If you don't like it, throw the toy away!

The BBQ Pit
161

well, it seems like it’s all wrapped up here, but my suggestion would be therapy first. there’s obviously a lot of issues that keep you thinking, or wanting, (or both) to be dependent and helpless or whatever. i think if you find the source of why you’re scared to fail, (are you scared you will fail at being independent?) and why you surround yourself with things that keep reinforcing your own negative self beliefs (like a nonsupportive husband), you will probably be able to make changes and decisions more easily.

i would look into the free counseling suggestions that i saw someone say were mentioned to you before. i know going to counseling is a scary thing too… i’ve resisted for many years, but i’m going to start with my appointment tomorrow.

i wonder now, are you afraid of change?

anyways, good luck to you

162

IDBB

So you don’t have anything to say to the people that asked you what the hell you would do if anything happened to your husband?

Nothing to say to the people who gave wondeful suggestions (such as work-study or medical transcribing) about possible work options?

Nothing to say to the people that suggested counseling?

Don’t come on this board asking for sympathy then ignore the people who try to help you. It’s very bad form.

And sugaree, I couldn’t agree more. I can’t tell you how many times I got deeply offended by her whining and her “excuses” for not bettering herself after all of the shit I’ve personally gone through. Blaming it on her generation (the same one I happen to belong to) was my personal favorite.

163

IDBB, finances scare the snot out of me, too. Especially now I’m making a lot less than I was a year ago. Here’s the deal. I’m single, never married, which means that I’ve got to find some way of dealing with them. Part of that is being aware that I usually thing they’re worse than they are, and part of it’s being careful. Since I have never had the privilege of having someone look after me, I’ve learned to look after myself. You can, too.

You talk about how hard school would be. May I point out to you you’ve got one tremendous asset you probably haven’t even thought of? This place. While we may frown on kids asking us to do their homework for them, I’d bet next month’s rent that if you turned up here asking for help with something you were having trouble with in class, I wouldn’t be the only one offering to help you and work with you until you got it.

I understand about being lazy, scared, and utterly helpless. Ten years ago, I got so scared, I tried to check out of life completely. The thing is, you always have choices. If my Wiccan friends have taught me nothing else, they have taught me that.

Consider the Rule of Three – what you put into the world comes back to you three times over. In your terms, you’re putting a lot of negative energy out there. Is it any wonder it’s returning? Wicca acknowledges the existence of power and people’s ability to use it in a way my Christianity doesn’t. You have access to power. USE IT. Picture your life as you would like it to be. Picture yourself doing what it would take to get it there, focussing on realistic steps. Then, do it.

I have read a lot of the things you’ve written. From what I’ve seen of you, you’re not stupid. Indeed, you strike me as being quite strong-willed and competent. Make use of it. When I was 24, I thought I was the biggest screw up on the face of the planet myself. Hell, I was so badly off, I couldn’t get a date, let alone a husband! I was too damn ugly, too damn awkward, and I was too damn stubborn to quit. That last counted for something then for me, and it does for you. You are smarter and stronger than you admit to yourself. Don’t let the bastards get in your way.

You say you’ve never known anyone who successfully worked full time and went to school part time. I don’t know how well you know me, but I did. I was working a full-time job in a manufacturing plant, but I wanted an Associate’s degree in computer science so I could get a job as a programmer. It wasn’t always easy, and there were times when the last thing I wanted to do after working a 9 hour day was go to class, but I did. When I went to college after high school, I also worked part-time while going to school full time, carrying 17 credits a semester the first two years. Again, it wasn’t easy, and but I did emerge with a degree in Japanese. Neither way was easy, but it was worth it.

To paraphrase a song I was tinkering with a few years ago, if you’re life sucks and your lover don’t, you’re the one who must change; don’t blame the world if you don’t. Think about what you want to do. Meditate on it. You don’t have to achieve a perfect zazen meditative state. Just take a few quiet moments, decide if you want to change, then, if the answer’s “Yes”, decide to do it. If that’s the case, I’m here for you. Either way, your choice is your responsibility, not the world’s, not ours.

CJ
Believe it or not, I really am the former cjhoworth.

164

I was going to come in here and write about my father’s sudden death. How my mother didn’t know how to write a check, and didn’t know how to drive a car. How she was left with nothing but 5 kids to take care of. How she lost the life insurance because she didn’t even know she needed to pay the premiums.

But I know it wouldn’t do any good. She has to be the victim. That’s her identity and she doen’t want to change it.

165

babs, I was thinking your place sounded good :smiley:

I’ll probably post a thread next week, or bump yours. Gotta figure something out, with such beautiful weather we may just have a BBQ or something.

Enjoy,
Steven

166

That would be no problem at all.
So long as the gang doesn’t mind the trek to Ft Worth.

167

Well, one positive result of this thread is that it has served to reaffirm my commitment to finishing my Master’s degree and continuing on to my new career path.

I would also urge IDBB to read Cecil’s column this week because it has a special application to her.

168

Good for you gobear!

It’s also made my desire to excell in law school even stronger than it was before, if that’s even possible. :smiley:

169

Damn, my response posted before I could finish. That’s certainly a rarity on this board.

I was gonna ask, gobear, what is your masters going to be in?

170

Information Management

171

What’s that?

And as soon as I can, I’m going for my Masters. (History, natch).

Hell, I don’t even give a shit about the degree-I just want to go back to school, I love it that much.

172

I love History too, Guin.

Have you ever read “The People’s History of America” by Howard Zinn? It’s awesome.

173

Good for you, gobear, and you too Guin.

Just for a little background, mine’s in Mech. Eng.

I’m assuming that you guys will be doing it the same way I did, work during the day, school at night.

