LOTR by Rush Limbaugh
The United Middle-earth Security Council of Elrond
Elrond: Welcome my esteemed guests to Rivendell…grave matters must be discussed on this foreboding day. Following the War of the Last Alliance between Men and Elves, a resolution was passed forbidding the re-armament of Mordor. Now I am sad to say, we must face this threat from the East once again. The Dark Lord Sauron has arisen in Barad-dur yet again and the Nine have ridden forth.
Gimli: Have they? How do you know?
Aragorn: They have been spotted coming north upon the Green Road and passing through the Shire and Bree as well. They then pursued us west here to the edge of Rivendell itself, where they were seperated from their dark horses. However, once they aquire new steeds, they will surly come forth once again.
Legolas: I have not seen them.
Aragorn: You have not been there Elf!!! But Rangers have seen them, Shire Folk have seen them, Bree Folk have seen them…I myself have seen them along with my Halfling companions!
Gimli: Do you have pictures?
Pippen: OF WHAT? They are invisible!
Frodo: I have seen them, and their visages are burnt into my memory and the bite of their foul blade burns in my flesh even now!
Legolas: But you could have imagined that! And as for your wound, I have heard of self-hypnotic tricks that can create a wound as real as one inflicted by another! The Elves have been capable of such feats for eons! I am afraid you’ll have to do better than that Ring Bearer!
Sam: I believe you Master. I saw the pain in your face as it was cradled loving in my lap while I fondled your luxurious locks and kept you safe. A kiss for ole Samwise perhaps?
(The council stares silently at Sam for a short while.)
Merry: I drew a sketch of their attire and steeds! SEE…
Boromir: BAH…you DREW THAT YOURSELF!
Merry: Uh…yeah…of course I did…???..it’s a SKETCH!
Gimli: Well, it could be just a sketch of Frodo sitting on Sam’s face under dark robes while they…bonded…manly like…upon a black horse!
Gandalf: Don’t be a fool Master Dwarf, why would he draw a picture of…eh…THAT…when he could have just as easily drawn one of the Black Rider itself?!?
Gimi: AH-HA! I’ll tell you why, cause there WAS NO BLACK RIDER TO BEGIN WITH!!! That just proves my point! Checkmate Old Fool!
Elrond: Enough of this! Let’s just assume that the Nine have come forth once again, if it is true what then shall we do?
Boromir: Well…if we assume they have emerged…now mind you I’m not conceding the point…how do we know that these Nazgul have bad intentions? It’s been ages since they have done any harm! Perhaps they are just wishing to bring tidings to kin up North!
Gandalf: They’re RING-WRAITHS DAMMIT…the non-physical embodiment of the Dark Lord’s Evil Intent and completely under his will!
Legolas: Yeah…so…what does that prove? Perhaps Sauron has learned his lesson. And now he has Sanctions to fear!
Frodo: Well, they attacked us and caused much havoc in the Shire and Bree.
Gimli: Maybe…maybe not! We all know how you Halflings of the Shire want to be rid of Sauron now that YOU have the One Ring! Why should we trust your word?
Boromir: YEAH! You just want to occupy Mordor to make use of the Powers of Mount Doom and Barad-dur…the Dark Tower! And then who is next…Gondor perhaps?
Elrond: MY HEAD IS SPLITTING! PEOPLE…we need to focus on Sauron and make sure he does not obtain the One Ring or ALL will be lost forever to EVERYONE in Middle Earth!
Gimli: Can’t we just inspect Mordor and make sure that the Dark Lord does not aquire any of these One Rings of Power?
Gandalf: There’s only ONE One Ring of Power you idiot dwarf!!! And once we find him to have it, how then shall we remove the threat?
Legolas: Well, as Elrond has pointed out, after the War of the Last Alliance, all of Middle-earth agreed to a Sanction to disallow the Dark Lord from possessing the One Ring. Thus, once we find him in possession of it, we shall just refer his attention the the legal code and he will be required to hand it over!
Elrond: That is ridiculous! The last time he had it he made war upon all Middle Earth!
