Top Ten Vegas Casinos - The Hour-Long Commercial That Stops for Breaks of Shorter Commercials
Sex and the City - Six Years, 84 Episodes, One Plot
The O’Reilly Factor - The Conservative Circle Jerk Hour
The 700 Club - Fleecing the Ederly and Ignorant in the Name of the Lord
Any of the 24-hour channels:
Bugs, logos, stock quotes, weather data, news crawls, more logos, and a talking head to keep you from reading any of the printed stuff, or vice versa – and some commercials.
Friends: Dicks and Bitches
CSI – Crime Scene Investigation – “As close as we could get to making a Manhunter series without paying Thomas Harris a dime.”
I do like Will Graha–, err, Gill Grissom, though.
M.A.S.H. : “Anti-war anti-establishment hippies fifteen years before their time”
Enterprise: “…And you thought Voyager was bad!”
Ed, Edd, and Eddie: “Hey, if being ugly and stupid worked for Beavis and Butthead, let’s have three really ugly, really stupid guys.”
Star Wars: The Phantom Menace: “George Lucas’ regression to infancy”
Star Wars: Attack of the Clones: The whiniest, surliest most unlovable adolescent since the second Robin"
Terminator 3: “Ahnold needs the money and publicity for his gubernatorial bid”
*could apply to any of several titles-
*Freddy VS. Jason: “We were joking, but the studio took us seriously”
*The Hulk: “CGI in search of a plot”
Matrix reloaded: “Philosophical mumbo-jumbo and overlong
action sequences to take attention away from the plot holes”
But Edd’s a genius.
Garfield: “10 things the cat can say when he’s in this position.”
The only one the immediately comes to mind:
Laura Croft: Grave Robber
Gigli: “Go ahead and watch it. We dare you.”
Law & Order (TOS): Someone’s dead.
Law & Order (SVU): Someone’s a pervert.
Law & Order (CI): Someone’s WAAAY too smart.
LOL! Perfect.
As for me…
Friends—“Hey look, plot and character advancement! Naah, just kidding! We’re setting most of it back to ‘status quo’ in the last five minutes.”
Everybody Loves Raymond—“Hapless lummoxes meet Merciless Magpies gone wild” (A little flowery, but still…)
ER—“Jerks in scrubs, kicking around wimps in scrubs. Some gore.”
Most of the Star Trek: The Next Generation movies—“Watch Berman alienate the fanbase some more. (Complain, and he’ll kill off another character)”
Most of Christ Carter’s works—“I despise the audience, and I refuse to believe that people are attracted more to the characters than the stories.”
Glutton Bowl—
…Well, who said that honesty was completely dead?
Futurama become “Check out Bender -He’s an Lovable Ass, isn’t He?”
Frasier become “Radio psychiatrist has moral dillema with hilarious results”
Suddenly Susan become “A show with Brooke Shields in it… she’s not really good at comedy and not all tht fun to luck at either but you have to admire her effort, right?”
Digimon become “This is only a temporary title because we can’t figure out what this show is about.”
Banzai become “The way Japanese people act sure is funny.”
Will & Grace: Obnoxious, Neurotic, Gay Stereotype and Gay Stereotype
COPS - No one with an IQ over 50 allowed to watch
America’s Funniest Home Videos - Cute kids, cute animals and people getting hurt and no one gets paid.
Of course I have to throw in some anime… sorry…
OK this is obvious : Pokemon: Buy lots of crap. Or, for those who actually watch it: Team Rocket gets their butts kicked one more stupid, frustrating time.
Trigun: Hot guys who would make cute couples, fangirls and boys!
Cowboy Bebop: In Space, no one can hear you violate the laws of physics.
Hellsing: Check out the tits on that vampire chick!
** Fraiser ** becomes **Two Guys Acting Straight Who are Not IRL **
Any movie starring you-know-who becomes ** THIS Guy Wants to be Governor of California? **
Similarly, The Simpsons would be “Check out Homer-he’s a lovable ass, isn’t he?”
Oz should be called “All My Penises” or “Days of Our Penises” (Or if you don’t feel like inserting the word “Penis” into soap opera titles all day you could just call it “The Penis Chronicles”)
The Man Show should be called “I Hate You All Cause You Don’t Want to Have Sex With Me” and Jimmy Kimmel should be renamed “Wow I Suck and I’m Not Funny”
Kink should be called “Ass Acne at Play” or possibly just “Horny and Poorly Lit”
Late Nite with David Letterman should be called “Maybe This Will Be The Night I Finally Just Make “Monty” Wear A Dog Collar And Beg “Daddy” For Sex So I Can Ask Her If She Loves It And Wait For Her To Deadpan: ‘No’ And ‘Because You Made Me!’ For The Ultimate Punchline To My Increasingly Creepy Schtick”
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno = “The Chin Man”
Steel Magnolias = “A Handful of Neurotic Women”
Fried Green Tomatoes = “The Handful of Neurotic Women Strikes Back”
Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood = “Return of the Handful of Neurotic Women”
Armageddon = “The Way an Asteroid Threat Would Never Happen”
Field of Dreams = “Loser Who Hears Voices Builds Baseball Diamond Serving No Purpose in Cornfield”
WEST WING: “Pedantic Preachiness While Walking and Talking”
Queer as Folk becomes “Gratuitous T&A, without so much T, except when it’s rubbing against other T”
Designing Women becomes “The Linda Bloodworth Thomason Ultra Leftist Infomercial and Dixie Carter singalong”
Seinfeld becomes “Completely narcissistic thirtysomething urbanites… not that there’s anything wrong with that…”
Cosby Show becomes “Impossible Ideals: the Early Years”
Oliver Beene becomes “Wonder Years: the Ripoff”
Malcolm in the Middle becomes “Bitchin’ Mom— and not in a good way”