If you were a parent (or if you ARE a parent), which would disturb you more?

In My Humble Opinion
1

In an effort not to hijack this thread, I have started this one to ask:

If you had (or have, or will have) a teenage kid, which would bother you more:

a) drinking

b) mild drug use (like pot or 'shrooms–no crack or heroin)

c) sex

The assumption, of course, is that your kid is engaging in such activities. You may also assume the task of providing a “safe” enviroment in which your kid can engage in such activities (i.e., making sure there’s no drinking & driving, or making sure there’s condom use going on).

I ask because I have one friend (a new parent and former teacher) who thinks it’s OK for kids of a certain age (older than 15) to be experimenting with sex, learning about their bodies, etc. She does NOT, however, condone drinking or drug use at all. (She doesn’t drink herself, though I don’t know if that has anything to do with it.) She says it serves no purpose, and cannot be construed (sp?) as a “learning experience”.

Friend #2 (no kids yet) feels the opposite; she figures that late adolescence (and the college years) are when kids are sort of allowed to experiment with controlled substances (and, she reasons, she “experimented” enough that she would be a complete hypocrite if she told her kids not to do it). However, she would NOT be OK with the idea of her kids having sex at such an early age (though, oddly, she is even MORE disturbed at the idea of her hypothetical daughter getting fingered in the back of a camaro than she is at the idea of the girl engaging in full-on booty).

I don’t have kids and don’t plan to (at least not anytime soon), but I find both of these arguments interesting. If I had to choose, I think I’d be more inclined (as a parent) to give my kid a condom and turn up the TV volume as he/she tipped off into the bedroom with his/her SO than I would be to hand him/her a beer and a bong and shuttle him/her off into the basement…

Overall, I’d like to think I’d be the kind of parent who would be able to take either one in stride (though I have never particularly enjoyed smoking pot, so I don’t know that I’d be able to relate to that one), as long as the kid wasn’t TOO young, and as long as there was some exercise of moderation and responsibility.

But what the hell do I know? All I’ve got’s three dogs and two rats. I hardly qualify.

2

Well, being a parent of two teenagers who have done/tried all three, to my eternal dismay and shame, I am in a good position to rank them this way, from worst to least worst: Drugs, Booze, Sex.

Drugs, because of the illegality, uselessness, expense, addictiveness, company you keep, and the way it keeps you from accomplishing anything…why study when you can get high? Why get a job…a life…an education…clean your room?

Booze, because of all of the above, plus the alcoholic father (theirs) but the only redeeming feature is after age 21 it is at
least semi-legal

Sex, because even though the repercussions can be life-long and life-threatening, most kids don’t drop out of school/life because they had sex. They generally won’t end up in jail because they had too much sex and then went driving. They don’t get denied a job because they’ve had sex in the last month. In most cases it’s not so addicting that they can’t get through the day without it.

Me, I was a good kid. Never smoked, drank, did drugs…and it took years to get through the experimentation stage to actual sex

3

Of course, since I birthed the Perfect Child[sup]TM[/sup] and she has assured me that she’ll never do Bad Things[sup]TM[/sup], this is a bit difficult for me to address. But I think for me, the worst for me to accept would be drug use.

By the time I was her age, I’d tried wine and a couple of very dilute mixed drinks. I was also a bit of a prude, but I did my share of groping in my youth. But I was never even curious about experiencing pot or any other drug. I only tried cigarettes once and that made me ill.

But, like I said, she’d never do anything bad. Really! lalalalalalalala I can’t hear you lalalalalalalalalala

4

Very good points, kittenblue… does the gender of the child in question have any bearing on your feelings? I mean, if your SON has sex, he won’t have to worry about getting pregnant…

5

I’ve been waiting for your input, FCM! :smiley:

My own mother says that because she was a good kid, and didn’t ever get into much in the way of Debaucherous Activity[sup]TM[/sup], she never worried about her kids engaging in such activity.

Perhaps not the wisest of attitudes, but in her case it was…

…mostly true.

However, her definition of Bad Things differs a little from mine. I mean, as far as I’m concerned, I was pretty straight-laced as a kid. However, my whole family considers me the Wild Child[sup]TM[/sup] because I:

a) Don’t go to church

b) Don’t wear a bra

c) Drink (at age 32), and

d) Don’t see anything wrong with Sex Before Marriage.

