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You’re a lesbian. Your parents will be really cool about the whole thing.
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You want to be a pilot, seriously, you do, just go with it. Go to college anyway but for God’s sake plan your finances with your future in mind.
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Take the high road with your extended family. Yes, they are pig-dog assholes and some of them are evil but your petty sniping and general dicketry will just make life harder for your immediate family.
Considering the events of this weekend, it would also be really nice to know that my best friend’s boyfriend is a sick fuck who will be arrested for looking at child porn.
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Don’t take up drinking (obvious one that) you’re not like everyone else in that regard.
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Don’t confess your feelings for a certain person. It all goes pear-shaped after that.
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Don’t join the SDMB. They’re all a bunch of tossers and you won’t learn a thing.
[sub]One of those is a joke[/sub]
Don’t buy a house in 2005.
Sell everything else and pour it into that Google IPO.
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Don’t mistake the feelings of strong friendship that you’ve had with your best friend since elementary school for love. Trust me, kid, you don’t know what love is yet. Yeah, yeah, I know, those are ‘the strongest feelings you’ve ever had for someone, how could it possibly not be love?’ Well, it’s just that really good friendship you have going. For Og’s sake (don’t worry kid, it’s an amusing reference you’ll get in 20 years’ time), don’t wreck that for anything, you need her much more as a friend than a lover/wife/Og knows what else you have planned for her. You’ll know love when it comes, and it will come. When it does come (with someone else), you’ll need your friend more as a friend.
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Don’t worry about your persona to the other kids in school, just be yourself. Yeah, I know you hear that from everyone all the time but this is you telling you this, with the benefit of age. Trust me, people will like you a lot more once you put off those stupid personas and just do what you like without worrying about what other people think.
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Don’t go for a theatre degree, get a real degree in something. Yes, you’re doing standup comedy right now and you feel theatre training would help, I’ll compromise with you, take a few courses in it, you’ll enjoy them! But for heaven’s sake, don’t major in it! You know and I know that isn’t your calling and you can’t get a job in it! Try something else! The world is your oyster! Hey in fact, you’re in university now so this must be the early 1990s, right? You just discovered how to make web pages and enjoy doing that, right? Follow that course, trust me, getting in on that early will do a world of good, you’ll be kicking yourself later when everyone else has this same idea years later.
3A. What do you mean I only have three, some guy name Taomist gave me this power, so I can obviously use this power to manipulate the original request somehow. BBesides, you need a lot of warnings from the experienced me. Don’t take the standup thing too seriously. Yeah, it’s fun, but don’t go wearing out your welcome in it. And don’t think you’re better than you are, you’ve got a lot of breaks so far, just take a good hard look at it. If you need to reach me you have my email address. What’s email you say? Oh great …
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That one time: Shut up.
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That other time: Shut up.
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And that time: SHUT. UP.
I didn’t learn the concept of “think TWICE before you speak” until my twenties.
1997 - don’t stick it out one more year at the clinic, it will do bad things to you emotionally, put your marriage at risk, and will take a couple years to get over. Start looking for a new job NOW!
2003 - go back to college NOW! Get training in the medical field, you’ll be glad you did in about 5 years, maybe sooner if you can get a new job earlier.
2005 - It will hurt like hell, but park the airplanes more often and start building up the nest egg now, you’ll need it by 2008.
1980 - you will be tempted to ignore your weight gain - “it is just 5 pounds”. You will do this too often and become obese. Don’t do it. Keep your weight under control.
1980 - there is no reason to be afraid of rejection. The hurt passes if she does reject you and if she doesn’t - it might end up being something great.
2003 Your stomach surgeon is a quack and a hack and he will nearly kill you. You need to go to Dr.<insert name of current surgeon>
1992 - Watch your weight. You know you gain weight easily, so it’s easily to keep from gaining than it is to lose it once you’ve gained
1996 - Don’t get married just because he seems objectively like a good catch. Wait for love.
2001 - You hate the heat, don’t even consider moving to Tucson!
1982-1986: high school girls are easier than you think; try a little harder to get laid more
1986-1990: college girls are easier than you think; try a little harder to get laid more
1990: you’re too young to get married, especially seeing as you haven’t really gotten laid much
Freshman year of college: That nice guy that’s a friend-of-a-friend, that you meet at that party in February? He’s not nice. Don’t trust him any further than you could throw him.
