ll see if there are any fans out there.

---

BAGGADDER*

Starring Rowan Atkinson as Frodmund Baggadder (FB) and Tony Robinson as Gamdrick (G).
**

“Bag-AAAAA-der! Bag-AAAAA-der!
With many a cunning plan
BAg-AAAAAA-der! Bag-AAAAA-der!
You horrid little man!”

snicker
Bravo ! Bravo!
Fishgoat

[CKO1967]

Since we’re getting into Rowan Atkinson characters,how about LOTR a la Mr.Bean?

[RTFirefly]

Since apparently no one’s linked to it yet, there’s Dave Barry’s version of “The Two Towers”:

FRODO: Darn! I still have this darned ring that I got in the first movie!
SAMWISE: The ring with the terrible power that causes everyone who comes near it to over-act?
FRODO: Yes! And to destroy it, we must walk, slowly, in real time, all the way across New Zealand!
SAMWISE: But who will guide us?
FRODO: How about a reptilian computer-generated creature with a bad comb-over?
SAMWISE: Dick Cheney’s in this movie?
GOLLUM: Very funny, Hobbitt-breath.

[jeanster]

*Originally posted by CKO1967 *
**Since we’re getting into Rowan Atkinson characters,how about LOTR a la Mr.Bean? **

An interesting idea. I’ll give it some thought. Anyone else up to the challenge? There was one episode where his girlfriend Irma wanted him to give her a diamond ring for Christmas. Maybe that can be worked in somehow.

[dwmacg]

*Originally posted by RTFirefly *
**Since apparently no one’s linked to it yet, there’s Dave Barry’s version of “The Two Towers”: **

Doesn’t he know that’s already been done?

[Kopah]

Zowie! I love it all, especially the Gilbert & Sullivan. Yes, I have plowed through all 33 pages, and I know this one has not been done. So here goes.

NINE EVIL WRAITH NAZGÛL ARE WE
Libretto by W.S. Gilbert
Music by Sir Arthur Sullivan
Sung by The Witch-King, Khamûl, and Adunaphel; chorus of all Nine

THE NINE

Nine evil wraith Nazgûl are we,
Black as a Nazgûl well can be,
Filled to the brim with enmity,
Nine evil wraith Nazgûl!

WITCH-KING

Killing things is a source of fun!

KHAMÛL

Nobody’s safe, for we care for none!

ADUNAPHEL

We obey the Lord Sauron!

THE NINE

Nine evil wraith Nazgûl!

Nine evil wraiths who, all unwary,
Took Sauron’s rings with questions nary,
Now we are his constabulary -
Nine evil wraith Nazgûl!
Nine evil wraith Nazgûl!

WITCH-KING

One evil wraith is of Angmar king!

KHAMÛL

Eight other wraiths are his underlings!

ADUNAPHEL

Nine evil wraiths is the sum we bring.

THE NINE

Nine evil wraith Nazgûl!
Nine evil wraith Nazgûl!

WITCH-KING

From nine evil wraiths take one away.

KHAMÛL

Eight evil wraiths remain, and they -

ADUNAPHEL

Won’t have to wait very long, they say -

THE NINE

Nine evil wraith Nazgûl!
Nine evil wraith Nazgûl!

Nine evil wraiths who, all unwary,
Took Sauron’s rings with questions nary,
Now we are his constabulary -
Nine evil wraith Nazgûl!
Nine evil wraith Nazgûl!

[Kopah]

Just with regard to the “Catcher in the Rye” versions. Here’s my suggestion for how it should go:

IF YOU REALLY want to hear about it, the first thing you’ll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that Silmarillion kind of crap…

More suited to the context, dontcha think?

[KathleenTheCritic]

*Originally posted by Nithy *
I’m surprised nobody’s done a Burma Shave for this yet–it’s a great joke from TTT.

It’s hard to tell

Without one’s glasses

The Difference between

Dwarf lads and lasses.

Burma Shave

(Keep thinking; you’ll get it eventually;))

**Hi Nithy!

Actually I did this back on page 28 (I think–depends on your user settings). I think I’ve done 7 Burma-Shaves so far…I should go see TTT again for inspiration to write more. Here’s a reprise:

On Gimli’s cheek
No razor glides
Can’t tell the Dwarf men
From their brides.
Burma Shave

Respectfully submitted,

KathleenTheCritic**

[InTransit]

*Originally posted by Kopah *
**Just with regard to the “Catcher in the Rye” versions. Here’s my suggestion for how it should go:

IF YOU REALLY want to hear about it, the first thing you’ll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that Silmarillion kind of crap…

More suited to the context, dontcha think? **

Couldn’t agree with you more, Kopah, as I was having touble with the David Copperfield reference. Problem is, (1) I couldn’t think of someone suitable in Middle-earth that had a history people knew, and (2) The Silmarillion isn’t a person. I suppose it could have been “Finwe kind of crap” or “Fingolfin kind of crap” or whatelf have ya, but eh… it was a fun passage to rip from.

[Kopah]

*Originally posted by InTransit *
**Couldn’t agree with you more, Kopah, as I was having touble with the David Copperfield reference. Problem is, (1) I couldn’t think of someone suitable in Middle-earth that had a history people knew, and (2) The Silmarillion isn’t a person. I suppose it could have been “Finwe kind of crap” or “Fingolfin kind of crap” or whatelf have ya, but eh… it was a fun passage to rip from. **

Mhmm… I was interpreting it as a reference to the book David Copperfield, as in, Holden was comparing himself to the author of David Copperfield, giving characters’ historical background etc. Having said that, I have not read the book, so I don’t really know for sure what sort of crap Holden was referring to. Oh well. shrugs