I really dislike the company of flaming homosexual men. I don’t WANT to be like this, but I just can’t shake this silly feeling of revulsion. It’s not revulsion for the actual act of gay sex or the idea of two men being in love, but rather the mannerisms that go along with a very feminine-acting man. I’ve never really gotten to know any flamers simply because I couldn’t stand to be around them. Again, I don’t want to be like this. I really don’t.
I don’t go out very much, so I don’t get to meet many people, but recently I went out to a concert with my wife and her friend, who brought along a gay friend of hers. He was the first person I’d ever met who was openly gay, but acted straight (again, I don’t get out much). I was later shocked to find out that he was about 50 years old. The man had more life and vigor in him than I did at 15. He was smart and personable - definitely one of the coolest people I’ve met in a long time.
After the show, the four of us went to a gay bar at his suggestion. It was really odd watching men take swigs of their drinks, then leaning over and passionately making out with their drinking buddies. Not disturbing. Just…strange. I got out of that bar pretty quickly, not because of the ever-present homoerotocism, but rather because of the spectacularly bad dance music pulsating in my ears. Ugh. I’ve left many a straight club for the same reason.
Is it wrong to not want to be around someone, not because of their personality, but because of their natural mannerisms and speech patterns - things they can’t change? If there was a switch in my brain I could flip to turn off these feelings, I’d do it in a heartbeat. It’s so frustrating. Is there something wrong with me?
You’re assuming that “flaming” is an innate part of being a homosexual. It’s not.
I know many non-flaming homosexuals and many flamers who are actually straight. Some people are just like that, and it’s an adopted behavior for some, especially in the homosexual or dramatic arts communities.
I can’t stand to be around flamers, myself. I think that behavior is annoying. But fortunately, most of the gay men that I have met don’t flame. Or put on the flaming personality when they are in certain situations, and I avoid being in those situations.
Don’t feel bad about not liking to be around flamers. Please do feel a little bad about assuming that flaming is part and parcel of being homosexual, though.
Oh, I don’t feel that way at all. As I said in my OP, I don’t get out much. I’m a shy person and don’t meet too many people. It just happens that before the experience I mentioned in my OP, the few gay people I had met were flamers. And, of course, the media propagates that image quite a lot.
Perhaps you shouldn’t give up yet. Maybe it’s just a case of culture shock. You mentioned that this guy was personable, smart and one of the coolest people you’d met in a long time, why not try to overlook some of his mannerisms for now and go out and enjoy yourself Maybe re-evaluate after a few more nights out?
Culture shock is a good suggestion. However, some of the features associated with (gay or straight) “flamers” are, well, annoying.
I’ve found many things I find annoying at first will either cease to annoy me eventually, or grate on my brain until I can’t stand it. Not much you can do either way except to give it a shot. Since you say you don’t get out much, that’s probably the main problem.
Flamers me me laugh; I like flamers. And I mean that in a good way not a patronizing way.
What was it Homer Simpson said? Something like “Round here we like our beer cold and our homosexuals FLAMING!”
OK I know I murdered that quote somebody pls help.
Ah, I think you misunderstood my OP. The cool guy was openly gay, but did not have feminine mannerisms. My conversations with him were very comfortable and enjoyable. However, I suspect that if he were effeminate, despite having the same personality and other redeeming qualities that he has now, I would never have talked to him for more than a few seconds in the first place. That’s the problem.
When I talk to an effeminate man, I get a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. Something just feels wrong about it. But in my head, I know I’m the one who is wrong for even feeling that way. How can I harbor ill, unwanted, feelings about people for reasons that are not only beyond their control, but cause no harm to anyone?
Maybe you guys are right that I just need to get out more. That’s a hard thing to do for a homebody computer junkie like myself, though.
Let me ask you this: Does the fact that you know their are Gay men make you feel better about yourself? Do you think that a “true” gay person even exists?
Well, no. It seems from your posts it’s not the gay thing that’s bugging you, it’s the flamer thing. I don’t feel that way myself, I find those guys to be a lot of fun to be around, but the “Everything is a Soap Opera Tragedy” people, the “What Would Jesus Do” people, the “How Do I Feel About Every Aspect Of This Situation” people, and the “Unh, Me Man, Me Fight Over Perceived Insult” people all drive me up the wall. Mostly that’s a reaction to mannerisms too.
