“Do you hit your head on stuff a lot?”
Well, I’ve been 6’5" for about 13 years now so I’ve learned to duck, but yeah, it happens.
A few more:
(On seeing the scar on the back of my wrist): Did you try to…you know…kill yourself? (Yes, I’m such an idiot I thought you slash the back of your wrist, where they are no major veins. Actually the real story is so stupid I wish it were a suicide scar: I slipped on some dogshit and put my arm through a store window.
Do you smoke/Do you have a match/cigarette? (Do I look stupid?)
Can you spare some change? (No, I work for a living. Actually, if I have a purse full of cigarettes/money, that does not make them yours for the asking).
You have showtunes in (language of choice) Do you understand it? (Yes, I understand 17 different languages).
Why do you listen to a langugage you don’t understand? (cause I like to, you dumbwit).
You spent xxx number of dollars on a CD? Are you crazy (No, I’m addicted. And they only increase in value).
And my favorite: Andrew Lloyd Webber? Who’s he? (You never heard of Jesus Christ Superstar, Evita, Cats, Starlight Express, Phantom of the Opera, Sunset Boulevard? Where have you spent the last 25 years, with your eyes closed and your fingers in your ears, in a cave, on Mars? Thanks to Cecil Adams…er, Terwilleger for that one).
LOL… I get that. Only my scar came from getting my arm stuck in the automatic retractable shoulder belt in my friend’s car. It’s a long, stupid story, so I generally just tell people I tried to commit “Polish suicide.”
since someone else mentioned this earlier…
Are they Twins?
Why YES! You are so perceptive! This is Rick, he’s three, this is Deirdre, she’s just about two!
No,really, dipshit? They are 13 months apart. The little one’s name is Deirdre (Correct spelling, and pronounce the fracking “R” while you’re at it), she gets her brothers hand-me-downs, she’s too young to care, and they’re super close anyway, why try to “frilly her up now”?
Really, when she grows up, I’m going to tell her to ignore anyone who can’t/won’t pronounce her name right. I’ll back her 1000% if she gets in trouble at school. You have no idea how many people wanted to call me by the short forms of my name. I presumed no familiarity with such ingrates.
-
“You don’t have an accent. Are you sure you’re from the South?”
Yes, you twit. I was born and raised here. Just because I don’t have an accent doesn’t mean that I am not from here. -
“You’re from the South? Do you have a rebel flag?”
No. I find the flag to be historically embarassing, not to mention the fact that I would rather have nothing to do with the KKK, who seems to have adopted that flag for their own. -
(This is my favorite one… by far!) “You have really huge breasts!” (especially from COMPLETE STRANGERS)
No sh*t. I’ve been carrying them around for about 15 years now, so I think I realize how big they are. When I get them reduced at Christmas, (present for me!!) I’ll send you a little boxful you can keep all for yourself! (The staring is just as bad as the question, though. I used to have a tshirt that said, in little tiny print, “stop staring at my tits” right across the front… I’ve never seen so many embarrassed people… tee hee!) -
“Is my food ready yet?” (at my waitstaff job on the weekends)
No. Your food is not ready. You just ordered a gourmet stone-baked pizza 3 minutes and 47 seconds ago. When you placed the order, I told you it took about 20 minutes for it to be prepared and cook. If you had an appointment to get to, you should have gone through a drive thru. -
“You should quit smoking, you know.”
Yup. I know. But you should quit, too, since I just pitched my cigarette at your toupee… -
“You would be so pretty if you would only lose a little weight.” (from my MOM, of all people…)
Yes, I know that I am some hideous, ugly, oafish cow that would turn into a magic fairy princess if I only lost a little weight. Where were you when I took off 50 pounds in 6 months, and actually managed to keep it off? (And when I did take the weight off, question number 3 became more and more prevalent, dammit.) -
“Is that your natural hair color?”
No. When was the last time you saw a baby with Manic-Panic-looking red hair? Or a 5 year old? Or a 10 year old, for that matter? God does not make this color, (s)he just gives us the ability to produce it. Oh, and my eyebrows are a nice shade of black… that should tell you something. -
“Some day you will find a nice guy and you’ll settle down. Just stop looking.”
From my supposed “best friend” no less. What if I don’t want to settle down? I’m not upset that I’m not getting married tomorrow, I’m upset that I can’t find anyone else to hang out with except for your lame-ass! (I’m 27…She’s 22… She’s been married for 3 years, and she’s suddenly the guru at the top of the mountain!!!) -
“How can you listen to that crap? {insert band name here} SUCKS!”
Yup. They suck. They’ve only sold a couple of million albums, they’ve been around for 10 years now. They managed to keep things together when their supposed “genre” was declared dead. They’ve gone through 4 drummers, but still maintained a tight band. But yeah, they suck. (Bonus points if you can figure out who I’m talking about.) -
“You watch wrestling, what are you, some kind of redneck?”
Nope. I also watch PBS on a daily basis. Does that make me some snooty snob? Oh, wait, I listen to rock music. Does that make me an angry young teenager? Oh, I drink coffee all the time, and mess with a computer all day. Does that make me a hacker? Or better yet, I’m a girl. Does that make me a bad driver? You cannot base your opinion of me on one tiny part of my life. I am more than what I watch on tv, listen to on the radio, or do in my spare time, dammit.
Whoah… Thanks for the vent! I feel a little better now!!
Skerri, who should probably find a way to vent on a daily basis…
Amen Smeghead, Amen. I too am blessed with an unusual last name. 10 letters, Polish/Ukranian heritage, if it’s your’s, we’re related. Not one of those “Can I buy you a vowel?” names, but odd enough to make people ask “Gee, I bet it was hard growing up with a name like that” After I show people that if you pronounce it exactly like it looks, and take it syllable by syllable, it’s actually quite easy.
On the plus side, when I answer the phone and someone says “Can I talk to Peter … um … er …”, then I can safely hang up on them.
On introducing myself:
I: Hi, my name’s Christian (I learned very quickly not to say “Hi, I’m Christian.”)
They: Really? Jewish here…
I: smiling weakly Y’know, it’s funny, I’ve had this name for thirty-two years and you’re the very first person to say that to me!
When I was narrower than I am now:
They: Are you okay? You’re so thin!
I: And what other symptoms of unwellness am I exhibiting?
They: Well, sorry, just - it’s windy, so don’t open that umbrella [snicker]!
I: I’m glad you’re so concerned for my welfare. If I were fat, would you tell me not to go swimming?
At my summer share:
They: You should get outside, you’re so pale!
I: I am? Oh, I never noticed it before! Somebody must have filled the hot tub with Clorox! And silly me, I forgot that the Surgeon General especially recommends tanning for persons of my complexion.
They: But why have a beach share if you don’t go outside?
I: For the company and the stimulating conversation.
You’re a Republican?!? (Tygr checks his voter card) Well, gosh, that’s what they gave me, so I guess so!
Do you really hate the environment? Yes, I do. I’m so glad I don’t live there.
Do you really hate women? Yes. I’m glad I don’t have to sleep with one on a regular basis.
Do you really hate minorities? Wait, let me take off my white hood so I can answer that.
Why did you vote for George W.? Because he’s a smart man with some really good ideas.
Why did you vote for Jesse Helms? Because he’s a smart man with some really good ideas.
Why do you listen to Rush Limbaugh? Because he’s a smart man with some really good ideas.
Why are you a Republican? Because I’m a smart man with some really good ideas.