Why don’t you just cook him into some chili and send some out or use it at a pot-luck Dopefest or something? A little “long pig” cooked up right can be a special way to say goodbye. It does sound like he has been acting like a pig doesn’t it?. Remember, extra-spicy for me.
Don’t forget to purchase a plane or bus ticket on his credit card and leave his car at the terminal. You don’t want the authorities to know you were the last one to see him alive.
If you decide to consider less drastic measures, there’s always itching powder in his shoes or shorts. (Oh honey, I just wanted to see the look on your face. You should see it, it’s priceless!)
Unplug the television and stereo, if there’s an antenna or cable unhook that too. Put a bit of dark tape over the remote signal receiver on the stereo and television. Take the batteries out of the remote control and make sure they and the spare’s are no where to be found. (Perhaps under his pillow.) Then hide the remote control. (Put it somewhere that only he would have left it, in his truck or backpack or something.) Sit back and watch the look on his face while he sorts it all out and misses the beginning of his favorite show or sporting event. (Oh honey, I just wanted to see the look on your face. You should see it, it’s priceless!)
This is for the suffering before you kill him…
You need a good-looking gal pal accomplice whom he’s never met. Get her to phone him, send him secret love messages and generally lead him to believe he’s on to a perfect secret affair. She arranges their first actual meeting. He turns up (having given you some lame lie excuse) and you’re both there, laughing at him.
“I just wanted to see the look on your face…”
Then proceed to ritual killing. I can’t help with the actual body disposal as I’m in the UK and our customs people get real fussy about such shipments.
Powdered sugar in the underwear… It takes a while before he’s aware there’s anything wrong, but then that “not-so-fresh” sensation takes over, and he’ll be loathing it all day. 
Far less drastic than outright homicide, it has the advantage of being something you can actually do without harm.
I’ll take several packages - It sounds like this guy will make good compost for my veggie garden.
But I do think a little torture before his not-so-untimely demise sounds like a good plan…What does he wear to sleep in? Have you considered duct taping him to the bed? That stuff is more effective (read painful) than waxing!
hey, cartooniverse, where are you at in northern NY? I’m up here also.
Okay, so we have several takers for small quantities. Mr. Lime Pit (aka Toons) gets the big chunks.
As for the difference between Banzai and Bonsai, if I remember my Terry Pratchett jokes correctly, it doesn’t matter since they’re both covered by bush-ido.
I have three Bigdogs ™: a german shepherd, rottweiler, and a doberman.
Send me a dozen bags.
[Bill Murray voice] You! I want to party with you, dude![/BMV]
To Seawitch, Living well is the best revenge. Does he have his own credit cards? Do you have your own car? Take them and take off for a long weekend, (without telling him) book yourself into a nice spa or bed-and-breakfast and all the uninterrupted naps you want. Then show up late Sunday evening, nice and refreshed, but don’t answer any questions about where you’ve been. Let him wait to get the nice postcards you mailed of your trip.
iampunha has three big dogs? Ha! I have three sons. Send me two dozen bags. How convenient! Already packed for lunch!
Seawitch, dear, your husband is a dumbass.
Don’t kill him. Hurt him a lot. There are some great suggestions here, and the one involving icewater and a shower is particularly brilliant. Give him the same lame-ass excuse he give you - “the look on your face was priceless”. I’m betting he can’t take what he dishes out, and hopefully he’ll get the message before you have to do anything involving sharp objects.
A showerhead full of Kool-Aid might be a start, too.
Boy this could turn into the sickest ‘White Elephant thread’ ever!
Picture the threads…
I got body part today!
Who is still waiting for their bit of Mr. Seawitch.
Mmm…sleep is sacred. I have warned my SO that whenever he wakes me up early/for stupid reasons I’m claiming another vital organ.
He’ll start shaking me and I’ll mumble “mmm…I own your spleen…” this is before I open my eyes enough to glare.
So I’ll take a bag, but my SO might have pity and side with your husband.
I’ll take a package.
My sweetheart does similar things to me.
She always comes in after I’ve gone to bed and
jumps in. Scares the heck out of me.
Only if said with the vague British accent affected by a gorgeous girl from Philly.
“Mistah Thohhhhhrrwauhhld.”
Before you distribute my various body parts across the world as shark chum, dog, sod or hog food, I would like to point out a few things…
Mrs. SeaWitch is a stage magician and delights in feats of there’s-nothing-up-my-sleeve-isms with no visible sign of clothing in the room and delights in producing fish in my drinks with no forewarning.
Mrs. SeaWitch frequently performs unnatural acts with the t.v. remote at critical times claiming it mysteriously appeared in a bathroom drawer, or I let it fall in the couch cushions under me. I ask you, how could I hide the remote under me from me?
Not only does Mrs. SeaWitch relish these stage acts at my expense and “for my entertainment” but she also lovingly startles me with spears and other strange things protruding from her body, the occasional pink hair and re-arranged furniture.
Thusly (therefore etc.) my humble statement of “she was asking for it” is not only appropriate, but in deed (in fact and in all other hitherto afomentioned-isms) deserved.
Additionally, her deer-in-the-headlights look is absolutely ravishing.
Clearly, seawitch, some important woman in your life has failed in your education. You have clearly not learned the Look Of Power (LOP).
I will do my best over the board, but your homework will be to find a mom with unruly children who mysteriously stop what they are doing when mom looks at them “that way” and practice making your face look like that.
The key is that in order to effectively deliver the LOP, it must be the very first thing your face does in reaction to the outrageous behavior, or at least the first thing you can make your face do when you climb back down off of the ceiling.
Step 1: silence
Step 2: no expression at all
Step 3: eyes slightly narrowed
(important note: NO SMILE, not even a little - see below for smiles)
Step 4: clench teeth, think about grinding (do not actually grind)
Now, combine steps 1-4 and turn face towards offender. Hold.
Continue holding for 5-30 seconds, as needed. Remember, no talking and no smiling, not even a twitch in the corner of your mouth!
At this point, the offender should have a pretty good clue that 1) you are not amused and 2) they are in trouble. This is usually sufficient.
If you are satisfied that the message has been delivered, you are now free to smile, laugh, talk, whatever you like.
If the message has not gotten through, it is now time to grind your teeth, while holding LOD.
I have never seen anyone make it past the teeth grinding stage without getting a clue that something is going on, and that the something is not going well for them.
A good LOD takes some practice, but is well worth it as a silent but powerful means of communication.
Good luck!
Hi, Mr. Seawitch!
(That’ll teach me to teach womanly secrets on a message board!)
Have any of you ever considered RIT dye in the showerhead? You can let your level of irritation decide what color to use.
You’ll need a hat box for the head. You can take it with you when you start your new job as comapnion to an elderly lady who lives on the edge of the moor.
You can talk to it, in your room late at night, when it’s stormy out.
Redboss
I knew a girl who got wonderful results from a bottle of Nair and her (now ex) boyfriends chest hair.
Heh Heh Heh