I’m looking for advice but when offered, I hope you will state your gender and age as that will have a bearing on this…
I am a 46-year old woman who has been single for almost three years. For you MadMen fans, I am shaped like Joan (and have red hair), but add twenty years. Dating has been mostly unsuccessful for a variety of reasons; guys either want only sex or they don’t want a positive, communicative relationship. And I live in a city with mostly Gay Men.
A year ago, I did place an advertisement for a FWB/NSA just to relieve the pent-up stress. I saw one guy who would visit once a week or so for about three months, but he was admitted Casanova and not relationship material at all (heck, we barely talked).
Ultimately, I became celibate because I wanted “the morning after” as much as “the night of” and decided to wait for an actual relationship. But I am going on a year now with no physical human contact of any kind and it is driving me nuts. Obviously.
Should I break my vow of celibacy? How would you view a woman as a potential life-partner knowing this about her?
Sure, if you can find a person worth starting a relationship with that wants to date you as well. I wouldn’t return to casual sex if you learned in a rather definitive fashion that you don’t enjoy it on the whole.
I think what you are asking is how I would feel if I met someone and we started to click enough that we were headed into a relationship and I discovered that she had been lonely and hitting Craigslist or the like for sex. Is that right?
I guess that I would be of 2 minds here. On the one hand, I “get” crippling loneliness. Before the relationship that I am now in I was celibate and alone for 3 and a half years. And that was pretty rough. So as long as that activity stopped so that we could pursue a relationship with all of our attention to see if it was going to work I would be mostly fine.
However, I think that part of me would probably worry that this hypothetical potential life-partner was sort of casual with intimacy and therefore there was nothing that she saw as inherently special about me. So chances are that I would need a little extra reassurance on that front.
If you had clicked with the Casanova, would you have entered into a relationship with him? If the answer is yes, then there’s really not a problem– you were having regular, consensual sex with someone and ended it when you realized you wanted something more. If you seek it again, online or while you’re out, maybe you’ll know deep down you just want to get your rocks off, but you hardly deserve a scarlet A.
Now if it is the Craigslist thing, specifically, that you are afraid about revealing – and it does sound kind of skeezy – try finding partners through a traditional dating site that allows you to choose some sort of ‘just looking for fun’ option (or some other euphemism).
I’m a 25-year-old woman. I say even if you prefer a committed sexual relationship over a casual one, if you want sex and will feel better having it, get it where you can.
When it comes to people I am going to have relationships with, I do prefer they are not big purveyors of causal sex (I like serial monogamist stay-at-home types) who haven’t already been friends-with-benefits six people I know, but I would never hold it against someone if they were in a situation like you are and had sex casually.
Honestly though I don’t feel my past sexual history is any of my future partners business, and I don’t really want to know/don’t ask about the sexual history of my partners (except when it comes to STDs, etc).
I agree that joining a dating site (I suggest okcupid, it’s free and all my friends are on it) is a great idea. It’s less liable to be judged negatively, maybe you’ll go on a few dates and meet someone you click with on more than one level, and you can accept offers for sex only as well.
I have been on OKCupid, Plenty of Fish, Fuego, Mate1, Match, eHarmonay, and a handful of unmentionable sites. For those sites, I am “Cougar” and the day-to-day barrage of 20-somethings wanting to bag a MILF was more than I could handle.
And, I will admit, I got caught in a marriage scam on one of them so I am extremely gun-shy about those dating sites. They can pick out the middle-age women and know EXACTLY what to say to get them interested and ultimately get their money. I was just bright enough to figure it out a few days into it, but I certainly got targeted.
47 male single and also celibate (involuntarily, I don’t like casual sex much either)
At our age, I would hardly expect a virgin, so I certainly wouldn’t hold it against you, and probably wouldn’t even ask. If that’s what you want, do it.
29 year old female, also been single a bit too long and not a huge NSA fan. I really understand your situation- I also get crazy when I go without for too long, but don’t have tons of fun when I do the casual thing. Sometimes I give it a shot, sometimes I just give up and try to make peace with the lonely.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Sure, meaningless sex isn’t the best or most fulfilling situation, but what is the alternative? Sometimes you have to just let go, have some fun, and chalk it up to a good story and another life experience. At the least, it passes the time. And maybe it can do a bit to keep up your confidence, which you are going to need if you want to attract the real thing. When you get bored of it, hold off for a bit until you start wanting to try something new again.
As for what the guys think, I don’t think the nitty-gritty details of your past are his business, especially since you are old enough that it’s obvious you have some experience. He’s not going to want a list of each relationship you’ve ever had and the exact nature of things. It’s enough to say you were seeing someone a while back.
I’ve been on both sides of this coin. I’ve done the casual sex, sleeping around thing. It was like scratching an itch. Yeah, that itch felt better for a little while, but it always came back.
But then, being lonely hurts in its own way. So you have to ask, which do you want more? Itches that keep coming back or the loneliness of the body aches?
That is basically where I am left. As much as I want to be used and degraded, I’ve decided to wait until there is the auspices of affection from someone instead of going back to advertising for it.
Middle aged single men live outside the city, in the suburbs (usually because they are divorced and wish to remain near their children). Or they are significantly younger than I am.
So on “industry standard date number three,” instead of having sex she initiated the discussion along the lines of “I think we have something serious here, an I think we’d shouldn’t add sex into the mix or else it might get confused and off track.”
Personally, if I agreed that we had something special developing, I’d also agree that it would be a good idea to let physical intimacy develop apace with emotional intimacy. Not a moral judgment, just my experience, too.
But man, I’d sure feel like a chump if I found out she was hitting Mr. FWB on speed dial after I’d chastely kissed her goodnight. If that’s supposed to be none of my business since we’re not really in a committed relationship yet, she’s a bit too cold blooded for me. If you want to fall in love but still want to relieve the swelling, grab your vibrator, not your phone, is all I’d ask.