Not to mention that I once mentioned something off-hand about blow jobs to my mother, and she’s been looking askance at me ever since!

She recently found out that my sister (who is 40) had sex with TWO (count 'em, two) other men before she married her husband two years ago, and remarked “I didn’t know my daughter got around that much!”

Oh, yeah. I’m in trouble. :wink:

6

Least to worst:

Drugs, Sex, Booze

I think pot use is WAAAAY less dangerous than drinking. Some kids get rather uninspired from it, but it’s not as bad as drinking (and driving…and crashing). I don’t think sex is as bad as drinking because if the kids are well-informed, it doesn’t have to be a negative experience. They can stay healthy and not pregnant. But I wouldn’t condone any of these activities at 15 years old…I would have various levels of FREAKIN’ OUT but I wouldn’t say any 15year old is really ready for any of 'em.

7

Before about 16 I think I’d be pretty disturbed by any of those (aside from maybe some mild sexual experimentation.)

After 16 I could live with it if I found out that my kids had tried alcohol or pot (as long as no driving was involved), and I wouldn’t be too bothered by the notion that their sexual experimentation had gotten more, um, experimental (excluding actual intercourse). It would, of course, bother me if they didn’t take precautions. The ability to consistently use birth/disease control precautions is pretty much my definition of when someone is ready to have sex.

My reservations about intercourse are twofold. First, naturally, is the pregnancy issue. Second, I think there is far more potential for serious emotional involvement once things progress to “real” sex. And it would bother me if my children got too involved with someone too early. I hope they have a chance to go off to college or whatever and explore the world a bit first.

After they leave the house, I don’t really have too many illusions of control over what they get up to. I wasn’t a wild kid by any means, but I didn’t wait very long after I got to college to try out “adult” entertainment.

8

auntie em asked:

I’ve got two sons. Fortunately too young to have this be an issue yet (4 1/2 years and almost 7 months). But I assume that my sons would be 1) emotionally and probably physically and financially involved in the decision whether to terminate the pregnancy or put up for adoption (in the sense that it would impact them even without a legal say in the matter), 2) emotionally, physically, and financially involved in the child’s life if the mom carries/keeps it, and in the mother’s life during the pregnancy/recovery/postpartum period. I expect my sons to be MIGHTY worried about getting someone else pregnant - and I’ve known more guys who were concerned with that than guys who would blithely wander off to the next woman if the first was pregnant.

I’m with kittenblue: drugs, booze, sex, in that order, for the same reasons (but with the alcoholism moved up a generation or two, and collateral branches dealing with narcotics and other drug addictions). Oh, and I wasn’t nearly as good growing up… skipped the drugs because of the addiction issues in the family, was very cautious with the booze for the same reason, and instead started on the sex way sooner than I should have (despite knowing the risks). (shakes head at self)

9

Well, what’s likeliest to kill them?

Alcohol is probably the single most destructive drug in the world. Tobacco’s bad for killing you, but at least it usually doesn’t kill you until you’re older. Alcohol can kill you younger and it can destroy your life and kill other people, too.

Sex can kill you too if you’re stupid, but in North American I suspect it kills fewer people than booze. So I vote for alcohol.

I know a lot of my friends in high school who struggled with alcohol. I don’t know any who struggled with pot.

10

I do agree with you, hedra, and would even go as far as to say that a control freak like MY mother would probably rather have a pregnant daughter than an impregnating son, because this way she could have direct involvement in all pregnancy-related decisions (i.e., termination, adoption, or… keeption), and a direct involvement with the raising of her grandchild (which would most likely take place in her home, at her insistence).

However, remember that something as simple as a pregnant belly scooting across the graduation stage, or toodling down the halls at school would be an utter disgrace to some parents (assuming that the belly in question is attached to their daughter). And remember that some parents have kind of a double-standard when it comes to kids having sex; you know, “Boys will be boys, but girls… well, they’ll be sluts.”

Mind you, I don’t agree with either of these attitudes (and am not implying that anyone here does), but I think that for some people, gender is definitely a consideration in terms of how upset they’d be to know that their kid was sexually active.

11

I have to say, RickJay, that when I taught at a summer boarding program a couple of summers ago, I felt much more obligated to intervene if I got inside information that kids were drinking than I did if I got inside info that kids were engaging in sexual activity.

