I'm Andy, and I will be your ranter today

The BBQ Pit
1

This is my first rant here, and I just noticed another thread about waiters.

I know you are overworked and underpaid. I sympathize. Your restaurant probably is also overpriced, and if I’m going to spend the money, there are things that could make the experience more enjoyable.

First, there is the bit about you introducing yourself with “Hi, my name is (whatever) and I will be your waitperson today.” Why the second part? Are you afraid I am a foreigner unaware of restaurant customs and had no idea of why you, a stranger, walked up to my table? Or are you attempting to establish some sort of faux bond between us for the evening, as dictated by a marketing seminar? Also, why do you place the five fingertips of one hand on your chest when you utter the word “I”? Is it because I might not understand the referant of the pronoun?

Next, I flatly state that you should not suggest any food on a “bed” of something. The conflation of food and furniture only confuses me. What I will have on a bed that night is between me and my date, and you should not be making any suggestions about it – even though we have already bonded by your introduction.

And please, do not offer me any food that is “nestled,” particularly if it is “nestled” on a “bed.” This brings up images of my food being all snug and curled up with a cup of Celestial Seasonings, and it would be cruel to disturb it. This is especially true if it contains something like “baby carrots.” The baby is all nestled on a bed, and you want me to approach it with a knife and – well, in one shot you’ve made me feel like a cannibal and a pervert.

I reserve the right to take five percent off your tip if you describe any dessert as “decadent.” Poets can be decadent. That’s fine. Not dessert. The five-percent penalty is guaranteed if you shoot your hip out while you say this.

And finally, do not offer me food that is “sinful.” Food is inanimate and insensate. Even while alive, the flora or fauna were exempt from original sin, sins of omission, sins of commission, venal and cardinal sins, the whole megillah. While we might accuse certain activities of being sinful – drinking, smoking, etc. – such accusations are made in the presence of a gerund.

Oh, and could you warm up this cup of coffee?

2

Decadent- “providing unrestrained gratification; self-indulgent.” You haven’t encountered the SDMB Chocoholics, have you?

As for the spiel they say at the beginning, they’re likely told to do so, and are checked up on by “mystery shoppers” who pose as customers while covertly taking notes on the employee’s performance.

I get them at work, too. Doesn’t matter if a policy pisses off all the customers (Thanks for shopping with us, Mr… … … Wizzipycoff, do you need help out with that roll of Certs?), we are chastised if we don’t do it. Direct your ire at the folks who make up those rules.

The restaurant may be overpriced, but it ain’t going to the waitstaff, so again, direct your ire at someone else.

That said, the rant was quite creative, if misguided. I’ll give it a seven. Welcome to the SDMB.

3

Call AAFES one time.

“Hi, you have reached AAFES, serving the best customers in the world, my name is so and so, how may I help you today.”

Yes it is annoying as all get out, but they are following rules. You think you hate hearing it? Odds are they hate saying it.

Next time, take your decadent desert with a grain of salt. Relax, enjoy it, and tip.

4

Just so it’s said: excellent thread title. :slight_smile:

5

“Hi, my name is (whatever) and I will be your waitperson today.”

Why are you so testy about this point? It’s a standard greeting, and it does provide a little helpful information. Sometimes, the first person to come to your table is not your waiter. It might be a busboy, bringing water or a high chair. Sometimes it’s another waiter, filling in for your waiter while he’s in the bathroom.

As for pointing to oneself when uttering “I”, I do that too. I also make little cutting motions when I ask for the scissors and scribble in the air when I ask for a signature. It’s nothing personal. I know you understand the words, but I tend to talk with my hands. I’m not alone in this.

  • Spam (the new kid here)
6

Pretty much my feelings as well.

Andy, you sound like the kind of customer that I’d hate to have if I was a waiter, which thank Og I’m not and never have been. But still, I do love a well-written rant. Nice work. I especially love that bit about “in the presence of a gerund.”:smiley:

7

LOL! Hilarious rant! :smiley: Silly- but hilarious.

8

Well, in the case where the busboy pours the water and puts the flatware on your table as you arrive, it might make sense to point out that you’ll be the one taking orders and delivering the food.

Just a thought.

9

It sounds like a Seinfeld stand-up routine. I read sarcasm through and through - this is not meant to be taken seriously. However, if I’m right (as if that needs to be asked), those of us with the sarcasm gene need to recognize that there is a great number of people whose sarcasm detectors are deficient or non-existent, and for these people, sarcasm needs to clearly delineated. This is especially true with the written word.

10

Makes more sense to me to have the busboys say “I’m not your waitperson but one will be along shortly”, if anyone’s role really needs that kind of clarification here. Usually by the time someone starts describing the specials, a customer should get the clue that yes, this person is my waitperson.

11

From my observations, it appears that the human race has evolved to the point that a person can’t even recall the word “scissors” until he or she has made the little cutting motions.

12

Do you refer to scissors when you’re waiting tables? If so, why? Just curious.

13

Who says all the good usernames are gone? Love yours, andy.

Perhaps ‘I am your waitperson today’ means ‘I love you so much I will wait on you myself, even if I have to chase more competent people who are not overworked away from your table’

(Answered in the tone of the OP. Everyone is polite in restaurants, yes?)

14

Thank you. Actually, I’d never act out on any of these thoughts. I just save them up and dump them on message boards.

Now would you like me to wrap up the rest of that for you to take home?

15

Hey, I got a compliment from a moderator.
That means I can do this: :cool:

16

Why yes, thank you.

I have a suspicion, Shade, that the whole schtick was started by a very sharp person who understood the importance of connecting with the target audience. And then it was so effective that others started copying it. What’s remarkable – and a little bit creepy – is you get this spiel just about anywhere you go in the United States – big cities, small towns, wherever.