It’s hell. Scheduling lab time is next to impossible, your advisor is never on campus when you are, and you don’t get to sleep. Ever. You’ll start to agonize over your grades again, because you’ll want to go back for a PhD at some point and the school will have some rule about gratuation and further education. In my case, it was 3.0 or better to graduate, and 3.5 or better to get into the doctoral program without a canditacy exam. I made the first one with ease, blew the scond one. I’m an idiot.

It’s still worth it. Hit it, guys. Just hit it. I’m still amazed at how much I learned.

If you are anything like me, though, you need to steer clear of variational calculus. It kicked my ass.

174

Cool. As along as people are boasting about degrees…mine is in English, focusing on technical writing. Worked from 5:30 - 1:30, and took evening classes. Definitely fun, and definitely worth it. Although I felt like I needed a passport when I travelled from business to academia, and finding advisors and scheduling group study sessions were difficult. Managed to combine my schoolwork and work at work a few times - a win/win situation.

175

Ironically enough. Were we not talking, in the beginning of this Op about self-indulgent, narcissistic customers who really make your life a living hell at work? If I recall the gist, people were ticking you off because they wanted special treatment (toys), special attention (complaints about the food) and did not respect what you told them (remove kids from counter).

Now, after reading this entire exchange, I have realized that you want special treatment (good job without education, or spending for the education), special attention (people constantly showering you with advice that you make excuses for, but keep on requesting) and you ignore everything people say with an amazing excuse.

IMHO, you are getting the reactions from customers that you so richly deserve.

I was once a food service employed, uneducated, young person. But my hardwork, wherever I was employed, got me promoted. I advanced myself in every way possible, education and promotion, and although I am not ultra-rich, I have done pretty well.

If you want nothing more than mediocrity, or if you throw up a bunch of excuses, you will receive in return only mediocrity.

Finally, IMHO, IDBB simply wants attention… desperately. I have witnessed the personality many times. They will even put themselves down to advance the attention to the level where people are constantly giving them advice because this is what they desire most. All of you are feeding into it.

“Mr. Lissa”

P.S. Good luck IDBB.

176

Wow, “Mr. Lissa” that was very insightful. I had never thought of it that way (from the bitchy customer point of view). Very true though. And whoever said that you get back the energy you put out in the world is so, so right. If you’re negative all the time, you’re going to be submerged in negativity. If you think you’re a failure, or dumb, then you will be one. Self fullfilling propecy and all that. And if you insist on acting like your life is some sort of country song (I’m from the school of hard knocks?? My eyes didn’t stop rolling for about 20 minutes after that one) your life will become some sort of country song.

You get out what you put in. Not one person here said anything was easy, but every last one said that they’re glad they did it. That should say something.

177

Just a thought: everyone wants IDBB to improve herself, get a better job, become less dependent, etc. And I think you’re right. But you’ve got to remember that everyone’s tolerance for risk (of failure, in this case) differs.

Taking ‘just one college’ course might seem like a reasonable baby step to you, but still be more than IDBB can do.

IDBB, here’s my suggestion for you: Going by your posts, you are a reasonably literate person AND you have at least some typing skills. Can you type well enough/fast enough to do secretarial work? It’s not generally a shining career path, but it usually pays better than fast food work, you should get better benefits, and instead of a never ending stream of people to cope with you will only have a few on-going ones.

If you don’t type well-enough yet, how about taking a typing course? IF, as some people are assuming, your husband objects to the idea of your working towards a college degree because you might ‘surpass’ him, it’s likely he wouldn’t react to a typing class in the same way – typing is just an ordinary skill, one that you can acquire in just a few months and that will help you bring in more money for the household.

Check into signing up with temp agencies, even before you master typing. There is a constant demand for people to file, or stuff envelopes or whatever for short term projects. Again, the work is boring, but it won’t have the aggravation level of dealing with the general public. And you won’t go home smelling of hamburger grease. :wink:

And once you’re doing secretarial work, bringing in a little more money and feeling better about yourself – then maybe you’ll find you can tackle a slightly bigger baby step next time.

Good luck!

178

Good ideas, Starving but Strong. Unfortunately, there’s already been a thread where posters encouraged IDBB, who was unemployed at the time, to look into temp agencies.

She had plenty of excuses not to do so.

179

Ah yes, the 'ol “I’m not gonna pimp myself out” excuse. :rolleyes:

180

Well, in my case, ‘pimping myself out’ allowed me to work a temp job for three months and get hired on permanently at a decent pay rate (starting on Monday! Yay me!), which will allow me to pay down at least half of my outrageous credit card debt by December, start graduate school in January to get my teaching certification, pay down the rest of my debt by the following June (keeping my job while I attend school at night for the first semester and a half), and finish school with NO debt except for my student loans, which will be around 10K, but I plan to pay those off in my first year of teaching since SO - who will be DH by then - and I plan on living simply until my loans are paid off. (Yes, I know, serious run-on sentence). ‘Pimping’ oneself can lead to a great opportunity - but I’m sure IDBB won’t see it that way:rolleyes: . I remember that thread - quite insulting to those of us who work our asses off in our temp jobs so that we can get somewhere.

By the way, Guin, if I’d had my druthers, I’d have gotten my degree in history instead of music as an undergrad - one of my history professors gave me back a test one day, asking me if I was a history major (I was the only person in the class to get an A on the test). When I said no, he said I should have been - and he was right - history has always been my favorite academic subject - but I had music major scholarships that paid for school and I couldn’t get through school without them. I’m extremely jealous that you’re going back to get your Master’s in History:). Maybe someday…I can go back and get a second Bachelor’s in it. In the meantime, I’ll live vicariously through others. Good luck to you going back - I’m like you, I LOVE being in school. I can’t wait to go back in January.

Ava