If Osama Were President

…what would happen to our dear little world?

Say it’s late 2012. The planets are aligned, the poles have reversed, AGW has melted Fort Knox, and North Korean hackers have rigged the election in Osama’s favor. After a brief Supreme Court scuffle and the discovery of a long-list birth certificate, the United States has for the first time in its history a Real Muslim President.

He narrowly survives fourteen hundred assassination attempts, praises Allah in his inaugural speech, and proceeds to take over the show. Osama bin Laden: Freedom Fighter, Soviet Resister, and 45th President of the United States.

How does this change US policy? Discuss.

It pretty much becomes a copy of Bush II’s policy. He already acted like he was a tool of Al Qaeda; now we’d have the real thing.

I totally read this as “What if Obama were president?” I read it several times, trying to figure out if the OP were trolling, stupid, crazy, or what.

If Osama were elected president, he would be apprehended en route to the inauguration, then tried and convicted on several thousand counts of homicide.

Assassination attempt 1401 would succeed. It would likely be mine. The grateful people would offer me an Emperor’s Crown three times. A few would be somewhat surprised when I do not decline on the third offer. The Pax Oakminster would be established, and all would rejoice.

Granting the OP’s premise and assuming bin Laden somehow becomes President, I figure he would follow his declared principles. He’d pull American troops out of the Middle East and any other Islamic countries. He’d oppose Israel and any other country he saw as occupying Islamic land. He’d oppose secular governments and support the creation of theocratic governments in Islamic countries like Turkey, Egypt, Syria, Pakistan, etc.

I don’t think bin Laden had a plan for what he’d do it he somehow took over the United States. In theory, his only issues with the United States is when we interfere in Islamic countries. But I suppose if bin Laden came to power here, he might decide to expand his agenda and try to turn the United States into an Islamic state.

Osama would spend his first few days attempting to enact legislation to enforce sharia law and repeal various dirty American freedoms. Unfortunately, congress won’t be cooperative, and any support he does get in congress will be gridlocked by fierce opposition. The “Force All Non-Muslims to Kill Themselves Act” will get stuck in committee and die after the 15th rider about a congressional pay raise.

Frustrated, Osama would make speech after speech declaring his hatred for the entire country, but the apathetic populace will only respond via vapid discussions on what this could mean for his poll numbers. He’ll try to set up complicated plans, like creating the Department of Jihad, where the cabinet members he hires will eventually strap bombs to themselves and detonate in the capital building. Unfortunately, his advisers will constantly be all over him to start preparing for the next election cycle, and he won’t actually have time to do what he came in to do.

In the end, he’ll end up a victim of the natural political process and become just another watered down, empty suit, tied to lobbyist and other commercial interests. He came in to defeat the evil American pigs, but in the end, a bystander will look to him, and the other American pigs, and not be able to tell which is which.

Political pundits declare the Bin Laden Administration “dead on arrival” after the new president squanders his political capital trying to pass the Strengthening and Helping America by Reforming its Ideals Act (SHARIA), which narrowly passes in the House of Representatives, but then gets bogged down in the Senate, where its supporters are unable to defeat a filibuster. What’s worse, President bin Laden alienates much of his base after accepting a series of compromise deals that seriously water down the bill (women would be permitted to go out in public wearing headscarves, but not full face-covering veils; both Shi’ite and Sunni Islam would be given equal legal status; and, in the ultimate case of “pork-barrel politics”, pig meat would be declared to be halal in an ultimately vain attempt to gain the votes of several key Senators from major hog-producing states). The President suffers a further political blow from a sex scandal involving an underage goat, but in a suprising development, President bin Laden wins considerable public sympathy with a moving Oval Office speech (“My Pet Goat”), and although impeached narrowly escapes conviction in the Senate. He goes on to achieve several legislative successes in the second half of his term (the Anti-Riba Act proves very popular with Americans who had previously been paying interest on their credit card debts and mortgages, and a tough new Crime Bill that replaces lethal injection with beheading or stoning wins support in much of the South), before being assassinated by Islamic radicals.

He’d die in the nuclear holocaust caused by the explosion of Glenn Beck’s head.

Glenn Beck’s head might be that big, but it sure ain’t that powerful.

Obviously, after sucking at the teat of freedom, he’s going to become a Protestant and lead this country to greatness.

Or, end up like GWB. One or the other.

No. If Bin-Laden were President, the Generals, Under-secretaries, Governors and journalists would need no spoken agreement to ignore the “White House” and pursue normal rational policies as best they could. Government might be crippled, but any evil and stupid ideas emanating from the Oval Office would be ignored.

This is what should have happened when GWB was in office, but it took Americans quite a while to wake up to what a travesty he was.

So true :smiley: