I was listening to a girl on campus talk about this same thing. When she would answer Boston, the other person would ask, ‘Where are you from originally.’ She then said, “But then you realize what they’re asking is ‘You’re brown, and we want an explanation.’”
When working on a video game:
"Mister, can I have a quarter?"
If they are postpubescent:
"No, but if you come home with me I’ll give you five dollars."
Still use it even though it got me fired once.
This answer may or may not work for you but I use it whenever someone asks me (here in US):
"What nationality do you think he/she is?"
about someone of Asian descent.
*** “Give you ten to one odds - American.”***
I was going to say something along the lines of “contrary to what your local fundie crackpot might have told you”, but there are fundamentalists who are not crackpots, so . . . 
{matt_mcl}
So you like the Braves, huh? So that must make you kinda racist, right?
And if I likes the Kings, I guess that would make me anti-gay, right? Because the views of one person somehow extend to the whole team. Right. And I so hate Andruw Jones and Odalis Perez and Rafael Furcal, and Quilvio Veras, and boy Henry Aaron was just such a lucky fucker, you know?
Why don’t you cut your hair?
Because I don’t want to. Otherwise I would have by now.
But it’s so . . . long! You know?
I had never realized that. See, I’ve lost the ability both to look in a mirror and twist my neck. In addition, I’ve been taking one big nap since December of 1998, which is when I last got it cut (you know you wanted to ask), and I just woke up five minutes ago and you’re the FIRST person to tell me that!
You’re an English major? Ah, so you couldn’t come up with a real major?
You better hope I don’t teach your kid . . . if s/he is as stupid as you are I’ll be lighting candles hoping you don’t breed. Yes, I’m an English major. Why? Because I like English. No, but why really? Is it that hard to believe that I like reading and writing?
Actually the reason I’m an English major is that there’s no elem. educ. major here. I’m also minoring in psych (though not officially, yet). Does that make me a nutcase? Does that mean I’m going to diagnose you as anything more than having a terminal case of stupidity?
So you spend a lot of time on the computer . . . does that mean you have no friends or a life?
Why yes, it does. Ignoring the fact that I talk to lots of my friends online and that I do more than just surfing for porn and playing the latest version of “BLOOOOOOOD!!!”, of course. And let’s also, of course, ignore the fact that there are currently upwards of a hundred people on my buddy list, and there are also people I talk to via email who aren’t on that list . . . yup, I’m a friendless loser. And you’re talking to me. What does that make you?
- Hi, Opal!
Yes, it was funny when it started. It is seriously, seriously, seriously old now.
Ah yes, there is this one lady I work with (she has been mentioned in other threads) who no matter how many times people tell her that my name is Lauren she calls me Laurie Lorna Laura or anything else BESIDES my name! I even have it plastered onto my chest now (we just ordered name tags cuz we work at a restaurant) and she STILL calls me Laura! I feel like asking her if she is illiterit or just a dumbass.
** Your a lefty? How’d you get that way? I never would of guessed you were a lefty!**
No shit! gosh I never would of noticed. You know one day when I was 4 I just decided that I’d be different from everyone else and write with my OTHER hand! Forgive me, I should have put a sign on to let you know. Dimwit!
** Why don’t you smile more?**
Even though I am a blonde, that doesn’t mean I have to wear a cheezy grin on my face 24/7 but that doesn’t mean I’m in a bad mood either. And I really don’t care how many muscles it takes to smile.
** I just blew <insert beverage of choice> out of my <insert oriface of choice> all over my <insert possession of choice> **
TSD’s incrementally more original version of the bandwidth wasting ROTFLMAO. Cut it the fuck out please. It adds nothing to the discussion. The board is slow enough as it is.
Haj
So when are you guys going to have another kid?
Cranky Jr. is merely two. What’s the hurry? The thing is, if I tell them we’re thinking we might never choose to have a second child, the intrusive, judgmental questions get even worse. I won’t list them here.
** Wow, you were an econ major. So you’re really good at balancing your checkbook and stuff, huh?**
That’s right. This is what the study of economics is all about: reconciling personal bank statements.
This one comes when I am out alone: Where’s Cranky Jr? Is Mr. Cranky babysitting?
First of all, don’t act so surprised as if I am being a brave (perhaps even neglectful) mother to leave my son at home with his father. And his father, by the way, is PARENTING, not babysitting.
How’s your dissertation coming?
I do not want to hear this question. Ever. It’s a huge pain in the ass and while you’re trying to act interested, it’s a sensitive topic because it’s sucking the life out of me. If I wanted to discuss it, I’d bring it up.
