If LotR Had Been Written By Someone Else!?

Cafe Society
,
1642

We’ve seen a few by Karl Marx, but what about Marx’s polar opposite? The father of modern Capitalism, Adam Smith!

**CHAPTER I

Of the Division of Labour**

…The effect of the division of labour, in the general business of the Fellowship, will be more easily understood by considering in what manner it operates in more specific instances. This is to say, within the context of the Fellowship, there exist several different classes, each of which performs a task to satisfy but a small number of people; but, taken together, it can be seen with certainty that their combined efforts produce a product which would have been unachievable, or impracticable, were only one person to have contributed to its execution.

To take, therefore, an example from a seemingly trifling business; but a business in which the division of labour has been very often taken notice of, the trade of the ring-bearer. A workman not educated to this business, nor acquainted with the customs, or traditions, employed in it, could scarce acquire a ring of power, let alone bear it to its destruction. However, in the way in which this business is now carried on, each member of the Fellowship exerts his own peculiar efforts toward the ring-bearing; so that one procures the ring, another transfers it to the bearer, another bears it, another defends the bearer, and so on; so that the business of bearing a ring is actually divided into about nine distinct operations. Though only one workman bears the ring itself, it would not practicable for him to bear it, nor to have begun to bear it, without the support, or assistance, of the other workmen of the Fellowship…

Hope that didn’t numb everyone’s brain too much…

1643

(blushing more red than the Eye of Sauron) I thought the idea was too good to have been mine.

-Nithy

1644

With apologies to the Crash Test Dummies

“Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm"

Once there was this wizard who
Got into an accident and couldn’t come to Lorien
But when he finally came back
His robes had turned from grey into bright white
He said that it was from when
The Balrog had smashed so hard

Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm

Once there was this Man who
Wouldn’t go and be king over Gondor, though it was his right
But when they finally made him
They saw he had the sword of Isildur
He couldn’t quite explain it
It’d always just been there

Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm

But both Man and wizard were glad
'Cause one kid had it worse than that

'Cause then there was this hobbit whose
Friends made him leave home and travel all ‘round Mid-Earth
And when they went to Mt Doom
They stole his ring and tossed it deep in the pit
He couldn’t quite explain it
He’d just wanted to stay home

Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm

1645

Veggie Tales:

[Scene opens with Larry and Bob on the table next to the computer.]

Bob: Amy Linser, from Omaha Nebraska, asks us, “Dear Bob and Larry: My Mom told me that we should always stand for good and fight against evil. Why is that?”
Larry: Well, Amy, that’s a very good question.
Bob: Yes it is. I think that the best way to answer it would be to tell her the story about Frodo Baggins and the One Ring of Power.
Larry: And Sam.
Bob: What?
Larry: Samwise Gangee was also part of the story. Shouldn’t it be the story of Frodo, Sam, and the One Ring of Power.
Bob: Ok, fine. We’ll call it the story of Frodo, Sam, and the One Ring of Power.
Larry: And Legolas.
Bob: What?
Larry: Legolas was part of the story too. Shouldn’t it be the story of Frodo, Sam, Legolas, and the One Ring of Power?
Bob: Ok, ok, why don’t we just call it the story of the Fellowship of the Ring.

[Scene fades to black. Next scene shows Frodo, played by Larry, and Sam, played by Bob, outside a hobbit hole.]

Narrator: Once there was a young hobbit named Frodo, who had just gotten a ring from his uncle.
Larry: I have this ring that I got from my uncle, and I don’t know what to do with it.
[Music starts.]
Should I put it down on the table
Next to the pot of liver?
Should I take it down to Rivendell
And drop it in the river?
Should I bring it to a tall tower
And put it on the Spire,
Or carry it to old Mount Doom
And throw it in the fire?
[Music ends.]
Bob: Gee, I don’t know. Maybe we should find Gandalf and ask him.

[Scene fades]

Narrator: The Dark Lord Sauron wanted to get his ring back, so he sent out some black riders known as the Nazgul.

[Scene shows the Nazgul, played by the three villainous celery stalks, riding through a forest. Music starts.]

