If TV Shows and Movies Had Honest Titles

In another thread, I opined that “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” should just be called “Let’s Perpetrate Some Stereotypes!” since the show really is just about exploiting the stereotype of gay men, using a positive part of the stereotype so they can get away with it. I figure next they’ll have “When Black Guys Jump.” On FOX, of course.

But then I thought … what if EVERY show had a really honest title that just told you straight up what it was about? Wouldn’t that be great? Here’s some ideas, go ahead and add yours:

The O.C. becomes Check Out The Boobies On These Teenagers In Bikinis and Underwear

Survivor becomes Now, Check Out The Gazongas On These Twentysomethings

Boston Public becomes Let’s Do Every `Very Special Episode’ In TV History

Or movies:

The Matrix becomes Hey Computer Geeks, We Made A Movie About Your Wet Dreams

Have at it!

Smallville becomes Another WB Teen Soap Opera Only With Special Effects

Well, let’s face it,
the names “hunk of crap” “contrived hunk of crap” “the same crap as the last movie”
“the same crap as the last move 2”
“chickflick” “son of chickflick” “son of chickflick 2”
“chick flick X”
and “citizen kane”
would pretty much cover it.

NASCAR on NBC -> Commercials interrupted occasionally by racing.

Why specify racing?

Sports on network television -> Commericals interrupted occasionally by sports.


Movies on network television -> Heavily edited films interrupted by progressively longer commercial breaks, until you can’t actually remember what it is you’re watching.

Must see TV --> Must go online and check the Dope

Enterprise --> Captain Underpants and Randy the Randy Panda

Knight-Rider would be called - Fat hairy man in sunglasses sits in car while the car solves crime

Seinfeld & Friends: The New York We Wished Existed.

American Idol: The High Profit-Margin Hour.

“The Honeymooners” would be “Isn’t Abject Poverty & Spousal Abuse Hilarious?”

“The Brady Bunch” would have to be called “WASP/ Aryan Supremacist Ideal of the Nuclear Family With Creepy Incestual Overtones.”

“Welcome Back Kotter” becomes “Inner City Slum School Watered Down and Depicted Humourously for Middle Class Tastes.”

“Dallas” becomes “the Let’s-All-Pretend-We’re-Morally-Superior-to-Mega-Rich Folks-While-Enviously-Ogling-Their-Lifestyle Hour.”

“Melrose Place” becomes “The Idiotic Trashy Lives of Pretty L.A. People.”

It’s so bad somebody documents it.


“Survivor”- should be “Can you survive watching this contrived piece of shit?”

“Golden Girls” - Four Old Farts making the Best of their Twilight Years

Big Brother - > Smite your choice of fame-starved losers, for only a few pennies a call.

Joe Millionare -> Women are Superficial Golddiggers

Fox News -> Live from Republican Party Headquarters

I Dream of Jeannie -> Prime-time Kinky Erotica

and my personal fanboy indulgance:
Transformers: Armada -> Transformers: Pokemon

“24” becomes “Hey, I remember that guy! Keith something, right?”

ON Stage: ** Dance of the Vampire ** becomes ** Michael Crawford sucks **. Hardly original, I know.

** Rent ** becomes ** The Show that is Profitable only in New York City and Only Because The Writer Jonathan Larson Died as a Result of Bad New York City Hospitals Before the Show Opened **.

** Mamma Mia! ** becomes ** ABBA: Now and Forever **

I thought Rent was La Boheme - Now With 50% Less Quality!

Baywatch -> The Show With More Breasts Than Frank Perdue or Beach? What beach? My God, Look at the Tits!

Everybody Loves Raymond…Except For His Parents

Buffy the Vampire Slayer becomes SPIKE the Vampire Slayer Layer, Featuring Buffy the Obnoxious Speech-Giver

Smallville becomes the WB’s official Lana is Pretty! AND HER PARENTS DIED! weekly tribute, shown thrice weekly

Gilmore Girls becomes Random Stars Hollow Townie of the Week occasionaly pre-empted by the Rory Gilmore - Ain’t She Perfect show.

Angel becomes **SPIKE!..and Angel **
(Yes, I get a little bitter when secondary characters take over.)