Gimli: Well, last time was much different…it only proves that thousands of years ago Sauron would make war. Times and conditions have changed, and NOW we have new Sanctions. Besides, its very likely that we could contain him in Mordor with the three Elven Rings. He would not dare to risk himself against THAT!
Gandalf: But we had the Three Elven Rings last time and he made war!
Legolas: Well…that was before the Sanctions! And if we attack him, then he will most certainly attack us and use the One Ring…if he obtains it that is. We need to talk to him first…diplomaticly of course!
Elrond: ENOUGH AGAIN! Even though he has not yet obtained the One Ring, he still has many other great weapons at his disposal…Great Powers of the Dark originally set forth by Melkor. He has the Nazgul, vast armies of orcs, vast armies of men from the East and South and much more beyond name! He is a threat even now. His lack of the One Ring helps our cause, but does not keep us safe or assure our victory.
Gimli: Well WHO are YOU to talk about GREAT POWERS? You wear Vilya, the mightiest of the Three Rings of the Elves. You have even used it in WAR before! Now isn’t that a tad hypocritical of you going on and all about keeping Sauron from having his Ring of Power? In fact, why shouldn’t YOU allow him to obtain it to create a balance? Or better yet, give up YOUR Ring for the good of all Middle Earth!
Gandalf: You fool! Elrond used the power of Vilya to defeat the Dark Lord long ago in the Last Alliance between Men and Elves, and even now he uses it to preserve all that you see here in Rivendell and much more throughout all Middle Earth!
Legolas: OOOO! Big surprise here…Gandalf defending Elrond’s Ring while he himself wears Narya the Great, one of the Three Elven Rings! It must be nice to be part of the Ring Club eh…Old Grey Man?!!
Boromir: Now I see it! With Sauron out of the way, Elrond, Gandalf and Frodo of the Shire shall march down to Lothlorien and join thier elven witch Galadriel, who wears Nenya the Ring of Mithril…third of the Elven Rings. Then the four of them, without fear of competition from Sauron, shall make an Empire of Middle Earth to hold tightly within their Ring-wielding fists!!
Aragorn: I shall not have my companions accused in such a manner!!!
Gimli: Ha! No surprise their either Dunadan, with you carrying the Sword of Elendil reforged…Narsil…Anduril…whatever you want to call it; it’s only a key into the Ring Club no doubt! What will you get out of it?
Legolas: You foolish dwarf! He shall be King! Our new oppressor! Fascist-Dictator more like it!!!
Boromir: WHAT?!? And take my “seat to be” in Gondor?!? I should have seen this coming!!! D’OH!
Sam: Companions! Please! Why can’t we just love one another…put our heads in each other’s laps…kiss each other upon the brow and hold hands as we sleep in peace together under the waning moon?
(An uncomfortable silence envelopes the Council as all stare at Sam.)
Frodo: WHAT? What’s wrong with THAT? It sounds nice Sam…and we would all live happily ever afterwards to the end of our days!
(After a bit of awkward shuffling in their seats and glances around the group by all, Elrond continues.)
Elrond: Eh…I lost my train of thought…where were we?
Legolas: Plotting your subdual of all Middle Earth Half-Elf!!!
Boromir: Power to the People! We must establish the Peoples Free Republic of Middle Earth and set up social programs and government redistribution of weath…
Gimli: REDISTRIBUTION OF WEALTH?!? You commie bastard…you aint touchin my hoard of gold under the Mountain!!!
Legolas: Enough comrade Gimli and comrade Boromir…we must stick together if we are to defeat this evil plot to rid the world of Sauron so that the Ring Bearers and King cannot dominate us!
Gandalf: You ignorant unwise fools! We must destroy the Ring of Power by tossing into the Crack of Doom at Orodruin…Mount Doom…within the Land of Mordor, then the Three Rings of the Elven Lords shall fade in their power as well.
Boromir: Well…that will end Sauron’s existence as well won’t it?
Elrond: EXACTLY!!!
Legolas: Well who shall then oppose the Power of the King-Dictator Aragorn and his EX-Ring Club cronies?
Frodo: ** DAMN BILBO!!! Where is he?!? I’m gonna kick his FK’in ass for finding this damn thing!!!