I guess I felt the same way you do about it–I mean, granted, no parent wants a midsummer call saying that their kid is pregnant, or got someone pregnant–but it’s far preferable to a call saying that their kid is dead. So when I knew about kids drinking, I ratted them out. Sex, I let slide. Besides, I never heard about any kids actually having sex. I did get it on pretty good authority that girls were “getting fingered in the woods” (that quote became the catchphrase for the summer among the faculty)… :eek:

12

It really would depend if you are talking about sex" or “sexual experimentation.” I am not a parent at the momment, but my current idea (recognizing that this may well change when it actually becomes relevant) is that I will tell my kids (15+) that messing around is fun, that actual coitus is not really all that huge a deal–it’s an enhancement, not a whole new choir of angels–and that I feel strongly that they should stick to “everything but” until they are at a point where parenthood would be perhaps mistimed, but not a tragedy. Adults can, and do, make mistakes about birthcontrol. I dont think that coitus is worth the risk at that age.

It also depends on whether or not we are talking about sexual partners of about the same age. If I discovered my 15 year old child (male or female) had a sexual relationship with someone in their twenties, I would be very, very concerned. On my experience, adults who establish relationships with children or even older teens are not good people–even if the child is old enough that the word “pedophilia” dosen’t really apply, I think that the balence of power cannot be equitable in that sort of relationship.

So sex is on both ends of my spectrum, really.

There is also a big difference on how the alcohol/drugs are approached. If I found out my 15+ teen was at a friends house with a small group of people she knew well drinking, and she planned to stay all night, I would not be overly concerned. Drinking at a party full of strangers or–worst of all–driving or riding with a drunk–would be grounds for serious action on my part. I more or less lump pot in with alcohol.

Finally, I do not think it is “hypocritical” to tell your kids not do do something that you did. We are supposed to learn from experience, and parents can pass down what they have learned. I mean, an alcoholic telling others that drink isn’t worth the price is not a hypocrite: he’s telling a truth he is in the best position to know. An alcohlic who hides their liqour in the toliet tank and publically critisizes casual drinkers is a hypocrite.

13

Can I just tell you how now not once but TWICE, I’ve blithely stumbled onto this message board, started reading without noticing who authored the thread and then it dawns on me that it’s YOU and you are talking about ME.

It’s freaking me out!

Okay, since you used me as one of your examples, let me explain why I feel the way I do. And again, my list from least to worst:

  1. Booze

  2. Drugs

  3. Sex

Alcohol, like it or not, is a big factor in our society. Sporting events revel in it, nothing like a cocktail before dinner and who doesn’t like a body shot (good way to meld alcohol AND sex together)?

But, if my memory serves me correctly, I and my friends spent an inordinant amount of time trying to obtain alcohol and an equally large chunk of time consuming it in high school. I feel that a big part of the attraction was the fact that we weren’t supposed to have it and it was difficult to obtain. So, my thinking, with my own yet to be created children, is to try to take away not only some of the mystique of ill gotten alcohol but also by making it less of a big deal to drink it, it will in turn not be such a big deal.

So, I’m one of those crazy people who has actually thought about allowing my teenagers to consume alcohol in my home with many caveats placed on the experience - I determine the amount and there will be no leaving the house once the alcohol is consumed.

And just so you know, I’m not talking keggers and shots of tequila. I’m talking beer and the glass of wine with dinner.

Mind you, I haven’t exactly worked out the wrinkle of them having friends over in a social setting and drinking a couple of brews because I’m not certain how those conversations would be broached with the other kid’s parents. But, I don’t have kids so I’ve got at least a decade and a half to figure that piece of the puzzle out.

One of my own anedotal experiences with alcohol comes from my first year at college and colors some of my thinking on this subject. For some kids, this was their first time that they hadn’t been under their parents’ thumb and they went a big wild. Drinking was SUCH a big deal. For someone like myself, there was a bit of a rush at the thought of using a fake id but as far as actually consuming a beer, I had a kind of been there, done that attitude about it.

My parents recently hosted an exchange student from the Netherlands. And while the kid enjoyed drinking a beer, he was completely confounded by the other high school students who were so obsessed with the stuff - precisely because, unlike him, they couldn’t and hadn’t had it. So when they could or did, it was like a bachanialian orgy of excess.

