You win the thread.
Newark Star-Ledger (Real Estate Section) - “Now Available - Beach Front Property with Unobstructed View of Long Island.”
Kanye West - “Yo Anderson, Imma let you finish this breaking news report, but Yucatán Peninsula had one of the best meteors of all time.”
Nah, if I’d taken more time I would have come up with “LORD TO CITY: DROP DEAD”. That only changes one letter!
I don’t know if the OP wants funny or serious, but since everyone else went funny I’ll go with serious:
"New York City Destroyed by Meteor; Massive Casualties, National Guard Mobilized"
WASHINGTON, DC. - A meteor approximately 1,840 meters wide, weighing over three hundred thousand tons, struck New York City yesterday afternoon at 4:37 PM EST, causing widespread devastation across the entire Greater Long Island region. Local and federal authorities report an initial figure of 2 million residents confirmed to be killed, with the estimated death toll projected reach 9 million and possibly even more by the end of the week, NASA and FEMA officials stated.
Speaking under condition of anonymity, NASA and Department of Defense officials stated that this meteor was “highly anomalous” and was not picked up on any radar or other tracking sources prior to impact. They also stated that it was entirely extraterrestrial and had nothing to do with any manmade activity, such as a foreign hostile power. With an estimated impact force of 460 kilotons, the meteor was roughly twenty-three times as powerful as the Nagasaki atomic bomb.
President Biden has ordered all flags nationwide to be flown at half mast and invoked martial-law, Continuation of Government (COG) emergency measures and mobilized National Guard regulars and reservists from all 50 states to the New York City region.
Alien influence takes the jobs of millions…some right wing rag.
If you’re going serious - a report about an object that size striking anywhere in North America is not coming from anywhere in North America.
(And we need to get down to the serious business of nitpicking meteor vs meteorite vs asteroid.)
Twitter - 
?
#I 
NY #NeverForget
Warning: If you attempt to do that, I will change the premise to “If Mister Mxyzptlk throws a giant rock and New York City is destroyed…”
The Daily Planet - “Last phone booth in Metropolis finally decommissioned”.
San Francisco Chronicle - “It’s Official: San Francisco is The City”
Showbiz:
“The Phantom of the Opera ends its 33-year Broadway run”
Fox News: Marjorie Taylor Green: “Hoax Crater is Dem Diversion.”
The Sun: “24 bucks for this dump?”
More detail on page 3 under photo of girl with big norks.
Christianity Today - “God Back On Track With Destruction Of Gays After Last 7 Major Disasters Accidentally Hit Most Devout Parts Of U.S.”
New York Times: “9 million casualties. Deaths among women, LGTB ,and POC are disproportionate.”.
UK Daily Mail:
NEW YORK DISASTER
Fifteen Brits, including two children, died in a meteor strike on New York City.
Variety: “Chicago Now First City”
The New Yorker (which got the hell out of town after advance warning):
“How to Think About the Risks of Asteroids”
The New York Times:
" "
Mad Magazine: “What - Me Worry?”