Junior year: For the love of all that’s good, stop drooling after that one guy. You don’t believe it right now, but your current BF is wonderful. You’re really being an idiot.
Senior year: Be more reasonable about your future plans for employment.
1993: The student health center is right up the hill. Go there and tell somebody you’re depressed and anxious. Medication will not totally change your personality and make you into a sickening perky person. You’re 18, they can’t tell your parents. Your parents will be cool with it when you do tell them, anyway. Oh, and I know you’re scared, but you’ll do fine in college. Really you will.
1994: That guy Mr. Neville that your physics professor mentioned in class? Go find him and talk to him! Yes, long-distance relationships are somewhat sub-optimal, but they’re not as bad as what you’ll go through relationship-wise if you don’t.
1995: That guy Greg you met? He’s bad news and you will feel bad about this for years.
1996: That guy Alex that Ben wants to set you up with? It will not end well and you will feel bad about this for years.
1997: Getting a job right out of college might be better than grad school. The real world really isn’t as bad as you think it is.
I know I wouldn’t listen to that last one, though. I could have had proof (maybe a DNA test?) that it was my 35-year-old self in front of me telling me not to go to grad school, and I was so scared of the “real world” that I probably would have gone anyway.
2002: Don’t have a big wedding. Just go to the courthouse with him and both sets of parents, and go out for a nice dinner afterward. Then you won’t be having nightmares about having a wedding in 2010. You hate being the center of attention, you hate all this girly stuff, and you like having money in your bank account. You will not enjoy planning or participating in a wedding.
1990ish- Chill out. Don’t take things so personally. Stop being a crybaby. Go out for track, you’ll like it. And for gods sake shower more. You reek.
1997 - Navy Nuke school will suck. Tremendously. But those friends of yours? They don’t help you cope, they make it worse. Stay away. Stay on base. Focus. Its only a year.
2004 - Your friend Anna? The brilliant, funny, beautiful, down to earth girl who loves video games, has a full collection of asimov/heinlein/clarke and is always hanging around? Of course you do. She hangs around for a reason, you dumb shit. Stop assuming she’s too good for you and do something about it, or you’ll find out(too late) how wrong you are.
March 13, 1986: He’s not going to change. Don’t rely on him, and don’t think every man will be like him.
May 5, 1993: Don’t believe him. You won’t have another chance.
September 22, 1995: Go to the hospital. It’s not the flu.
(If I listen in 1986, I likely won’t need the other two warnings).
I was thinking about lots of times when I could have made a better decision (“Take the job with PayPal”). But everything I came up with was, well, character building. I have been fortunate that the worst times didn’t really cut me too much, and they are what made me the person I am today.
That all said, there is one that had long term ramifications:
“Dude, the motorcycle needs to go the shop. The carb is jacked up, and if you take it to dinner you won’t walk right for the rest of your life.”
Then again, that accident led to a discharge from the military. That kept me out of the First Gulf War. So I might just stick with the gimp leg after all.
200x. You got that mod application. Don’t fill it out. You’ll regret it some day,
Rinse, repeat.
Rinse, repeat.
I don’t think I know about the other thread mentioned in the op.
I would not go back and give any warning about anything to myself. The bad stuff as well as the good made me what I am. And I like what I am. I would not even give advice. I learned more from bad times than good times.
Sure she is really hot and way out of your league but she has given you about 1,078 signs that she is a selfish bitch and will cheat on you in a nanosecond. For fucks sake don’t marry her!
Don’t quit the high school football team to go party with your friends instead asshat.
Don’t quit college. It isn’t that hard, you’re just being lazy.
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Don’t start looking at boys who are interested in boobs as a place to find your self-esteem. It’s so far from there, you won’t even realize it exists for another 6-8 years.
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Choose a college, and move to its campus. The next few years that you spend smoking pot and lazing about will not be as fun as you think they are at the time.
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Don’t play Halo with him. He’s got a girlfriend, and once they break up, he’ll never get over her. He’ll also make you feel inferior as long as you speak.
Not as far as I know.
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Cutting out family is not a bad thing … go for it a couple of years earlier and your life will be better
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That guy with the hat … run … it will save you a huge amount of physical and mental pain. No signs of there being anything better in your future so far, but learn quickly that something involving violence is not better than nothing.
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All injuries are permanent, they really can’t make your body as good as it was … be careful!