And I’m not going become my kid’s dealer or pusher but pot, to me, is even less of an issue than alcohol. I want to be open and honest with my kids of what drugs I have tried, what I liked, what I didn’t, etc. I’m not exactly going to say “go, be free and toke up” but I’m also not going to try to convince them that the afternoon special where Helen Hunt jumped through a glass window and started slicing her wrists with the shards all because she was whacked out on pcp or something is a true representation of what it’s like being high.

As far as sex goes, my hestation with the idea of my kids having sex has much more to do with the emotial maturity that I feel needs to be present in order to have a relationship with someone (and I’m automatically assuming that there will indeed be a relationship) and the reprocussions from the actual act itself.

I lost my virginty when I was 16. While it was all in all a good experience for me, I can most defintely say, on an emotional level, I was not ready to have sex with someone. Yeah, while all the parts are in place and slot a can fit into tab b, I don’t think any teenager possesses the emotional wherewithall to be engaging in sex. And I’m afraid that they will do it for all the wrong reasons - to make him like me, because everyone else is, etc. Get drunk because all your friends are or because your boyfriend wants you to and at worst, you’ll probably just end up with your head over a toilet puking and a bad hangover the next day. Have sex because all your friends are or because your boyfriend wants you to and and at worst, you could have an unplanned pregnacy, an abortion or an STD.

Luckily, the guy I first had sex with was a good guy. But I can only imagine if he’d been an ass and ran around the school telling people I was a slut or if he’d only been interested in me until I put out. I would’ve been emotionally devastated and it would’ve had a huge impact on my future relationships. Not to mention if I had gotten pregnant. I would’ve been forced to tell my parents because I would’ve needed their permission to have an abortion.

My own feeling is that there is plenty of time to later on to get laid and get involved with someone. And I do indeed think that this has to do with my overall theme of “dabbling” and “experimenting”. Dabble in some ganja, get high, have a couple of beers but just neck, fool around and don’t go too far with the sex thing because in order for me (mom) to feel comfortable with you (kid) doing that, I need to think that you are emotionally attached and emotionally ready to have a committed, emotionally stable relationship with someone in order to have sex with them and no one should really be getting THAT attached at 16.

And heaven forbid if you get fingered in the back of a station wagon (it’s station wagon!).

14

I have one of each, so the fear of early grandmotherhood is equally balanced…but no, it doesn’t seem to matter. Either way, they are faced with either having to be party to a tremendously emotional decision while their brains are still mush, or beginning a lifetime of parenthood/child support while they are still receiving parenting/child support. The only benefit would be the added contact with a grandchild if my daughter were the mommy-to-be.

Right now my bigger fear is STD’s. My son so appreciates my impromptu lectures while driving him to school…“now when you get home, run a load of laundry, be sure to get to driver’s ed on time, and remember this for the future: wear a condom everytime.” Freaks him out.

15

I think the question is missing some details. For instance, while I wouldn’t care for my kid to be doing “casual” drugs, I’d be more worried if he was doing heavy drinking. But if it was marijuana vs. a can of beer, then the marijuana would be a bigger concern.

16

Well, trishdish, at least I know now that when I haven’t heard from you for a week, and am wondering if you’re alive, all I have to do is come here and say “I have this friend…” and your little Vulcan powers will bring you out of hiding! :smiley:

And kittenblue, next time you give him the condom lecture, tell your son that the true mark of adulthood will be when you start begging him to make children (which will be no more comfortable for him, I assure you)!

I recently went back on The Pill, and my mother is upset about it! Never thought I’d see the day…:wink:

17

(chris rock voice)
Two! Two! I guess that’s how you were raised!
(chris rock voice off)
I think the issue is related to amounts. Having sex with every guy on the basketball team is bad. Blowing your boyfriend on prom night is ‘normal.’ Spending every weekend getting so drunk you puke is bad; having a beer or two to see what it’s like is normal.

18

Oh. I told my daughter the true mark of adulthood is cleaning out the sink stainer and touching raw chicken without rubber gloves. no wonder I have problem children.

19

Hey, I was in Canada trying to score some weed and now I have this baby shower to host! :stuck_out_tongue:

I heard they found your body in the woods! :eek:

20

Yes, but unfortunately I was not getting fingered…