(If this belongs in IMHO, feel free to move it there. Thanks.)
I’m slowly coming to the realization that I don’t care too much about relationships or sex… not that it’s been hard for me to land either (oddly enough, the less I care, the more propositions I get). I’ll check out the local hotties at school, but really, the eye candy is sufficient for my needs.
Human contact? I get plenty of that from my friends. Sexual release? Porn. All I really want to do is have fun with people, and it doesn’t seem like that’ll change for a while. I’m pretty happy with the way things are right now. I’m currently dating someone, but I’ll probably be breaking up with her because it’s not fair to string her along while I figure things out.
Is something wrong with me? Apologies if this post isn’t very eloquent… just doing a thought dump.
I am celibate. But I don’t recommend to for you. The fact that you feel necessary to explain that you don’t need to be celibate was the trigger, but that is just a clue. Celibacy isn’t the same as just not having sex. Not having sex is a multiple iteration choice that has no particular significance in your human development. Not enjoying the human relationships that sex is a part of is a very important element of your own psychological health.
At least consider talking this over with a mature person you find to be worth listening to. Perhaps a professional, but first sort by whether you respect their view on life. Celibacy is a non natural imposition of will and ethical reason over very strong natural behavior. If you have ethical reasons, and a good understanding of what you are talking about, it could have very positive influence on your life. If you are doing it to avoid something, it could be a very harmful choice.
Ditto. What Triskadecamus said. I am celibate and expect to remain so for a long time to come for a variety of physical and psychological reasons, but it is not a step to be taken lightly. “Being with” people is an important part of most people’s lives and for good reason. You ought not to cut this out of your life without thinking long and hard (so to speak). It is a big step and is not for the weak.
I think we need to fully define celibacy. Is celibacy just not having sexual partners? or is it not “indulging” in any sexual behavior that results in release, ie orgasm?
I took the OP to mean that he just wasn’t going to bother with dating and sexual relations, which is arguably different than the celibacy that others here are referring to.
I don’t see why you feel the need to make it into this big thing. Yes, you should break up with the girl 'cause you’re obviously not feeling it. Then just don’t date unless you meet someone you’re really into. It doesn’t need to be a huge permanent lifestyle change or announcement.
I’m reminded of the friend who made her announcement: “I’m becoming a vegetarian!”
“Um, okay,” I replied, “Or you could, y’know, just not eat meat when you don’t want to and eat meat when you feel like it.”
She couldn’t grok it. She needed that label, needed that self-identification and commitment in order to feel true to herself.
So, maybe this is the same way. Maybe there are those of us who can take sex or leave it, and we may go long stretches without having any, but never define ourselves as celibate, or find it a useful term for a short while and then drop it. But there are others who need, or want, that label as part of their self-identification. No skin off my nose either way, and I don’t think I could presume to tell anyone which type s/he is.
I think you are making too much of this. It’s not like Agent is considering jumping off a bridge. He/she is just talking about deciding not to have sex if he changes his/her mind later there is no harm done.
[hijack]
I haven’t had sex in a very long time (I don’t want to count how many years) because I am not aggressive nor attractive. I choose not to follow up on what might or might not be disguised invitations from women to pursue them, because my judgement on recognizing flirtation has proven to be totally unreliable in the past. But if an attractive woman came up to me and offered to fuck my brains out, I would say yes.
Until reading this thread, I would have said I’m celibate, but perhaps I am using the term incorrectly.
Triskadecamus, your concern is very much appreciated. I thank you for your responses to this thread and posting about your own experience.
However, I think askeptic is right… I think the manner in which I wrote the OP might have blown the issue a bit out of proportion, and for that I apologize. I’m not experiencing a crisis or anything… I was just posting some thoughts and getting some opinions.
Celibacy isn’t a big deal. As I said, I am celibate, and have been for quite a while. But I wasn’t suggesting some sort of drastic action. Being celibate is a great deal different than just not having sex. Talking with a respected mentor on a major area of human development, and personal experience is not an extraordinary step to take. It’s a reasonable thing to suggest. And a good idea, even if you don’t feel any strong distress over your life situation. In fact, I do it myself.
I encourage anyone who does not have someone that fills the roll that I suggested to seek such a person in their life. In a more primitive time such an elder would live in your own village. Progress has changed that, and now it is a profession, and costs money. However the job can still be done by a friend, or family, or a clergyman. But the thing that matters most is how you feel about the person.
Eh, the unexamined life may not be worth living, but too much navel-gazing tends to result in an unlived life.
Deciding whether or not to have sex is only a life-changing decision once. (Twice if you’re Tris, I guess ;). ) Beyond that, sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t.
It sounds to me like the OP isn’t committed to celibacy as part of a philosophically cohesive lifestyle, so much as he just doesn’t feel like dating right now. That probably doesn’t require any vows or announcements or labels or therapy.
i think celibacy has benefits. while its easy to say today i’m celibate. I think one can also ask so what can that mean. I think celibacy has the focus of working on a relationship with oneself. For me the focus has been on the other. Time with myself reveals myself and opens me to heal the woulds that “being in love” with another can distract. Author Paul Ferrini defines celibacy as not attaching oneself to a relationship but to ones higher self. sex is included but not an attachment. I like that but have decided not to include sex in my time learning about myself other than with myself. Celibacy can be a path to self discovery.
Hah - I was reading along, thinking, “Jeeze, Paul in Qatar just got married - I wonder how his wife feels about his celibacy?” when I noticed the OP’s date.
The only small red flag I see is that Agent is using porn for sexual release. You’re still interested in sex but you’re subsitiuting sex with a real person for porn. If you do this long enough you may fall into the trap later on in life if you meet a women that you really get along with, she likes you, you like her and before you know it you start fooling around on the couch one night and you can’t get it up because you’re not use to a real women but porn instead. One of the potential pit falls of porn, it also objectifies women imo.
I bet ya Agent if you stopped using porn as a sexual release and resort to good old masturbation using your imagination in the shower in the morning for a couple of months. You’re going to be interested in a relationship sooner than you realize.
There’s nothing wrong with choosing to remain celibate if that’s what you want, but there’s also benifits to a relationship especially a long term, loving caring one.