Finally, Oh, you’re studying higher education? So you want to be a president of a college someday, huh? Christ, no. I can’t think of a job I’d loathe more. Just like not everyone who studies political science wants to be the U.S. President. Oh wait, I’ll bet that’s news to you, too.
Upon finding out that I have hearing problems.
So you’re deaf? No. I’m half deaf in one ear with mild damage in the other.
You don’t sound like you’re deaf. I’m not completely deaf. And then there were those 6 years of speech therapy.
Why don’t you wear a hearing aid? I don’t need to. I’m very good at lip reading.
Oh, so can you tell me what I’m saying? <fuckwit proceeds to mouth a bunch of words.> I can on occasion, but why do you feel the need to test my ability? And when I can’t- guess what, ass-elf? When you are mouthing words you are not speaking like you normally do. And you don’t need to speak to me like I’m stupid.
<fuckwit calls my name at some point and I can hear them> You’re not deaf. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. Tell that to my audiologist, my family, my ear doctor. I could hear you this time. This is probably because you were standing in front of me on my good side in a relatively quiet room. I’m not deaf, but the disability is there and I don’t appreciate you marginalizing or quantifying it.
How’s your boyfriend?
I don’t know, I’m not his damn babysitter. Why don’t you ask him yourself if you really care?
How long have you two been going out?
First, let me just say that there is no expression I hate more than “going out.” Are we still 6th graders? Gee whiz. Second, does it make my relationship with him more valid if I say over a year? Third, I know you’re going to ask me this exact same question tomorrow, so don’t even bother.
I wish people would ask how to spell my name. My parents had the genius idea of naming me Kerry. It gets spelled a zillion different ways. People invent spellings on the spot. I’ve gotten used to saying “Kerry [Surname]…that’s K-E-R-R-Y [S-U-R-N-A-M-E].”
What did we do in [subject] class today?
Can’t you wait 20 minutes to find out? I hate giving you the minutes of the class every day, just because you hate to be surprised. Use your brain, too, please. If we’ve taken notes the last 4 days in anatomy and physiology, it’s probably a good sign that we’re taking notes today, too. Plus, the teachers us way in advance if there’s a test/quiz/lab, so you should know roughly what to expect.
Do you have any gum?
Oh yes. I spend all of my lunch money on gum just for you. Can’t you buy your own gum? It’s a quarter for five pieces. That will hardly break your wallet. One time, this girl I barely knew kept asking me, “Gum? Gum? Gum. Gum? Gum! Gum???” I guess she couldn’t even finish a sentence. If you barely know me, don’t ask me for gum. Even if I do happen to have this oh-so-precious commodity, I will not share it with you.
Oh yeah. I know people who greet me by asking how my boyfriend is. And these are people who have never met my boyfriend and probably never WILL meet my boyfriend… and if they DID meet my boyfriend, he’d probably dislike them for being morons!
While I’m bitching about SO questions…
You met him on the INTERNET? How do you know he’s not a psycho/old guy/pervert/etc?
If he is, he’s a really good actor and deserves an Emmy. Let’s just pretend my name is Emmy.
He’s from Texas? How many guns does he have/how many people has he shot/is he a rodeo cowboy?
Yes. All people from Texas are gunslinging rodeo cowboys. His username aside.
He’s from Texas? I hate Texans [insert list of bigoted reasons for their opinion]
Good for you.
What, don’t you like Northern boys?
Not any I’ve met so far. Especially not you.
Actually, until recently, I didn’t realize that deaf people were allowed to drive. Back in Driver’s Ed, they spent damn near a whole lesson about the fact that it was illegal to wear headphones, or in any way cover both ears, therefore blocking one’s ability to hear. So, I figured that if someone can’t hear, they can’t drive. I found out otherwise when a co-worker was telling a story about his sister (who is deaf) and something that happened while she was driving. I told him I didn’t know that deaf people could drive. He was extremely offended until I explained my (apparently faulty) reasoning. So, while I’m sure you get tired of hearing it, I can see where people might be surprised.
Note that in some cultures it is considered good manners (sometimes almost mandatory) to ask about people’s relations (SO, parents, kids, etc) whenever you run into them. But I know what you mean, I deal with people from those cultures all the time and even knowing this, their questions still irritate me sometimes.
Whenever I go back to Canada for a visit (I live in Silicon Valley now, bleh!) people always ask me “so have you bought a gun yet?” But that’s more of a joke and we all laugh.