Nazgul: We are the Nazgul,
That is our name,
And what we are doing
Is surely not a game.
To get the ring
We must ride faster
And once we have it
We will give it to our master.
[Musics stops]

… several hundred musical numbers later:

Bob: Now let’s have another look at what we learned today. Frodo and Sam learned that as long as you stick to good and avoid evil, you can accomplish anything. Merry and Pippin found out that those who resist evil will always get help when they need it. Now let’s see if Qwerty has a verse for us. [Reading from the computer screen.] Isaiah 1:16 says, “Cease to do evil.” Well, that’s it for today. And remember, evil is bad.
Larry: Also, remember that if you ever meet a Balrog, run away.

1646

Gandalf Cohen, in Darren Aronofsky’s Lord of the Rings

12:15. Restate my assumptions:

  1. – Rings are the language of Mordor.
  2. – Everything evil in Mordor can be symbolized and comprehended through Rings.
  3. – If you graph the movements of the One Ring, a pattern emerges – it is being taken to Mordor.
    Therefore: there is a Ring - it comes from Mordor.
    (Saruman: It’s survival of the fittest, and we’ve got the f***ing orcs! Sauron doesn’t give a shit about you!)
    A Middle-Earth with a One Ring that Sauron will use to rule the Fourth Age.
    He’ll put millions of hands at work. Billions of minds – a vast land screaming in agony. A Dark Lord – a natural Dark Lord.
    Evidence:
  • The proliferation of Uruk-Hai.
  • The wane and wane of Ent populations.
  • Cycles of the Lidless Eye.
  • The rise and flooding of the Bruinen Ford.
    So what about the Fellowship?
    My hypothesis: Within the Fellowship there is uneasiness also. Right in front of me, hiding behind the Ring.
    12:20. Press Enter.

The film ends with Gandalf, clearly suffering yet another grievous migraine: he picks up a stiletto, a desperate smile in his eyes.

1647

I found something very close to LOTR a la Mr. Bean.

Go here:

http://laine.anime.net/Parody/Lotr/lotr.html

and scroll down to:

The Diary of Saruman the White : No Girls Allowed !

It’s a takeoff on Mr. Bean’s Diary. Pretty amusing.

1648

here is a link to a thread on the IMDB boards “Lord of the Rings with Alternate Directors” - some of the posts are pretty clever

1649

here is a link to a thread on the IMDB boards “Lord of the Rings with Alternate Directors” - some of the posts are pretty clever:
http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0167261/board/thread/674165

1650

Uh, sorry, but where’s that link?

I don’t see it on my screen. Sounds like something we’d love to view.

1651

Ah, thanks! Second time’s the charm.

I’ll go visit that page now.

1652

Hello All,

GREAT job! I’ve been laughing myself silly for DAYS! Speaking of silly, here’s one more:

By Ray Kroc

Two Mail-clad Hobbits
Special Swords
Legolas
Shire
Pippin
Orc-foes
On a dangerous ring quest

1653

LotR by the author of The Princess Bride

Saruman to the Orcs as they leave for Helms Deep: ‘Bye-bye, boys! Have fun stormin’ the castle!’

1654

Oh dear God rofl That actually took me a minute, I had to remember who Ray Kroc was…that’s great…that’s just great grin Thank you! :slight_smile:

1655

Oh, dear. I must do some research now to find out who Ray Kroc is so I can fully appreciate the humour in that. I dislike missing out on a good laugh.

1656

Jeanster:

Ray Kroc is the founder of McDonald’s. Try singing it. grin

1657

Ray Kroc was the founder of McDonalds. Sing the above ditty to the Big Mac jingle from a some years back.

1658

“Yesterday,
All my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they’re here to say
Oh, I believe in yesterday”
–Lennon/McCartney, “Yesterday”

In the current spectrum of political endevors, it seems that the greatest power is given to the greatest size. But great size does not equate great power, nor does it give the powerful men the right to infringe upon those of smaller stature: by this long, rambling sentence I’m writing while on crack, I mean of course Frodo Baggins.

