I'm a bad Christian. Please help me.

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’ve decided that I’m not going to give up anything for Lent this year. In the past, I’ve done the good Catholic thing, but found that I didn’t really get any major spiritual benifits from abstaining from chocolate or whatever for forty days. Maybe learned some self-discipline, but that’s about it.

The past few years, I’ve taken to adding something- saying an extra round of prayers each day, going to weekday masses more often, reading Scripture, that sort of thing. That helped more than abstaining.

OK, now to the real subject of my post.

Just of late, I have come to realize that I am a very bitter, angry, resentful Mango. I tend to dwell on past hurts, stew over minor (even unintended) slights, and even become angry over the expectation that someone will hurt/insult/be unpleasant toward me. I try to forgive, but somehow I just can’t seem to let go of all this crap.

So, this year during Lent, I have decided to work on not being so angry. I actually started praying for God to help me with this problem a couple of days after Carnival started. Two days into Lent (I’m Byzantine Catholic, we start a little early), I’m becoming frighteningly aware of being intensely angry over petty little bovine kopros. One of my instructors had e-mailed me to inform me of an upcoming seminar, and when I tried to open the attachment, I got an error message saying the file could damage my computer system. I became very angry with her, even though she did not intend to send me a harmful file. She was trying to give me useful information. But I managed to work myself into a snit over it anyway.

I’ve tried to do things like not expose myself to things that will make me angry (avoid listening to Rush Limbaugh, stuff like that) and reading uplifting literature (C.S. Lewis) in order to try to wash my brain of things that will piss me off. So far, not so good.

Right now, I’m very angry at myself for not being able to let go of my anger.

So, does anyone have any suggestion on how exactly to deal with this problem? I know I’ll probably hear a lot of “you have to let it go”, but that’s more easily said than done. I try, and then I either find myself thinking about the same old crap again, or something new and probably minor comes along, and I catch myself stewing.

As a Christian, I am commanded to love and forgive people who have sinned against/hurt/annoyed/offended me, but even though I try outwardly to at least be civil, if not actually kind or loving, I find that inside I’m doing a slow boil.

Help!

2

You need an outlet. I find it to be a huge release to just ball up my fist and smash something occasionally. Make it something inexpensive. Make it something solid enough to be satisfying, but not so solid that you destroy your hands. A heavy punching bag is good, you can punch it kick it, wear yourself out. It feels good. Don’t drink. If you started with a bad mood, drink makes it even worse. Just smash something.

3

I find it a bit curious that you’re focusing on the anger itself (at least, this is how I’m reading your post). I’ve generally found that the best way to address that sort of issue is not to fixate on the negative stuff, but instead to just try to put more positive stuff into my life–doing good deeds, having fun, etc. If my life is full of positive stuff, there’s not much room left for anger and whatnot.

(Feel free to translate that into Yoda-speak if it’ll make it sound more impressive.)

4

What Hunter said. The best way to forsake the dark side (sorry to get Star Wars on you) is to focus on the bright (or light) side. Turn to positive things and the negative stuff will start to wither away, gradually.

5

You’ve totally gotta listen to this.

This woman was the most pissed off person on the planet for years. She overcame it. Same Spirit that’s in her is in you, too. Worth a shot.

(Blah blah blah, no affiliation with this ministry, etc.)

6

I have found myself in that situation in the past.

What got me through it was realizing what I was ACTUALLY angry about.

In my case I had been hurt badly when I was young and had decided it would NEVER happen to me again. I saw every slight, weather real or simply imagined, as an attack on my person and on my dignity.

After time I realized I would never be free untill I stopped viewing my entire life through the filter of those past experiences. It took time and work, but eventually I was able to look at everyday events and say to myself, “this is not the same person that hurt you before, don’t assume they mean you harm”.

That’s just my experience, but you may want to think about it.

7

NOTE: I am not a shrink, a councelor, a christian, or an especially virtuous person. I’m just a generally “OK” guy who really does mean well.

Hey, you’re also a human being. People get angry, sometimes. It doesn’t make you a bad person—IMO, how one acts on anger is the measure of the man—and it’s probably not healthy to just try and keep it all bottled up tight.

Personally, I use emotional outlets that can’t hurt anyone. Like blowing things up on the computer (there’s little more cathartic than blowing apart simulated Nazis); or by building things. But find what works for you to burn off that excess energy.

Or, if the anger is a serious problem for you and your life, go ahead to try and seek professional help. It’s not a sign of weakness or failure, and it doesn’t mean you’re crazy. At heart, it’s no different from going to a dentist for a toothache.

8

You really aren’t a bad Christian and looking at it that way probably just makes it worse. For some reason this thread reminded me of when I was younger. I would sit in church and think “I have to stop thinking of dirty words in church.” Naturally, you know what happened; every nasty word I knew kept going through my head.

If you want more information on what is involved in truly being a bad Christian email me and I will enlighten you.
:wink: [sup]from personal experience[/sup]

9

I agree this is good advice. It really sounds like you need to find the root cause, as all the small issues and slights are not the cause. I say this, because your response sounds disproportionate to the cause.

