For those of you following the story…
I issued the 17 year old the ultimatum and he chose to move out.
He informed me yesterday that he didn’t plan on moving out for 5 more weeks.
Well how could I put up with commuting 5 hours a day without a thank you & him not contributing enough money for gas? Eating me out of house and home. Turning the air conditior down below freezing and what has been my worst beef…not doing any chores.
I called his probation officer and he technically doesn’t have one at the moment. We should get one in 30 days. So no help there.
Since I can’t legally kick him out. I pulled my trump card. I refused to take him to work today. This morning when I got up he was dressed for work but didn’t say a word to me. I went off and did my own thing and left home. I called the house later on in the day and he wasn’t there so I am thinking he got a ride.
Now will he get a ride home? Who knows?
I am trying to find out how to emancipate him but not having much luck. Since this was the suggestion of many…does anyone have any ideas?
A five hour commute? That is just crazy. I assume that his place of employment is an hour and 15 minutes away from your house? Personally I wouldn’t drive him to work at all. He can arrange other transportation which will probably cost him a lot more then paying you gas money would. Otherwise don’t do it with out gas money in your hand first.
I don’t know what your complaint about feeding him is. He is still your kid. You can get a lock box for the thermastat if you don’t want anyone messing with it. As far as the chores go I am honestly at a loss to figure out how you can make him do them.
And take that damn cell phone away from him!!
Can you even emancipate a minor who doesn’t want to leave home? How long before he turns 18?
When he told me two weeks ago he was going to move out, he was originally going to move in with 2 friends who are both 20 yrs old. I don’t know why this didn’t work out.
He is waiting the 5 weeks because his sister’s lease is up at that time and he will move in with her.
Personally I wouldn’t drive him to work at all. He can arrange other transportation which will probably cost him a lot more then paying you gas money would.
------I live in a small city and the bus service is real slim pickn’s. The closest stop to my house is 3 miles away. From what I understand his place of employment is so far out that the bus doesn’t go that far.
No one at his job lives in our area so getting a ride is out.
I don’t know what your complaint about feeding him is. He is still your kid.
------My beef was that I feed him for free. (He makes $350-500 a week) The ONLY thing I asked of him was to keep the livingroom clean and the boys bathroom but he refuses.
You can get a lock box for the thermastat if you don’t want anyone messing with it.
-----Been there, done that. They figured out how to pick the lock
And take that damn cell phone away from him!!
----That is my next step
Can you even emancipate a minor who doesn’t want to leave home?
------<sigh> probably not. Sounds silly now that I see it in writing
How long before he turns 18?
-----June of next year
Sorry if I’m out of line here,
but this smacks of passive aggression. It sounds like the expectation was that you would take him to work today. Unless you told him in no uncertain terms that you wouldn’t (in which case, Good Job!) today, or yesterday, or whenever.
Please tell me that you specifically told him that you wouldn’t be taking him to work today?
I don’t mean insult you, I really do wish you the best with all this.
Greck I gave him 2 weeks notice saying I would no longer take him to work. His time ran out this weekend.
I would have taken him to work today had he done his chores and paid me gas money. But since he chooses not to a)do his chores OR b)pay me $50 a week OR c)move out, the only tool I had left was not to take him to work for not doing as he was supposed to.
I feel that he takes advantage of me by turning down the air conditor when he is told not to touch it. He eats constantly. He refuses to do any chores. He causes fist fights between the others. I commute 5 hours a day for him and I not only do not get a thank you, but he makes me wait on him all the time and he doesn’t want to pay me $25 a week for gas. He thinks $10 should be the max.
Did I mention he makes $350-500 a week? He gets paid on Friday and all the money is gone by Monday and he has to borrow money from me.
Post a note on the door for him that he is no longer welcome in your home as he is not willing to follow the rules you set for his continued presence there.
Eee, Isabelle. After lurking through your threads, I finally feel I have something that may help.
My stepdaughter (now 20) lives in Utah. We are in California. When she turned 17, we started getting phone calls from her, telling us her mom wasn’t giving her any help, she had no clothes or coat, she needed some money for a reliable car, etc. We sent her money several times. Finally, her mom called me and said “What is going on? Why are you not sending child support?” Mr. Maureen got on the phone with me and we told her exactly why. Turns out, Kendra (our oldest) was flim-flammin’ her daddy & me but good. She had a job, she had a car, had money, had clothes. She was spending most of her time at her bf’s house, not doing her chores, homework, letting her grades slip…in other words, being 17. So, we put a quick stop to the gravy train. As did her mom. Kendra, being stubborn and (of course) knowing absolutely EVERYTHING, decided to do it on her own. Last year, we started getting tentative e-mails. This summer, she came and stayed for a couple of weeks. Took 3 years, but she has finally found out for herself all the things we & her mom had been trying to tell her. She’s back in school, and even treats us like our opinion carries weight again. It takes some time, but hang in there. Tough love is painful, but it sounds like your youngster needs it as much as mine did. Good luck.
There is no reason he can’t walk three miles to the bus stop. It won’t kill him. He can take the bus as far as it will go and get a coworker to pick him up at the stop. He can also pay someone to drive him to work.
There are ways he can get to work if he wants to. He doesn’t have to figure them out because his Mommy always takes care of it for him.
Good luck to you, Isabelle. My kids aren’t teenagers yet, so I follow your trials in hopes of getting a glimpse of my own future and perhaps nipping these things in the bud!