Oh fuck Frodo. Who the hell does he think he is? He’s some small, punk-ass little creature with a fucking ring. What’s so special about him. Nothing! I should carry the ring! I would use it to only create tolerance and superiority to women, and to find myself a man. Not that I need a man.

You know what I said to that Elf the other day? I said, “Aragorn is a jack ass. Leave him. I’ve already fucked him five times while high and in rehab with him. He’s my fucking bitch. You don’t need his worthless ass. Go get yourself a job, honey. Stop having your only major conflicts come between your father and your lover. You know what father’s are? They’re punk-asses who’ll sit on your couch and get high on pain killers all day before running out on you and going to Florida. Sure, every once in a while, they’ll try to be cool, they’ll try to show up at your book signing or whatever you Elvish people have, but really, who needs a man? I don’t!”

That’s right! I’m thirty! I live on my own! I don’t need a man to support me! I can get my own prescription narcotics and don’t you forget it!

Of course, everyone should really worship and pity me–lots of pity. My life sucked. My mother hates me. My family hates me. My best friend, Ruth, tried to kill me for fucking her boyfriend. But I fuck lots of men. I’ve fucked midgets like Frodo. I’ve even fucked Saron–and let me tell you how hard it is to fuck a giant eye of fire–but I did it. I’ve fucked them all!

Of course, then I actually stayed in Middle Earth for a while, and do you know how boring it is there? I mean, God, all the hobbits do is work and drink. You’d think they’d be my kind of people, but their so stupid! I went to Harvard, for Christ’s sake! And they don’t even know who Bruce Springsteen is! The horror!

Let me tell you, though, this ring, right. I don’t see anything wrong with it. It’s a representation of the bondage women are forced into at the hands of mankind in an attempt to enslave them to all that is unholy in the world. I mean, could it be any more vaginal shaped? Of course it was created by a man, that’s why it needs to be destroyed.

Slowing down. Need more speed.

Speed was a good movie. Have you seen it?

