If men had Beauty Pageants

While catching part of the Miss America pageant that was on last month, I thought will stunning clarity just how silly these competitions are ( I know, I’m slow) and just how funny they would be if Men had Beauty Pageants.

I asked hubby if he were a final contestant, what would his platform cause be.

His answer: To have football on more than Sundays, Mondays and occaisional Thursday.
NOW, for all the male dopers out there, what would your platform cause be? And what competitions do you think the guys could do?

In lieu of singing ( which is all these women seem to do anymore or play the piano with gusto) I vote for belching.

Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to help Mom with the dishes.-P.J. O’Rourke

There would HAVE to be a “farting under the covers” section.

And don’t forget the casually standing around with biceps flexed in the hopes that they look “naturally big” that way.

There is nothing on this earth I love more than men :).


Beer-gut-sucking-in has gotta be in the talent contest.

Platform cause, hmm, - how about “All lawns should be allowed to grow naturally, without artificial trimming, mowing, and fertilizing”?

The woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best. - Henry Van Dyke

Talent - I like the idea of the fianl 5 guys going on stage and trying to convince the judges that the fish they almost caught but that got away was the biggest one.

As for my personal platform, it would have to include a healthy mix of urinals as the at home toilet choice and lots more of those moving sidewalks you see so much of in the Jetsons.

It’s not bragging if you can do it - Satchel Paige

I might not do too well in the swimsuit competition, but I’d kick everyone’s ass in Taking Stuff Apart.

Ahhh, Aura, you may win in that competition, but what about its followup of " Putting it back together with no parts left over."

Swim Suit competition has been replaced by who has the biggest buttcrack in jeans event.

May I suggest the “Getting to a place you’ve never been to in the middle of bumfuck nowhere without the use of a map” Category ?


“You know how complex women are”

  • Neil Peart, Rush (1993)

Have to have a “I am charming, smart, sexy, and the best singer in the world while drunk” contest.

I’d kick ass in the WAG catagory. Give me a topic! Any topic! I can come up with a bullshit-yet strangly compelling answer for it.

You say “cheesy” like that’s a BAD thing.

My platform, if I am selected, would be the elimination of that horrible cruelty – vegetarianism. How can people pick on those poor, defenseless vegetables? Animals, at least, have the ability to defend themselves, and are competition for other natural resources that humans need. Eating them is fully justified. But those poor, defenseless, vegetables…

I am a meatitarian, and I am proud.

As for my talent, well, I must humbly say that I know more about baseball players whose last names began with the letter X than anyone else. Sports trivia contest! Yeah!

Chaim Mattis Keller

“Sherlock Holmes once said that once you have eliminated the
impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be
the answer. I, however, do not like to eliminate the impossible.
The impossible often has a kind of integrity to it that the merely improbable lacks.”
– Douglas Adams’s Dirk Gently, Holistic Detective

The swimsuit competition would be changed to the “sitting on the sofa in your underwear” competition. This could be easily combined with the talent portion of the event - “incessant channel surfing while maintaining constant knowlege of the score of every sporting event being broadcast in spite of 4 kids and a female screaming for attention”. Bonus points awarded for crotch scratching.

My platform cause: As Mr. Real Man America I will fight for increased awareness of the debilitating and demeaning problem of semenal reabsorbsion. That’s right, if the boys don’t get used in a timely fashion, they get sucked right back into the man’s body. The last thing a Real Man wants is to have his own body secretly sucking semen. The answer is clear - more sex! Constant, mind-numbing, body cleansing sex! And as your Mr. Real Man America, I will fight for your right to never again be forced to recycle your manhood.

Thank you.

The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average (mean) number of legs. – E. Grebenik

LMAO, Dr. Jackson…

Also, you have my vote for protecting our natural right to have sex at least 3 times a day :wink:

Another Category: “Talking about technical stuff using a lot of jargon you really have no apparent knowledge of”. Preferably held in a garage.


“You know how complex women are”

  • Neil Peart, Rush (1993)

Why, If I were Mr. America, I would work tirelessly to put cart girls on every street corner in this great country of ours. I think it’s just darn unfair that you have to be a rich golfer to have access to a $5 can of warm Bud served by a pimply pre-teen.

And for the talent competition, I will wear my favorite shirt one more time. It is not in fact filthy, and of course I can wear it one more time. It was on top of the hamper, so it wasn’t mixed in.

Livin’ on Tums, Vitamin E and Rogaine

I think that there should be a talent portion, but they would have to think of the most original way to do the “Pull my finger” gag.

Example…I know a guy who used to tell his sister to take his arm and move it up and down, like she was pumping it. Then he’d um…lower the boom, so to speak. It grossed me out but they thought it was hilarious.
Ah, memories!

Sometimes life is so great you just gotta muss up your hair and quack like a duck!

As Mr. America, I will attempt to undo the greatest injustice that has ever been visited upon the people of this great nation–artificial turf.

Dr. J

Also, the Question and Answer portion consists of a single question–“Does this make my butt look big?” Points are awarded for how successfully you manage to weasel out of it.

Dr. J

Another talent competition could be " Lighting farts." Whomever burns the toupee off the host wins!

Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to help Mom with the dishes.-P.J. O’Rourke

How about Interpretive Burping? Loud burps with gratuitous hand motions on the follow-through.

Another idea. An elimination round where they have some woman ramble on and on about something really boring and the contestants must come up with a new knee-jerk not-paying-attention response every ten seconds. No repeats!

How about that…
Is that right…
Ain’t that a corker…

I’d do very well at that, thank you :slight_smile:

“The world ends when I die. And as far as I’m concerned, the rest of the universe might as well call it a day too.” – Matt Groening

In Chicago on Channel 23 (a low power ethnic station) we actually got to see a Mr. Poland contest. I was flicking thru and these guys were wearing robes and I (not speaking Polish) was wondering what the heck it was, but there shirts said “Mr. Poland.”

There ARE male beauty pagents! (see (gag) Arnie Schwwarnejerkoff and the Chippendale dancers…)

The difference is, men watch beauty pagents, read (HA!) “Playbory”, “Penthouse” and such and seemingly don’t feel cheated by the shallowness.

Now women are different. Magnificent muscles, warmth, sensitivity, a selective jungle approach to sex…so that’s superficial? Is this soooo much to ask?..

Nah, female beauty pagents don’t mention false eyelashes in the sink that look like centipedes, PMS or headaches. Men’s beauty pageants wouldn’t address chugging, supersonic farts, scratching, spitting or competitive belching.

The talent portion wouldn’t involve duct tape, because it would have been used up pulling off visible body hair, prior to slicking down with Crisco…Maybe feeble sexual innuendos about power tools: “have I got a hex wrench for YOU, baby!”

Hey, it couldn’t be any stupider than the female version: “My name is Tawny, and I want to be brain surgeon and work for world peace. Whatever.”

Dan Quayle was added to the GOP ticket TO APPEAL TO WOMEN!
The curren Miss Belgium has promised to pose in the nude if elected to office…to prove she keeps her promises.

Sex is in the mind…and the mind is a terrible thing to waste,