I do not believe I have any irrational fears, but I have a brother-in-law and a niece who do. They seem to perceive their fears differently. I’ll try to explain and invite you to share your experiences and opinions.
BIL is terrified of dogs. He never was bitten by a dog or anything, but if he and my sister are out walking and someone is coming towards them with a dog on a leash, he’ll have them cross the street or turn around. He describes dogs’ behavior as “lunging” at him, and will call it a success when he encounters a dog and it “didn’t even bite me.” Even when he was near a goofy golden retriever puppy that ignored him. And he is highly critical of dog owners for failing to control their dogs in some ways other than what most folk would think just fine or wouldn’t even notice.
His daughter is very uncomfortable in elevators and at heights. But she feels it is entirely her problem, and something she has to deal with as best she can. She somewhat gets mad at herself for having such difficulty.
Not sure if I’m explaining this well, but BIL seems to think and act as though his irrational perceptions are “correct” and should be recognized - and anticipated - by society in general, while his daughter perceives her perceptions as her own, which she has to deal with.
Just wondering if any of you - whether you have fears or not - have any thoughts or experiences relevant to this apparent continuum.
Who is the “them” ? If it’s the dog owner, BIL is out of line - They aren’t obligated to do anything because he’s afraid of dogs. On the other hand, if “them” refers to your sister and BIL, I don’t think he’s making it the world’s problem - he’s maybe making it your sister’s problem, but to some extent, that’s just part of marriage (or really any relationship). There is a point where it becomes seeing it as the world’s problem - for example, trying to get dogs banned from public parks.
The vast majority of the time, I’d say it is a “you” problem. Not just that, but there are so many different phobias a person could have that it’s impossible to expect that the world could accommodate a phobia without even knowing a person’s phobia.
For instance, if someone has a phobia of white T-shirts, how am I supposed to know that I shouldn’t wear a white T-shirt the first time I encounter him? It would require mind-reading. That person might encounter five white T-shirts when walking about in public. And even if he did tell everyone he has a phobia of white T-shirts, I think it would be a breach of my own rights and self-autonomy to be told I can’t wear a white T-shirt because he’s scared of them.
The OP’s BIL seems to have some sort of center-of-the-universe attitude mixed in with phobia, where everything is interpreted through his lens and his lens only.
I disagree First, they need to keep the dog in control. Second, if I say I don’t want to pet your dog, don’t continue to bring it to me because, “Don’t worry. He’s friendly.”
We live out in the country. Our dogs are often out loose, exploring our property and surrounding woods. They have perfect recall; if I yell for them they come running back.
There is a right-of-way along one edge of our property for the gas company to access a well. A few years ago someone from the gas company approached me, explaining that one of their workers had a dog phobia. He requested we keep our dogs indoors.
I replied, “no”, and then I walked away. Our dogs stay on our property. They have never approached a neighbor or stranger. Their employee’s fear was their problem, not mine.
Actually, they need to do those things whether he’s afraid of dogs or not. But I was referring to the line in the OP
he’ll have them cross the street or turn around.
It doesn’t say the other person is bringing the dog to the BIL, just that they are coming toward him. Like he’s walking north and they are walking south. If he’s afraid of dogs, he should cross the street or turn back and the dog owner is not obligated to cross the street or turn around.
The OP said the dogs are on a leash (and presumably under control). No dog owner is forcing their dog on anyone here.
To the OP I think it is good to be aware of your phobias and work to control them like the niece does. I think it is the BiL in this that has a bigger problem. He need not embrace dogs and can stay away from them but has to know it’s him and not the dogs or dog owners.
I seem to have fear or anxiety, and near panic about dozens of things.
I think it’s mostly a me thing.
But, sometimes it’s a thing I can’t avoid. I tend to blame some non-human thing for that.
Then there’s the things that are foisted upon me. If it’s you that’s doing it, I might lash out. Not very harshly, just my pushback.
ETA…I have no fear of animals. Never have. I have more fear of people who dogs dislike or people who won’t try to at least just ignore dogs if they’d rather not engage with them.
Apologies for the poor phrasing. Yes, BIL will have his wife and him change their route - but he will also say things indicating that he feels he is being inconvenienced by people and their dogs.
That is another good example. He will comment disapprovingly about dogs in fenced yards, not to mention off leash in parks (whether or not the dog ignores him. I readily acknowledge, off leash is illegal.) Sidenote - a fear such as his is one of many reasons I disfavor invisible fences.