1659

Here’s a new one: SNL Fellowship Jeopardy
(Jeopardy Music)
Gandalf Trebek: And we’re back with Fellowship Jeopardy. I would like to take this opportunity to apologize on behalf of our contestants to all Dwarf women and the blind. That having been said, let’s meet our contestants. Legolas Greenleaf, Elf Prince of Mirkwood speaks two languages fluently and still can’t dress gender-appropriately. Legolas, tell us what charity you’re playing for.
Legolas: I’m playing for Locks of Love, for all those poor children who don’t have long silky hair like mine.
Gandalf: You know, your hair is long enough to donate.
Legolas: How dare you suggest such a horrible prospect. I’m playing for these children, not selling my soul to them.
Gandalf: I’m so glad you have your priorities straight. Contestant number two is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. Aragorn, can you tell us something about yourself?
Aragorn: I’m going to be king someday. My sword was broken but I fixed it. I’ll need a sword when I’m king. Because I’m going to be king.
Gandalf: Fascinating. And our third contestant is Boromir.
Boromir: We meet again, Gandalf.
Gandalf: Boromir is in last place with -$3000.
Boromir: Damn you and your daily doubles, Gandalf. I was robbed.
Gandalf: And now, let’s look at the categories for Double Jeopardy. The categories are: “Potent Potables”, “Colors”, “Horsemen of Rohan”, “The Valar”, which is probably way out of your league, so you might want to try “Point to a Member of the Fellowship”, and I would like to remind our contestants that everyone on this stage, including myself, is a member of the Fellowship, “How Do You Spell Ent?”, and finally, “Elf Women Whose Names End in ‘aladriel’”. Boromir, since you are in last place, you may select first.
Boromir: I’ll Take Hor Semen for three hundred, Gandalf.
Gandalf: What? No, that’s Horsemen, not Hor Semen. Never mind, why don’t I pick a category. Let’s do Colors for three hundred. And the answer is, “What color does Saruman the White wear?” (buzz) Yes, Aragorn?
Aragorn: I’m going to be king.
Gandalf: That’s great. Do you have an answer?
Aragorn: No.
Gandalf. Does anybody else have an answer to the question “What color does Saruman the White wear?”
(time runs out)
Gandalf: The answer is “white.” Saruman the White wears white clothing.
Legolas: Not after Labor Day. Nobody wears white after Labor Day.
Gandalf: Legolas, pick a category.
Legolas: I’ll take Elf Women Whose Names End in ‘aladriel’ for one hundred.
Gandalf: The answer is: This Elf is from Lothlorien and owns the Mirror of Galadriel.
(silence from contestants)
She is an Elf woman . . . whose name ends in ‘aladriel’ . . . and she owns the Mirror of Galadriel . . . I believe she gave you a bow, Legolas . . . and that belt that you are wearing right now, Boromir . . . (buzz)
Yes, Boromir.
Boromir: Your mother.
Gandalf: No, Boromir, that is incorrect. (buzz) Yes, Legolas?
Legolas: Who is your mother?
Gandalf: No, my mother is not the correct answer. (buzz) Aragorn?
Aragorn: What is your mother?
Boromir: Your mother is a whor–
Gandalf: No! The correct answer is “Galadriel.” Galadriel, who owns the Mirror of Galadriel. (blank stares) Never mind. Legolas, pick a category.
Legolas: I’ll take Horsemen of Rohan for two hundred.
(ding)
Gandalf: And that sound means this is an Audio Daily Double. The category is Horsemen of Rohan. Name this Horseman of Rohan.
Deep Voice: Eomer. Eomer.
Gandalf: Name this Horseman of Rohan.
Legolas: (arches eyebrows, flares nostrils)
(time runs out)
Gandalf: The correct answer was Eomer. Are you Elvish or retarded? Let’s just go to Final Jeopardy. And the category is . . . You know what, I’m going to make up a different category. The Final Jeopardy category is “Hobbits.” All you have to do is name a hobbit. (Final Jeopardy music starts.) That’s all you have to do. Write the name of any hobbit you can think of. You could write Frodo, the hobbit who was carrying around the gold ring. You could put Sam; that’s easy to spell. It’s spelled S-A-M. You could also put Merry, or Pippin, or Fatty, or Bilbo, or any other hobbit you can think of. There’s no possible way you can get this wrong. (Final Jeopardy music ends.) And now let’s see how you all screwed this up. Legolas, we’ll start with you. You have written . . . nothing.
Legolas: Well, I would have written something, but I was afraid I’d break a nail if I picked up the pen.
Gandalf: I see. Let’s move on to Aragorn.
Aragorn: I’m going to be king.
Gandalf: I believe you’ve already mentioned that. Let’s see what you wrote. You wrote . . . Gimli. Gimli is a dwarf, and not a Hobbit. I’m sorry, that’s incorrect. Let’s see what you wagered. You wagered . . . Gondor with a dollar sign. Astonishing. And finally, because I’m required to do this, let’s see what Boromir wrote.
Boromir (snickers)
Gandalf: It looks like . . . you drew a picture of me having sex with a Balrog. And let me just see what you wagered . . . yes, it is a picture of me having sex with a Balrog.
Boromir: Come on, Gandalf, let the people see my work.
Gandalf: NO!
Boromir: Come on, you pansy.
Gandalf: That about does it for Fellowship Jeopardy. I’m Gandalf Trebek, and this has been a nightmare.
(Jeopardy music)

1660

Opening Scene
Hobbits are partying. We cannot hear what they are saying, as there is some Fifties-dance music playing over the entire scene. We’re watching from a distance when suddenly, someone may notice that a character has disappeared from the upper most right-hand side of the screen. No one notices.

All following scenes are to be acted with the same obliviousness for anything strange or unusual.

Cut To: Interior; Bilbo Baggin’s house.
Tight shot on hand with ring in palm.

Frodo: “What do you think you’re doing with that Bilbo?”
Bilbo: “I don’t know. I just found it. A ring.”
Frodo: “Was there a finger attached?”
Bilbo: “No, it was just a ring.”
Frodo: [deadpan] “Strange.”
Bilbo: “Strange”
Frodo: “I think I ought to take this to Gandolf. He’d know what to do with a ring without a finger.”