You need to first realize it really isn’t these little things that are the cause of your anger. It may help you control it. You also need to find, realize, and attack this root cause. Without doing this you will most likely not find peace.

10

One of the major points of Lent is discipline. Most people think of lenten discipline as some form of denial; it’s in the Ash Wednesday liturgy. But discipline can also be in the form of doing something extra. Over the past few years, I have started moving away from giving up chocolate, alcohol, etc, and moving towards prayer (morning, midday and evening), fasting (sunup to sundown) and a conscious effort to take an honest evaluation of myself. To me, that’s the crux of Lent, that and all of this self-examination is illuminated by God’s merciful and forgiving light.

Vlad/Igor

11

Sometimes people just get into bad moods. I guess it’s brain chemistry or something. Occasionally I go for several days with absolutely everything pissing me off. Then it passes. This may be what’s going on with you.

On the other hand, sometimes you get stuck in a feedback loop in which something annoys you, which causes you to identify with the annoyance, which make you more annoyed (or outraged), and on and on. You get away from what bothered you in the first place, which may have been trivial, and get caught up in the feeling of anger in and of itself.

What to do?

Sometimes simply looking at the anger, and seeing what it feels like, causes it to melt away. Emotions often can’t stand the light of day. You get to the point where you think, “Yeah, I know this feeling. I can deal with it. BFD.”

At other times, there’s a conflict going on in your mind that you aren’t dealing with, and which needs to be identified. This can be hard to do, because you may not want to admit to the cause of the conflict. People often get so hung up on what they think they should be that they refuse to look at who or what they really are. Guilt is not your friend. Try to get past that and look at your situation dispassionately. Talking it out with someone you trust can help a lot, too.

Sometimes these emotions are so powerful that there isn’t much you can do but get away for a while. A vacation can do wonders for your state of mind. I don’t know if it’s the change of scene, or the feeling that where you are on vacation is not your “real life,” but whatever it is, it can break a lot of logjams.

That’s pretty much my toolkit, FWIW.

12

I find that when I get stuck in a particular sin (usually pride or anger) it helps to acknowledge in prayer that my own effort is getting me nowhere. Very Brother Lawrence, Practice of the Presence of God type stuff. I find that I get really badly stuck when I try to haul myself up out of it through my own effort. My prayers (in that situation) tend to be lots of, 'I can’t handle this on my own, God, and thinking about it over and over is making it worse. You promised to help. Please help." plus a lot of Hail Mary’s.

I also think that you might want to try and find out if there’s a root cause to all this anger. I agree with the above posters that it sounds like there’s something else behind all this.
Incidentally, I promised to give up complaining for Lent, because I know that I have problems with a) using complaining to put other people down, and b) fear that something is going to go wrong, and that being a crepehanger sort of prevents it. Oh, also c) wanting to wallow in self-pity.

So I’m trying not to do it, and praying for healing and grace. It’s not easy. That’s part of the ‘spiritual discipline’ thing. Good on you for choosing that for Lent. Your’re (in my opinion) doing exactly the right sort of spiritual housecleaning.

13

Thanks everyone.

I think that if I do a bit of cherry-picking from each post here, I think I can put together a custom-fit way of dealing with my problem.

I think a big part of it is I have been burned a lot in the past- from a stepfather who would punish me for my half-sister’s misdoings to an abusive ex-boyfriend to being fired from several jobs in the past few years where my cow orkers whose job performance wasn’t nearly as good as mine and who were pissy towards customers and coworkers alike retained their jobs or even got promoted. I think I have just come to perceive Life as completely and inherently unfair, and it really just frosts my ovarios.

Then again, ruminating over it like some stupid bovine chewing her cud isn’t going to make the world a better place, and it’s preventing me from making fifty-four cubic feet of it better.

14

My suggestion for you isn’t going to be easy. But it does work for me, some. Not always, but some.

Work on forgiveness.

Prayer, and cataloging the wrongs done to you, and then honestly trying to say - I forgive this person for doing that. The last part is hardest for me. It works sometimes, but it’s not an easy process.

I don’t mean to wallow in your reaction to the wrongs - but simply, as honestly as you can, list them. Don’t think about how they make you feel. In order to forgive, I find that one has to first accept that there is a legitimate complaint. Not a ‘This made me so mad,’ but ‘That was a really shitty thing that was done (to me).’ Until you first acknowledge what happened, and that it was a tresspass against you, you can’t even begin to work on forgiveness. And, for me, without forgiveness anger just festers.

And, sounds to me, too, like you’re using Lent in a completely appropriate way.

15

I had an issue with anger at my mother. She’d said and done something very hurtful to me, and I couldn’t let it go. I prayed, I’d tried, but it was always there. Finally I went to Confession and talked about it with my priest. He listened and gave me permission to be angry. He asked if I wished her ill (I didn’t) and told me that relationships change, and that even if I no longer had quite the same relationship with her, as long as I continued to try to to accept her, it wasn’t sinful. Just talking it over and receiving absolution helped a great deal. It took a while, but I now have a comfortable relationship with my mother.

