“Bit of a headscratcher in the 6th round, as the Giants select unknown Jackmanni, who not only has never played organized football but is old enough to be the grandfather of most of his teammates. Contacted by a reporter about his selection, Jackmannii said “Get the f__k out of here” and hung up. Sources say the Giants like Jackmannii’s hand size and Wonderlic score. With his background in collegiate soccer, he could potentially replace the Giants perfectly adequate kicker for far less money. He projects as an early cut.”
"Strange selection by the Colts in round 6; they already projected to have a poor draft because they lacked a first-round selection, and they burned their last pick on what can only be considered a charity case in ekedolphin. He ran cross-country in seventh grade, and that was the extent of his athletic career. For the last seven years, he’s been doing nothing of note but gaining weight while sitting on his couch and typing on his laptop, aside from the concomitant exercise that comes with shopping for groceries.
"He’s heavy enough to be a linebacker, albeit one that’s very short by NFL standards, but lacks the athletic ability and football experience necessary to be a good one.
“On the other hand, he has a magnificent singing voice.”
“Wow, Ryan Poles takes another project in the middle of the 5th. Big Ten prospect and hometown ‘kid’ Omni has prototypical height and weight to be a thumper in the middle of the Bears defense as a backup to Roquan Smith. Perhaps not the prototypical shape however. The strength and conditioning coaches will have their work cut out for them.
The Illinois High School Safety and Tight End has bulked up considerably so now projects as a run stuffing MLB whose hip stiffness and hash mark to hash mark range will limit his effectiveness in coverage. And in pursuit. And in getting in and out of the huddle.
The new Bears GM continues to buck conventional wisdom by ignoring age and a lack of college production when sending in his picks. Omni will fit right in with the other redshirt Seniors and Graduate students that comprise the 2022 rookie class at Halas Hall.”
“Eleven people have just been fired from the Baltimore Ravens’ management team and coaching staff for pissing away a perfectly good draft pick for no apparent reason.”
Analysts are baffled by the selection of Velocity, a 5-8, 145-pound who has a 6.2 in the 40-yard dash, a history of neck and lumbar problems, unable to bench-press 70 pounds. At the age of 34, he is also old by rookie standards.
The Cowboys announce that they intend to use Velocity on special teams as the guy who will wave his hand to signal fair catch for the other dude who will actually field the kick.
In other news, Jerry Jones’ failure to take Randy Moss in 1998 or Tom Brady in 2000 suddenly is no longer the worst Cowboys drafting decision of all time.
“The Green Bay Packers have made NFL history, by drafting the oldest player in the history of the common draft. @kenobi_65 , a 57-year-older from the University of Wisconsin, has not played organized football since 1979, but Green Bay scouts are ‘impressed’ by his kicking skills, being reasonably accurate out to as far as 25 yards.”
"NFL analysts are baffled at the Cowboys’ choice in the 9th round of @bump. He’s a decent enough deep-snapper, or at least was in 1991, but he’s also 49 years old, has two bad knees, and is generally woefully out of shape.
However, he’s ecstatic to make the league minimum salary, so presumably he has motivation."
The Miami Dolphins have made NFL history, by drafting the oldest play since the Packers grabbed @kenobi_65 with the prior pick.
Mustard, who was a perennial all-star in his neighborhood 50 years ago, seems to have let himself go. We expect that he will be most useful to the team administering Covid vaccines, keeping the locker room bulletin board organized, and representing the Dolphins if the NFL ever launches a league trivia night.
Widespread rumors abound that Bill Belichick was the unseen hand behind the Buffalo Bills’ otherwise inexplicable decision to draft Little Nemo, an old man with no football experience even at the high school level.
Washington uses its second 7th rounder and final pick on someone named DCnDC. He won a radio call-in contest. We have no other information about this person at all.
“While Atamasama is the same age as Tom Brady, that is the only trait they share. He played football in high school, but the kind where you kick a round black and white ball around. He is terribly out of shape and the tendonitis in his arm often hinders his ability to perform IT work, let alone throw a football.”
“Yet the Seahawks still prefer him over the other QBs in this year’s draft class, and scouts consider him a potential upgrade to those currently signed to their roster. Drew Lock was unavailable for comment, but sources claim he was seen crying in an Applebee’s restroom on Friday.”
The Cleveland Browns outdid the Green Bay Packer’s choice of Kenobi_65, by drafting the even older OldGuy aged 73. He last played organized football in sixth-grade some 60 years ago, though he did say he practiced drop kicking field goals from the 20 yard line in high school with a few friends. He even made a few though there was no defense on the field at the time. So he might be useful if the opponents shank a punt and the Browns manage a fair catch inside the opponents’ thirty yard line.
The Jacksonville Jaguars, having been hit by a little-known, poorly-understood, and never-before-invoked codicil in the Rooney Rule, which states that the team who gets the first first-round pick can be required to pick in the final round a person who has advocated for the abolition of any football more advanced than what’s played by ten-year olds in the street in front of Mikey Muchmore’s house on Avenue B, have scrambled to choose kaylasdad99. Mr. 99 has issued a statement that he claims to have been holding onto since 2003: “Bite me.”
“There has been a small, barely significant trend to draft Australians as punters into the NFL and to be fair, there have been the odd success eg Darren Bennett, Ben Graham, Sav Rocca etc. But Tennessee’s drafting of @penultima_thule with their last pick could only suggest the Titans think all Australian can kick a ball 100 yards off either foot. Not to mention that PT, as he’s affectionately and non-threateningly known, is substantially older than Saverio is. We are inclined to believe that the unfortunate image of PT with a Zimmer frame was apocryphal. Yet being well past his prime could be his singular great selling point … the lone spot on the roster where any allegation made of gross moral turpitude could be dismissed out of hand as fanciful.”
The Atlanta Falcons are said to be in negotiations with their 6th Round pick, @Zakalwe (CP)*. Zakalwe, a 5’6" 200lb prospect, last played football in the park just down from his house about 25 years ago, and has a bum knee is said to be holding out for the ability to telecommute to games with a Boston Dynamics robot - controlled by Zakalwe - playing whatever position they actually put him at. The League office is reportedly considering the idea.