My first marriage was straight-open and it worked very well for us both. The reasons we ended up splitting had nothing to do with our sex life. We came out to her side of the family. They were confused but accepting. We didn’t come out to mine because they were pretty religiously conservative and we didn’t want to hurt them.
All relationships take a concerted effort to maintain quality communications at all times, along with respect for boundaries. That’s doubly true in open relationships. Keep that in mind and there’s no reason you can’t have a long and happy marriage.
Yes, we are both free to develop other relationships. We have no problem meeting those people or having them over for Thanksgiving. We have been dealing with this issue since the day we met, 10 years ago. It’s not like we haven’t discussed it at length.
This one is harder to answer. When we broke up before it was because we still couldn’t figure out where our relationship was going. We didn’t talk for so long because I am stubborn. Why does anyone decide to get married rather than just date?
Yes, and yes, we are discussing having a family
Eventually word will get around no matter what. There are a few family members that I love and respect that are very religious. I don’t want to lie to them.
It’s not the open marriage bit I feel a need to come out about, it’s his identifying himself publicly as gay rather than bi. It’s not like he’s been in the closet the last ten years. I guess technically, we are both bi, but he identifies as gay, me as straight.
Let me give slightly different advice here: Don’t ask Dan Savage. He’s a good source of advice in many situations, but he’s actually pretty clueless about poly stuff despite advocating for non-monogamy. If you want insight from people who actually understand your situation, seek out a poly specific community.
If I were you I wouldn’t feel the need to tell my family anything, since I think it’s none of their business, but I can see why you might not want to have to keep it a secret. It would kind of feel like being closeted and you’d run the risk of someone seeing you or your husband out on a date with someone else and causing needless drama.
So if you tell your family, by letting them know details about your sex life they’ll believe they’re entitled to other details, too. Be prepared for a family member asking if you’re sleeping with your fiance, if the sex is good, if the two of you are going to have kids, if you feel like you can’t attract a man who would actually want you, etc, etc. Judgment and nosiness and “oh god you’ll be divorced in six months” is imminent.
What do you mean by intimacy? Emotional? Sexual? We have plenty of both. I don’t get why we’re supposed to just be roommates, but my straight sister can get married five times and nobody questions that. Marriage provides benefits beyond tax breaks, you know. We want to be partners, emotionally and legally.
I didn’t say there was anything wrong with it. You said we could ask you anything, so I’m asking what’s the point in making a marital commitment to each other since you’re mainly straight and he’s mainly gay. You may be very happy together, and that’s great. I’m just wondering what it is about marriage that attracts you to that union given your disparate interests.
Thank you. I actually know quite a few people in poly relationships. I wouldn’t feel like telling my family anything, except that he’s been publicly gay the entire time I’ve known him. Kind of hard to hide that.
Don’t get me wrong. You want to marry whoever you want to marry? Peachy. Where do I send the monogrammed bath towels? However … I’m a big fan of monogomy, while at the same time an active critic of the institution of marriage.
When it comes to the marriage part – again, for me – I’d rather just commit without getting the state involved. And when it comes to the open part … I couldn’t do it. Just not for me. I know it would not work in my brain for a second.
Marriage, at least in my opinion, isn’t about sex. It’s about making a home and life together. There are emotional, physical, financial and legal benefits to being married. We are committed to each other already, why not make it legal?
Personally, I can’t understand monogamy. Hasn’t worked for me in any relationship. I think we should all be allowed to have the relationships that work for us.
Oh yeah. I can completely understand that. I’ve known I was attracted to men for as long as I’ve understood attraction at the very least, but lo and behold I got together with a female friend a few weeks ago and discovered I could enjoy that too. I still consider myself mostly gay and my primary interest is in men, but I like this particular girl and if we had a long term relationship it couldn’t exactly negate the fact that everybody knows I’m gay. Sometimes stuff goes beyond sex.
Good luck. Finding someone to spend your life with is awesome.
Take a look at that site again. Yes, the rate of divorce fell between 2000 and 2007, but so did the rate of marriage. It’s still pretty darn close to 1 divorce per 2 marriages.
And to the OP, I hope the two of you have a great future together.