My reccomendation? Go to Confession, if you’re Catholic. Learn to forgive yourself. Try to improve yourself, but understand you’re human and you’ll have failings. Hopefully, by forgiving yourself you’ll slowly let go and you’ll find yourself having fewer episodes of unwarrented anger. Good luck. I’ll pray for your Lentan journey.

StG

16

May I just say how much I enjoy seeing intelligent people discuss their religion? I’m not a religionist myself, neither are most of my friends, and my family are midwestern Lutherans, so they don’t talk about much of it, either. So, what do I see? At best, debates about religion, ranging from the sterile to the bloody . . . At worst, the latest outrage committed in the name of God, the most ridiculous raving loonie websites, etc. That gives me a rather jaundiced view of theists, I’m afraid. It does me good to see thoughtful, gentle persons discussing the role that religion plays in their lives.

17

I don’t think I’m saying anything original, but when I get cranky and bitter and depressed I go to my room, shut the door, and listen to some music. I meditate, I go for a walk outside, I play with the dog. Sometimes a distraction is all you need.

When the anger is more deep-seated and long-lasting than that, writing works. So does speaking into a tape recorder, if you have one, and tossing away the tape. It helps to get it all out, express your feelings privately–that way you’ve sublimated the anger and bitterness, and you haven’t hurt anyone in the process.

FWIW. I hope it helps :slight_smile:

18

I second this. Is it possible to take up a ceramics class? Let me tell you, there is NOTHING like working out one’s frustrations by beating the living shit out of a big lump of clay.

Another method I use is when I’m really at my breaking point-anger, frustration, depression, is that I go and take a long hot shower and just cry my eyeballs out until I’m exhausted. Usually this only happens every other month or so (mostly during my period!), but it’s very cathartic.

See, we can’t always “let it go”, sometimes, we have to let it OUT.
Finally, and this may sound weird, but what are your eating and/or sleeping patterns like? My sister, for example, is an absolute cranky bitch from hell if she hasn’t gotten enough sleep. Low-blood sugar can also affect your moods.

19

A few years ago, I was struggling with some jealousy. Everytime I felt those feelings start to crop up, I paused whatever I was doing and said, “Lord, please help me quell this jealousy.” Sometimes just once, sometimes it became like a mantra I was repeating it so many times.

It didn’t happen right away, but eventually I started noticing that the jealous feelings were less intense and less frequent. Then one day I realized I hadn’t had to pray that prayer in several weeks.

Now, if I were you I wouldn’t just take my prayer, replace “jealousy” with “anger” and hope it works. You need to find a prayer that resonates true for you. The word “quell” was perfect for me, but you may need to use something else like “conquer” or “defeat”. Or you may just need to ask God to show you exactly what the cause is in order for you to beat it.

Anyway, good luck to you and YMMV. Just remember that through God you can defeat this.

20

Hmm, some very insightful thoughts on this thread, which have been helpfull to me in wrestling with a nasty vindictive streak.

I does seem like you have some strong reasons to be angry in your past life. I have also personally often found that anger one tries to repress about something often comes back out about something else, and manages to hurt the ones you love in the process :frowning:
I think there would be some value in considering some Christian-compatible counseling to help you figure out & understand the real source of the anger, and how it might be affecting you; I have found understanding makes forgiving that much easier, and forgiving is a big part of letting go of anger.

The suggestiong of seeking renewal in the sacarament of reconciliation is a very good one; perhaps at the same time, you could ask your priest for a suggestion on whom to speak to to help you understand the dymanics of the anger in your mind.

I had some very significant issues with the relationship with my Mom after I got married. I was full of anger and hurt about her attitude to my wife. The only thing that kept me from severing all ties to her was my faith, and the commandment to honor your parents. I asked the priest who married us for someone I could talk to who was willing to work within the context of a Catholic faith. I worked with a family counselor for 2 months. I had to learn things about how relationships worked. I had to firmly get rid of many vindictive impulses towards Mom. It was very difficult at the time, often frustrating and embarassing, and the adjustments to the relationship were very painful. But they were necesary. Eight years later, the relationship is now better than ever.

The most important thing is to pray for the grace to change. Acknowledge in your prayer that you can’t do this alone, but with God’s grace, you can overcome it. Ask for the courage and stength to confront this, and it will be given you.

[gentle pat on back]
Finally, dear Mango, you are not a *bad * Christian. You are a Christian struggling with something difficult, willing to make the effort to overcome it with God’s grace. That makes you a good Christian in my books. (Remember that we also have to forgive ourselves; St-Paul had his own “thorne-in-the-side”. ) Far better a Christian who is ranting at God with hurt and grievance than one who just goes to church out of habit with no spiritual life, imho.
[/gentle pat on back]

I pray you may find peace & understanding.