It’s visceral, it can be changed if it needs to but it requires a lot of work, and although I think you’re wrong I also don’t think you need to try to change it.
The main thing is to be aware of it and not let it control you. This is how I’ve managed to avoid prison in a world full of people who don’t know how to use apostrophes.
I’m not sure if I understand your question, Thaidog. I understand the concept of Kinsey’s 1-10 scale of sexuality and I think it has merit. I do think most people are bisexual to a degree. I’m not sure why someone else being gay would make me feel better about myself.
The thing that grates on my nerves (even though I don’t want it to) is men who act effeminate. I’m sure there are straight men who do this, but it seems much more common among homosexuals. Perhaps I shouldn’t have dragged sexual orientation into this thread at all and singled out homosexuals alone for acting effeminate. I apologize if I offended anyone.
What I mean is that some people get off on picking on gays instead of letting it be… I don’t have anything against gays but I am not gay and don’t support the gay lifestyle simply because it’s socailly akward and seems unnatural. Furhter I think some “gays” are gays simply because they know no better or were forced into being gay… in that case they are real not what I would call a true, what you think of when you think of a gay from a straight’s perspective “gay”… still with me? So my opinion to your original question is live and let live, or live and let others make a mistake… or whatever. If you feed off the fact that their is somebody for you to pick on as your “prey” than yes… I feel it’s bad.
You really think some people are gay because “they know no better?” They’re not aware of the existence of women? Or that they’re forced into being gay? By who? Are there gangs that run around and force fellatio on unsuspecting heteros?
Even more amusing is the fact that you use this bizarre logic as proof that I like to pick on homosexuals. Where is this stuff coming from? I’d say your assertions aren’t exactly on-base, but that would be an understatement. You’re off in the outfield somewhere. Maybe even perched on the centerfield wall.
I don’t think it makes you a bad person, maybe a little less tolerant but not bad. Some people don’t like children but it doesn’t mean they are bad, they simply don’t like children. I still wonder if it isn’t more of a culture shock though if you haven’t been around flaming men before. It does strike a newbie as seeming a bit “unnatural” at first. Try and keep an open mind and when it seems offensive then call it a night but it is nice that you have an open mind about your friend.
Could you be forced into being gay? I don’t mean forced into gay sex, as in being raped, but forced into being gay. I couldn’t be forced into being straight. I tried to force myself to be straight when I was younger and it had very negative effects on my life, notably my self-esteem.
And would you mind expanding on the whole “because they know no better” part? This should be interesting. Are you suggesting that if I “knew better”, I would be straight? Just wondering.
ok… what I mean is some people are brought up in such a way that it encourages being gay… It’s hard to be a Satan worshipper in the middle of Salt Lake City if you get my drift. If all you know is a gay lifestyle and it’s not looked down upon and whatnot… and is positively enforced psychologically… chances are that person will go gay… Not always the case… maybe not your case… some people are more strong willed than others in there own point of view. When I say they know no better, I simply mean they are blind to whatever alternate lifestyle they might have been… I might make a great Quaker… but wft is a Quaker? See what I mean? Sorry… did not mean that in a bad way… your life is your life and I respect whatever choice your intelligence picks.
And which way is this, again? Why would anyone encourage their children to be gay? If my child was gay, of course I would be supportive and happy for them, but I wouldn’t try to coerce them into a way of life that will almost certainly lead to them encountering prejudice and hatred on basis of who they like to sleep with. Perhaps you feel there is a secret gay conspiracy that rewards parents with turning their children into homosexuals.
There is no gay lifestyle. There is no heterosexual life style.
Being gay doesn’t show a lack of strength of will/character.
Being gay isn’t situational, only gay sex can be… and that isn’t an absolute either. Same sex boinking and being gay and wanting romantic connection with a member of the same sex are not the same thing.
Being gay is also not a choice any more than it is a choice to desire members of the opposite sex.
With your choice of analogy, I am wondering if you are confusing Quaker with Amish, and I wonder if you really think all Quakers are straight. If that was the case, I had sex with a faux-Quaker.
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Serious request: Can someone explain to me what “flaming” is? To me, the word means insulting people on a message board, but apparently that kind of flaming isn’t meant here.
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Maybe re-evaluate after a few more nights out?