And in the last 2 days, I’ve heard this one 3 times:
When are you going to start a family?
#1. We ARE a family. There’s just two of us right now.
#2. We’ve only been married six weeks! Give us a break already!
We’ll start assembling our army when we’re–and you’re–good and ready for it. If we ever are.
That’s really it for now. And you know, I’m okay with there just being one.
I CAN’T SEE YOUR LEGS!: I get this when I wear camouflage pants. Ah, shaddap. If it wasn’t that funny or clever to begin with, it certainly isn’t going to be after the thousandth time.
But it’s a dry heat! (The classic rejoinder to that is, “and when it rains, it’s a dry rain!”). So that makes the 120-degree days of Phoenix summers easier to bear how? Guess that time I passed out from the heat (A/C was broken in the car) was due to some freak one-day somatoform disorder, as everyone knows that “dry” heat won’t even make you lightly perspire! :rolleyes: Not to mention there is some humidity in Arizona, which you would know had you spent more than an hour there changing planes once back in May of 1991. Fuckadoodle.
My favorite response to this idiotic statment:
So’s your oven and I don’t spend time much in there either.
Oh.
I’m sorry. Really. :o
You must be good at languages!
Yep, a natural, that’s why I spent about 10 hours a day every frickin’ day for 5 years to become proficient in Chinese. If I was good at languages, I’d be like my wife and speak Shanghaiese and Mandarin as a mother tounge, University level Japanese, business level Cantonese, fluent English and passable conversational French. Yessirree Bob, silly white guy here must be a whiz at languages to get decent in Mandarin.
Upon learning the husband is disabled: Why did you marry someone like that?
Uh, because I love him?
Why do you stay married to him?
See answer to first question
Can he…you know… uh…
Yes, we have sex and no it isn’t any of your goddamn business.
or, the alternative version:
Well, if you’re married to him and he’s like that then who do you do “it” with?
Gimp sex - don’t knock it 'til you’ve tried it.
Hey, baby - you wanna do it with a real man like me instead of him?
No. When you grow up into a real man maybe you’ll understand why what you just said is so fucking offensive, asshole.
He’s not really disabled - he can walk
Uh, yeah, but did you get a look at the way he walks?
Does he have, uh, problems, um, going to the, uh, bathroom?
Only if the door is locked. Once he rips the door off the hinges and get inside, though, he can usually manage OK.
What happened to him?
If you’re that curious, ask him yourself.
But I don’t want to offend him or make him uncomfortable
Look, dipshit, you’ve already made rude speculations on our marriage, sexual habits, and toilet training - and you’re worried about being offensive???
If you would just Find Jesus he would heal your husband.
I’m sorry, didn’t know that Jewish carpenter got lost again. Did you check under the table/bed/curb/bush/whatever other local object I can point to?
You shouldn’t do XXX because you’re husband can’t
He has perfect pitch and I don’t - maybe he should stop using his ears so I don’t feel inadequate?
You shouldn’t do XXX because it’s dangerous, you might get hurt/killed/maimed and then who would take care of your husband?
My husband took care of himself many years before we married. When I was unemployed he took care of me as well as himself. He’s an adult, he runs his own business, and is quite capable as a human being as long as you don’t ask him to dance or run marathons.
Have you tried XXX herbal supplement? It helped the great-grandson of my third counsin’s step-niece’s best friend!
I am so happy for him/her/it - No, we haven’t tried the latest miracle cure, we are so much in favor of continued chronic pain and disability we want to keep the hubby just the way he is. The fact that you think sipping an herbal tea can in any way affect, much less cure, a decades-old spinal injury only betrays the appalling depths of your ignorance of reality.
This one’s for you, Tibs. I get asked this all the fucking time.
Now listen, cocksocket, you’re an adult, use the language you supposedly mastered at the fucking age of 8 and ask me if they are BIOLOGICALLY related. Fuckwit. They’re my KIDS. And NO, they’re NOT Chinese either. They’re Korean. You’re white, does that make you British? What are you, the skin police? <<Snarl>>.
Ach du lieber, do I hear you on this one, Tibs.
[Smart Aleck Hat On] So, uh, is Tibs like a traditional Chinese name or what? Is that ethnic? Some of my best and closest friends are named Tibs [/ Smart Aleck Hat Off]
Cartooniverse
( Note: Some of the above mentioned obscenities have been learned at the knee of jarbabyj, the high priestess of obscenity. I am but her humble servant 
)