I'm Giving My 17 Year old an Ultimatum

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

Stop providing transportation. He is in no way holding up his end of his “contract” with you, i.e. you provide transportation and, apparently, lunch money (on top of room and board) and he, in turn, cleans the family room, cleans the boys’ bathroom and pays back the money he owes you. If he won’t (and it’s clearly an issue of won’t, not can’t) honoring his obligations, why should you hold up yours?

No transportation. No loans of money. Feel free to provide them again as soon as he does his cleaning and pays you back the money he owes. Until he does both those things, stop doing what you’re doing. It’s not punishment, it’s natural consequences. That’s how the real world works. Give him a little taste.

22

My father learned some economics.

He charged me 1/3 of all ongoing expenses.
He paid 1/3 (for himself, my mother, and their grandchild)
He got 1/3 from my sister and husband for them and their baby.

Somehow, that didn’t seem exactly fair to me, and it lasted only a few months. My ass was outa there.

23

No kid needs to be making that much money. A youth spent with too much money and no responsibiles is a good way to reach a screwed-up (an disappointing) adulthood.

Don’t drive him to work unless he pays you. Upfront. If he loses his job, it’s probably for the best.

24

What does his father say about all this?

I hope to hell you are not paying his cell phone bill.

No car either. If he doesn’t put gas in it, he doesn’t drive it.

Let him sulk and slam the door. Don’t let the guilt get to you. He’s got to learn, and you’re not doing him any favors by giving him $5 here and $10 there.

How long until he turns 18, again?

25

What 17 year old has a $675 phone bill?
What 17 year old makes about 45 grand a year?
Who spends all that money with nothing to show?

A drug dealer with a habit.

This whole thing seems pretty fishy to me.

26

What does his father say about all this?
-----His father abandoned him 7 years ago. His dad is a deadbeat dad.

I hope to hell you are not paying his cell phone bill.
—No but it is on MY credit that he was able to get the phone (because he is under the age of 18) so I have to make sure he pays it.
No car either. If he doesn’t put gas in it, he doesn’t drive it.
----that’s what I thought

Let him sulk and slam the door. Don’t let the guilt get to you. He’s got to learn, and you’re not doing him any favors by giving him $5 here and $10 there.
----I think you are right

How long until he turns 18, again?
—June of next year

27

Not necessarily. A friend of mine, right out of high school, was making at least that living comfortably in Silicone Valley. He was on a team of programmers for netscape and now co-owns his own company, last I heard. His stuff was paid for by, if not his pocket, his company’s.

Now, of course, things are slightly different;) Back in 1996, though…

28

True, I guess I don’t know many 17 year old programmers here in Brooklyn. :smiley:

29

Silicon Alley as to Silicon Valley.

There’s definitely something about his spending habits and his personal belongings that’s … odd. But it doesn’t ipso facto mean he’s out selling the dime bags via his cellphone:)

30

Ahh, teenagers. We were just told that our car insurance will not be renewed because the Kunilou kids have combined to rack up more accidents in the last 18 months than Mrs. Kunilou and I have had in our entire lives.

I seriously doubt that he’ll “remember” to do his chores and pay you each week, so here’s what I’d do.

  1. Cancel the cell phone. If a phone is all that important to him, tell him to buy one of those prepaid phones (no credit necessary) and pay for his own minutes. For that matter, see if you can get a call blocker on your home phone and don’t give him the access code.

  2. If he’s making $500 a week, he doesn’t need you to give him money for gas. In fact, I would actually encourage him to buy his own car – and pay for the insurance and maintenace himself.

  3. If he won’t do his chores, don’t do yours. Tell him you’re finished with cooking and laundry for him. Hard as it is, just keep the door to his room closed and don’t look at whatever mess may be growing in there.

  4. Don’t be surprised if he decides to move out. To a high school kid, $500 a week is rich.

Sorry I can’t be more optimistic, but there is no bigger test of wills than that of a parent and teenager.

31

I think he needs a lot of boundaries here- If he depends on you to get to work, then simply refuse to drive him to work- let him find his own way there. If the cell phone is co-signed to you, try to cancel it. He is definitely taking advantage of you here.

To put this into prespective, I make about 1/3 as much as your son does. I’m 22, and living with my mom until I finish school. I am extremely grateful that I have a mother kind and generous enough to let me live at home while I finish school. Right now I am paying my mom $500 a month to pay off a personal loan to help buy a used car after I had gotten in an accident. I told her it was my absolute priority to pay her back. Whenever I have $500 saved up, I write my mom a check and give it to her. My goal is to reconcile the loan with her as quickly as possible.