Good job! Stay strong, he may try being nice next, or what’s worse, he’s probably gonna be pissed off for a while.
would a thank you suffice? I’m thinkin’ if you’re putting a price on the ride to work, you can set it at whatever you want, but you have to let go of the need to be thanked. Otherwise don’t bother being his chauffer. Personally I think you should charge him more than $25, but if you want to negotiate for that plus a daily “thank you” that’s your perogative.
If he can find a better deal, great, less trouble for you.
Unless you get something out of driving him to work? (again, no disrespect intended, but sometimes people feel a sense of power, control, martyrdom, etc. when doing favors for others- I’m not trying to probe here, but be honest with yourself or you’re not going to be perceived as being honest with your son)
There’s nothing wrong with telling your 17 year old that it’s too much of a pain in the butt to take him to work every day.
Irrelevant. His money, his business. You own the taxi and the house, you set whatever price you deem fair on those. He owns that money, he earned it.
After the smoke has cleared in the house, maybe you can have an adult to adult conversation with him. Make an appointment, make an adgenda, leave your parenting at the door, work out the business issues only, not the personal ones. Concentrate on what’s needed in order for you and him to be at peace.
Dear Isabelle,
Sounds like you’re talking about my 16 year old stepson.
I will assume you cannot afford to sign over custody to a halfway house for troubled teens and pay for his room and board until he’s 18.
I will assume you’ve tried all the obvious solutions and they have not worked, (Been there, doing that, myself) so I’ll just concern my response to the mechanics of removing this human from your home. Here’s one option to consider:
Since you’ve given him a move-out date and he’s not gone, assume he’ll try and weasel out of the next and the next and… So, give him one more date to move out.
After the date has come and gone…
Have a large, no-nonsense male friend/relative who’s been briefed and is willing to help out, heck get 2 if you can.
When 17 yr old is out of the house for a while pack a suitcase with some of his clothes/toilettries.
Have your male friend show up on the chosen day and and tell 17 yr old that he’s got 5 minutes to say goodbye and get in the car. The presence of a large male will usually forstall any yelling or fisticuffs nonsense. They can “help” him into the car, and drive him to the bus station, you can even give him $20 and pack him a lunch. (“write when you get work, honey”).
While they’re gone change the locks. Pack up all his stuff/furniture and put it in the garage. Clean out his room. This will tell you and him that the times they are a’changing (It really helps to see and empty room mentally). If he shows up again call the sherriff.
Pray for him.
This is not easy. I’m going through it myself. Some people need to learn the hard way.
If a probation officer hasn’t been assigned, ask (politely) to speak to whoever is in charge (it helps to get their name before you ask) and thrash things out with them. If necessary, turn up on the doorstep of County Hall (or your local equivalent). You need more precise advice than any here can provide.
I’ve had professional dealings with the Probation Service in Bucks (I used to look after their computers). If the American cognate is similar, they will do their utmost to help you within their constraints, but you will need to push them - too many people cry wolf or simply want attention.
Any chance your kid would have some money to buy a bicycle? (See below for help on this.)
When you get back the phone, is there a possibility the account can be converted to his name and a prepaid account? That way he still has a phone to waste money, but as a prepaid account he has to regularly fork out his money in order to use the phone. At least you can say he would still have a phone just in case he really needs help (he cannot blame you for “abandoning” him when his new bicycle gets a flat and he has to walk back home).
I’m sure the money he would invariably save by this, he could by a bicycle.
Don’t change the locks on the house. To do means you are effectively throwing him out – not a good move – as well as expose yourself to those legal ramifications of throwing a minor out of their home.
Change your food shopping habits to buying only what you need for that evening’s dinner and next day breakfast. He cannot mooch if there is nothing to mooch.
Refuse to do his laundry from now on. He’s old enough to do it himself. Show him how to do it and inform him he better watch/listen. For that matter, inform him that if he leaves the house a mess with “his stuff” and not picks it up, it gets thrown out. Thendo it, but hide it in the trunk of your car.
Dang, woman, this whole thing sounds awful. My parents went through some of this with my younger sister a little more than a decade ago.
Here’s my free advice: find out precisely what legal responsibilities you actually have by way of supporting him him. Then do exactly that and find good ways (like Duckster’s excellent suggestions) to avoid his taking advantage of you any further than your strict legal responsibilities. It might do you and him both some good to know what the law expects, if you don’t already.
My sister has grown up and matured into the world’s greatest social (case) worker. I’d loan her to you if I could, for her to get through to the kid’s new probation officer and figure out what the heck they can do for you. There’s a special way to get what you need from government services in this country, and it involves large measures of patience, irony, persistence, and balls.
Wishing you the best on a daily basis. Have you been able to extract that cellphone yet?
PS: Duckster’s #4sounds like a pain in the ass, but it would only be a short-term pain in the ass; he’s bound to learn in a few months that There’s No Free Lunch at Mom’s House Anymore.
Well at this point he’s broken his court appointed curfew.
Call and demand a probation officer be assigned since he’s broken his and needs to be picked up.
Yes it sucks but if you don’t do this they will do it for you. When my brother was underage he started running away. The police advised my parents to have a CHINS put out on him or they would. (CHINS is a Child In Need of Services thing that gets social services involved. If the parent does it they are asking for help - if the cops do it the parents are seen as neglectful at best)
If he gets into trouble they will ask you why he wasn’t home and why they weren’t called. Cover yourself.
