I'm a ventriloquist with flaming. Help me profit.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I, myself, have been out of the closet since I was 15 or 16. I’ve lived with four straight men since, and two more hetero best friends have ended up essentially living with me. I grew up in a very open-language house, so I throw around sexual slurs without thinking*, my strategy with hair is to keep it short enough I don’t need a comb, and 90% of my clothes are grey, light green, or brown. For some reason, most people believe I’m a homophobe upon first meeting me.

However, all the men I’ve lived with, most people presume they’re gay. This includes the engaged friend**. The first guy, I lived with for 8 weeks over the summer, and three years later he’s still getting questioned much more than he used to. My freshman roommate has had four girlfriends at the same time & thought he was being a “slick pimp,” until he discovered they all knew about eachother and honestly believed he was gay.

When I realized this in the shower today, I first wanted to know how I can flame more without having to spend money on clothes or put any real work into it. By breakfast, I’d decided there had to be a way to make this cover the costs of my flaming more. Since you can’t patent a super-power, I talked around… Blackmail, protecting celebrities from teenage girls, etc.

Here’s where you come in. I need plans that could actually work. We thought “James Randi Challenge,” but the closest to “quantifiable effects” we could figure was raising their Kinsey score by 2 points, and I doubt that’d be proof. Is there anything that won’t get me arrested or committed, stands a chance of making some cash, and depends on accidentally making men flame more while involving no more physical contact than a handshake?

*I’m still in college, I’ll grow up later.
**She might be at fault. While reasonably attractive, she talks afterschool-special cutesy-wootsy three-year-old-to-her-stuffed-bunny glurge half the time. She also has him completely whipped and says horrible, painful things to anyone around the other half. The three people willing to spend time with both of them all want to kill her slowly. We’ve told him, but that’s another rant.

2

Well, if you make the guy next to you seem gay, and he starts giving blowjobs for cash, you could ask for 5-10%.

But seriously: you think that you make other men seem gay, and that you can somehow make money from that? :confused:

3

It sounds like you don’t have to change anything about yourself to make others look gay. As to the profit…You could charge people five bucks to pick the gay one out of a lineup. Sounds like they’d never know it was you. :wink:

4

Yes to the first, and not seriously to the second. I just think it’d be nice if it could pan out. And I couldn’t resist making a thread when I came up with that title.

I learned from Pet Rocks & duct-tape wallets that there is a way to make money from anything. I have a rare talent. I vaguely remember someone calculating how much we would have to slow the moon for the change in rotational energy to boil away the seas. If anyone can make this work, this is the place to find them.

5

Guess I can’t fault you for that. :wink:

6

Are you sure you don’t just hang arround with flamboyant freinds?

Do those who assume your freinds are gay allready know you are gay? If they do then maybe they just assume you’d be living with other gay guys.

For making money. You could try for a makeover from queer eye for the straight guy, then try and blackmail them with the truth after the show is aired.

7

I seem to recall that did a makeover on a non metrosexual gay guy, so that’s out.

8

The equation you’re seeking was first set down by the lyricyst Jimmy Pop, of Bloodhound Gang fame, in his treatise I Wish I Was Queer So I Could Get Chicks. It goes as follows:

Following this line of reasoning, if your presence makes people think a guy is gay, you can become a wingman-for-hire, creating the perception of homosexuality for your client, who will then go on to score hetrosexually. Win-win, man. :smiley:

9

I’m thinking along these lines, too. Maybe you flame so much you set those around you on fire. IOW, you’re so gay people assume only other gay guys would live with you. Maybe you’re the new Esprix*

*This is in no way meant to disparage Esprix. I just like to mention him occassionally so see if he still lurks and try to get him to post again. I miss havin’ him around here.

10

Well, if you’re a ventriloquist as well… then I can easily think up ten minutes worth of stand-up material all on the topic of you having your hand up the butt of your “friend”.

11

Obviously the thing to do is to advertise for gay roommates who can’t get any action 'cuz everyone assumes they are straight. Either you’ll fix their problem or they’ll fix yours :slight_smile:

12

Aw, ain’t you sweet. :wink: Still alive, moved across the country, and quite busy these days. I spent what little online time I have these days on LiveJournal, but still pop in here from time to time.

Esprix