Your own son doesn’t realize how fortunate he is, both to be living with you and to be making so much money. It is rather disturbing that he is so generous with his money, yet he doesn’t seem very generous towards you.

32

I was an enabler with my kid for way too long. He’s finally getting his shit together and we’re both happier for it. He moved out a number of times, and this time he’s been gone about 16 months. It’s very hard, but in the long run you’ll be glad you put your foot down (rather than up his butt).

33

To second kunilou about the prepaid phone suggestion: get him (or make him get) TracFone or something similar.

34

Perhaps he set up his own dot com, and he’s selling it that way? :stuck_out_tongue:

Seriously though, you are correct, it jsut seems strange to me.

35

I am still in shock and awe of how $500 is gone in one weekend. I make a paltry $200 a week and I couldn’t spend it all if I tried!

And a note to some who think that $500 a week is too much for a teenager to make, I don’t see it as too much. If he works 60 hour weeks, then it equates to about $10/hr, I’m not sure because I don’t know the tax rate in Florida, but it could be a little higher than that. For a physical labor job (such as landscaping) for which he is the foreman for (foreman = boss of job site) than I don’t see it as too much money. I worked in construction for every summer I was in high school and I got between $8 and $10 an hour (Igot a raise every summer.) And i was just an assistant, not the foreman.

SO I don’t see it as too much money, but I sure as Hell see a problem with all the money going away and him not paying you anything and actually (until recently) getting more money from you. If you want, you can lay out a simple budget for him. $50 a week is $200 a month (far cheaper than any apartmeny or condo he could even hope to find), gas is about $20 a week, food another $30 (i assume it;'s just lunch, since the $50 to you covers board as well, yes?) That’s $100 a week, leaving him with $400 to do with what he pleases (hopefully save a lot of it.) Still plenty of money. Christ, if I could make that much money I’d be in heaven (well, I suppose if I could if I went back to my old job, but I’d rather be doing what I am now, even if the pay is a lot less.)

36

With my parents, the rule was: In high school, they paid the bills. Working, you pay $x per week to help on expenses. Graduated, find somewhere else to live or pay rent and expenses.

That’s it. And we did it. I moved out when I was 17 and went to college. Any time after that, when I lived at home, I paid rent.

I don’t envy you. But be firm. Nothing convinces you of the value of the dollar as paying your own way.

37

Well I was going to use the $50 a week I am charging him to pay the other boys to do his chores and to help pay the elcetric bill.

The 17 year old has a habit of turning the air conditior down to 70 degrees at night and my bill is out of this world. I have explained to him and yelled at him that I can’t afford the elctric bill and to stop turning it down, but he doesn’t listen.

I disconnected the air conditior but in Florida (at 98 degree temps) it is not safe to let my house get that hot with animals in there so he has me over a barrel.

38

Just a question, but as a former employer in the state of Florida I was under the impression that it is illegal for a minor to work more than 35 hours a week. Does anyone know if this is true or not?

Not that it makes a bit of difference, as he’ll be 18 soon enough. Just curious.

39

In that case I would boot his ass.

40

Isabelle:

Get out of his business, get out quickly and with as much respect as you can muster.

Demand that he show you the respect that you deserve.

-First figure out what respect you deserve. Get a VERY good sense of what rules you want followed in your house. Tell him what the rules are, don’t tell him how to follow them unless he asks respectfully for help.

If he tries to argue, don’t take the bait. He’s smart enough to figure out how to make it work.

When you lend him money, you communicate disrespect for the fact that he has a job.

When you offer to teach him to budget you disrespect his ability to develop his own system, you cheat him from figuring it out.

Cancel that damned cell phone, NEVER EVER risk your credit for him again, at least until he’s a better credit risk (ie: he pays you back what he owes with interest, I suggest 19% like a credit card company might.)

Don’t give him a ride to work unless he pays what he owes.
Don’t make idle threats like you’re kicking him out. You are not likely to do anything of the sort, even after he turns 18, and I’ll tell you why:

It sounds to me like you need him as much as he needs you. (I apologize for this in advance, I hope no one here knows you personally) Father gone, he’s the man of the house, he’s your closest peer in the house. The diffuse boundaries you have with him smack of enmeshment.
It’s not healthy to depend on your child for this much emotional support, he’s not equipped.

I’m kind of taking a stab at things here, but I bet there’s some truth to it. Realizing what truth there is to it is going to be part of your healing and what makes it ok for you to use your good sense as a parent. It sounds to me like you’ve made compromises in what you believe to be right, and I think this is why.

When he says that what he does with his money is his business, he’s right. He’s trying to tell you that the intimacy in your relationship is too much for him to bear. Step back, let him live, find your own boundaries.

Get a strong sense of who you are and what you stand for, then go whoop some ass.