I mean that literally. I use that word properly here and not as a substitute for figuratively, as some cretins do.
I think it started on sunday. I awoke from an eighteen hour nap to find that my left pinky toe had come off. I was a bit worried, to say the least. But, I bravely sewed the thing back on using a fine Singer needle and some carpet thread. I hoped the trouble would end there.
The trouble did not end there. The next day, I slept only twelve hours. But I woke to find my entire left foot had come off at the ankle. The joint had crumbled like old halvah. Besides that, my right elbow was loose. This called for extreme measures. I reattached my wandering bits with Goop™ and duct tape. I hoped this would be the end of things.
It wasn’t of course. As I sit here, I am more thread and adhesive than man. I’ve lost my left knee. I know it’s somewhere in the apartment, but I just cannot find it. I fear going to sleep now- not just because I can’t wake up any less than fourteen hours later- but because I am in terror of finding what will fall off next. (I’ve taken the precaution of wrapping my man parts in three kinds of tape just to be safe).
I don’t know what to do. The Cohesixil given to me by Rite Aid and paid for by your tax dollars does not seem to be helping. This is made worse by the fact I keep missing doses.
I’ve just lost the right side of my nose- just now as I’m typing. I don’t know what to do. I think I’ll use Elmers. It’s smell is the most tolerable.
I’d like to write some humorous ending here. But, there isn’t one. I don’t think I’m dying. I think I’ll have to go on living as some kind of patchwork man, which is worse.
Work is impossible. I have no energy, sleep through days, frighten children, and have you ever tried to make a balloon animal while your fingers are falling off?
I need help. It’s a shame Dr House is fictional. Then again, maybe this kind of problem is more in the line of Dr Who.
I’ve got to hobble to Walgreens and buy more tape now. Hopefully, I’ll be able to return and write more. Hopefully, I’ll recover one day. Hopefully, I’ll have hope again soon.