- Give in to peer pressure (of the thread) and don’t start smoking.
- Do no taunt Happy Fun Ball.
- Stay in school.
Ages 8-12. Yes, you are smarter than most people around you. Don’t let their bullying you because of it drag you down.
Ages 13-16. More of the same. Also understand that the little rich shits at the private school you are attending are really miserable and hate themselves. Making you feel bad is how they make themselves feel good.
Age 16-19. Stay in college. Don’t get married at 19, even though she is a great person. Wait; show some self-discipline. It will pay off in later years. Speaking of pay offs, open a savings account, start putting money in it and don’t touch it until you are 61 years old.
Lord loves a working man, don’t trust whitey, see a doctor and get it fixed.
On a more serious note,
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Don’t marry a woman named after an emotion
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Turn down the TDY to the Philippines in 91.
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Finish school.
I can’t think of anything I’d feel I needed to be warned about, and I wouldn’t listen anyway.
- Age 9: You and your best friend will entertain yourselves by creating an elaborate fantasy world together. When you do, for God’s sake make up something nice. You may find it boring, but she will not like being told that her garden is haunted and her parents are evil wizards who kidnapped her as a baby and are now plotting her death. You will feel awful about making her cry.
- Age 12: Embrace your inner weirdness! You’re never going to fit in with the cool kids no matter how hard you try, and those losers waving at you are a hell of a lot more interesting anyway. Don’t reject their sincere offers of friendship.
- Age 16: Study hard and stop being so lazy. Yes, you are smart, but that doesn’t mean you can afford to coast. Yes, you probably are capable of becoming a doctor, but you won’t make it with an attitude like that.
Were they really wizards, though?
Freshman year in college: Just because you can eat as much as you want in the cafeteria doesn’t mean you have to. Yes, I know that you’re finally getting that growth spurt that everyone else had in high school, but having three desserts is not the way to feed your appetite. And while you’re at it, try to get more exercise.
College and afterward: Don’t worry so much about dating (although if you followed the above advice that might not be as much of a problem). Relax and stop trying so hard. And don’t let the idiots who think it’s fun to tease you get you down.
Mid-80s: When they start offering that thrift savings plan at work, don’t just invest the maximum (at least you got that right) but put some of it into stocks and bonds instead of sticking to the safer plan. You’ve got time to take a bit of risk.
Bonus advice, on the off chance that the rest of your life follows roughly the same course as it did for me: Stay away from that Karen bitch in the chat room; all she’ll do is screw up a much better relationship.
a) 1977: No, you do not want to be on the bleeding edge of progressive invasion of the most conservative campus on the freaking continent, you want to be among other like-minded people. Do not, I repeat DO NOT worry overly much about the great social transformation that started in the 60s being over and done with before you got a chance to be on the front lines. Apply to Berkeley, or perhaps U Cal at Santa Cruz. Do not apply to the University of Mississippi. You, at the age of 18, really and truly do not want to be in Oxford or on the Ole Miss campus. Trust me on this.
b) 1988: Good of you to be getting your grad school applications in, but you don’t have enough baskets for your eggs, so to speak. If, hypothetically speaking and all, your first choice rejects you and your second choice program undergoes an internal reorganization and ceases to have any assistanceships to offer in your area of concentration, you’d want a few more prospects lined up, so you don’t end up graduating with honors and great GPA and nowhere to go in the fall.
c) 2009: When your dirtbag boss emails you that “agree in writing or we go our separate ways” ultimatum after having had you turn in your cellphone and disabling your corporate email address, just ignore it, don’t answer it or acknowledge having received it at all. There’s no right answer, but because he stupidly cut you loose from all formal channels of communication, you have no obligation to him to have a working private email address that does not happen to filter his messages out as spam or anything. Let him continue paying your salary while you do no work until he tires of it, THEN file for unemployment. Or at least drag the process out until he hires a process server to go find you physically and establish that you’ve received the ultimatum. Then do not answer it except on advice of an attorney. And no, not THAT attorney.
1.) Dance more, and start sooner. Use it to meet people.
2.) Exercise more, and start sooner. Use it to look and feel good.
3.) You’re going to spend your 20s surrounded be salivating younger women who think you’re the best thing since sliced bread.* Don’t get too upset just because the first girl to show serious interest in you changes her mind right after you fall for her. Seriously, she’s not worth your first (and only! knock on wood) bout with depression.
*see previous point on dancing.
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Don’t eat so much junk and processed food.
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Don’t assume you’re going to get a full-time position in your profession.
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Exercise.
The thing is… I am he sum total of all my experiences, both good and bad. So although I’d be tempted to avert some disaster, they have also been instrumental in creating the guy I am today. Change my history and I may also never meet my fiancee. :eek:
So, I’m going to pick things that would not have produced a different outcome but that would make me feel better about them.
- Take up kayaking sooner, you’ll love it.
- Don’t take the evil ex back. One break up was enough and she gets even crazier.
- Kiss the girl. She’ll still marry the other guy, but you won’t regret this missed opportunity.
A lot of these may be advice, but they aren’t warnings (as per the OP).
1980: Don’t start overeating to cope with problems.
1993: Don’t take out student loans to pay for college.
1997: Be more persistent about the mental health issues you’re facing. Don’t give up and get good treatment NOW. Giving in will only hurt you in the long (LONG) run.
Junior high: Beat the shit out of that guy. He will cause you nothing but headaches for years.
Road trip: Don’t leave your sister on the counter while you go open the door. She will fall.
High school: Ask her out 2 weeks before you plan to. She likes you a lot, you two get along, and she will be 10 times hotter in a year.
never mind
Late 80’s - Listen to your old man and stash some of that cash you are making now. Hookers and Blow only last as long as the cash does.
1989 - Yes the roof looks fine but the fire may have weakened it. Put on a safety harness.
1998 - Just because you saw smoke coming up from your privates does not mean the vasectomy is done correctly. Test yourself twice or the new vehicle you will get will not be the one you wanted because it will be practical and fit the extra car seat you now have.
Just one. In 2000 - sell all your options, you dope!
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Start taking voice lessons ASAP. You will be so glad you did and it will make things much easier down the line.
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Quit being so homesick and go out and enjoy living in another country. You’ll never get this kind of freedom again.
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Be more careful about where you put your purse.
:smack: You’re right! Okay, lemme try again.
- Don’t take the evil ex back. She is crazier the second time around.
- Don’t go skiing with Dave, your ear will get torn off.
- Stay away from the cocker spaniel. He bites and your young weiner happens to be the right height for an effortless chomp. (Thank Jeebus for blue jeans!)
1990: Don’t be friends with E. Yes, you’re new in town, but E is not a good friend and she will prove it over and over to you. Just avoid her altogether.
2008: Don’t agree to be induced. Let the baby come when she decides. This is going to be your only pregnancy-enjoy it.
2008 (bad year): Don’t agree to be in C’s wedding. Flying by yourself with a 6 month old is awful. Being in an out-of-town wedding where you don’t know anyone but the bride is not fun.