I guess when he says things like, “the dog lunged at me”, I wonder how he defines “lunge.” For example, we have a dopey goldendoodle. When we are eating meals, occasionally he will get under the table, he will make contact with someone’s leg. He doesn’t place his head in anyone’s lap or beg for food. Just bump into a leg. I understand that that might momentarily startle someone who does not have a dog. My BIL will jump as though he had been attacked by a shark, describes such action as our dog “lunging” at him, and will say, “but he didn’t bite me or anything” - seemingly to suggest how brave BIL was and how well BIL handled the situation.
BIL has instructed us that he doesn’t want us to confine or dog or do anything differently. Instead, he will state that he does not have any problem with dogs.
Dog owners need to know their dogs well and keep them under control. Off-leash dogs who run to people are a real problem. Even if the dog is friendly not all people will be ok with that. BiL is fine to be upset if a dog runs up to him. Where I live dogs have to be on a leash in public except in a dog park.
And no dog owner should be forcing their dog on someone while on the street. Maybe it happens but I’ve never seen it. If you are in their house then maybe.
This is well phrased. When he encounters a dog owner doing something that (I think) nearly all of us would interpret as responsible and legal dog ownership - such as walking a well behaved dog on a short leash, BIL will act/say as though the dog owner ought to be doing something differently. And he speaks as though his belief is entirely rational.
From the title only I thought this was going to be more about the irrational fears driving recent politics.
To which I was going to reply:
One person’s irrational fear is 100% their problem. Millions of people’s shared collective fears are the world’s problem.
Which still sorta fits the actual OP.
As to the actual substance of the OP:
IMO, as said by many above, BIL sure expects a lot of other people, and strangers to boot, to go out of their way to accommodate him. Screw that noise.
I have no fear of dogs. But I think the current mania for much of the urban / suburban populace to not only own a dog(s) but bring it with them everywhere and expect all the other humans to accommodate to that is … a really lousy situation. But I realize that battle is lost for a decade or two before the fad runs out and the populace returns to their senses.
I think there is a middle ground that might work better for most people.
At least here in Hawai’i, getting a lot of routine services/repairs is challenging because the demand far outstrips supply. So workers have a lot more power in scheduling, pricing, and so on. Occasionally, when making an appointment for services, I’ll get a question in advance - “do you have a dog?”
Since my answer is “no,” that’s the end of the conversation. But I assume that if I said “yes,” there would be negotiation prior to the visit as to whether the dog would be on the loose. I suppose I would be free to refuse to take steps to ensure that the worker felt comfortable that the dog would not be able to approach. But the worker would also be free to say, “nope, in that case I don’t want your business.”
My ex had a serious snake phobia. She would go into a hysterical panic if she even saw one on TV. She didn’t like going on walks outside because she might run into a harmless garter snake. Where we lived at the time there were no poisonous snakes, so nothing to really fear. She’s had this phobia her entire life. When I suggested she talk to someone who could gradually desensitize her she would say no, turn, and walk away. End of discussion.
I know that many people fear snakes, and some people say it’s innate, even though most of us can overcome our childhood fear. But she has a completely irrational fear, and while she would blame someone for even talking about snakes I never saw it as the world’s problem. I had a six-foot boa constrictor in high school and college, but my ex wouldn’t let me ever talk about it with friends.
I don’t know if you would call it forcing but many dog owners let their leashed dog run up to someone for pets. I consider it forcing if you ask them to keep their dog back and they don’t.
Use of the phrase “the world’s” problem in OP was imprecise, but I didn’t try to come up with a perfect term. Not sure how best to describe the different perceptions of “something I have to deal with” versus “something other people ought to take care of by doing something dfferently even though there is no way they could know of my extreme fear.”
IME, the courtesy of dog owners can generally be predicted as an inverse to the length of the leash. With some exceptions, it is a pretty workable assumption that someone walking a dog on a fully extended retractable leash is a clueless idiot and their dog is poorly trained/behaved. And when their dog DOES lunge at or bark at someone, they either show ZERO reaction, or act as though that is the FIRST TIME that ever happened.
But we probably ought not hijack too far into dog walking etiquette.
How do I report this blatant hijack? I’d expect an ex-pilot would be more sensitive to hijacking! So, you want yet another Trump/election thread?
Fearing alien shape shifters is irrational. Greatly fearing dogs, snakes, heights and the like is fear disproportionate to the actual danger, and definitely a ‘you’ problem. Fearful things that affect many people’s lives are a ‘world’ problem. Take care of yourself and don’t count on fixes from the world.
@Saint_Cad , is this just a debate for you or do you fear dogs?
Most doggy people have no problem with a friendly dog galooping up for pets.
My dogs have always ran the property, at will.
That’s not gonna change.
I suggest to people who come here, that’s how it is.
In all the years we’ve been here one person took their irrationally fearful 3yo away. Because a completely submissive Beagle was laying on the deck.
I apologized. I did not offer to remove the dog.
Said “bye-bye” when they left.