Gandolf’s Quarters

Gandolf: “Is that a ring without a finger?”
Frodo: “Yes.”
Gandolf: “It seems we have a mystery to solve here.”
Frodo: “Yes.”
Gandolf: “You know, I think it could belong to this mysterious person I saw the other day.”
Frodo: “Perhaps”
Gandolf: “You might want to check it out.”
Frodo: “Yes, I might.”
Gandolf: “I’ll meet you at the Prancing Pony. You’d better take Sam along.”
Frodo: “Alright”

…later in the movie, after many other seemingly completely unrelated events happen…

Exterior, Night. Frodo and Sam are asleep. Sam wakes hearing a noise and begins beating a dark figure crawling behind him.

Frodo (showing emotion): No Sam!
Sam: I have to, Mr. Frodo! He’s trying to kill you!
Frodo: No sam! No!
–small, miniature Merry & Pippin run in and out of Gollum’s beaten body cavity–
Frodo: No sam! No!

Gollum rises and bites off Frodo’s finger before falling into Mt. Doom. Frodo collapese as miniature Merry & Pippen dance about.

Frodo awakens to find himself Gollum in Gollum’s cave. The ring is on his finger, on a hand missing a finger.

Gollum/Frodo: “The Precious! But someone is trying to steal the precious!”

Ouside, Bilbo, who is now known as Sam, is entering the cave.

Cut to Aragorn and the Elves fighting in Helms Deep.

Cut back to Gollum/Frodo, the ring slipping off his fingers.

Cut to Arwen and Aragorn, Aragorn is King.

Cut to Elrond, whispering mysterious words in Elvish.

Cut to Isabella Rossilini doing a cameo as Galadriel, singing “Ring Around the Rosy”

Cut to the miniature Merry & Pippin dancing over a distracted Gollum/Frodo’s head.

Cut to Gollum and Frodo dancing together at the party scene from the opening scene.

The End.

(or is it?)

1661

There were just nine of them left now. There had been an even one hundred just five days ago. CRACK! An orc whip. Boromir had just received his first warning.

Frodo was exhausted. His feet were horribly swollen, but at least they had gone numb. His knee joints felt like two bricks grinding together, and his spine was a column of fire. He reached under the mithril surcoat and ran his hand across his chest; each rib stood out in sharp relief. Hungry. Frodo took a tube from his belt pouch and squeezed it into his mouth. The burp tasted like lembas. “Water skin,” he called. An orc dismounted from the wagon, ran over and handed him one. Frodo still didn’t like those crossbows they carried. CRACK! Boromir’s second warning.

The rules were simple on this quest. Easy as putting one foot in front of the other. All he had to do, all any of them had to do, was walk. Walk at pace of 4 miles an hour. The orcs in the wagon monitored their speed. Fall below 4 miles an hour, and you got a warning after 30 seconds. A second warning after a minute. Your final warning after a minute-thirty. After that, you were out. But, if you made it for an hour without falling below pace, you would lose a warning. Three hours and you were back in the clear.

CRACK! Boromir’s third warning. Frodo could see him now, struggling. Trying to get back up to pace. He was sweating furiously. The orcs in the wagon raised their crossbows to high port. Boromir was about to be out of the quest. Frodo passed him by.

“I’m next,” Frodo thought. For a while he thought he might just win this thing. After Gandalf had gone down, Frodo had heard he was the odds-on favorite to win. That was just two short days ago. But not now. Frodo knew he was almost done. “Smeagol,” he thought, “it’s gonna be Smeagol.” Smeagol hadn’t gotten a warning since early the first day. He was simply relentless.

Behind him, the crowd roared. Boromir had just gotten his ticket punched. He was out of the race. Frodo was glad he hadn’t seen it. At least he knew that this was going to be the final day. He wouldn’t have to make it through another night. Someone elbowed him. Samwise.

“Hey, Frodo. You really tweaked Sauron’s balls, dintchoo?” Sam grinned weakly.

“Yeah. The Great Eye is not amused.” Suddenly, before he could catch himself, Frodo tripped and fell. He lay in a daze. CRACK! The pain brought him back: his first warning! Frodo staggered back to his feet. Now he had to go a whole hour before he could relax again.

– The Long Quest
by: “Richard Bachman”