1: while your parents will NEVER be there for you (he, because you’re female therefore he expects he’ll never be able to understand you; she, because she doesn’t perceive you as a person), other people may, sometimes. Keep on looking for them. Nacho will be one, don’t let him try to turn your home problems into jokes: they are more serious than they look from the outside. Try Vicente too. What’s more: go to Vicente after another teacher tries to grab your ass. You want to make sure that TPTB know your house isn’t peaches and cream.
2: find something to study which involves a public university, preferably not in Barcelona. Yes, it definitely should be far away enough that you can’t go “home” every weekend, otherwise you’ll end up mad(der). You do not want to live with your grandparents.
3: do not let Grandfather alone with either of the bros. If that means going to the bleeping soccer with them, you bloody well go. But don’t let him so much as take the kid to the toilet.
Middle school: if you stab him right in the chest when you have the chance the other bullies will leave you alone. You know the punishment is the same whether you did it or not, may as well given it some meaning.
High school: smack Yes, talking to girls is scary, but if you don’t start practicing now you’ll never get the hang of it! I’m telling you you’re missing out on YEARS of fun by being so painfully shy.
1996: smack Don’t marry her! In fact don’t even talk to her after your best friend breaks up with her.
post-1996: Now that that’s done, don’t feel bad about not living your life up to your full potential; you’re happy and that’s all that matters.
Yes, that was a warning because I actually curtailed some fun because I felt like I wasn’t worth it. It’s totally worth it.
Junior high and high school – do not repeat things that people tell you. They don’t like it and will make things difficult for you.
College and grad school – make more friends than just your boyfriend and his friends. It would be nice in later life to be able to reminisce about these times and you won’t be talking to him (or most of his friends) anymore.
College and grad school – do not worry that you aren’t smart enough, if you want to go to med school really investigate it. The worst that can happen is you don’t get in.
2001: Make sure your parents have flown home before September 11.
(They did, in real life. Fortunately they weren’t stranded at my place for several more days, when we’d already started to get on each other’s nerves.)
1.) Late teens- use SOME of that college savings money for a car & insurance. No matter how well-intentioned your over-protective Dad is, you need to drive & you can’t depend on others for transportation & get where you want in life.
2.) 1983- You lost all that weight mid-way through college- DO WHATEVER YOU MUST TO KEEP IT OFF AND TONE UP TOO, DAMMIT! (Just because you’re 2/3 your former self doesn’t mean you don’t look like a sack of dough!)
3.) 1982- That one home Bible study group you suspect of being a cult but has some interesting insights- Your first instinct is right & they stole their insights from Origen- study him & avoid them.
Sub-ones:
1978-80: That cute girl Lisa in high school. She MAY be interested in you! Marcia definitely is not. Re-adjust your priorities there. Repeat in college & grad school & later in life only with different names.
1980-83: There are plenty of Conservative groups & philosphies that don’t have the tainted reputation of the John Birch Society. The JBS puts out good & interesting materials but you don’t have to join it to read them! And please don’t parrot them about Martin Luther King Jr. or Joe McCarthy!
College years overall: You like Drama, Politics & Psychology but your passion is Theology. Minor in PoliSci & Psych but pursue Theology! And settle down in Evangelical Protestantism w/ a touch of the Charismatic!
1994- Yes, you have credit cards. You may put $5000 into the movie project- no more! Don’t think “My two friends have good jobs & they’ll pay me back.” There is a reason that you have enough credit to finance the whole project and they do not.
Various times in my life- Don’t be such a damn rescuer! Those people just drain time, money & emotional energy! Hang with people who will build you up! Did you learn nothing from all that Ayn Rand you’ve read!
[ol]
[li]Don’t start smoking[/li][li]Since all of her friends are telling you to stay away because she’s crazy, maybe you should listen to them.[/li][li]Don’t worry about looking like a fool; it’ll happen anyway, so just stop worrying about it.[/li][/ol]
Age 9 - don’t go play with your cousin & friends by the canal & pond. Just…don’t.
Age 10 - don’t go to your Aunt’s house when Cousin Warren is the only one there. But if you do, don’t fall asleep on the couch.
Age 23 - Mary’s not going to like you any better if you start smoking.
1983: Don’t obsess about your weight. You are actually dangerously underweight. If you think you are fat now, it will lead to a cycle of binge and purge, starvation diets followed by immediate weight gain, all of which will just end up actually making you overweight, and give you a lifelong battle with your size.
2004: Put insect repellent on before going to the office barbeque. You know how you’ve always had a nasty allergic reaction to bites from midges and mosquitoes? Well, you might not know it, but your next bite on your ankle will turn into a leg ulcer which will have you going to dermatology outpatients twice a week for a year while you baffle every healthcare professional. Oh, and if I can get two warnings for the price of one… see when you go to Mexico in 2009…?
2007: Yes, it’s time you threw his drunken ass out of the house (and out of the marriage). But don’t hurry the legal separation agreement. Get the property valued properly. And don’t, don’t leave in the clause which says that you give up your spousal inheritance rights in the event of death of either party prior to divorce.
1980s (part 1): Maybe you don’t just want to be like or idolize those women you can’t stop thinking about and whose pictures you cut out and keep in a scrapbook. Maybe you really want to have sex with them. Think about it.
1980s (part 2): You know, it’s possible that the reason you don’t feel like God is out there or listening to you is because he doesn’t exist. Think about it, and save yourself a lot of spiritual anguish.
1992: Don’t co-sign on your boyfriend’s car loan. No, really, just don’t. (Oh, and since you apparently missed my note back in the '80s, maybe the reason you don’t love him is because… drumroll… you’re a lesbian. What about that, huh?)
2000: When your best friend begs you not to blow your friendship in order to have one more night of sex with that woman you hardly know and who won’t even call you back later… listen to her.
1985: Look out for that bus! Yeah, you survived, but 10 days in hospital being prodded at by doctors who can’t believe a 7 year old could survive a head-on collision with a double-decker with nothing more than a black eye and mild concussion is NO fun.
1989: Don’t jump in the pool at the corner, because you’ll misjudge the distance and hit the other side rather than the water…yeah. Ouch.
2009: Watch your step! It’ll heal, but nonetheless your face looks a look better when the left-hand side of it hasn’t been dented.
I only need one - life’s been pretty good, and I’d really only change this one thing:
January 12, 2004: Your mother’s going to get in a car accident on her way home. Do everything in your power to delay her from leaving your sister’s house for, oh, an hour or so. Yes, leave work if you have to.